Please help, not sure what to do (Trigger warning SA)

[Pinkpolkadress]

I recently found out that one of my dc (older teen) did something untoward to another of my dc (preteen). This happened three years ago and the dc who did it to their younger sibling does not know that I know.
My child it happened to has asked me not to tell their dad, or to mention it to older dc.
How do I proceed with this? It’s eating me up inside and I’m finding it difficult to think of anything else.
I instinctively feel I need to tell dh, but I know it will blow his world apart.
The child it happened to is fine with the older sibling and has told me they don’t really think about it (but I know they must do otherwise they wouldn’t have told me). We went out last night and they chose to eg. link arms with older sibling, but there is an undercurrent between them - it has been there a long time and now it makes sense. Older dc baits younger dc and it seems like there is a lot of resentment towards younger dc. I guess that could be guilt?
Apparently it only happened once. We have been on a fair few holidays/trips since then, and away to other places where younger dc has chosen to share a room with older dc.
I feel like I should be keeping them apart, but then I am new to this situation whereas younger dc has had years to sit with it. It is so hard to get my head around.
I would really appreciate some advice please. Younger dc has also recently mentioned what happened to two of their school friends, so it feels like an unexploded bomb at the moment.
I have been giving younger dc a lot of cuddles and support, and they said they are okay, but obviously they are young and unaware of the effect this incident might have on them going forward. I would also really appreciate advice on how to best give support in this situation.
As for older dc I am in shock. They are kind, lovely, one of their friends’ trustworthy and steadfast buddies. I just cannot understand that it happened - I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. Younger dc said older dc did not force them to do anything, they asked and younger dc said yes but felt uncomfortable.

Yes.I agree.

To those saying this is an overreaction - as someone who has sadly been in a similar position as the daughter as a child, let’s not forget that she is likely minimising what has actually happened to her.
She says it was her leg - let’s hope that’s really the truth because I know I lied about the actual act as I was so utterly ashamed about what happened to me.
Let’s be real, leg seems unlikely - awful enough as it is.
She may have wanted to let her Mum know something was happening without giving the full details.
Regardless, it sounds like it will be treated with the urgency and seriousness it warrants, so well done to the OP for taking it seriously.
Please ignore those who are happy to sweep something like this under the carpet to keep up appearances.

I also could not say the extent of what happened and tried to minimise it.

She’s only 11. Poor little thing.

Yeah, I think the OP realises it wasn’t her leg. That’s why it’s now so important to show the child immediately and swiftly that she can talk about this and she will be believed.

She’s testing the water here, having waited until they were going to the station to pick him up. There are only 2 reasons why that could be. Maybe because she was suddenly scared of him coming home to continue abuse, or because she wanted her mum to give a bigger reaction.

Any further talk about it must’ve been while he was in the house or nearby. No wonder she’s saying she wishes she hadn’t spoken up. Nothing happened when she did sadly!

I can’t imagine what you and your daughter are going through right now, you must be in shock. I just want to say how well your handling this, I’m glad your daughter has a close relationship with you and was comfortable in telling you. I agree with other posters after talking to DH reach out to specialist services to help guide your next step. I’m glad your daughter has you to confide in and support. The next few months and maybe even years will be difficult but with the right support and guidance you can get through this as a family xxx❤️

I am so sorry OP. What a difficult dilemma. Thank goodness your youngest DC told you, as that will help. ( The one who did it could be affected as they grow up too, but in their case by guilt.)

There is a Times article about this problem which you could see on ‘archive ph’ by putting in Revealed: the hidden crime of child sexual abuse.’ I first read it with a token on mumsnet. You could try a mumsnet search too.

https://archive.ph/RjuYi

I can’t see what this post says, obviously, but judging on your reply I know EXACTLY which one it was, and which poster. I read their posts earlier and my first thought was also WTF?!? I’m glad this has now been deleted. I didn’t have to time to post earlier and have now come back to where I bookmarked, which I think was only a couple of posts before yours so assume it went not long after I’d read the thread and seen it.

It absolutely is NOT common or usual at all! And I think just from the high percentage of posters on here disagreeing is already showing that it’s really not right. It was a terrible thing, and not at all helpful to the op. They - luckily - have had a lot of good advice, which they are taking, which is great. I think I’d only be repeating others on here if I also now give advice, but seeing that she will be speaking to her husband asap as a priority now is really good. I’d definitely advise giving one of the organisations pps have suggested, perhaps whilst waiting to speak to her husband, would definitely give her good advice for how to try and get some sort of framework as to how to approach this awful situation they are in. Advise as to when/how to speak to older dc about it, or who to turn to that can do that. What order to do all these things in, how to address it all to younger dd etc. It’s hard because although dd says she doesn’t want anything to happen because of this as adults they also need to keep her safe, and it’s possible that dd’s reaction will be quite bad. She might retract, she might think she can’t trust her mother and not confide any further abuse which may have happened etc. Which is why outside agencies would have invaluable advice as to how to approach something as massive and sensitive as this whilst still making dd feel as though her parents are actually doing this for her best interests, but this is so delicate. You really do need outside help.

He has not been in a good place mentally for a long time, and I do not want him harming himself because of how we’ve dealt with it.

He may have been affected by guilt over what he has done; or when he did it he may have been affected by something he had seen, or happened to him etc

It is so good your dd told you. Thank goodness for that.

You are right to seek out help all round.

Your DS having MH problems does not excuse him from criminal justice. If everyone used “I’m suicidal over the guilt of my crime” to get away with their crimes we wouldn’t ever have a rapist or child abuser in jail.

Your DD deserves justice. Your DS’s feelings do not negate that fact. She needs to know that she is worth defending. You can safeguard your son all you want through that process but he absolutely needs to face what he has done. Your DD NEEDS to know that this behaviour cannot be excused or brushed away.

Stop prioritising and protecting the abuser.

WTF is wrong with you??

Nothing.

Several other posters have said the same thing.

Op, the best of luck to your daughter.

I hope she can recover from this.

And massively in the minority.

Thank you for finding that.

I was sexually abused from the age of five until nine years old, by a family member. It has clouded my entire life, but no action was taken by my parents and I was made to feel it was somehow my fault. Act now for your daughter’s future.

Good god. She told you before he came to visit cos she was AFRAID. She linked arms because she's trying to appease her abuser. Christ woman protect this child what is wrong with you.

I totally agree with the above, I would leave the thread OP people are just piling on and some of the abusive comments towards you cannot possibly be helpful.
You’ve had sound advice and sound like a very caring Mum who I know will do the right thing.

I also agree that leaving the thread now is a good idea. We had an awful situation with a child so I understand how difficult this is.

Sadly, a lot of people wrongly think it is normal.

I am so sorry , my heart goes out to you. While I would never be so presumptuous to say that I know what you have been through because we are all unique, I agree that abuse taints and damages lives. What I went though at home has affected my whole life in a negative way. I never told anyone, there was nobody to tell when I was young and I just boxed it away in my mind. Sending you my best wishes

The pile on to the OP here is not necessary.
Shes just had the bottom fall out of her world and she’s trying to find the best way forwards that’s in the best interests of everyone. That includes her daughter AND her son. He is still her son, realistically she’s not going to just throw him out is she?
Right now, her daughter is safe. That’s the important thing.

She told you her brother SA her and you still brought him home? If you prioritised your dd then you wouldn’t have let your son back in the house. Have you reported him?

Realistically her ds leaving the home is exactly what needs to happen. .
I am leaving the thread now.
Too much bat shittery..