Until what age should children’s preference for living arrangements come first?

[whiteumbrella]

I often ponder this. DP & I have been in a relationship for 5yrs and both had 9yr olds when we met. We would love to move in together now, but both DC don’t want that and we want to keep things stable for exam years so will continue living apart. (They get on with respective partners, but like their own safe space) What is the magic age when we decide to move in together against our DC’s wishes? One DC is likely to live at home during uni and the other DC is in London so may be later to move out.

I would say after full time education. So after University, aged 21.

My DP has moved in with DD14's blessing but he and I would like to move to the coast. DD doesn't want to. We are going to wait until she is 18. She then has adult agency to move out or move with us. IT won't be on her 18th birthday or anything but that's my cut off.

I agree. You’ve got to laugh at some of the bonkers replies on here. Mid 20’s?!?! Christ plenty of women have their own babies at that age. If at 25 they don’t want their mother to move in with their partner even though they’ll have their own room then they need to get their own living arrangements sorted. Mid 20’s no wonder we have a generation who think the world owes them 😂

But its nice to also have a base. My parents divorced when I was 18. They knocked down my family home so that makes it easier as nothing to pine for.

DF bought a home with a bedroom for me if I needed while getting on my feet. He has had two partners, both of them always prioritised family, made me feel welcomed, DF always made it clear he wanted me to feel welcome, welcome anytime, just let us know etc. Partners also always encouraged DF to go on days out with me for DF/DD time. DF is retired now other side of country but he comes and visits on holidays.

Agreed. Mental!!!

Dsis waited until her DS went to uni at 18, then moved in with her partner of many years. She didn't sell her home.
When DN left uni he moved to London to live with them (around aged 21), then chose to move back into the family home where he still lives. That decision was more based on the fact he didn't like London. There are a lot of family local to him here, he has a great career, visits his DM regularly and she him. He has also saved enough to buy his own home (Northern prices) and is currently looking.
DSis plans to retire back here in a couple of years, so it has all worked out really well. She would never have moved a partner in, and he doesn't have DC.

Some people see childhood as a time scaffolded by the adults in their lives taking the weight of the big decisions.

when the youngest has gone to university, or that point if not (the September after they turn 18). Then they are almost certainly out of college and can leave home if they wish

I think some of these comments are ridiculous. If you all have a bedroom then I don't see a problem doing it now. Of course kids don't want things to change but that's just tough.
You gave your son's reasons as going to the toilet with the door open and walking around in his underwear as the reasons for your partner not moving in. Are you really going to put off moving in for those reasons?

Yous have been together for yours, why wait many more yours. Just do it. No-one would move in together if they let their kids dictate their life

That should be years not yours

I would live separately until all members of the potential household think living separately is getting ridiculous. Otherwise, wait until everyone has entered the workforce and has the option of moving out if they are unhappy.

This. 👍

Bonkers totally bonkers 🤣

You've been together for 5 years, that is a stable long term relationship. I can see no reason why you could not now live together, especially if each child gets their own bedroom.

Hi would say 18 is reasonable to move another into your home or you both to move into your partners.
If you are going to do it before then I would suggest to sell both houses and buy a new one between you all.

Crikey, this is your choice but that is quite extreme.

There's not enough info here.

How many kids of either sex do you each have and is there enough space for each to have their own room or only share with same sex sibling?

Would this mean a change in town or school for any kid?

How do they all get on with each other and what % of the time is each set of kids with you - and of that crossover time?

How do you get on with stepkids?

What does your partner think? etc

I think you are really underestimating how hugely damaging it can be to make a child live with a new partner, when they don’t want to.

I agree. 5 years is a long standing, committed relationship and, as long as you have a house big enough for you all to have your own space, I'd go for it. Especially if both children spend time at their other parent's house anyway.

Yes, this.

I think this is reasonable but it all depends really on what the OPs kid is doing at 18 & what they are like personality wise. My DD is at uni and loves to come home in the holidays (she's back beginning of December for a month) and really chill and spend time with us as shes more of an introvert with few local friends. My DS, on the other hand, (he's about to turn 18) is rarely home and always at the gym/job/6th form/with friends so I doubt he'd care all that much as long as no one touched his bedroom and he liked the DP in question. Home is still there safe space (for most young adults) and my DD hates change. Having said that kids may well live at home for years these days and OP deserves a personal life too. I've barely seen my DS since he turned 17 so I'm already getting used to a life without kids around. I have my DH so I'm not alone but im already starting to feel like an empty nester to some extent. It's probably very hard to find the right balance/the right time tbh.

I would encourage them to stop that anyway! Especially the toilet door. Ugh!

They have 14 year olds.

OP I have been in a very similar position and waited until both my DC were Uni age so 18. Beyond that I do not think you should be expected to put your life on hold for any longer.

18 is completely reasonable, but talk to them about it, don’t spring it on them. Talk about how it will work, what your expectations will be for everyone, and keep the conversation going after he’s moved in as well.

My mother moved her ‘partner’ in when I was a teenager, I left and moved in with my partners parents at nearly 16. I think it depends on the situation but I wouldn’t consider making such a huge decision unless everyone was 100% on board.