Be honest with me, wwyd?

[Colacherrydrops89]

Sorry to be vague, I am concerned about being outting.

My H punched a wall on the weekend upstairs in our home. It was hard enough that his hand still hurt the next day.

This is the second time this has happened.
I haven't told anyone IRL about either occasion. I don't have many friends or family to tell anyway.

I took the women's aid quiz last night and he doesn't do any of those things, it's just that it's a bit shit sometimes but not DV.

He's since apologized over text and call and in person. Just said he was just 'frustrated'.

Be honest, do I leave over this?
Or am I being rash in my decision making?
What would you do?

I will be transparent and say I do have PTSD due to childhood trauma and am under MH team so I'm asking because I'm not sure if I am overreacting over a mistake or something.

Otherwise things are very good. He is attentive, emotionally supportive of my MH etc and doesn't cheat etc.

Thanks.

I don’t like angry men. They scare me and I would not want to live with one. Nor would I want to live in a house with damaged walls, doors, smashed things. Whether or not it might escalate to me, I’d leave anyway.

If he's punching things "every few months", that's quite frequently! He definitely needs counselling and anger management to address it. If he won't do that, I'd consider leaving, yes.

Door slamming, being sarcastic etc - isn't that relatively normal in arguments? Outside the world of mumsnet, where people apparently never lose their tempers?

I think a big question, is how you feel at the time - if you are frustrated and angry and upset to have to fix another wall, that's one thing. But if you are afraid of him, it needs addressing even more urgently.

I’d have no respect for someone who punched things when they were in a temper. Wouldn’t want to be with someone who was stroppy either.

THIS IS NOT OK. LEAVE. NOW.

mine too...

He needs to find a better way to handle emotions

many men don’t have the tools because their families don’t teach boys properly

Showing anger is potentially ok depending on context, but once destruction of/damage to property comes into it, that’s another level and completely unacceptable. I’m not saying that everyone would choose to leave over that as a one off, but that level of anger creates an environment of aggression and fear. Whether or not that then accelerates into physical violence against the partner isn’t really relevant- the environment in itself is unhealthy and damaging, and no adult or child should be subjected to it. The perpetrator needs to show genuine remorse and seek help quickly, ensuring that it doesn’t happen again.

Psychological violence usually leads to physical violence.

Yes, that’s the term I was reaching for! @Colacherrydrops89 It‘s psychological violence.

You said he feels awful about it afterwards. If he really does feel he doesn't want to behave that way then he should seek out anger management and/or therapy. If he is making genuine steps to be better and he's otherwise good, stay with him. If he just says he feels bad but makes no effort to do better in future, leave.

Yeah it’s worrying that you feel like this. It suggests to me that without this evidence, down the line he’ll be denying it or telling you you’re crazy (and that gaslighting does go hand in hand with other coercive and abusive behaviours).

Read ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft. I read it after I had been in 2 abusive relationships and was still coming to terms with that label; it was eye-opening for me. We tend to be like the proverbial frog in water: throw a frog into hot water and it jumps right out again, but slowly heat the water up and it stays inside to the point of harm. That happens in relationships too- things start really small, isolated incidents among general loveliness. Then they might get more impactful, but we still stay because we still believe in the lovely man. Eventually we never see the lovely man and the incidents are all serious and we spend our lives trying to predict and avoid the next explosion and placate the monster we find ourselves living with. But we can’t, because he chooses his actions. Bancroft’s book is based on years of work with domestic abusers and the point of commonality is that they all choose these behaviours, purely because they benefit from them.

I hope you find a way out. Please do take this seriously, and at the least create an emergency parachute fund, your documents and precious things kept somewhere safe that he doesn’t have access to, and a plan. Mention to a friend or your therapist about the punching walls. And also watch your bodily sensations- do you feel safe or do you have to reassure your body by telling yourself you’re safe?

It's really hard to say and depends on context. If you feel you're in danger, then of course flee.

I have been in that position in a heated row (it was a bedroom cupboard door). It wasn't like DH was intentionally trying to punch, more like he hit it from the side out frustration and didn't know his strength.

It was awkward. We discussed it and moved on.

That was my experience. Nothing has happened since. I've never been hit, or felt like I was in danger. I respect that hasn't been other women's experience. You make the choice that's right for you.

He seems horrified at his behavior and apologizes, cries, says hes a bad person. i think things change but then 'something' happens again...

I have previously tried to address it, suggested GP etc and he punched the cupboards because he said I was attacking him, but I wasn't, i didn't mean it, i was just pointing out it's not ok. maybe i did nag too much, i don't know! i just wanted a conversation.

These parts are what would seriously concern me. He’s repeatedly doing something that upsets you. He acknowledges that it’s wrong and apologises, says he won’t do it again. But he does, and the cycle repeats. Then he says that you are “attacking him” when you point out that what has happened in the past (his acknowledging the damage done and his responsibility for it and apologising) has not worked and the problem is still there, and so you want the two of you to discuss a different way of handling the problem. If he loves you and cares about your well being, why WON'T he at least consider and discuss taking steps to stop doing something that he knows hurts you?

i feel like i'm being a bitch.

He’s not “a bad person” because he punched a wall, and you’re not a “bitch” because you asked him to make sure he doesn’t do it again (not just to SAY he won’t). But YOU are spending all this time and energy on worrying about possibly hurting his feelings, and whether you’re being unreasonable to want a respectful partner and to feel safe at home while HE is not willing to have a conversation about your feelings (rather than, or in addition to, just his). He ADMITS that he is being unreasonable and yet refuses to discuss/consider making a real change.

i am afraid everyone will say i'm losing a good man. It's like this heavy secret. Because genuinely people say to me that i am lucky to have him.

