Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, not sure what to do (Trigger warning SA)

211 replies

Pinkpolkadress · 29/10/2025 09:45

I recently found out that one of my dc (older teen) did something untoward to another of my dc (preteen). This happened three years ago and the dc who did it to their younger sibling does not know that I know.
My child it happened to has asked me not to tell their dad, or to mention it to older dc.
How do I proceed with this? It’s eating me up inside and I’m finding it difficult to think of anything else.
I instinctively feel I need to tell dh, but I know it will blow his world apart.
The child it happened to is fine with the older sibling and has told me they don’t really think about it (but I know they must do otherwise they wouldn’t have told me). We went out last night and they chose to eg. link arms with older sibling, but there is an undercurrent between them - it has been there a long time and now it makes sense. Older dc baits younger dc and it seems like there is a lot of resentment towards younger dc. I guess that could be guilt?
Apparently it only happened once. We have been on a fair few holidays/trips since then, and away to other places where younger dc has chosen to share a room with older dc.
I feel like I should be keeping them apart, but then I am new to this situation whereas younger dc has had years to sit with it. It is so hard to get my head around.
I would really appreciate some advice please. Younger dc has also recently mentioned what happened to two of their school friends, so it feels like an unexploded bomb at the moment.
I have been giving younger dc a lot of cuddles and support, and they said they are okay, but obviously they are young and unaware of the effect this incident might have on them going forward. I would also really appreciate advice on how to best give support in this situation.
As for older dc I am in shock. They are kind, lovely, one of their friends’ trustworthy and steadfast buddies. I just cannot understand that it happened - I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. Younger dc said older dc did not force them to do anything, they asked and younger dc said yes but felt uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 29/10/2025 14:18

twohandsonthecupplease · 29/10/2025 14:13

OP what a shock to get. I didn't want to read and run because this reminded me of an event from my childhood. Without overly sharing details, similar age gap, though both younger age profile at the time. No molestation, but inappropriate comment and touch. This has been something I've felt uncomfortable about as an adult because of how it was handled by my DP, and that really resurfaced when I had my own DC. I thought it might be helpful to you to share what I wish the response had been.

I wish that it was treated seriously. I don't mean punitively, just that it was acknowledged this is not ok. Dismissing it, not discussing it, or minimising in any way is harmful to a young child. Even if the event isn't something you yourself seem as severe, it can shape how your DD will view and place boundaries throughout her life. I wish this response was immediate. My wellbeing mattered more than their need to process or find the right time.

I wish that I had received therapy. Your DC may say they're fine, or have a close relationship with her brother still - it doesn't mean an impartial therapist wouldn't be beneficial. Regardless of the timeline. I am 3 decades on, and only just came to true acceptance. Therapy would have helped achieve this earlier.

I wish my family member had received therapy as well, to help them.

I wish my family member had been clearly told this behaviour was not ok. Regardless of the chance of reoffending being low (and it didn't happen), I wish as an adult measures had been put in place to prevent this being a possibility. Open door policy, no time alone, etc. I do not trust my DM with my DC as a result of them not implementing this.

I wish as an adult that we had had open conversations about consent and boundaries after this fact.

I also wish I knew what my family members motivation had been. I don't think it was sexual in nature, and often isn't with child on child occurrences. I worry that they were exposed to something they shouldn't have been.

I wish I could talk to my parents about this, but know I can't without it being seen as accusing my family member of being a paedo - something I truly don't think they are. I wish there was open discourse.

I hope this helps, but it is clear you care about both your children. This is heartbreakingly common, and you will be able to move forward as long as you don't minimise it.

🫂 💐 sadly, beautifully written x

beadystar · 29/10/2025 14:19

CollsR · 29/10/2025 14:05

Wish you the best in telling your husband OP. He is going to have an emotional reaction first and might need a few hours or days before he can talk about the plan going forward. You are ahead of him on processing this.

I think your husband needs to understand that he cannot show that he knows to your daughter, until you let your daughter know. Perhaps I missed this. But you don't want your daughter to feel betrayed by you and that she cannot come to you with things. Together with your husband you need to plan how to ask her for permission to tell her Dad or tell her that you need to tell.

