Until what age should children’s preference for living arrangements come first?

[whiteumbrella]

I often ponder this. DP & I have been in a relationship for 5yrs and both had 9yr olds when we met. We would love to move in together now, but both DC don’t want that and we want to keep things stable for exam years so will continue living apart. (They get on with respective partners, but like their own safe space) What is the magic age when we decide to move in together against our DC’s wishes? One DC is likely to live at home during uni and the other DC is in London so may be later to move out.

I think it's even more complicated that you have a DD and not a DS. I really don't think teenage girls should be forced to live with unrelated men they don't want to live with. My parents divorced when I was a teen and my mum met at new partner. He was fine and we did get along but once he moved in I stopped staying at her place, it was just too uncomfortable and it didn't feel like my home anymore. It was their home.

Just before you pass away according to MN 😂

Depends what you prioritise. Your children or yourself.

When they finish school. I have another friend with a similar issue. Her youngest is in upper sixth and they've told her that they're moving in together in Jan 2027. They have 6 children though between them ages 17,18,19,20,21 and 23.
So no chance of everyone having a room each!

Her mother died really young and she's very aware that you don't live forever.

Honestly if they're getting a room each and quality time with each parent alone I'd say 16. This also assumes same area for both and no moving out of area etc.

My thoughts here are new approaches at 6th form - college or staying at school. Then Uni and could be staying at home longer.

Everyone needs to be happy not just them but giving them notice about when its coming and why so its not a surprise us key. Then you can all talk about what you want that space to look like and why and how ... treating them like grown ups in that conversation.

None if this takes into account that the vast majority of people find it a financial struggle to be on their own and bringing up kids.

So I'm probably going to sound hypocritical, because I have personally chosen to not even date as I know it would unsettle my children, but I think if you've been together for several years and you are confident you have made a good choice, move him in now. Your children are going to be upset with it while they are still living at home whenever you do it, but that could be another 20 years before they move out. Allow plenty of time 1:1 with your individual children still and make sure they have their own safe spaces. Provide plenty of notice and lots of reassurance. Discuss the pros (presumably more money as another adult helping with bills, stability etc) Maybe even sit down all together and come up with some house rules.
Nobody is promised tomorrow, so don't hold off the things you want to do!

I can't believe what I am reading. My answer would be NOW. Children are flexible and adaptable; they will earn that what is best for their parent will be best for them. If you two want to live together now, do it now. If you have hesitations, put it off for another year. I would go by what you and your DP prefer, not the whims of kids, one of whom doesn't even live with you.

All the pandering to children's wishes is not doing them any favours. They do not understand or know what a blended family will look like and they might be pleasantly surprised. If it turns out to be a disaster, you can always rethink. Absolutely bonkers to put your lives on hold at the behest of a 9 year old.

The reason I asked is because my mum and sister think I’m putting too much importance on my DD’s wishes. She hates change though, even when sometimes she’s glad for the change after the fact.

I actually think you are wise,I get what your family are saying but you know your daughter best,

Im interested that none if the posters sneering at this and taking bets on what people would really do if they were in the OPs situation haven't responded to my posts. I'm in a decade long non cohabiting relationship with a partner, not boyfriend, who shares my life and plans for the future but we don't have to be together 24/7 and share a sock drawer for that to be true. I am not compromising or letting my kids dictate, I am making a choice in their best interests, which I think is priority one for a parent. It's not a sacrifice or martyrdom. He's not going anywhere and if he wasn't willing to wait he'd be the wrong guy. Once kids are 18 plus and at least semi autonomous we may look at it again.

Teenagers are so far from flexible and adaptable you can get. They are stubborn. I know that nobody can predict the future but if OPs teen DD says that she does not want to live with her mum's partner then chances are it's not going to suddenly be magical and lovely for her. Making sure you children have a comfortable home life is part of being a good parent, moving the partner in goes against that. Life is also not on hold just because you don't live together, there are plenty of couples who don't live together, their lives are not on hold. It's just a different variation of a relationship, one that many women who lives with men would be envious of having.

