Be honest with me, wwyd?

[Colacherrydrops89]

Sorry to be vague, I am concerned about being outting.

My H punched a wall on the weekend upstairs in our home. It was hard enough that his hand still hurt the next day.

This is the second time this has happened.
I haven't told anyone IRL about either occasion. I don't have many friends or family to tell anyway.

I took the women's aid quiz last night and he doesn't do any of those things, it's just that it's a bit shit sometimes but not DV.

He's since apologized over text and call and in person. Just said he was just 'frustrated'.

Be honest, do I leave over this?
Or am I being rash in my decision making?
What would you do?

I will be transparent and say I do have PTSD due to childhood trauma and am under MH team so I'm asking because I'm not sure if I am overreacting over a mistake or something.

Otherwise things are very good. He is attentive, emotionally supportive of my MH etc and doesn't cheat etc.

Thanks.

Everyone gets angry.
Everyone shouts.

Abusers punch things.
Abusers blame others, usually their partners.
Abusers use any excuse to excuse their behaviour.
Abusers use MH as an excuse.
Abusers are nice, well behaved and helpful at work and with family, but at home angry, sulky, frustrated, dictatorial.
Abusers persuade others through words or actions that they are somehow provoking the inappropriate behaviour.

He may never hit you, but you will, and likely already have, lowered your voice, not raised things, not challenged things, reduced yourself, hollowed yourself out and reduced your expectations, wants and needs to prevent reoccurrence only to find that it takes less and less for him to react.

You can't work with someone who isn't to blame in their view. Apologies are meaningless without change. People don't change.

So did mine.

It is ok if you decide this is your line in the sand but be aware there are women on here who tell others to leave after being called a C*%t or just simply sworn at.

It’s not normal to whack doors in anger but not necessarily a reason to run and if he can’t process his emotions then he might need help with that.

Op all the replies and statements you’ve made sound like me 20 years ago. My ex-h never did lay a finger on me but he’s destroyed my life and my 2 dds too with his nasty temper, unpredictability and once I left, sheer vindictiveness. We all walked on eggshells for years. I strongly suggest you do not have kids with this man, I wish my children never had to live with shouting, banging, rage, holes in walls around him. But then my opinion at the time was “he’s so good the rest of the time” This behaviour is so damaging long term op, no matter how infrequent.

No, bc he is my best friend.

He has never hit me and if he did I would leave.

People react in different ways to anger. He also has MS which can affect his reactions.

I will bang the door when I am very angry. Is punching a door so different?

None of what you’ve described is normal behaviour. He’s capturing you in the cycle of abuse, apology, crying, promises. He’s scaring you and then giving you a big dopamine hit of relief afterwards. The fear followed by the relief and sudden attentiveness and loving behaviour is a trap that is so hard to escape. It leaves you in constant alert, and it makes you feel guilt and pity for him because some part of you feels like it isn’t really his fault, he’s changed, he’s finally, really realised what he keeps putting you through. He’s promised he won’t do it again this time - he really does understand what you mean and he’s so so sorry.

I’ve been there OP. Listen to your instincts, even if he’s telling you your instincts are wrong. You know it’s awful behaviour - you have to get yourself out asap. You can get through it and you’ll feel so so free when you’re out of there.

Try not to worry about whether other people will believe you. The good ones will. Some people might put their head in the sand, because it makes them feel awful to think that they didn’t notice it do anything about the abuse. None of that matters anywhere near as much as you getting out and being free and happy.

Good luck OP 💐

It might be a good thing to tell someone else about the real him and what is happening. They might be surprised ...but they might see more than you think. You need support.

Keeping himself as the good guy to those around you both is another way he has of isolating you.

I'd get on very.reliable contraception and start looking to leave safely.

I would not "keep his secrets".

I'll be honest and say it may take a while to escalate... but it will escalate eventually.
for example my dad used to do this and my mum stayed and had kids... (they were good together, everyone liked him, she could "fix" him... it was "just walls") he did about a decade of smashing/ punching walls and breaking (other people's) things before my dad started physically beating us and my mum. I was about 5/6 then? Then it was another 8-10 yrs or so before the beatings escalated / "got serious" ie. needed hospital or medical treatment.

I had a partner many years ago who did this.

He was aiming for my face, I moved, he punched the wall behind me instead and dislocated his shoulder (had been previously dislocated).

I was pregnant, a long way from home, and felt a bit trapped, saw it as a one off, he apologised, we moved on...

Anyway, he then tried pushing me down the stairs while I was still pregnant.

I was a single parent before the baby was born 👍

Dump him.

