Please help, not sure what to do (Trigger warning SA)

[Pinkpolkadress]

I recently found out that one of my dc (older teen) did something untoward to another of my dc (preteen). This happened three years ago and the dc who did it to their younger sibling does not know that I know.
My child it happened to has asked me not to tell their dad, or to mention it to older dc.
How do I proceed with this? It’s eating me up inside and I’m finding it difficult to think of anything else.
I instinctively feel I need to tell dh, but I know it will blow his world apart.
The child it happened to is fine with the older sibling and has told me they don’t really think about it (but I know they must do otherwise they wouldn’t have told me). We went out last night and they chose to eg. link arms with older sibling, but there is an undercurrent between them - it has been there a long time and now it makes sense. Older dc baits younger dc and it seems like there is a lot of resentment towards younger dc. I guess that could be guilt?
Apparently it only happened once. We have been on a fair few holidays/trips since then, and away to other places where younger dc has chosen to share a room with older dc.
I feel like I should be keeping them apart, but then I am new to this situation whereas younger dc has had years to sit with it. It is so hard to get my head around.
I would really appreciate some advice please. Younger dc has also recently mentioned what happened to two of their school friends, so it feels like an unexploded bomb at the moment.
I have been giving younger dc a lot of cuddles and support, and they said they are okay, but obviously they are young and unaware of the effect this incident might have on them going forward. I would also really appreciate advice on how to best give support in this situation.
As for older dc I am in shock. They are kind, lovely, one of their friends’ trustworthy and steadfast buddies. I just cannot understand that it happened - I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. Younger dc said older dc did not force them to do anything, they asked and younger dc said yes but felt uncomfortable.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, and for your children, I can imagine it must be a really difficult situation to even try to navigate.

For me, age dependent, this is something I think you really do have to take seriously- especially as younger DC has told others, it could well only be a matter of time before something is mentioned to the school and then you don’t want to be trying to play catch up, explain to your husband that you knew and said nothing etc. As you say the way younger DC feels now is not the way they will always feel, as the adult you have to safeguard here.

As a first step I would speak to your husband, you need to be on the same page here and come up with a plan.

One of your children did something sexual to one of your other children?

You instinctively need to call the police for fuck sake.

Blow his world apart.....ah the poor pet, let's protect him.

From someone who was sexually assaulted by their brother you need to really step up here op.

Regardless of ages, regardless of them, being your child, they did what they did and they need to be punished for it.

My brother is a pedo. I was just on hand growing up.

Perhaps yours is too.

Sorry OP I know this is very hard to come to terms with but you need to deal with it. You must tell your DH. Your younger DC might not show signs of distress or discomfort with their sibling but that doesn't mean damage was not done or that it will all go away.

I think you need some advice. Maybe from social services? Plus as @Jellybunny56 says if school find out they have a duty to inform police etc and things will get very serious very quickly. Your child told you and you must take steps to protect them.

As you have said your younger DC is probably not ok with this and still obviously processing it. I am sure there must be support lines out there for this - obviously childline is a number that children can call. I think you need to tell your DH now and get going on this - it will come to the school’s attention if your DC is telling their friends.

Lucy Faithfull have an advice line. They specialise in sexual abuse and I’m presuming this is the issue. I think they would be a good starting point to talk it through with.

Younger dc’s legs were touched by older dc’s private parts. Older dc did not touch anywhere else.

Your H needs to be told what has happened.

I would contact the NSPCC re this matter as they should be able to advise you further. You need to speak out because abuse of any kind thrives on secrecy.

OP as others have said, you must take this extremely seriously - it can't be swept under the carpet - your first step is to tell your husband. It would not be fair to keep him in the dark about something so serious.

Your younger child has told friends recently, this could very likely result in a report to the school and they will be duty bound to involve the police and social services. If I were you, I would speak to NSPCC for advice as to where you go from here. You have to do this now, today, and start the process of dealing with the situation. As hard as it is, speaking out about SA is important - these things thrive in the darkness of secrecy and shame. Reassure your younger child that they have done the right thing telling you and that you will protect them. Your older child needs to face the consequences of their actions and understand how serious and damaging their actions were.

