Until what age should children’s preference for living arrangements come first?

[whiteumbrella]

I often ponder this. DP & I have been in a relationship for 5yrs and both had 9yr olds when we met. We would love to move in together now, but both DC don’t want that and we want to keep things stable for exam years so will continue living apart. (They get on with respective partners, but like their own safe space) What is the magic age when we decide to move in together against our DC’s wishes? One DC is likely to live at home during uni and the other DC is in London so may be later to move out.

Whilst I understand your sentiments what if she decides to stay in your home until she's 30.
Adult children don't get to dictate to their parents who they spend thd rest of their lives with.
I've seen many women who held off partners for the sake of their kids and ended up breaking up. Then the kids leave home to lead their own lives and mum is left on her own.

You are not single though. In this case your partner hasn’t been able to move in with you either, so it’s both a woman and a man that’s affected. The sexist part is that mothers are normally the resident parents, and that comes with all kinds of restrictions. It’s not sexism that your teenage daughter doesn’t want to share her home with your partner and that you are respectful of that.

It’s very sexist, women must be punished or martyrs for having children, men can do what they like 🙄

Its double standards 🤷‍♀️

@Gingernessy i won’t be facilitating this from an adult dc who at 30 can move out. Children and teens don’t have that option and I fear she will go live with my ex full time ( I want her to stay with me for the 50% share I have). BTW my kids will have the means as soon as they are 21 to have their own place as they have a trust fund / inheritance). Hopefully by then they will be mature enough to see and value that it’s important for me to have my own life.

Yes agree 100%. Being a mum has so many unrealistic expectations. My child is quite like yours but has recently become a bit very nice person to be around. So I just want to keep things stable and let her get on with her GCSE’s and hope she matures a bit.

This is such an interesting thread and i would like to offer my perspective. I grew up in Southern Europe where extended families are quite normal; but before people get all misty-eyed and nostalgic about the beauty of this I should add it is not aways by choice and there can be a lot of resentment. A typical example would be children who live with other adult relatives such as: widowed grandparents, or unmarried aunts or uncles. Please note this was and is still very normal in Southern Europe. Clearly these people are blood relatives rather than mum’s boyfriend, but nevertheless you cannot run around the house in your underpants anymore. Yet nobody would describe this as a traumatising situation, even though the kids in this scenario would rather live with just mum and dad.

What I am trying to say, a lot of this is cultural. The idea that the ideal family unit is a nuclear family with a biological mum and dad and 2.4 children - and anything different is inferior, such as the 'mangled blended families' of one commenter - is an anglo-saxon construct. Other cultures have different models of what a family is, and therefore a different definition what constitutes a ’safe house’ for children. Needless to say, I think the OP is being way too cautious around her DD and should prioritise her own needs and relationship. I appreciate that my view is skewed but I just wanted to put a different spin on the discussion.

I just think I'd hate not to have a choice about who moved into my home, I can't see why childrens feelings about it don't count according to some on this thread.
My view would be when they are old enough that they could move out with people they do get to choose for themselves.

The idea that the ideal family unit is a nuclear family with a biological mum and dad and 2.4 children - and anything different is inferior, such as the 'mangled blended families' of one commenter - is an anglo-saxon construct.

Pretty funny, given that I'm not from an "anglo-saxon" culture and didn't grow up in that kind of family grouping.

My comment is referring to the families of people with existing kids who marry but the families don't blend, they become mangled and dysfunctional. That experience isn't just specific to one culture and how odd to think so.

@pannacotta1 it’s not about idealising the nuclear family. It’s about stability and consistency and not suddenly introducing a couple of strangers into the home

Yes having a grandparent or auntie or uncle
come to live with you is disruptive of stability but less so, as presumably you would have known them all your life and probably been quite close to them (if they are now coming to
live with you). Different from strangers.