I'd definitely speak to a helpline for support and look for some therapists with knowledge. It's not great news to have, but I think people are over-reacting here. Siblings will mess around a little. It doesn't make this okay, but mistakes happen in life. I think you will need to try make sure your daughter feels safe talking to you in future, understands she did the right thing telling you and feels safe around her brother & generally. I think you will need to try (with out judgement or anger) talk to your son about this incident. I think you will need professional support for the conversation. Gently asking him about it will let you have a conversation about why it happened (for him to explain, really avoid leading him anywere and be comfortable with long silences) and for the talk about why it should not have happened and what's appropriate age-wise and what consent really is (not a yes, but enthusiastic and willing agreement from someone old enough, conscience and not in a power imbalance).

I’m sorry but a 14 year old male putting his penis on an 8 year old child isn’t ‘messing about.’ He was old enough to know exactly what he was doing. The age difference, the power imbalance, their size difference…?
Sadly, I, like others on this thread think that this may just be the beginning of OP’s daughter’s disclosure.

usedtobeaylis · 29/10/2025 14:20

Your daughter isn't ok, she isn't fine, no matter what she says. She's mentioning it now to multiple people for a reason. She also probably doesn't know how long ago it actually was as children that age don't have a firm grasp of time. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, it's a living nightmare.

Blueskiesandrainbows · 29/10/2025 14:21

OP I think people are wrong in saying you should report it to the police without first seeking out the alternative sensible advice suggested. I’ve not heard of Lucy Faithful but it sounds well recommended.
Obviously it’s a delicate situation and you want to do the best for both your son and your daughter.
You’ve already taken a big step by posting on here and in the few short pages you’ve already encountered absolute outrage and also some sound sensible advice. Please take time to think this through carefully, there is so much at stake, it needs to be handled so carefully.

CollsR · 29/10/2025 14:21

ScatterPotty · 29/10/2025 13:58

OP good advice already given re calling Lucy Faithful Foundation

I work in this area. Please don’t catastrophise or minimise.

tell you husband

call social work

external agencies will speak to both children to establish the facts. This might take a few days as both will likely be deemed safe in your care with enhanced supervision.

social work will advise re a safety plan

once the facts are known the right response can be put in place

This is great advice from someone who knows this issue.

CollsR · 29/10/2025 14:25

beadystar · 29/10/2025 14:19

I’m sorry but a 14 year old male putting his penis on an 8 year old child isn’t ‘messing about.’ He was old enough to know exactly what he was doing. The age difference, the power imbalance, their size difference…?
Sadly, I, like others on this thread think that this may just be the beginning of OP’s daughter’s disclosure.

Show quote history

None of us actually know. Your guessing doesn't really help. As someone with knowledge of this subject said "Don't minimise and don't catastrophise". I'm tyring to walk that middle ground with my advise.

Original poster
Pinkpolkadress · 29/10/2025 14:28

Thank you so much for all of your advice so far, I really appreciate it. I am so sorry to all of you who have been through a similar experience, especially those of you who weren’t able to tell anyone.
I am so glad that dd told me, and I plan to tell dh (without dd knowing). We will decide on a route forwards, together.
It is obvious that things need to change from now on. They will never again share a room, and even if it was a one-off (which I hope to goodness it really was), I will never again trust ds. I will arrange counselling for both of them, and hopefully we can somehow move forward through this nightmare.
Some of you have accused me of being passive, but I am actually sitting here shaking, and still stunned by what dd told me. I have a habit of being quite spontaneous, but I know that this delicate situation needs handling correctly if we are going to manage the trauma that has been caused for dd, and to help ds as well. Your comments have been very helpful, especially the posts with links and action plans. Really, thank you. MNHQ advised me to post in Relationships due to the excellent support given there, and I’m glad I did.

