Until what age should children’s preference for living arrangements come first?

[whiteumbrella]

I often ponder this. DP & I have been in a relationship for 5yrs and both had 9yr olds when we met. We would love to move in together now, but both DC don’t want that and we want to keep things stable for exam years so will continue living apart. (They get on with respective partners, but like their own safe space) What is the magic age when we decide to move in together against our DC’s wishes? One DC is likely to live at home during uni and the other DC is in London so may be later to move out.

@Burford - the children were 9 when their parents met 5 years ago, so are now 14 and coming up for the worst few years of teenage rebellion, unless the OP is very lucky.

@whiteumbrella - I’d go with 18, or whenever they leave school and start living their own lives, hopefully, whether in further education or travelling or starting a career.

I wouldnt let children dictate my whole future in that way. Especially if I wanted more children. I'd ask them how they can be happiest with the new living arrangements. Might have to ensure they have their very own rooms etc, but they can't tell you no, you're not doing that. You wouldn't allow them that control with two bio parents in the house so why would you allow them that with one?

I'd say the answer is really "when they're OK with it". Which is likely to be when they've moved out, or have matured enough to be comfortable with the situation.

I think 18 is likely too young. I'd think early-mid 20s more likely.

Because they might choose to live permanently with the other parent rather than participate in Mangled Family Dysfunction or, if the other parent won't have them full time, just move out with anyone that will have them. That leaves them open to abuse and exploitation.

Why would it be mangled family dysfunction? Is that the type of relationships you have, then?

Personally I choose solid, decent partners with compatible outlooks on life, love and friendships.

Seriously?

They're 14 and not shutting the bathroom door when the use it? And walking around the house in their underwear?

You realize that's going to limit their potential romantic partner choice considerably?

😯

Because when the kids don't like their new stepparent or the other kid that comes along, they tend to go dysfunctional and that sets the whole family dynamic.

There's a kid here who sees their dad less than a third of the time because distance. How are they going to feel that their dad is living full time with someone else's kid? You don't think resentment is going to build?

I've only seen a couple of successfully blended families but I sure have seen a bunch of mangled ones and sometimes very seriously.

Thats on their mum and/or dad for not setting things up better. Personally id take less CMS to keep the kid's dad local and in a property he can have them stay properly. Some people just want the ex to be as broke as possible even if it means they cannot parent efficiently.

The “other parent” by the way is my exH who remarried 18months after we separated. So DC has been going to their’s every other w/end since they were 6.

And thats the thing. People, including kids, can be so sexistly insistent that mothers should not have a life after marriage. Meanwhile they are fine with their dad having a new gf every week. Dont let them do it to you.

Because divorce frequently fucks up children and attempts at blending families even more so. Too many parents do what they want to in this regard and expect their children to just get on with it.

I think if you had two biological parents in the house, and you were trying to move someone in who was going to make your child miserable - you’d probably listen to them in that situation to.

I mean - look how many threads there are of parents wanting to protect their children against toxic grandparents etc. It’s not just single parents being expected to accommodate their children’s needs in this respect.

I think people saying 'Until they move out' are being a bit unrealistic, given that one of them's likely to live at home throughout university.

I would say the time to consider it would be after they've done their A-levels. They'll be adults at that point and of an age where they'd be expected to be capable of sharing a home with other adults while maintaining independence from them. It would be certainly be essential that they had decent-sized bedrooms with plenty of space for having friends/boyfriends/girlfriends over, studying, chilling out etc, though. I wouldn't expect to cram 18-year-olds into two single-bed box rooms. They'll need a reasonable space to call their own so they don't have to spend time hanging out with their step-sibling/parent's partner when they don't want to.

How would you feel if you were forced to live with someone, when you didn’t want to live with them?

To be fair, that's the default situation for a child. It's not like they get to choose whether they live with their biological siblings, is it? I'd never have chosen to live with my sister when I was a kid!

Just because the other parent did it doesn't mean it's ok.

But you can see how the kids involved feel when they get older and have more going on outside the home. They'll be pulling away soon enough.

Your own sister is rather different to your mother’s boyfriend…! She’s part of your own family, and was part of it all along.

A new boyfriend is not. How many adult men did your parents move into your house when you were a child?

The problem with trying to set an age where you should just go "tough this is what I am doing, like it or lump it" to your teen child is that they will just vote with their feet. They will either stop staying with you or if they have no other option it will negatively affect your connection and that can last a loooong time. I personally don't think any man is worth that so I have chosen to wait to seriously date anyone until mine are fully grown and has properly moved out (ie not in uni dorms etc.). They are now late teens/early 20s so I could meet someone if I wanted to, I just don't at the moment.

Just remember uni funding is based on household income so that would be taken into account when your DC applies for funding .

When they can choose to move out if they want, but I may be biased by my mum moving my stepdad who was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to both her and me in when I was a young teen. Unsurprisingly, I left home as soon as I could and barely saw my mum until they split up (I do now understand leaving isn't as easy as it sounds).

18. At that point they will go to uni, or choose to move out.

You say one is in London/wont travel often- what distance are we talking?

Bit different demanding your own father is kicked out of his home, to not wanting your mum to move her new boyfriend in..!

Some of these replies are crazy ott and clearly from extremely narrow view points.

Op, we're similar - were planning to once GCSEs are done. All kids know. We'll have been together by 9 years at that point!

We've also talked about the benefits, eg bigger house, and have said they're the most important thing and we have chosen this so as to not disrupt their lives when young and at school, that I love our family as it stands, but I'm also excited to get to share life with DP in the future.

But this isn't about kicking a family member who lives in the house out.

This is about moving an unrelated male in to their safe home.

If you choose solid decent partners I am not sure why you are contributing to this thread as you clearly wouldn't have any experience of family breakdown and/or blended families.