Please help, not sure what to do (Trigger warning SA)

[Pinkpolkadress]

I recently found out that one of my dc (older teen) did something untoward to another of my dc (preteen). This happened three years ago and the dc who did it to their younger sibling does not know that I know.
My child it happened to has asked me not to tell their dad, or to mention it to older dc.
How do I proceed with this? It’s eating me up inside and I’m finding it difficult to think of anything else.
I instinctively feel I need to tell dh, but I know it will blow his world apart.
The child it happened to is fine with the older sibling and has told me they don’t really think about it (but I know they must do otherwise they wouldn’t have told me). We went out last night and they chose to eg. link arms with older sibling, but there is an undercurrent between them - it has been there a long time and now it makes sense. Older dc baits younger dc and it seems like there is a lot of resentment towards younger dc. I guess that could be guilt?
Apparently it only happened once. We have been on a fair few holidays/trips since then, and away to other places where younger dc has chosen to share a room with older dc.
I feel like I should be keeping them apart, but then I am new to this situation whereas younger dc has had years to sit with it. It is so hard to get my head around.
I would really appreciate some advice please. Younger dc has also recently mentioned what happened to two of their school friends, so it feels like an unexploded bomb at the moment.
I have been giving younger dc a lot of cuddles and support, and they said they are okay, but obviously they are young and unaware of the effect this incident might have on them going forward. I would also really appreciate advice on how to best give support in this situation.
As for older dc I am in shock. They are kind, lovely, one of their friends’ trustworthy and steadfast buddies. I just cannot understand that it happened - I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. Younger dc said older dc did not force them to do anything, they asked and younger dc said yes but felt uncomfortable.

Interesting that you pulled this bit from your post.

It's bollocks that most siblings experiment.

It's not experimenting, it's sexual assault.

What 14/15 year old weirdo rubs his penis against his 8 year old sisters legs and an adult thinks that's experimenting.

If someone did that to your 8 year old daughter would you say ah bless, he's only experimenting.

Would you fuck off.

I think you need to speak to your DH and DC1.

And i think you need to also ask DC2 what she wants to happen, and understand her answer may depend on fear of rocking the apple cart.

You need to make some hard decisions here. But a 14/15year old is old enough to not ask his sister if he can touch her with his genitals. Thats grooming and SA and youve been lucky this isnt worse, but he may be redirecting that curiosity to other children.

Id also contact NSPCC for advice and support. Doing nothing cant be an option

Wait what.

Your 15/16 year old son “touched” his 8 year old sister’s leg with his privates. This is a crime and it needs to be addressed.

Contact the NSPCC for the correct guidance.

Your daughter is clearly traumatised. She has kept this secret for 3 years. She maybe at an age now where she has more understanding of the matter hence she is speaking out.

Hopefully this was an isolated incident.

I'm sorry this has happened within your family, it's an awful thing to have to deal with. But deal with it you must; the very fact your daughter has told you what happened is a cry for help and you have to take it very seriously.

I’ve asked dd and she says that she wants me to pretend that she never told me, and for everything to go back to normal again.
I need to talk to dh, I know.
We never 100% know our children, but finding this out about ds has really shocked me. He has loads of friends who are girls, who trust him implicitly. I just can’t imagine him doing this to dd, but I do believe dd so it must have happened.

I think when it’s children of similar ages and below say, 10 years old, it can be chalked down to ‘experimentation’. At the age of 14 or 15, you know what sex is, you know what genitals are and their purpose, and you definitely know you shouldn’t be getting yours out to a sibling almost half your age.. I don’t think there’s much excusing it. I don’t know what the path forwards with something like this looks like, but didn’t want to read and run. Thinking of you OP!

I do believe that dd told me the truth. I did ask her if he was moving but she said he was still, not that it makes much difference.
We have never had any concerns about ds before now. I am really shocked by this.

I read your original thread.

You need to tell your husband.

As your daughter has now started telling other people you need to deal with this now, today.

Clearly you are conflicted as they are both your children, but it is your duty to protect your daughter and as a result this means you stop protecting your son by keeping quiet.

I hate to say this like this:

Children arent really at risk from stranger danger, its people with charm and access.

Shes regretting she told you because she doesnt want to upset her brother. He will likely have been a great brother outside this incident which is why she didnt feel comfortable saying no or telling on him. Its often how child victims feel, scared, vulnerable and guilty. Are you confident it was just once?

I think you need to be honest with her that something this seruous cant be ignored or secret but that shes safe.

Its awful to think but is that charm, those female friends becauae hes lovely or because hes calculated and charming. And I dont know, but i am sure a 14 year old or 15 year old knows he shouldnt have asked to touch his genitals to an 8 year old, and then act on it. He knew what he was doing, he knew she was his sister and the age gap.

Likely shes only just discovered how serious the incident was in light of puberty and sex education talks at school. Even the best case scenario is worrying behaviour from him.

Id strongly suggest looking at the NSPCC website - even call annoymously first and get advice.

But ultimately you need to:

1. Explain to DD why you cant ignore this or keep it secret but she did the RIGHT thing
2. Talk to your DH
3. Talk to your DS

From there, honestly i dont know maybe you do need to seperate them, inform the school or police. I think its dependant on a lot of variables. But good luck

You need to speak to your husband, social services and the police. Chances are the two school friends will tell a parent who will tell will tell the school who will then report you for not reporting the sexual abuse of your child.
No matter how you word it it is 100% sexual abuse.
Your younger child could very well be minimising what happened.. What part of her leg was it, I’m guessing inner thigh??
You can’t ignore this, as a victim myself it’s really brave that your child has come to you and they might say they are fine but of course they aren’t, please report this. The fact that since this your younger child still seems close to there sibling is irrelevant.