OP posts:
Hellohelga · 29/10/2025 14:29

ScatterPotty · 29/10/2025 13:58

OP good advice already given re calling Lucy Faithful Foundation

I work in this area. Please don’t catastrophise or minimise.

tell you husband

call social work

external agencies will speak to both children to establish the facts. This might take a few days as both will likely be deemed safe in your care with enhanced supervision.

social work will advise re a safety plan

once the facts are known the right response can be put in place

This is great advice.

OP sorry for some unkind/unhelpful comments on here when you are already reeling. The vast majority of us are sending you strength and support, not to mention enormous amounts of sympathy.

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/10/2025 14:31

Pinkpolkadress · 29/10/2025 14:28

Thank you so much for all of your advice so far, I really appreciate it. I am so sorry to all of you who have been through a similar experience, especially those of you who weren’t able to tell anyone.
I am so glad that dd told me, and I plan to tell dh (without dd knowing). We will decide on a route forwards, together.
It is obvious that things need to change from now on. They will never again share a room, and even if it was a one-off (which I hope to goodness it really was), I will never again trust ds. I will arrange counselling for both of them, and hopefully we can somehow move forward through this nightmare.
Some of you have accused me of being passive, but I am actually sitting here shaking, and still stunned by what dd told me. I have a habit of being quite spontaneous, but I know that this delicate situation needs handling correctly if we are going to manage the trauma that has been caused for dd, and to help ds as well. Your comments have been very helpful, especially the posts with links and action plans. Really, thank you. MNHQ advised me to post in Relationships due to the excellent support given there, and I’m glad I did.

You must still report it formally - because if/when it gets disclosed (by DD's friends, or friends' parents or even DD herself to a teacher), you'll be in a very difficult position indeed if you've sat on it.

Saddm · 29/10/2025 14:32

Luckily most people on here have never been in our shoes op.
Digging a bit deeper dc who abuse have often been abused..
Sadly more to consider here op...
But your dd is imo minimising this. She needs professional help to be able to talk freely. And you won't be there...
Then I suggest family therapy. Which we weren't offered

Good luck op. .

Pricelessadvice · 29/10/2025 14:35

I’d be worried that more happened. Sometimes children will tell you bits to see how you react. It wouldn’t surprise me if there was more to this.

Im so sorry OP, this must be awful to deal with. I hope your daughter is ok.

Blueskiesandrainbows · 29/10/2025 14:36

CollsR · 29/10/2025 14:25

None of us actually know. Your guessing doesn't really help. As someone with knowledge of this subject said "Don't minimise and don't catastrophise". I'm tyring to walk that middle ground with my advise.

Show quote history

This calm sensible approach is just what you need, and from what you’ve just said above OP I think you’re definitely on the right track.
You’ve had a massive shock, I can’t begin to imagine the turmoil you must feel, Sending strength and support to you.

Zucker · 29/10/2025 14:37

Sounds like your daughter is worried about him coming home from uni which would likely mean there's more to this than she has told you so far. Strength to you all navigating this for her.

Parsleysalad · 29/10/2025 14:37

I'm glad you have got some great advice but I would also say you need to act quickly, especially as your DD has told her friends as otherwise you will be getting a knock at the door from the SS/Police before you have even told your husband let alone spoken to your son.

NConthe · 29/10/2025 14:41

So she told you before he came home and last night you’re all out for a meal?! She’s linking up with him and you’re just watching and saying nothing? Then you wanted to all go play happy families for the weekend and let him escape back off to uni on Sunday?

OP no. You can’t do that. She will clam up completely. It’s obvious that there is more to this. Otherwise she wouldn’t have been so scared of him coming back that she told her friends, who told her to tell her mum! With the expectation that her mum will act!

Gonnaenoe · 29/10/2025 14:41

Pinkpolkadress · 29/10/2025 12:35

Thank you, this is really helpful. I will talk to dh, I just don’t know when to do it. We have a big family event that we are all away for this weekend, and I’m not sure my dh will be able to pull himself together enough for it if I tell him beforehand. I feel sick about it. I know it is urgent that I tell him, but all this happened three years ago, so I think I will plan to tell him on Monday.
My priority through this is my daughter and her safety. We are spending a lot of time together at the moment, which is good for both of us. I need her to feel safe, and will do whatever I have to do to get her to that point.
I have no one to confide in in real life. I feel so ashamed of what has happened.

