Please help, not sure what to do (Trigger warning SA)

[Pinkpolkadress]

I recently found out that one of my dc (older teen) did something untoward to another of my dc (preteen). This happened three years ago and the dc who did it to their younger sibling does not know that I know.
My child it happened to has asked me not to tell their dad, or to mention it to older dc.
How do I proceed with this? It’s eating me up inside and I’m finding it difficult to think of anything else.
I instinctively feel I need to tell dh, but I know it will blow his world apart.
The child it happened to is fine with the older sibling and has told me they don’t really think about it (but I know they must do otherwise they wouldn’t have told me). We went out last night and they chose to eg. link arms with older sibling, but there is an undercurrent between them - it has been there a long time and now it makes sense. Older dc baits younger dc and it seems like there is a lot of resentment towards younger dc. I guess that could be guilt?
Apparently it only happened once. We have been on a fair few holidays/trips since then, and away to other places where younger dc has chosen to share a room with older dc.
I feel like I should be keeping them apart, but then I am new to this situation whereas younger dc has had years to sit with it. It is so hard to get my head around.
I would really appreciate some advice please. Younger dc has also recently mentioned what happened to two of their school friends, so it feels like an unexploded bomb at the moment.
I have been giving younger dc a lot of cuddles and support, and they said they are okay, but obviously they are young and unaware of the effect this incident might have on them going forward. I would also really appreciate advice on how to best give support in this situation.
As for older dc I am in shock. They are kind, lovely, one of their friends’ trustworthy and steadfast buddies. I just cannot understand that it happened - I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. Younger dc said older dc did not force them to do anything, they asked and younger dc said yes but felt uncomfortable.

Please don't put this on your daughter to decide what happens. You're the parent that's your job, as horrible as the situation is you'll be making it so much worse for her making her either accept what happened to her or making her implode her family. She can't win either way and that's absolutely huge to put on to a child. I can appreciate it's heartbreaking to hear but this really isn't about you or.your husband. Your child needs help.

You can't ignore this. Both your children need help.

First off tell your husband. Imagine your dd confided in him and he chose not to tell you? How would you feel.

I think you need to reach out to some organisation - not in UK so I'm no help - for guidance and take it from there.

Also your dd is telling people - not just you. If one of those friends tells her mother (and my kids would have) the school will be told and ss will be involved. If you have to tell them that your dd confided in you but you didn't tell your husband and did nothing ..

@Pinkpolkadress what an awful situation for you, but I do feel your daughter has told you for a reason.

Act now. Phone your husband and say you need to talk to him the second he gets home. Safeguarding your daughter from her much older brother is your priority, not only to protect her now but long term, so she can see that this behaviour isn't to be accepted or kept quiet.

My DM was abused by her older brother, my revolting and thankfully now dead uncle, when she was a child. He did almost exactly the same thing to her and she says it just happened once. She has never got over it, in fact it has got worse as she has got older and she has sought escape through alcohol to now being dependent. She is in her seventies. This doesn't go away.

This isn't catastrophising, this is acting to support your daughter and help your son to avoid ending up on a register.

It's possible they've recently had a lesson at school on safeguarding issues and been told they have to tell.

The friends she's told will know that they have to tell, also.

You can contact the non-emergency police helpline, you can also message them online if the issue is vocalising it, it is 101.

Also, Childline are another useful port of call and the NSPCC website has lots of good advice to read. I've put a link below. One is how to react when a child reveals abuse, another is how to handle the conversation with other adults. That might be helpful to read before you talk to DH.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/what-to-do-child-reveals-abuse/

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/handling-difficult-conversations-with-adults/

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/news/2024/november/sibling-sexual-harm-abuse-service-stepping-stones

But you need to talk to DH and then report to the police, don't talk to DS now, he may react and find time to intimidate DD or change his story.

DD is in school isn't she? Or is half-term for you? If so you need to contact the DSL and her Head of Year on Monday as soon as she gets back, say it is urgent. They can help you navigate other services, SS if needed, therapy and support for DD. You cannot allow your shock to prevent you from getting on with what you need to do, as hard as it must be.

It is worrying and upsetting but the fact it happened once four years ago and nothing since might indicate it is not as serious as it seens. Also i cant imagine how it happened if your son didnt move at all. It needs delicate handling but i feel your son needs to be heard..to be given a chance to explain . Expert advice should help.

It is!

Don't confront DS. Take professional advice from the NSPCC.

