Please help, not sure what to do (Trigger warning SA)

[Pinkpolkadress]

I recently found out that one of my dc (older teen) did something untoward to another of my dc (preteen). This happened three years ago and the dc who did it to their younger sibling does not know that I know.
My child it happened to has asked me not to tell their dad, or to mention it to older dc.
How do I proceed with this? It’s eating me up inside and I’m finding it difficult to think of anything else.
I instinctively feel I need to tell dh, but I know it will blow his world apart.
The child it happened to is fine with the older sibling and has told me they don’t really think about it (but I know they must do otherwise they wouldn’t have told me). We went out last night and they chose to eg. link arms with older sibling, but there is an undercurrent between them - it has been there a long time and now it makes sense. Older dc baits younger dc and it seems like there is a lot of resentment towards younger dc. I guess that could be guilt?
Apparently it only happened once. We have been on a fair few holidays/trips since then, and away to other places where younger dc has chosen to share a room with older dc.
I feel like I should be keeping them apart, but then I am new to this situation whereas younger dc has had years to sit with it. It is so hard to get my head around.
I would really appreciate some advice please. Younger dc has also recently mentioned what happened to two of their school friends, so it feels like an unexploded bomb at the moment.
I have been giving younger dc a lot of cuddles and support, and they said they are okay, but obviously they are young and unaware of the effect this incident might have on them going forward. I would also really appreciate advice on how to best give support in this situation.
As for older dc I am in shock. They are kind, lovely, one of their friends’ trustworthy and steadfast buddies. I just cannot understand that it happened - I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. Younger dc said older dc did not force them to do anything, they asked and younger dc said yes but felt uncomfortable.

The age gap is relatively large. Are they step siblings? You mention in your OP that you think your DH will go ballistic, why do you think that? Is there anything behind that?

No, he won’t go ballistic, he is more likely to go completely to pieces. He will be devastated, just as I am.
Dc’s are full siblings.

His daughter was sexually assaulted? What an odd question.

OP I understand you’re in shock but I’m hoping if enough of us say this it will get through to you - leaving it another day let alone until Monday for the sake of a family event is lunacy. It’s wrong. It’s under reacting. It’s not appropriate. It shouldn’t be an option.

If your daughters friends tell their parents and they report it to the authorities (which is what they should do) then the resulting turmoil of the police turning up to speak to you and your son and daughter before your husband even knows what’s going on will be yet another layer of trauma you’ll all then have to cope with.

You need to speak to your husband today and get professional help together today. Ideally I would call him home from work, explain what has happened and then ask your daughters school safeguarding team to guide you in your next steps.

You’re out of your depth and that’s understandable but you’re not making sensible decisions that centre the wellbeing of your daughter who has been a victim of sexual assault.

This. A 14/15 year old male knows exactly what he’s doing with his penis. I’m sorry OP but that’s sexual abuse, that your daughter is beginning to understand. She must come first. The poor girl.

You also need to be a united front OP. As quickly as possible. If I found out my husband knew about this, had kept it from me and had potentially been leaving the children alone for any amount of time whatsoever unsupervised while keeping this from me, I would find it very very hard to come back from.

He deserves to know. Your daughter deserves to have two parents working with professionals to guide them through this.

There are two ways of looking at it. The first is it’s waited for 3 years, so what will change if you wait until Monday to tell your DH. Arguably your DD is safer now than she was last week because she had told you and you can keep her safer than she was. You have time to think and your DD can adjust to someone knowing her secret without the world falling in on her. Your DH can enjoy the family event before he needs to deal with it.

On the other hand, your DD has carried this for 3 years and has been very brave in telling you. She will be wondering what happens next, and now has to carry that uncertainty too which is a lot for a still young girl. She might worry your DH will be angry with her (because she just doesn’t know). Your DH is an adult and while it’ll be hard for him to hear, it’s part of being a parent. It also means you’re holding this alone, which is very hard. It’s not your job to protect him.

Call the police. Protect your daughter and not the teenager who sexually abused her, a little child. He was 15 and knew he was abusing a little child. Call the police and kick him out.

If you don’t tell your DH and the police today then you’re protecting your son, not your daughter.

You need to tell DH today. Never mind the family event.