Leave him. Before he punches you in the face. My one and only caveat would be if he agrees to do an anger management course. You could stick around and see how he is after this. But even then, I'm not sure

You don’t need to measure yourself by other people’s standards OP. It’s clearly scaring you and he’s refusing to get help to stop it. You are therefore not over reacting. If this is your red line (and it would me mine too) then you need to tell him to leave.

When I was very young, I was in a violent, abusive relationship. Leaving him, and staying away was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

Do you know what my dad's response was? "Apart from that he was a nice guy!". Seriously, my dad who should have wanted to kill him....He was known as a really nice guy by almost everyone, but leaving was still the best thing I did. If I had stayed, I would have been killed eventually.

Clearly it’s not a ‘normal’ emotional reaction. Are there external stresses he’s not managing to cope with?

@SalmonOnFinnCrispI’m so sorry this happened to you

I think it's also not that uncommon and most people have "something" from their childhoods.

His last 15 yrs on this earth were lonely and shit and he died horribly and alone.
while I'd never admit IRL even to my dh probably, he 100% deserved it and i am pleased after decades of terrorising us he died scared and alone.

I think my badly articulated point to OP was please just dont chose this. Even if it seems like its "not getting worse"... it wil get worse in the end

Start trying not to. It’s unfair for other people to hear banging and crashing because you are having a bad day.

Do you bang and crashing and slam if no one is there to hear it? I certainly don’t want to hear it. It’s the adult version of a toddler’s tantrum.

So you and your DH both go round banging or punching doors?
Even at your work place and friends/families homes????

I don’t believe you.
I don’t believe your DH is going round to his mates house punching holes in the walls.
I don’t believe that if he was in the supermarket and there was an attractive cashier but he was angry that he’d start punching things.

If he’s not constantly getting arrested or sacked from his jobs or banned from your parents home because he can’t help punching walls - it means that he can control his anger and doesn’t need to punch things - he is CHOOSING to only punch walls in your home around you.

He might well do if he had an argument with an attractive cashier and got very angry.

So are you saying that if I looked like a model, he wouldn't punch the door? So only unattractive women are with men that get angry and it never happens to beautiful women

There have been hundreds of examples where attractive women have been killed by their partners in anger.

We live in a detached house. If we didn't I wouldn't do it, but to be honest, I only really did it bc he got angry (bc of his MS I think and bc of the way his ex treated him) and I want to show him that I am angry too otherwise he thinks that only he can get angry.

But as I said, the punched the door about 15 years ago and has not done it since and it has been several years since we have had a big argument mainly bc he now realises that I care about him (unlike his ex) and that when I say something I don't have an ulterior motive and am not attacking him.

We are very happy together so all I am saying is that people can change (but then he was always a decent guy anyway). I am not naive enough to realise that the vast majority of men don't change but there a some decent guys around.

It resonated with me, @IMustDoMoreExercise because I had to ask DH, again, not to bang and shout and swear when he’s irritated. I’ve mentioned it to him quite a lot, but it hadn’t occurred to him that I have to actually hear it and that it’s not restful when someone is swearing because they dropped a cup, or shouting because the parcel wouldn’t fit in the bag, or any number of small irritations that his natural reaction is to shout about. My mother was a shouter. I was pleased to leave home.

When I say it hadn’t occurred to him- I’ve told him quite often but he hasn’t actually ’heard’ me until recently.

‘Before they bite, they bark. Before they hit you, they hit near you’

It is.

That sounds exactly like our relationship. It is stressful listening to someone get angry even if it has nothing to do with you especially when it is something trivial.

Fortunately, he has stopped that now and it very rarely happens unless something serious has happened which is normal behaviour.

But the last 20 years have been the best of my life and I am so happy that my husband it also my best friend.

I also appreciate him more bc my ex was awful.

I was the same, but fortunately I was able to leave before it got to ‘me’

Pretty much all of the replies on here have been from a female perspective.
It's horrible if they are with low emotional intelligence ex partners.
I'm an early 50s bloke.
When I was at secondary school, someone challenged me to punch a door which I did and broke the door but I used to work out in the gym a lot.
That was the first time out of three that I've done something like that.
Second time I was hugely frustrated with conflicting parental styles and I have the emotional intelligence and moral compass to never punch or hit a person.
I punched the wall, made of plasterboard, and went through it.
The concept of hitting someone would never cross my mind.
Third time I was sharing my children how strong someone can be when I was in a rented place after divorce and I stupidly punched through the wall which I had to get fixed.
NAMALT.
People have different intelligence, emotional intelligence, anger management techniques and moral standards and I think it's hugely unfair that everyone piles in with a comment that all men are going to be like that.
The default answer on mum's net seems to be ltb.
Is the destruction of the nuclear family.