OK

Don't blow this out of proportion. You're unnecessary catastrophising this. The police don't need to know. The school doesn't need to know. Step back and take a balanced view of this. What genders are we talking about?

Older boy, younger girl.

That is simply bollocks.

It sounded a lot more serious than that from your OP.

I still think you should tell your DH. You could offer DD the chance to talk to someone about it maybe?

I don't know but I guess it probably isn't serious enough for school to have a duty to inform police etc.

I would try and establish what the motive or context was.
If it was a stupid game or if it was part of something more sinister or a power imbalance.

I think that I would definitely want advice on it, but id be wary about making a big deal about something that hasnt traumatised them - to them.
I mean i think that sometimes trauma can be made worse by peoples reactions around it.

I think that it would be worth speaking to your younger child and try and establish some more facts.
I hope someone can give you better advice

Ah OK, that context helps a lot.

I'm going to make up a scenario here for illustration. If a 17 year old boy were to (sorry for the TMI) essentially rub himself against his 11 year old sisters legs, for the purposes of, well, you know. Then that is something which needs to be addressed, but in a clam manner. I realise it's an emotive subject, but step back for a minute.

Have there been any other concerns with other relatives. Arw you 💯 percent sure your younger child is telling you the whole truth?

Could there be more that she hasn't said?

Your DH needs to know. Absolutely he does. What you've described, if my understanding of the incident is correct, is far more serious than some kids messing about.

I suspect the incident was a one off, a serious one granted, but likely not repeated. I'm not sure what involving the police would achieve at this stage. Please get proper professional advice. Maybe start with the NSPCC.

Good luck.

It really isn't.

How old were the children when it happened?

What ages were they when it happened?
ETA sorry, cross post.

“older dc did not force them to do anything, they asked and younger dc said yes but felt uncomfortable”

OP, I understand you are in shock at the moment but please don’t minimise this. Your younger child was abused. It doesn’t matter if the older child asked, or the younger child agreed - they cannot consent to anything sexual, they are a child. Similarly, it doesn’t matter that they currently get on and spend time together. Plenty of abused children grow up having a relationship with the person who abused them.

You must tell your partner what’s happened, you must speak to child line or a similar organisation for advice - a poster above mentioned another.

Your younger child may not be outwardly displaying signs of distress but the damage is there. They’ve mentioned it to you and to some friends, it’s festering. They won’t realise themselves how this will affect them yet. They may hit puberty and spiral with confusing feelings. They may struggle to form healthy relationships as they grow older, they may have trust issues as the people close to them couldn’t be trusted. All of this needs to be processed professionally. Counselling as a minimum.

The older child also needs intervention. Despite what another poster says, it’s absolutely not normal for siblings to have sexual interactions. One incident a couple of years ago in isolation is unlikely to be a one off. They may have experienced some abuse themselves which led to this. They may have already behaved similarly to others as well as their sibling. They may go on to escalate the behaviour.

It all needs to come out - first step is speak to your partner.

14/15 and around 8 I guess. Dd isn’t sure but said around three years ago.

I read your original post that I assume has now been pulled. You ABSOLUTELY need to speak to NSPCC and take their advice. Especially as the older dc wanted to do it again and circumstances were as you previously detailed. Also whilst your child (younger) says they don't think about it, they do and as they get older they may feel differently if you don't take any action.

I didn't say anything about sexual interactions 🙄

It really is.

It's sexual assault, not experimenting.

No it isn't. How the fuck is two young boys boys waving their bits around during bath time considered sexual assault!

🙄

@Chiseltip That isn’t what happened in this case, very far from it. You seem to be enjoying picking apart everyone else’s comments when they are trying to help the OP, it’s not constructive.