OP's daughter isn't a teen, she's 9. She's not old enough to understand the impact of what she is saying on her mum's health and happiness.

I basically agree with @NostalgiaWhore that a 9 year old shouldn't be dictating their parent's living style. But maybe OP and her partner could trial living together to give everybody a chance to experience it and iron out any difficulties?

No, she was 9 when they met. Now both kids are 14.

I’m so confused by this all- surely if you’ve been together for a long time and plan on staying together then why can’t he move in? Why does your dd get a say at this point? My stepdad moved in with my mum after about a year of dating and they’ve now been together over 30years. I had various friends at school who had blended families and I know blended families now where the stepdad has moved in and it’s not an issue and the teenagers get over it eventually!

Oh, my mistake. That does make a difference.

1st July when they finish GCSEs

Tell me more about this magical date of change?

It’s really hard isn’t it? It could all go horribly wrong and she could grow up completely resentful of you. But, if you’ve found a good man then it could be something she grows up to be grateful for, they might grow to love each other and she could have a step Dad that dotes on her. Lastly, what happens when he does move in when she’s left home? Will she feel awkward when she visits because she hasn’t gotten to know him that well? She may have children and then what? Will he just be known as your boyfriend even to future generations? There’s no right answer as far as I’m concerned but I do know you’re a human being that deserves happiness (although living with a man might not bring that) I can see why your family feel the way they do. I know I’m in the minority with that though.

I assume that he’s around the house anyway surely? Could it just be given more time? Could you really work on the relationship between them? Days out together etc so that she knows him very well? Then you might find she wants him around more. I don’t know, I feel sorry for you.

It’s just another stick to bash women with. We are so concerned with children’s mental health we’re petrified of getting it wrong. Our children can tell you every emotion they feel (quite right) but they’ve lost all emotional resilience. In my opinion (which is clearly not the norm reading the posts) blending a family with emotionally mature people who are kind and loving, as long as clear rules and boundaries are set is okay. Some of the women posting fur advice may have been single handedly parenting for years, cheated on, left in debt etc and they’re not allowed to move on, marry or blend a family until their kids are 21! It’s bonkers.

That is absolutely valid! I moved in with a stepparent at 13 and I hated sharing a house with a non family member.

Im all for moving on and living your own life, but there is merit in waiting until they have finished school. If your current situation means that you see each other often and get quality time together, then what’s 4 more years compared to the rest of your life?

Until? Well until they are 18

I thought they were 9? Nevertheless, even if they are teens, it is unfair to teens to say that they are inflexible or stubborn. I have two teen boys and they would accept any living arrangement that I suggested to them. They are both bright and well adjusted, they have large friendship circles, and a very close relationship with me. They know I love them unconditionally. But they also know that I have my own life separate to them and they would be glad for me, even if a bit put out for themselves, if I moved a man into the house. I have taught them that the world does not revolve around them and their demands, and tbf more kids need to be taught the same. Sorry MN - the women are not always the ones who must make the sacrifice!

I think the time he moved in is when your DD is ready. When I asked my teenager DD why she didn’t want my partner over on a Saturday morning, she said I just want to laze about the house in my pjs with no bra on. She was basically telling me she would feel uncomfortable having my partner over and also it’s the same with him living with us too. I’m in a similar position to you @whiteumbrella and at times I few frustrated. However I want my daughter to feel comfortable at home :( so I’ll wait till she’s 18 ( my oldest will be 24 by then).

I’m not disagreeing with providing a safe space for my DD & don’t have plans to move DP in yet, but…It is a bit sexist isn’t it? Fathers are allowed to cohabit and remarry because they are often the non resident parent. But the mother should stay single after divorce(in this case because the father was a cheat) until the child is an adult.