Be honest with me, wwyd?

[Colacherrydrops89]

Sorry to be vague, I am concerned about being outting.

My H punched a wall on the weekend upstairs in our home. It was hard enough that his hand still hurt the next day.

This is the second time this has happened.
I haven't told anyone IRL about either occasion. I don't have many friends or family to tell anyway.

I took the women's aid quiz last night and he doesn't do any of those things, it's just that it's a bit shit sometimes but not DV.

He's since apologized over text and call and in person. Just said he was just 'frustrated'.

Be honest, do I leave over this?
Or am I being rash in my decision making?
What would you do?

I will be transparent and say I do have PTSD due to childhood trauma and am under MH team so I'm asking because I'm not sure if I am overreacting over a mistake or something.

Otherwise things are very good. He is attentive, emotionally supportive of my MH etc and doesn't cheat etc.

Thanks.

I think people are only sharing their own experiences?

@AntikytheraMech only one of those times was like the OP’s situation though.

How did your partner react? What did you do about the situation that made you so frustrated?

The female perspective is that men are generally significantly stronger than we are and can kill us with one punch. If they don’t have enough self control, we are at serious risk. It’s akin to you being in a confined space with a bad tempered chimp. Unpleasant, unpredictable, and no guarantee you’ll get out alive.

Tbh I don’t care if the thought of hitting someone would never cross your mind.

The fact is, if you’re punching walls, doors or whatever, I’m not hanging around to find out if I’m next. Why the hell should women wait and see?

the destruction of the nuclear family is not because of women wanting to be certain they are safe from men who feel punching walls and doors is acceotable. It’s not acceptable.

The default answer on mum's net seems to be ltb.
Is the destruction of the nuclear family.

It's not women's responsibility to stay with men who punch walls. If men cared so much for "the nuclear family", they'd take their desire to punch things to the gym instead of terrorising their wives.

I’d leave as I grew up in a household with screaming, shouting and then the silent treatment. My ex had a temper and he loved to ignore me for weeks. So I left and have never regretted it (despite 2 kids). I couldn’t live in that environment.

My stbxh has been like this for years. First time was when he punched our new fridge freezer and dented the door because when he was tiling the kitchen he broke a tile he was cutting. We hadn't been together that long so I just brushed over it. Every time his temper came out there was a reason for it.
We eventually married and then me and our DC were baring the brunt of it. He punched the wall outside the house and called me all the names under the sun. Then he started doing things to our child. Threw a washing basket at him, picked him up by his top when he was angry and shouted at him, kicked a jug at him in a temper... This was before he was 10.
He's also punched a hole in our bathroom wall and threatened to beat me.
In between all of the incidents he is 'loving' and generous with gifts etc. He's also got lots of friends.
It's made me despise him. I've had counselling which has been enlightening for me. He hasn't liked what I've been told though and maintains it was all still my fault.

Basically, relationships shouldn't be like this. You shouldn't have to hide his behaviours (like I did too) and you shouldn't be uneasy or scared around him. That's not good or right.

@AntikytheraMechalmost every one of the replies have been from women that have first hand experience of living with someone who does this and you really don’t have the right to minimize the distress this causes. You don’t need to have any intention to hit anyone. Men should not be losing their temper and being aggressive in the home their wife and children live in, full stop. I see you did this and are now divorced, speaks volumes. Your emotional quotient isn’t nearly as high as you think it is and you need to go back to the drawing board dude.

AntikytheraMech

NAMALT

No, they're not.

But you are.

I have the emotional intelligence and moral compass to never punch or hit a person.

I punched the wall, made of plasterboard, and went through it.

The concept of hitting someone would never cross my mind.

This is abusive, threatening and intimidating behaviour. You were unable to control, regulate or manage your own feelings so had a little tantrum and damaged things as a result. You consider the fact that you would never hit a person to be a sign of high emotional intelligence and a moral compass. I consider it to be the very lowest bar possible. Pathetic.

Hence, I'm in a relationship with a man who hasn't ever lost his temper and put his fist through anything.

"It’s akin to you being in a confined space with a bad tempered chimp. Unpleasant, unpredictable, and no guarantee you’ll get out alive."

Very profound way of putting it.

Why on earth would you demonstrate to your children how strong someone can be by punching through a wall? What function does this behaviour serve and what is it teaching them exactly? That you have to punch to show other people that you're tough/strong?

If you want to show them how strong you are maybe you could lift up a heavy object like a weight? Why use a behaviour which most people perceive as aggressive? In front of your children?

Also I'm sorry to break this to you but you are on MUMSnet - it is therefore logical that most posts on here will be written by...mums (it doesn't mean that men aren't welcome, it's just that the majority of people here are female). Everyone on this thread spoke from their own experience and unfortunately it appears to be overwhelmingly negative. This doesn't mean that everyone in the whole entire world will experience the exact same things exactly the same way. OP can still, however use these responses to form her own opinion on her own situation and proceed in a way that will keep her safe.

Bottom line is this: if your partner (regardless of gender) does anything to scare you, intimidate you, make you or your children feel unsafe in any way, shape or form, with physical violence or emotionally/psychologically - get some support, evaluate your options and seek safety and a peaceful environment.

If anger is causing the other person to be afraid then it's abuse. Psychological abuse at the moment. I think most people would be afraid if they witnessed someone punching a wall etc. You'll be walking on eggshells before long and that's no way to live.