Until what age should children’s preference for living arrangements come first?

[whiteumbrella]

I often ponder this. DP & I have been in a relationship for 5yrs and both had 9yr olds when we met. We would love to move in together now, but both DC don’t want that and we want to keep things stable for exam years so will continue living apart. (They get on with respective partners, but like their own safe space) What is the magic age when we decide to move in together against our DC’s wishes? One DC is likely to live at home during uni and the other DC is in London so may be later to move out.

Thanks for all your replies. Both children are girls. Of course they wouldn’t be expected to share rooms at this age. My home wouldn’t change, it woukd just be DP moving in (& his DD coming over whenever she wishes/or sticking to usual plan of him spending weekends with her at his parents). Both DDs are very welcome to stay with us forever.

Cuts both ways tho.
No kids boyfriend/girlfriends staying overnight or for the weekend either its their mums home too and she doesn't need to accommodate their oh's into her safe space anymore than they need to accommodate hers.

Why?

There is zero harm in refraining from moving "partners" in, but there can be a great deal of harm in doing so. No one ever died waiting until their kids were grown to prioritize love life.

"just tough," eh?

"No-one would move in together if they let their kids dictate their life"

Which would be a positive thing, in the eyes of many of us.

Any age can be the right age, your house your rules. Don't give the kids the responsibility of the decision. What if the kids veto it forever and you never get the chance of a proper relationship? A PP said no-one died from it, but no-one knows how many healthy years they have left, sadly.
If everyone gets their own space, bathroom doors have locks, no-one wanders around nude, everyone is considerate to everyone else, where is the harm? People on here say you must pander to adult children and put your own life on hold, but your needs and wants are also valid and the kids need to see that.

Mumsnet is WILDLY puritanical about things. Plenty people on here who are single swear they’d never date while they have children at home. It’s bonkers.

Because children have limited understanding of the consequences of choices and limited emotional capacity for making those choices. You learn to swim in a paddling pool and then take baby steps with support from someone who can swim to help you if you get out of your depth. Giving children the weight of adult decisions does not make them stronger. Being allowed the time and space to grow up slowly does.

@Gingernessy

no! Offspring can bring boyfriends and girlfriends back to stay and even live. OP as their parent shouldn’t even have friends visit.

Why would your children be miserable and resent you if you chose to live with a partner and what sort of adult would a child trained to wield such a veto become?

Once they’ve finished their GCSE exams in year 11.

I think there’s quite a lot of harm in knowing your child stopped you living with the partner you loved, and a lot of harm knowing you stopped your parent from having the life they wanted.

I imagine a lot of the posters saying single parents have to wait until their kids have grown up and moved out are happily married and secure in the safety of knowing this will never be a choice they’ll have to make.

It’s smugness and judgemental wrapped up in ‘won’t somebody think of the children’ hysteria.

I'm surprised by the majority of responses on here. I've been solo with my DD since birth. She is now a teen, and i got married last year to an amazing man. We are currently living separately as he's got teens at home too, but we will be moving in together well before they all fly the nest. We're just trying to do it gradually and gently. The idea that i've got to parent alone from my daughter's birth to even 18 (let alone 20s), when i've got a loving partner who i can support and who can support me AND my DD, just feels like the priorities have gone too far in the wrong direction. I understand that people want to make sure kids don't feel pushed out, but i'm surprised that someone won't move in with a partner/spouse until they're pretty much retired, if the kids are still at home

The decent, responsible parent wouldn't present their child with that sort of dilemma in the first place.

Look,my position is, having bodged up once, in failing to create a stable home for their child, the parent doesn't get a second chance. Their job until the child or children are launched adults is to put the needs of the child first at all times. Their love life can wait until their young adults are responsibly raised and out of the house.

Forcing kids to live with mum's boyfriend or dad's girlfriend is grim.

When they can realistically get their own place, which is very unlikely to be at 18.

Nope. I'm a single parent and have been for a decade. I am perfectly happy to have my commited, long term relationship as a non cohabiting one. Nothing smug about it, I just need to know that I have total control over my kids living environment and I couldn't do that if another adult who is not their parent shared the space. I'm a perfectly self sufficient grown up. We get our time together, just not in a domestic setting.

I'd let them get through their gcse's and then do it. I would not be waiting for them to decide to move out at 25!

You'd be surprised by how many couples, even married ones, live in seperate houses.
You can make it work if you focus on the positives which are many.
I'd definitely say you don't move them til 18. After that they're fair game to kick out if they make a fuss.

18

I think the concept that Mum bodged up her marriage with Dad and must now live alone for decades is gross and frankly rooted in some very odd thinking. Children do not own their parents lives in the way you describe and can flourish regardless. You really aren’t doing them any favours by perpetuating the myth that Mum can only be with Dad as a couple and then must only have a boyfriend not a partner. Shocking thinking.

What is the rush if you don’t have children together? I think if they’re 14 not waiting till 18 seems kinder. If you lived nearby and they could stay at the same schools and communities then I’d say the summer after gcses but it doesn’t sound like you do.

I think 18 would be reasonable. They will be adults, they are able to vote with their feet if they feel strongly enough about it, no one is being forced to go along with anything.

What if you met the love of your life next week and your daughter wanted to stay in your house with no charge until she was 29????!

I suspeccccccct your post would be different! 😉 fine to spout it out when you’re single and there’s no one in the mix! 🫢

Well let’s break it down, your reply tells me you’re not with your DCs dad (broken home according to some - though I don’t believe in that term) or this conversation wouldn’t be happening. Or you are still with DC dad then you’re sitting from your ivory tower dictating what others do, even though you’re not experienced to it.

Many people try to meet someone to share their life with - totally understandable as we are social beings, though it doesn’t work out for many of us. Some do meet their true love and want to move in together but some don’t meet their person. Given that 1/4 women suffer DV at some point, it’s hardly surprising many women don’t experience “true love”, so of course they wouldn’t be encouraging moving in, but if they met the love of their life and someone who was amazing with them, they’d change their minds…

Point being, it’s easy to say what we would and wouldn’t do but don’t judge unless you’re in the situation!! So saying “I woudk wait until mine is 25” is easy to say when you have no offers…. I’d bet my house that if George Clooney promised you the earth you’d be away like a shot!!!! 18 and boom off you trot, no waiting until DC is 25 😂😂😂

Kids dictating is a positive thing?

Have you read the reasons ops son gave for not wanting her partner to move in? Wanting to walk around in his pants, using the toilet with the door open. Ridiculous reasons for being against it. They'd all have their own rooms too so what's the problem?