Please help, not sure what to do (Trigger warning SA)

[Pinkpolkadress]

I recently found out that one of my dc (older teen) did something untoward to another of my dc (preteen). This happened three years ago and the dc who did it to their younger sibling does not know that I know.
My child it happened to has asked me not to tell their dad, or to mention it to older dc.
How do I proceed with this? It’s eating me up inside and I’m finding it difficult to think of anything else.
I instinctively feel I need to tell dh, but I know it will blow his world apart.
The child it happened to is fine with the older sibling and has told me they don’t really think about it (but I know they must do otherwise they wouldn’t have told me). We went out last night and they chose to eg. link arms with older sibling, but there is an undercurrent between them - it has been there a long time and now it makes sense. Older dc baits younger dc and it seems like there is a lot of resentment towards younger dc. I guess that could be guilt?
Apparently it only happened once. We have been on a fair few holidays/trips since then, and away to other places where younger dc has chosen to share a room with older dc.
I feel like I should be keeping them apart, but then I am new to this situation whereas younger dc has had years to sit with it. It is so hard to get my head around.
I would really appreciate some advice please. Younger dc has also recently mentioned what happened to two of their school friends, so it feels like an unexploded bomb at the moment.
I have been giving younger dc a lot of cuddles and support, and they said they are okay, but obviously they are young and unaware of the effect this incident might have on them going forward. I would also really appreciate advice on how to best give support in this situation.
As for older dc I am in shock. They are kind, lovely, one of their friends’ trustworthy and steadfast buddies. I just cannot understand that it happened - I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. Younger dc said older dc did not force them to do anything, they asked and younger dc said yes but felt uncomfortable.

This worries me as well. I don’t know what he might have been exposed to, but I do know that he needs help. He will get it. I just want to get things in place before we talk to him.

She didn’t want you to bring him back to her home! Did you just go and collect him and then all skip out for a family dinner, welcome home from uni Son?! Now everyone is presumably excitedly planning the family weekend?

You need to put that right. She expected you to act and you just said get in the car, let’s collect him from the station 😔

You need professional advice asap.

Oh Jesus....

Still don't agree.

You mentioned your son's MH has not been great. Is that recently. Anxiety leaving home and going to UNI, school, exams , pressure etc so maybe been going on longer than recently.

I am so sorry that you went through this.
Thank you for taking the time to tell me what you wish had been done differently, I have taken it in and will act accordingly.
As soon as dd told me I thanked her for telling me and gave her a big cuddle. I told her that I was so sorry it had happened, I just hope she realises how seriously I am taking it.
I’ll definitely be organising counselling sessions for her, I cannot allow what has happened to do any more damage to her than it already has.

That sounds incredibly tough, and it’s completely understandable that you’re struggling with what to do. This isn’t something you should try to handle on your own - it really needs some professional advice and support for everyone involved.

Here’s what you can do:

• Talk to professionals as soon as you can - Contact your local council’s children’s services or the NSPCC helpline. You can explain exactly what’s happened and ask what steps to take next. They’ll listen and help you figure out the safest way forward for both children.
• Don’t try to manage this alone - Even if your younger child seems okay, they may not fully understand what happened or how it could affect them later. Professionals can make sure both kids get the right kind of support.

Telling your partner is probably something that will need to happen, but it’s best to get guidance first on how and when to do that. That way it doesn’t make things harder for either child.

For your younger child:

• Keep reassuring them that you believe them and that they’re not in trouble.
• Let them talk at their own pace and make sure they know you’re always there to listen.
• Ask about counselling or specialist support, there are charities like Barnardo’s or local child services who can arrange that.

For your older child:

• They’ll also need help to understand why this happened and to make sure it doesn’t happen again. There are teams within children’s services who deal with “harmful sexual behaviour” and can offer therapy or support.
• Look after yourself, this is a lot to carry. Talking to someone like Family Lives or even your GP, can help you get some support for yourself too.

You’ve done the right thing by taking this seriously and looking for advice. It’s a horrible position to be in, but getting professional help now is the best way to protect both your children and to start moving forward.

This exactly. You say you’re prioritising your DD but you are giving the impression of business as usual and talking about not disturbing your family event this weekend. That is not prioritising her and it is not showing her that you’ve listened, taken her seriously, and condemn this behaviour. You seem more interested in protecting your DS.

I disagree with PP and I think a police report might be the correct thing. DS doesn’t need coddling he needs consequences before more little girls get hurt. Worried he saw something online? I would be worried he’s himself searching for other CSA material.

You told her you are sorry it happened but have you been clear on how criminally wrong it was? Have you been clear that your DS was absolutely wrong on all levels and he should and will receive punishment for it? That anyone who forces themselves on her is wrong and that her personal autonomy and safety is the very least she should expect - most of all in her own home??

