Until what age should children’s preference for living arrangements come first?

[whiteumbrella]

I often ponder this. DP & I have been in a relationship for 5yrs and both had 9yr olds when we met. We would love to move in together now, but both DC don’t want that and we want to keep things stable for exam years so will continue living apart. (They get on with respective partners, but like their own safe space) What is the magic age when we decide to move in together against our DC’s wishes? One DC is likely to live at home during uni and the other DC is in London so may be later to move out.

.I would wait until they left school, they don't get to "decide" then but for now I would keep.it as is.

That seems totally fair, even if they are still at home you are your partner are entitled to a bit of a life.

My youngest is 25 next month and has just finished uni and got his first full time job and is saving hard for a house of his own. He’s always worked part time since turning 18 and done college and uni alongside this. He pays me some rent and saves hard so he’s welcome to stay as long as it takes to save a deposit afaic. I’m single but I wouldn’t kick him out to move a partner in.

Is a halfway solution at 18 feasible? Keep both houses and the two of you move backwards and forwards between them with the kids remaining where they are?

I think when they move out. You don't want to risk damaging your relationship with them.

18 is perfectly fair OP. You need a life too and you've been very responsible. They are adults at this point, you aren't asking them to leave.

Well said.

I'd say 18 is 18

At 18 they'll most likely still be studying, having a part time job, out with friends.... home life will be a very small fraction of their life at that point

They may be legally adults but emotionally and practically they are dependent teens. Moving a man in when a teen lacks the agency, independence and money to escape the situation is … not admirable.

For us, it’s when they can actually afford to move out. We’re fortunate that 3 out of 4 have managed that, with two now having mortgages & two renting (one in FE). We wouldn’t dream of making them homeless!!

Would moving in together mean a change of school for any of the kids? Happy kids won’t want to move schools because of their friends.

I think that it’s fine once they’ve finished school at 16/18. At that point, they can finance moving out and realise that your partner isn’t so bad when they see the cost. They may also want their bf/gf to come round so will agree to suck up their presence if you do.

My son loved walking around in pants but he’s in secondary so I expect him to put some shorts or trousers on. (Topless is fine) He’s 19 and if I wanted to move someone in I would expect him to suck it up but I would do it in a way that had minimal changes to his life

I wouldn’t allow that in my home in any case. There is no reason why you can’t say that toilet doors need to be closed.

In rl I’ve never known anyone wait until their kids have grown up, most people would have moved in together by now 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like infantilization to me which hinders maturity. Adults (18+) have to realise the world doesn't revolve around them, including their parents' lives. Doesn't mean their parents don't care or love them, it's preparing them properly for adulthood.

I think 18 is reasonable. They cant dictate forever where you live and who with forever, especially if they aren't even paying for it

I would never make my DC move out! As it stands I said DP would likely move in when they start uni and they seem fine with that. They would have known each other 9 years by that point! Interesting to see the majority feel I should wait until they’re earning. Which means everyone who ever had a step child under 21 were wrong to do so.

Edited because I completely misread ages sorry. I agree with others, I think 18 is reasonable.

19 might be better than 18 so they can settle at uni. But if one of them will barely be there anyway it is less of an issue. And as for the walking round in their pants and not closing the loo door, bleurgh! Nobody is ever going to want to live with them. By the time they’re 18 you will have been together seven years and it’s natural thst you might move in together at that point. If they really hated it they could live in other accommodation for the term time and just spend a few weeks with you.

Mumsnet isnt a good place to ask this question, I’m surprised you haven’t been slated for daring to date before they’ve reached 18 like I was 🤣 never mind moving someone in!

His kids’ primary home is their mums and they live so little at their dad’s that their opinion shouldn’t matter. How much time does your son spend with you? If it’s longer you need to put more weight on his opinion.

Some people see their children’s happiness as of equal importance to their own.

More harm caused by making the child live with someone they don’t want to, than the parent not living with a partner.

It’s a tough one as it seems young people expect to stay at home forever nowadays.

I’d say at the end of the academic year when they turn 18, but that sort of relies on them going to uni and moving out.

Personally I think it’s easier for stepparents of younger children, say under 8 or 9. Puberty is a hard enough time.

One of my friends married her long term partner last year. They’d been together for 12 years but maintained separate homes as they had five children between them and not all of them got on particularly well.

By the time they moved in together, the oldest two were in their 20’s and had moved out; middle two were at uni and had their own lives (also could spend time with their other parents if they wished) and the youngest was 15 and fine with the situation- my friend had been in his life since he was 3 and he’s v. comfortable with her.

As you both have nine-year-olds, I’d wait a few hole as you’ve got the teen years ahead of you!

But not while they're in the middle of their A-levels.