Please help, not sure what to do (Trigger warning SA)

[Pinkpolkadress]

I recently found out that one of my dc (older teen) did something untoward to another of my dc (preteen). This happened three years ago and the dc who did it to their younger sibling does not know that I know.
My child it happened to has asked me not to tell their dad, or to mention it to older dc.
How do I proceed with this? It’s eating me up inside and I’m finding it difficult to think of anything else.
I instinctively feel I need to tell dh, but I know it will blow his world apart.
The child it happened to is fine with the older sibling and has told me they don’t really think about it (but I know they must do otherwise they wouldn’t have told me). We went out last night and they chose to eg. link arms with older sibling, but there is an undercurrent between them - it has been there a long time and now it makes sense. Older dc baits younger dc and it seems like there is a lot of resentment towards younger dc. I guess that could be guilt?
Apparently it only happened once. We have been on a fair few holidays/trips since then, and away to other places where younger dc has chosen to share a room with older dc.
I feel like I should be keeping them apart, but then I am new to this situation whereas younger dc has had years to sit with it. It is so hard to get my head around.
I would really appreciate some advice please. Younger dc has also recently mentioned what happened to two of their school friends, so it feels like an unexploded bomb at the moment.
I have been giving younger dc a lot of cuddles and support, and they said they are okay, but obviously they are young and unaware of the effect this incident might have on them going forward. I would also really appreciate advice on how to best give support in this situation.
As for older dc I am in shock. They are kind, lovely, one of their friends’ trustworthy and steadfast buddies. I just cannot understand that it happened - I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. Younger dc said older dc did not force them to do anything, they asked and younger dc said yes but felt uncomfortable.

She’s telling you because she wants you to stop it happening again. It clearly has happened more than once.

OP good advice already given re calling Lucy Faithful Foundation

I work in this area. Please don’t catastrophise or minimise.

tell you husband

call social work

external agencies will speak to both children to establish the facts. This might take a few days as both will likely be deemed safe in your care with enhanced supervision.

social work will advise re a safety plan

once the facts are known the right response can be put in place

OP, this must be a huge shock for you and difficult for you to feel clear headed about what to do next.
You have had some excellent advice, some not so good and some speculative and unkind comments.
I think you need to know what has happened and how to protect your daughter and yes, help your son. The best thing to do is to get expert advice. Call the helplines already mentioned before talking further with your DD. They will help you work out what is best to do next. At the moment, you are probably experiencing a lot of fear about what has happened and what could happen and the impact on your family as a whole and to your children. Best way to manage that is to work with professional advice to find out the facts and how to move forward.
I really feel for you and your family, especially your DD.

Gosh OP I am so sorry you are going through this. From one mum to another I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I really feel for you. I can’t offer advice here that hasn’t already been given. What a brave girl you have. I will say you and DH need to be on the same page. It may well get heated but try to keep that out of earshot from DD and present a united front. You have her back. You can tell DS that you love him but your priority is that you need to keep them both safe. DS needs to understand the consequences of his actions to prevent this type of behaviour escalating. You DD needs to know she has been heard and believed. I do feel she has maybe just told you a snippet to gauge your reaction and there could well be more she isn’t telling you. She needs to be interviewed by professionals. And you will all needs therapy. What a living nightmare for you and DD :(. Sending virtual hugs and lots of strength.

You need to report your son to the police today. He knew what he was doing. Don’t confront him or tell him about the police. This might not be your intention, but your posts suggest that you’re more worried about your husband and son’s feelings and the family event in a few days time than your daughter’s feelings.

Well it wasn't bloody normal in my family, and there were 5 of us kids. Don't make such sweeping generalisations and attempt to normalise sibling SA. It's not normal, at all.

You should act immediately.

It's not just happened the once.
💐

She is more concerned about her husband than her daughter.

Wish you the best in telling your husband OP. He is going to have an emotional reaction first and might need a few hours or days before he can talk about the plan going forward. You are ahead of him on processing this.

I think your husband needs to understand that he cannot show that he knows to your daughter, until you let your daughter know. Perhaps I missed this. But you don't want your daughter to feel betrayed by you and that she cannot come to you with things. Together with your husband you need to plan how to ask her for permission to tell her Dad or tell her that you need to tell.

I'd definitely speak to a helpline for support and look for some therapists with knowledge. It's not great news to have, but I think people are over-reacting here. Siblings will mess around a little. It doesn't make this okay, but mistakes happen in life. I think you will need to try make sure your daughter feels safe talking to you in future, understands she did the right thing telling you and feels safe around her brother & generally. I think you will need to try (with out judgement or anger) talk to your son about this incident. I think you will need professional support for the conversation. Gently asking him about it will let you have a conversation about why it happened (for him to explain, really avoid leading him anywere and be comfortable with long silences) and for the talk about why it should not have happened and what's appropriate age-wise and what consent really is (not a yes, but enthusiastic and willing agreement from someone old enough, conscience and not in a power imbalance).