It can’t be lost on you that she confessed what happened right before her brother returned home. You can’t just say “sorry this happened” she needs to hear “that was an unacceptable thing that he did and however you feel it’s okay” !

You do need to get some help. He was old enough to definitely understand it was very wrong . Ignore it now and you have no idea what they may do in the future.
A girl in my year at school her brother used to go in to her room at night and assault her. Her parents didnt want the shame of it coming out even though he was older then his sister. So they did nothing.
He is such a weird adult and should be in prison and she has never left home or had a relationship. She never got over it.
How do you even know that more instances have not happened ? Especially as it took 3 years for it to be brought up.
Tell your dh atleast!

???

“15 year old rubs his genitals on his 8 year old sister. Nothing to see here, move along.”

Give your head a wobble Jfc.

As well as individual counselling for the kids and family counselling, you should also consider individual counselling for yourself and your husband. Your life and family as you knew it has changed irreparably and things will never be the same again. You’ll need help accepting this.

Op I hope for your daughter's sake that you get professionals involved, also just because she told her friends months ago does not mean that they won't say anything at any point and if it does come out and professionals find out that you knew you could be at risk of losing your daughter.

Is your son at home at the minute still for the weekend event. I would not tell him you know this alone or with DH. I would do it with a professional there ie the doctor there, a counsellor, a professional of some sort around this kind of thing. This is very serious for him and if he has had MH problems recently ......

And rightly so. As things stand OP is allowing her DD to stay in the same home as a man who abused her. Expectation: happy families. She is refusing to see what obvious long term damage this is doing.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Keeping your younger child supported and speaking to a child therapist or professional for guidance could really help.

Forewarning you op. My dc was a lot younger and has no specific memories of her trauma. She had 2 unsuccessful suicide attempts at 15. When she had therapy as a small dc we were told the sooner action is taken the less psychological damage in the future . The sooner the dc is removed from having to see the abuser the better..
I assume that is the family soire out the window?

I’m sorry this has happened. I second talking to the professional organisations you’ve been signposted to.

A family member is a probation officer with advanced qualifications and experience in dealing with SA / incest /paedophilia. In a nutshell he says never, ever, leave teen boys alone in bedrooms with younger kids esp girls. Obviously vanishingly few will do something impulsive and illegal but the fact remains some will in a moment of madness (very few are actual paedophiles; it is literally a split second of brain disconnect). It doesn’t necessarily mean your son did it again or will do it again but the point of me recounting this is not to make you feel bad about the room sharing but to highlight this is far far more common than you perhaps realised.

I was brought up never being left alone with older male teen brother or cousins (and kept away from friends older brothers while I was preteen). I thought this was outrageous and over protective and incredibly unfair to tarnish all young males - but now as a parent (of teens) I realise it came from my family member’s professional experience of seeing the worst and taking drastic steps to try and minimise the chance of harm.

the above is not intended in any way to minimise what happened to dd or the behaviour. Just trying to highlight that it is not rare.

OP didn’t want to tell her DH as it would upset the family weekend plans. Feel like I’m screaming at wall here.

OP, you cannot continue to house your DS like everything is fine for HIS protection. You are protecting him at the detriment of the real victim.

Hey OP, just saw this and had to respond. I am a younger girl whose older brother did something similar to this (just once too).

It has had a pretty big impact on my life, mainly because when I told my parents (aged 6) they did not believe me. It then led to a series of behaviours growing up where I felt my parents through my brother could do no wrong.

I virtually forgot about it for a few years but kept having nightmares terrors when it came back to me. I first told my other sibling in my late 20s. I told my parents what happened again in my early 30s and they do the best job possible of pretending like it never happened and were pretty bad with it tbh.

The hardest thing was talking to my brother about it. He said it was the worst thing he’s ever done and haunts him constantly. I’ve told him how traumatic it was for me.

But the point of me sharing this@Pinkpolkadress is to say you have a choice OP. You can address this before any more damage is done. I’d be so glad if I had a parent who would believe me.

share this with your dcs and tell them it’s so much better than the alternative.

I think you need to contact one of the helplines mentioned now - they can give you advice on how to tell your DH and what to do next.

I think there's been a lot of great suggestions and professional supports linked. Dare I suggest though OP, I think it might be better to stop engaging with the thread at this stage. There's been a lot of help, but also a lot of catastrophising and judgement. The really difficult task you have now is to act with calm neutrality, so that information can be gathered from your children without swaying their responses.

This is a really difficult situation, and you need professional support, not a pile on on the internet. Your son was old enough to know better for sure, but he was also still a child and I feel the villainising of him by some posters doesn't help. The action was wrong and needs to be treated as such, but the intent needs to be understood too.

First you need professional help to gather the info, then to heal and move on as a family.

My last piece of advise is to write notes on the info as you receive it. Timelines, who said what, etc., this is a head spinning topic, and it will be hard to keep it all straight as it unfurls. Best wishes for you during this time. 💐