Until what age should children’s preference for living arrangements come first?

[whiteumbrella]

I often ponder this. DP & I have been in a relationship for 5yrs and both had 9yr olds when we met. We would love to move in together now, but both DC don’t want that and we want to keep things stable for exam years so will continue living apart. (They get on with respective partners, but like their own safe space) What is the magic age when we decide to move in together against our DC’s wishes? One DC is likely to live at home during uni and the other DC is in London so may be later to move out.

When they go to uni or move out - basically when the family home isn't their main base

When they leave home.

How would you feel if you were forced to live with someone, when you didn’t want to live with them?

I’d say once they’re adults and are able to leave of their own accord, is probably the trigger to making it ok.

So it could be when they’re 25?! 😱

I had 18 in my mind…🤔

i think 18 is perfectly reasonable, but the compromise would be making sure everyone had their own personal bedrooms.

I'd also say when they've decided to move out.

The basic answer is that most children if you move in with someone they don’t like will make your life a living hell.

toddlers and young children won’t do it knowingly (mostly) but will be very unsettled.

teens and beyond can and absolutely will make your blended family a living nightmare.

I think at 18 asking the kids to share would be a little bizarre…

Assuming you are in a stable relationship and they will get their own rooms, I honestly would just do what I wanted to do. I can’t imagine why you would put that much in their hands.

I don't think you should be dictated to by adult children who could choose to live elsewhere if they didn't like the arrangements at home. So, if the one living at home during uni could choose to live elsewhere, like halls, then I think it's fine.
They could vote with their feet then of course, and you might not see as much of them. But I think that's true for other families where they may choose to change their living arrangements once their kids are off to uni and stuff.

This is very difficult and I don’t think an anonymous forum can tell you - we don’t know if the kids get along, are troubled in other ways, feel elbowed out by missing the other parent.

The fact the kids are the same age feels especially “weird” - I’d feel threatened by that.

Thinking of my 15yo dd any significant change annoys her. Some days, just me breathing in her vicinity or standing near her or looking in her general direction annoys her. Teenagers are really easy to annoy.

They are also often unbelievably selfish at this age. The idea that you have a right to live a happy life is unimportant.

The idea of you having sex is unthinkable.

You could gently try to find positives - there would be more space if you got a larger home together; more money for vacations and driving lessons. And promises like, you would not blend your family holidays - if that’s important you’ll still vacation separately. And maybe you don’t blend Christmas celebrations - you each head off to your own families.

I think it’s interesting that Foster organisations never let you have a child similar age to your own. It’s so easy for a child to feel threatened and replaced.

I wouldn’t say when they decide to move out- what if they don’t want to move out until they’re 28 or something? I would say 21. Then all their studying will likely be done and they will be fully fledged adults who can stay at home or move out if they wish. I’d just make sure they don’t have to share a bedroom.

Partly depends why they are against it.

Does your child not like your DP? Not like the other child? If so then I wouldn’t expect them to live with someone they don’t like. So when they move out.

Or is it a more general anti change/ anti sharing of space. If it’s that then I would say once they start work FT, at that time it’s more of a lodger arrangement and they are out a lot. Maybe uni, depends how much time they are out of the house.

i meant in terms of if they're away at Uni.

I know people who because they had 18yo living away during term time, they didn't make sure they had their own room in the home any longer when they moved house, they were forced to share during school holiday/breaks.

When they move out permanently, as long as they are paying rent if not in education. It is their home. How would you feel if they decided they were going to bring a friend to live in your home when you didn’t want them there?

Because they didn't choose to be born, or go through a parental split, or be part of a blended family. Their only safe space is their home, so if that doesn't feel like a home because they are forced to live with a parent's partner's family they don't feel happy living with then that's a huge issue. And there's plenty of evidence that if that safety and security goes it's a slippery slope, especially for teens.

18 is reasonable, as they are adults then, and you can’t put your life on hold for ever. As long as there isn’t a background story of not liking respective partners, and you say there isn’t.
But I honestly think it should be when you want, as you are the adult and they like each other, they don’t get to make the decision. If there has been parental loss, grief etc, maybe I wouldn’t force it as much. I get not doing it through GCSE time though, i understand that could be disruptive.
Maybe get married first so you show them that you are committed, as the could be worried you move in together and split up not long down the line?

Your kid and his both do not want you moving in together.

Unless there's a big change, probably until they're both finished with schooling. Their home life affects their schooling and when the kids are opposed to blending families, you will end up with a mangled family that can leave lifelong issues.

I think 18 is reasonable, as long as you are in a position to help them to live on their own if they don’t want to live in a shared home with your partner. By that, I mean, cost of living makes it hard for most young people to get their own places. If they want to get a flat share and not live with your partner, I think the onus is on you to make sure they are set up independently before moving him in.

On a really practical level, it may be took much at 18 to jump into uni and independent living AND essentially lose their family home. You may need to slowly edge into it: living with each other but still maintaining separate homes so you can be there with your children when they are back home, etc.

My mum wouldn’t even properly date anyone until I was 16/17, but they never stayed over. She moved in with her partner when I was probably 25, which was fine. But I’d been living on my own since I was probably 21.

Btw, it is unlikely that his DC will move in as such. His child currently lives with mum and he has them 30% of the time at his parents because he works/lives hours away. So it’ll be him, me, my DC and we’ll have a bedroom for his DC, but unlikely they would make the journey very often.

I agree that 18 is the earliest it should be considered. The fact that they are the same age is tricky - they would be likely to find it very 'weird'. Especially if they are opposite sex. Even sharing the bathroom would be so weird for a teen. They could make your life hell and it wouldn't be worth it.

I do think there's a time where you have to put yourself first though. I have a dream to move four hours away and I know I can't do it for about another 7 years, when the youngest will be 20 and will hopefully be independent. I feel trapped by my own kids sometimes. But it's not their fault.

The reason mine gave was they enjoy walking around the house in their underwear and using the toilet with the door open 😅 which I suppose translates to having a safe space.

Finishing high school. Just pre-warn them though.

Finishing high school. Just pre-warn them though.