I would say 18 or by the time they start asking for boyfriend / girlfriend to stay the night as then they won’t be worried about your privacy. Also surely comes an age where you don’t want the door open when using the toilet even with just your mum living there

Children are just guests in the home. They get a say when they begin working and contributing.

That is the antithesis of our parenting philosophy.

They may well do and I hope that's the case.
I have a specific friend whose relationship failed because they lived apart for years to accommodate her children. A couple of years after the split both her children moved out to live with partners. She's now lucky if she sees either of them once a month. Phone calls are sporadic because she stopped calling them after constantly being told they were busy or couldn't talk now. She's lonely and feels used and uncared for.
Her kids tell her she should find a new partner (cruel in my opinion) but as she says she's to old for anyone to want her now unless they might need a carer soon.

I wouldn’t move in with a partner if it meant my uni-age child would stop coming home. My son moved out after a few months back home after uni, to live with his gf, which is great in many ways (I want him to be happy) but my goodness I miss him. I only see him about once a month now.

No it's not. It's about resident and non resident parents. The fact that it's usually the mother that's the RP is just how it is. There's a million really interesting conversations to be had about why that is but in relation to this, it's not sexist. My ex moved in with ow pretty much straight away. Fortunately my kids like her but it's not their home, they don't feel relaxed there the same way they do at our house and they don't up terribly often now theyre teens. As to full adults, 20 + then yes, I think at that point harder conversations might need having but 18 is still likely in education, highly unlikely to be living independently. If they're at uni with a 12 month housing contract, I think fair enough perhaps.

@Gingernessy thats so sad for your friend and I don’t disagree with you, your friends situation may well be my situation in the future:I will be 52 when youngest is 18 and I would have been with my partner 10 years now. Their main issue is he is effectively not “posh enough” for them therefore no good for their mother. It’s a load of rubbish as he’s successful and takes care of me very well. Your friends situation is a very sobering thought :(

Oh yes I hadn’t thought of this angle but if I were relying on my adult daughter for any company I would certainly be lonely! I have zero resentment about that and I am glad that she has her own life but children do seem to have a habit of forgetting everything you did for them and if you haven’t cultivated any other relationships then I can imagine resentment would set in. I know an adult man that told his Mum that if she got into a relationship he would come visit her anymore, how ludicrous.

It isn't sexist to care about your dd though. Your ex didn't give a thought for his family when he was shagging about so of course he isn't going to give a thought before he re married.

Not posh enough - crickey that's astounding.

I think friend would be happy even if they just called without an agenda.
When they do call its all about them.
She said it would be nice to have them call and just say Hi mum - how are you?

Im divorced and i have always seen it as the chance for me to ever move in with anyone else(which i pretty much never want to do) is when my youngest leaves full time education (before uni) so usually leaves 6th form.

The OP has been with her partner for 5 years. Not at all a stranger.
It's not about "male approval." That is a bit insulting really, to say that about mature, self-aware, self-sufficient women like the OP. It's about having a life together with someone who loves you, who will be another supportive adult for the children and also support you.
I hope OP and her partner take their needs into account, as well as the childrens' wants.
There are some very unrealistic expectations on here. All kinds of families can "go wrong," it depends on the individuals.
If your child cuts you off for cohabiting with a long term partner clearly there is something wrong there.

Of course it is sexist to ask women to make all the sacrifices for their children. But it isn't good for the children either. If you make them the centre of your world and allow them to dictate what happens in your home, even in your own love life, you will raise selfish and self-centered people who think the world revolves around them. Get a grip, people. Show some parental authority - no wonder there are so many young people with mental health issues, who leave home and then face hard lessons to learn about sharing, accommodation, compromise, and cooperation. No wonder there are so many "main character" psychos around.

If I were in your situation, OP, I would get the DDs to spend more time together and with the opposite parent. Get to know each other so that they feel comfortable slouching around in PJs when they are there. They should not think of it as losing space or privacy, but gaining a sister and another parent! How cool is that?

This.
It’s so depressing that here we are in 2025.