From bits and pieces I’ve heard from a friend who went through similar, she told her GP, who must have told social services who were then involved, which meant a social worker came round and chatted to both children separately to find out what happened, then assessed current risk (do kids share a bedroom or bathroom, are they ever left alone together etc). Then therapy was offered to all the family (individual and family therapy). I don’t remember her saying police were ever involved.

I hate to say it - and of course I might be wrong - but I think that the OPs daughter is minimalizing (or perhaps misremembering) what happened to try and gauge the reaction...

Sorry i cant word this in a nice way. He is an offender. You know he is an offender, if you dont do something you are responcable for the next times he offends. For every life ruined by his actions

You have said a number of things to minimize this situation:

We are good people
It happened years ago
Perfect close knit family

You have to be aware of this dynamic and stop it.

It is irrelevant when it happened - you now know. The clock is ticking on your watch.

You are not a perfect family - no such thing exists.

Your version of yourself as good people isn’t helpful

A 15 year old male sibling sexually assaulting an 8 year old sibling needs addressed. It is irrelevant that your daughter wants to minimize or forget or whatever. She is a victim and needs protecting.

If a stranger did it to her at a bus stop what would you do?
What if it was three years ago but you knew who it was?

The first time something is disclosed - it’s never the full picture.

You get one shot to deal with the appropriately. Don’t deny, don’t minimize seek help.

Act now. Phone your husband and say you need to talk to him the second he gets home.

No don't do this. You don't need to tell your husband you need to speak to him if he's coming home from work anyway. It happened 3 years ago. 4 hours isn't going to make a difference now and it will just panic him and cause his head to be all over the place when he's driving home.

Stop motheringbyour husband. You are currently having to deal with this on your own, and your daughter. You are devastated
you are not responsible for managing your husbands feelings and emotions

hecneeds to step up to be an adult emotionally, and control his emotions for himself, as you are, to deal with both children appropraitely

jeez…why do women do this ?

you need to act now. urgently.

It’s major enough to call him home from work, and you both take time off this afternoon and tomorrow and you both talk it through and call services while kids still at school and don’t need to hear what you are discussing and doing.

how much more serious does it get for you to realise you must drop everything including work to get this under control and your daughter in place of safety, and your son in contact with people who will begin to help him understand and modify his behavoiur

itcisnt just your daughter you are damaging by delays. It’s your son. There is a good chance that intervention now will prevent him ever having such inappropriate fantasies agian, let alone acting out. You do realise that kids have access to porn, and it’s very likely, having done this to a very young child, he’s accessing illegal images of child abuse online, tonight, tomorrow night, whenever. He needs immediate intervention to hot this before he ends up n sex offenders registering for life, and it impacts his future prospects .

wake up. Get your husband and you home. Deal with it now. And don’t not contact authorise because you’re scared. Sure, I’d be scared. But both you and him are not skilled or professionals to deal with this actively …you’ll be just sweeping it under carpet. Dealing with it using professionals is your best chance of healing your family in long term

as for weekend away? Forget it. Not the priority just now. Kids come first.

I think you have to tell dh. Some posters seem to beminimising the incident but the age difference of your children and gender is troubling. If your son had done this to an unrelated girl of the same age , the girls parents would be contacting the police, if they were good parents.

I don't think there is any need for the snipey comment about OPs husband, totally uncalled for.

Has dd walked you through the exact way things happen? Have you wrote down the details of her statement?

There's a difference between older dc say being in bed and their younger sibling getting in bed with them and accidental touching compared to walking up to younger sibling and stripping

I don't have anything to add to what others have said regarding needing to act urgently, other than you need to do this together with your husband, draw strength from each other and that my heart goes out to you both and your daughter.

My brother sexually assaulted both me and my sister, it has damaged both of us, he was around 16 when it began which means I was 13 and my sister was about 10. Neither of us knew it was happening to the other one and we only spoke about it as adult women as we both have had mental health issues due to our childhood. This was back in the days when there was no safeguarding in schools. I am sorry but you have to report this, it will be the most difficult thing you have probably ever done but you must protect your child.

You keep saying it happened once three years ago - but your OP says that in the intervening years, your children have shared a room on holiday.

You need to accept it’s very likely it’s happened more often than just once and your daughter is drip feeding information to check how you react.

tell your husband asap and for the love of god, make sure your children aren’t sharing a room at the family event you’re all going to this weekend (or ever again).

OP, what made your DD tell you about it now? Something must have made her want you to know, after not mentioning it since it happened.

https://www.sarsas.org.uk/projects/sibling-sexual-abuse-project/

Ds has been away at uni since September, and was coming home. He goes back on Sunday.

He touched her legs with his penis.