Op, you are a very naive.

You must care for your daughter in the same way as if a stranger did this to her.

How do you know all of your sons friends trust him implicitly. So did his sister until she didn't.

This may be the tip of the iceberg. She may only tell something small at first to see what will happen.

She has done a massive thing in telling you and you're pearl clutching.

My son would be out of the house by now.

Advice from Childline initially?

The poster who said "Ask DD what she wants to happen" is wrong. Safeguarding does not involve doing this, because many children will not want to upset family members and will say they want to 'carry on as if nothing has happened'.

This is absolutely bang on.

Yes 100%. My mum put the responsibility on me as a scared 13yr old and of course I didn't want to leave my home, my school, because I loved my dad, I just hated what he did to me.

(Then of course I got it thrown in my face when I was older
"Well YOU wanted to stay"
My Mum was not a nice person.)

OP I think your DD is now at an age where she understands more clearly what happened. She has a frame of reference for what happened and she is now moving into an age where she will start to feel unsettled, traumatized and ashamed that she "let" it happen.

Sadly there could well have been other similar instances.

As she has told school friends, you must act. One of her friends will talk eventually and then the whole thing will be out of your hands, school and social services will be involved and it will be very messy.

First step: tell DH
Second step: NSPCC or Childline for advice

And take some time to look after yourself too - this is a horrible situation to deal with. But you are the person who's been entrusted with this information and you MUST act to keep your DD safe.

It’s really common for children to retract a disclosure of abuse or to want everything to stay the same. Telling people makes it more real and means things change, which can leave the child feeling responsible for the fall out.

Right now you’re in shock, so will struggle to think clearly. You’re DD needs to know you believe her (which you’re clearly communicating to her), she also needs to know this is for the adults in the house to deal with - it’s not up to her to decide what happens now.

The Lucy Faithfull helpline is excellent - non-judgemental and very experienced, they’ll help you work out what you need to do here in terms of keeping your DD safe. As hard as it is, your DS will also need support because he too is still young - that doesn’t mean you need to give that support, but he will need someone. Again the Lucy Faithfull helpline can help with that.

I’d also contact social work - they should have services for young people showing sexually harmful behaviour and can make an assessment of risk and do some safety planning with you which may mean finding alternative accommodation for you son at least initially. Is there a relative or friend he could stay with at least initially?

If there isn’t somewhere else he can stay, you need to ensure they aren’t left unsupervised together - he may not try to harm her but may put pressure on to retract, blame her for telling or otherwise make her feel bad. Be clear to both that it’s a precautionary measure until you can seek advice.

Your DDs safety and wellbeing are your priority here, but so is your sons. Your DD needs support to understand she isn’t to blame here, even if she thinks she gave consent, because as a child she is/was too young to understand what he was asking. She also needs to know that your priority is keeping her safe, so living arrangements may need to change. Try not to treat her differently or keep referring back to what happened, give her space to talk when she needs to but also accept that will be on her terms.

Its very difficult and the natural temptation is to minimise and make it go away - you’re doing the right the tackling it head on. Do you have anyone in real life you can confide in?

You're going to have to report it before someone else does. It will look very poor on your part if you don’t. Sadly I think there is probably much more to this story. Victims often tentatively report something “small” to gauge reactions. For him to have felt comfortable doing this to her, he’s been grooming and pushing boundaries with her for quite some time, something she will have difficulty putting into words.

When my dc disclosed abuse from a sibling I rang the police.
Surely there is no other option for you either?
Doing nothing is telling your dd it doesn't matter what happened to her.

And to your older dc they are free to abuse small girls.

You have to protect your daughter. She is a victim and is trying to protect her brother, the perpetrator and her family from this act blowing everything up. She is likely minimising and you are duty-bound to protect her, a safeguarding obligation despite her claims to not want you to confront her brother. I also highly doubt this would be a one-off. For a 14 year old to do thie against an 8 year old is extremely serious. You need help, advice from professionals and absolutely cannot sweep this under the carpet. You need to explain why this is serious to your daughter and reassure her she has done the best thing to tell you and it is absolutely not her at blame or fault but your sons.

I'm afraid I agree with others that there is a strong possiiblity that this is the tip of the iceberg. You need help and advice about the next steps including around how you talk to your daughter about the fact you can't keep it secret-and you can't.

It's really worth talking this through with Lucy Faithfull or NSPC. There is excellent safeguarding training that looks at categorising different types of abuse based on age difference etc. they can help you navigate this as a family. Showing that your DD is believed and did the right thing here is important and will impact her for the rest of her life.

Thank you, this is really helpful. I will talk to dh, I just don’t know when to do it. We have a big family event that we are all away for this weekend, and I’m not sure my dh will be able to pull himself together enough for it if I tell him beforehand. I feel sick about it. I know it is urgent that I tell him, but all this happened three years ago, so I think I will plan to tell him on Monday.
My priority through this is my daughter and her safety. We are spending a lot of time together at the moment, which is good for both of us. I need her to feel safe, and will do whatever I have to do to get her to that point.
I have no one to confide in in real life. I feel so ashamed of what has happened.

Monday is too late.
you are making excuses.

if one of your daughter's friends tells a parent now, that parent may escalate it immediately and it would be out of your hands.

Wtf is actually wrong with you.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS THE PRIORITY HERE NOT YOUR HUSBAND.

Jesus.