Until what age should children’s preference for living arrangements come first?

[whiteumbrella]

I often ponder this. DP & I have been in a relationship for 5yrs and both had 9yr olds when we met. We would love to move in together now, but both DC don’t want that and we want to keep things stable for exam years so will continue living apart. (They get on with respective partners, but like their own safe space) What is the magic age when we decide to move in together against our DC’s wishes? One DC is likely to live at home during uni and the other DC is in London so may be later to move out.

Could you afford lots of space? Like house with 3 en suite bathrooms. Kids may be persuaded for an upgrade.

Agreed.

Or you could just do what normal people do who don't ask mumsnet and move in now (or a couple of years ago).
This thread is absolutely bonkers vs the real world 😂.

Moving teens in together is likely to ruin your relationship, or your relationship with your DC. I'd wait until the kids leave home. My relationship with my children is my priority and something I view as life long, I wouldn't risk that for a relationship that isn't stable enough to survive living separately.

Everyone's normal is totally different. Even to the most dysfunctional people, their life is normal to them. It depends who you surround yourself with.

In general I would say 18. Though there will be a few cases where the child by voicing objection is raising a valid concern about choice of new partner.

Ophs yes, @TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango1.

In that case, I’d base my decision on how well the teens get on. If there’s any tension, I’d wait until they’re 18.

My friend and her now-DH have girls the same age who really didn’t get on when they were teenagers so they waited until they matured a little. Mid-teens can be so tricky!

I think it’s hugely damaging to lean so heavily on a child’s choice.

If you value your relationship with your DC you wait. What will happen if they don’t go to university, don’t get the grades or choose a different path? All those saying 18 and if they don’t like it they can move out where do you think they will go? Surely if the DC are not in agreement you wait or it will be ‘My mum made me leave when I was 18, she chose her boyfriend over me. I don’t really see her much’

Er..I'm ten years into a relationship where we see each other about once a week and he almost never stays over when my kids are around. They're mid teens now so we've probably got about another 5 years . Their home is their absolute safe space, secure sanctuary where they can stop masking to fit in. We are committed to a future together and we're mature adults. We can wait.

I’m not so sure I would let that decision be dictated by a couple of 14 year olds. You’ve been together five years so it’s a stable relationship not some flash in the pan partner.
Presumably you get on well. Do the kids get on ok with each other? Would the kids be living with you both full time or do you and OH share their care with their other parents?
I mean obviously talk to them about it, try to get to the bottom of their reasons. It has to be about more than just ‘they don’t want to’ and find it a bit icky. They could be dictating this aspect of your lives until they are well into their twenties at this rate! I’m not saying just power ahead, but I also wouldn’t rule it out.

Why?

If I understand this correctly

• You've been together 5 years
• You live at home with one 14yo
• Your partner lives in a different house and his 14yo spends 30% of their time with your partner, and 70% with their other parent
• Your 14yo doesn't want you and your partner to move in together because they like going to the loo with the door open and walking around in their pants
• The two 14yos would not live together. You and your partner would live with your 14yo, his 14yo would come and stay, presumably 30% of the time.

I'd want to understand if there was anything deeper sitting behind your 14yos reasons than just general 'I don't like change' because they're rubbish reasons.

And I'd want to understand whether your partner's 14yo is worried they'd lose one on one time with their dad if he was part of another family.

I'd need to know whether the two 14yos broadly get on or not.

And whether they'd have separate rooms.

But assuming they each like you and your partner, get on ok and would have separate rooms, I'd move in together now. They're only seeing what they might lose, and as long as you make it very clear that they wouldn't lose anything worth having (close the door when you're piddling, you piglet, but we'll still have special us time - let's schedule it), then they could gain a lot from this relationship. I'm a firm believer in love growing, not dividing, and the power of good step-parents to add to a child's life, because that's what I have experienced myself growing up.

If you have ANY doubts about your partner, at all, or if anyone doesn't get on with anyone else, you have to wait until they're adults I'm afraid.

walking around the house in their underwear and using the toilet with the door open is DISGUSTING. ewwwwww

Id also add in my case that it's not because the children don't want us to live together. It's my choice not to make that move and deal with whatever"step" dynamic happens. My DP is a good, kind solid guy who helps out a lot with various things on their behalf but he has no inclination to be a step parent and I'm happier as we are. I want to live with him but only when the time is right.

@whiteumbrella Ultimately, only you and your DP know how your children will feel about this, we can only speculate. In my limited experience of two children (now 20 and 17), the mid-teens are tricky so I would wait until they’re slightly older. 🤷

Oh grow up. No one is asking you to.

Really?

That is NOT a good enough reason to deprive you of the support and comfort of living with your life partner.

Maybe if we focus on the concept of their safe space instead of getting hung up on the detail / example their teenage brain came up with it makes more sense.

This guy only bothers with his kid 30% of the time because he chooses to live "hours away" from them. I hope (but given the thread, doubt) that OP has a different outlook on life than him.

FOREVER, of course! As if you even need to ask! @whiteumbrella

I think maybe wait until they’re 18 - but don’t feel bad about doing it before! It’s your life and you sound like you’ve already been very considerate! My son was really unhappy about moving house (and that was with only me and him), but two years down the line he’s pleased we moved! Kids are adaptable and so long as they get on with your partner, I wouldn’t wait x

My daughter is 17 and not a chance i’d move a man in with her whilst she still lived at home. She is very shy and quiet, and homely. I know she would hate it.

@Zanatdy
”homely”…how?!

What? And just have miserable kids that resent you all? Sounds idyllic