Message received. I will tell him this evening.
Do we then talk to ds or leave it until we have been given professional guidance?
I know that dh will want to talk to ds about it immediately, but I don’t want us to handle it wrongly.

Why don't you speak to one of the organisations that has been suggested to you.

That way, you can help your poor little husband with his feelings when you eventually tell him.

Seriously though, ring them and go from there.

Agreeing with those saying call your husband now as a family emergency and have him come for a talk immediately. It doesn't get more urgent than this. Your daughter needs to see that she is your top priority.

Skip the family event, it's unimportant right now. People will understand when the truth comes out, which it will as long as you don't hide it away.

It will be awful and painful, but it would be worse to leave your daughter feeling unsupported.

Good luck.

I think have your husband come home and then call one of the helplines together. You can both ask questions and make sure you are working from the same advice.

WTF 😳 I have a sibling and my best friend is one of 4 siblings and I can categorically tell you that it is NOT NORMAL for siblings to "mess around with each other" in a sexual way. Wtf?!?

OP - you are way under-reacting here. An older teen and a pre-teen is police territory for sure!!!

Honestly id either call the NSPCC or that lucy challenge before speaking to DS.

Theres a balance here, you need to believe DD but not approach this in a way that shuts DS down. You want professional advice. You either need advice to be forearmed for the discussion with DH or prepared to tell him you want to get that advice with him before anything else

Thanks for your advice. I have to say though, at a time that I’m finding it supremely difficult to get through, it’s really not helpful or kind to direct your aggression at me.
I am doing my best. All this happened three years ago, not recently. I have just found out. It is a huge shock. I thought we were the perfect close-knit family, and this has been shattering.
My dh and I are good people. There’s no need to add extra upset to this situation. Please.

He has loads of friends who are girls, who trust him implicitly.

Well you probably thought your daughter did until she dropped this bombshell.

Also, to echo another poster, kids don't usually tell the full truth in situations like this. They will tell parts of the truth to gauge your reaction. I feel he probably did more than what your DD is telling you.

You need to speak to your husband today.

This too. If you had said your son was 11/12 I would have thought differently but 14/15, he definitely knew what he was doing was wrong. And most likely swore her to secrecy.

OP, I agree with pp, get your husband home now, and ring the NSPCC and the police. You may have just found out, and I’m sure you are good people, but your daughter has been carrying this alone for 3 years. She shouldn’t wait any longer. You have no idea whether your DS has approached other young females, and whether this is the tip of the iceberg.
As a survivor of CSA and DV, the way others react when you have trusted them with disclosure is paramount, and as the innocents in all this, we minimise because we have issues with trust. There may be more your daughter has to say, but this can only happen if she feels heard and validated.

I am sorry if you have normalised this to yourself, but that is not normal.

Definitely speak to one of the organisations mentioned because as awful as it is, there is the possibility you later discover you son has also experienced abuse - often children who are abused act it out later. You need professional advice to approach this properly.
You’re in an awful position right now but you will get through this with the right support. Sending you a virtual hug.

Your dd doesn't get to decide how this goes op.
As the Grown Up you make the decisions... And remember it really isn't you blowing up the family.
I would like to say when I rang the police I knew I would no longer have my ds in my life. He went into foster care and I haven't seen him in 15 years.. Your world is about to implode... I am genuinely so sorry.

😂

I am really sorry to say this but the behaviour you have described could be a precursor / signal to more serious offending. Like others have said, you need to confront the issue head on, get professional advice or your daughter may never forgive you.

I didn’t tell my parents about the abuse I suffered at the age of 11 as I didn’t trust them to not blame me for it, even at that age. I wouldn’t tell them now as they would, as you say, ‘go to pieces’.

and yet, they and he are the adults in these situations. My parents had a duty of care and they completely failed. I protect them now as I realise they were shit parents and it wouldn’t achieve anything. However, your daughter is still a child and you both have a duty of care to her. You need to put your child first and stop protecting everyone else, and he has a duty not to ‘go to pieces’ and make it all about him. The abuse happened to her, not him, and you can’t keep putting an adult man who should have control of himself and his emotions over a child who is what, 11?

I realise it’s hard but you need to pull your socks up on this one. I have had my parents on fairy low contact for years now because I am just in utter disbelief at how badly they failed me. Don’t make the same mistakes they did.