This is not my intention at all. I would have thought it should be clear from my posts that she is the absolute priority.

No she isn't, that's not the way I am reading it.

You have made that clear in my opinion. It's obvious you are a mother in shock trying to do the right thing and I'm certain you will xx

time is weird for a girl her age it could have been less thwan 3 years or more even

you need to talk to dh and your son who i assume is an adult now

My brother once got his penis out and plonked it on the pool table as we were playing pool together in the garage. I must have been about ten at the time but I still have that image 35 years later.

This is the best advice, thus far op

You are being way too passive.

This is not a reflection on you or your husband.

You are naval gazing when you should have already sprung into action.

A bunch of strangers have had to tell you what to do.

Mind boggling.

What!!! Ops posts absolutely do not come across that way. She is a very upset mother trying to navigate a horrendous situation.
Off you pop

OP what a shock to get. I didn't want to read and run because this reminded me of an event from my childhood. Without overly sharing details, similar age gap, though both younger age profile at the time. No molestation, but inappropriate comment and touch. This has been something I've felt uncomfortable about as an adult because of how it was handled by my DP, and that really resurfaced when I had my own DC. I thought it might be helpful to you to share what I wish the response had been.

I wish that it was treated seriously. I don't mean punitively, just that it was acknowledged this is not ok. Dismissing it, not discussing it, or minimising in any way is harmful to a young child. Even if the event isn't something you yourself seem as severe, it can shape how your DD will view and place boundaries throughout her life. I wish this response was immediate. My wellbeing mattered more than their need to process or find the right time.

I wish that I had received therapy. Your DC may say they're fine, or have a close relationship with her brother still - it doesn't mean an impartial therapist wouldn't be beneficial. Regardless of the timeline. I am 3 decades on, and only just came to true acceptance. Therapy would have helped achieve this earlier.

I wish my family member had received therapy as well, to help them.

I wish my family member had been clearly told this behaviour was not ok. Regardless of the chance of reoffending being low (and it didn't happen), I wish as an adult measures had been put in place to prevent this being a possibility. Open door policy, no time alone, etc. I do not trust my DM with my DC as a result of them not implementing this.

I wish as an adult that we had had open conversations about consent and boundaries after this fact.

I also wish I knew what my family members motivation had been. I don't think it was sexual in nature, and often isn't with child on child occurrences. I worry that they were exposed to something they shouldn't have been.

I wish I could talk to my parents about this, but know I can't without it being seen as accusing my family member of being a paedo - something I truly don't think they are. I wish there was open discourse.

I hope this helps, but it is clear you care about both your children. This is heartbreakingly common, and you will be able to move forward as long as you don't minimise it.

You clearly have a great relationship with your daughter and I’m so impressed she told you. I didn’t. Honestly, it be never even occurred to me I could. And it has impacted my life enormously. I just no longer speak to the abuser; my family has no idea why, so I’m the ‘difficult one’. I know you’re taking it seriously and I wish you all well. She did the right (and brave) thing, and now so can you.

Yeah, its sooo easy to say how you would deal with a situation, if you've never experienced it, eh.
Off you pop as well

OP, I'm sorry but I suspect there is way more to this story than a penis touching a leg once three years ago. You must talk to some professionals asap to get your daughter the help she needs - the help she is actually asking for - and the help she needs to tell you the full story. Your ds needs help too - if he is off at uni now he was a gsce student when this happened and he targeted his 8 year old sister. This wasn't a 6 year old and a 7 year old playing doctors. Everything about this is very very wrong.

I have two close friends abused by older brothers. It is quite common (and no its not all sibling high jinks as a previous poster seems to think - it is abuse that has terrible consequences for the victims). In both cases they say that their fathers couldn't be told because they "couldn't have coped." Don't make that mistake.

💯 agree.
You cannot put the onus on your daughter. She is the victim here.
Her brother has sexually assaulted her.
I appreciate this is a shit situation but you need to safeguard your daughter.
She has trusted you completely to tell you even after some years have passed. You cannot let her down now, if you do she will feel unable to discuss anything sensitive in the future. Don't let this be her experience of putting her trust in you.
You need to begin with telling your husband, son and the necessary authorities.

Myself and several others have commented on it.

She is.

It’s a hardly a mistake?!? A therapist would 100% report this to the police because it is sexual abuse, it’s that black and white.