Nobody can see your relationship from the inside except you and your partner. Every single person you’re afraid would judge you for leaving him has the chance to choose whether or not to be with THEIR partner. They do not also get to choose whether or not YOU stay with yours.

i'm scared he could change and i haven't given him the chance. You have given him MANY chances to change. He hasn’t, right? He does the exact same thing again. His routine of apologising isn’t working, but he won’t even discuss taking the next step. Ask him one more time if you feel you must, and if he’s still refusing to consider or discuss getting any kind of help and he's still blaming you/shutting you out instead, there’s your answer.

He seems horrified at his behavior and apologizes, cries, says hes a bad person. i think things change but then 'something' happens again...

So basically, he portrays himself as a victim, even as HIS behaviour negatively impacts you?

Sorry, OP. It's not normal behaviour and should not be minimised or normalised no matter how 'frustrated' someone is. It's not OK ever.

It's scaring you and he's done it more than once, despite all the self pity afterwards. It sounds as if it could easily escalate but even if it didn't you shouldn't live in fear of the next time.

The point of psychological violence is the victim lives in fear, they moderate their own behaviour as a result. They start to fear the next outburst, it’s considered controlling behaviour, because there is a powerless aspect to living like this.

It eventually usually results in the victim losing all confidence in themselves. When that happens, they will find it almost impossible to leave. They may have very little strength and resources to take that step after years of living in fear. The longer you stay there, the harder it will become to leave even when his behavior inevitably escalates. We see many men crying in court with remorse, even after nearly killing their wives and partners. It’s not unusual, and not a sign anything will change.

If you already have MH issues op, this is just about the worst environment you could be living in. You are not safe. Can you please consider telling your MH team what is happening at home? At the very least they will want to support you more fully.

I absolutely would. It's a huge red flag of things to come. He is training her to be frightened of even talking about something that he doesn't want her to raise.

"I have previously tried to address it, suggested GP etc and he punched the cupboards because he said I was attacking him, but I wasn't, i didn't mean it, i was just pointing out it's not ok."

He's already training her to blame herself for his violence:

"maybe i did nag too much, i don't know! i just wanted a conversation."

@Colacherrydrops89 Please, I know you're doubting yourself because of your past, but please believe me when I say that NOTHING that come out of your mouth should be reacted to with violence, against you, against a wall, against a pet, or anything else. A punch is a violent act. Punching a wall is promise to the future. it says, "If you don't behave yourself and stop saying or doing anything that I don't like, the next punch will be for you."

If he were a good man he would have taken himself off to therapy, to an anger management course, or frankly have split up with you because he recognised that he was in no fit state to be in a relationship. It HAS to come from the person who has the problem, ALWAYS. It's no use you booking him therapy or asking him to do it. HE has to want and be taking concrete actions towards change.

He isn't. THAT's all of the data you need.

He is not a good man. He is a man who is using violence against inanimate objects to get you to stop asking him to address his problem behaviour. I have zero doubt that he is an abusive man, and I highly suspect that he will escalate.

I STRONGLY urge you to get out of there.

Otherwise things are very good. He is attentive, emotionally supportive of my MH etc and doesn't cheat etc.

This is not true. You are getting professional help with MH caused by childhood trauma. And he emotionally abuses you with repeated episodes of explosive anger.

I can't see if you have children or not but if you do then get out even sooner.

This!
You're questioning whether you nagged too much and therefore he punched something. Have you ever felt the need to punch something when he annoyed you? I bet you haven't.

If you've no children, honestly, I would try to leave.
You mentioned your past history - this may be making you more vulnerable to staying in a situation which others which not accept.

How many times have you punched a wall OP?

How many times have your colleagues punched walls?

We all feel anger and some of us do find it harder to control than others.
We all do stupid stuff sometimes.

As a one off, I can understand why you didn’t leave but this is an ongoing thing - it’s not getting better and won’t.

He doesn’t even like you enough to want to try and get help.

My home is the place where I feel 100% safe. I lock the door and I am so at peace.

You deserve so much better OP.

I would go by how it makes you feel.

Abusive people's behaviour is designed to cause an imbalance between them and their intimate partner/family member. The imbalance allows the abuser to have more power/control than the victim.

E.g. People live in a household where every time one specific person gets frustrated, they punch the wall/door or they throw and break something. Most people observing this would feel scared, upset, and/or apprehensive because they don't know what is happening or how to make it better. When the behaviour repeats itself periodically, this conditions the observers of the behaviour to anticipate that it might happen again. In which case, it causes people to tread on eggshells, wondering if it might happen or perhaps if something worse might happen.

This puts the person who is outwardly displaying their frustration in physical ways, in a position of power and control over the others they live with.

The cycle of abuse is worth looking at, as it explains how someone can be a seemingly lovely partner, but also have these type of outbursts.

@Chiseltip imagine you have a family childminder you’ve trusted for years and you hear they’ve recently started releasing their ‘emotion’ by punching holes into walls. Are you seriously telling me that’s a normal venting response and you’d happily still let them babysit because that’s ‘not violence’?

Oh, and on what other people will think: care less! Easier said than done, but it is a choice that you can make.

If your friends and family knew about the behaviour that you're hiding from them, they wouldn't want you to stay in harm's way either.

Nobody in a healthy relationship has to hide their partner's temper from the rest of the world.

It's happened twice now and he's blaming you.

Hitting objects is very often escaltes to hitting people.

He has an issue regulating his emotions.
He doesn't appear concerned about it.
He is doing nothing to address it (anger management, therapy etc).

You are rightly concerned.

I wouldn't risk staying as you could be next.

You will also start changing your behaviour around time trying not to set him off - that's no way to live.

He punches walls now, and then will get used to it and punch closer and closer to you… and then it will be you