Show quote history

Your DD is still only 11. Your DS was 15 years old. She’s too young to hold the responsibility here and he was too old then to excuse any form of sexual behaviour to a child, let alone his own sister.

Speaking as someone who was sexually abused my older brother you absolutely need to act in your daughters interests. You cannot brush this away and you absolutely cannot talk about how great your DS is to his “many female friends” - that isn’t helpful and it doesn’t change what he did or what it makes him.

I’m sorry but your very young daughter has lived with this for years and is minimising the impact. I did the same. I didn’t tell my mum until I was 17 and I also begged her not to speak to my brother about it. Begged her. I just wanted her to understand why things were hard for me with him sometimes. Years later she got his full confession but essentially excused it and vilified me for being suddenly overwhelmed trying to process the trauma. This was at a much older age and attempting to navigate consensual sexual situations and relationships.

Incest and CSA are two extreme traumatising events. Your daughter needs to see that her safety is the most important thing to you. You excusing it and brushing it away because she “doesn’t seem too bothered by it” is going to do irreparable damage to that poor little girl.

You will teach her that when men do these things, even to CHILDREN, it should be pushed down and ignored until more convenient times. That generally “good men” can do what they like behind closed doors because we can’t go rocking the boat. You will teach her that she isn’t worth rocking the boat for. That your image of your perfect kind loving son is more important than all the pain she’s carrying.

The pain she is pretending not to carry because it’s far too heavy and far too difficult to understand.

Saddm · 29/10/2025 14:43

Mind blown you are concerned about a family event....

Gonnaenoe · 29/10/2025 14:48

Saddm · 29/10/2025 14:43

Mind blown you are concerned about a family event....

I’m genuinely so sickened, I’ve actually just shed tears thinking about that poor 11 year old child.

She’s still not old enough to fully understand what happened or comprehend the trauma and the only adult she’s been brave enough to tell can’t prioritise her.

azafata2 · 29/10/2025 14:49

Hi

Had your son maybe seen something, saw porn on the internet, spoke to mates about girls, sex etc??? He will need understanding too. He will be really upset as well I can imagine. Watch out for him too. Young guys can really struggle with things like this...I know he was 15 but I have worked with young people from 11 - 16 for many years and there is always a background story/something happened/exposed to something not great. He is also still your son.

Gonnaenoe · 29/10/2025 14:50

OP you also need to consider that your son may be “so nice to all his many female friends” because they aren’t what excite him. At 15 years old he turned to his 8 year old sister for sexual gratification.

Original poster
Pinkpolkadress · 29/10/2025 14:51

NConthe · 29/10/2025 14:41

So she told you before he came home and last night you’re all out for a meal?! She’s linking up with him and you’re just watching and saying nothing? Then you wanted to all go play happy families for the weekend and let him escape back off to uni on Sunday?

OP no. You can’t do that. She will clam up completely. It’s obvious that there is more to this. Otherwise she wouldn’t have been so scared of him coming back that she told her friends, who told her to tell her mum! With the expectation that her mum will act!

She actually told her friends a few months ago during a truth or dare game. She told me just before we left to collect ds from the station.
I am not brushing it under the carpet, but I do need to work out the best way forward. DD’s safety is paramount - she knows that I am taking it seriously. I do also need to talk to professionals and get support in place for ds before we talk to him about it. He has not been in a good place mentally for a long time, and I do not want him harming himself because of how we’ve dealt with it. Somehow I would like to try to get through this by helping both of them.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/10/2025 14:51

They will never again share a room,

Was that the plan for while he was home?

Original poster
Pinkpolkadress · 29/10/2025 14:54

diddl · 29/10/2025 14:51

They will never again share a room,

Was that the plan for while he was home?

No, they have separate rooms at home. When we go away dd choses to share a room with ds. This will never happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkpolkadress · 29/10/2025 14:55

Gonnaenoe · 29/10/2025 14:48

I’m genuinely so sickened, I’ve actually just shed tears thinking about that poor 11 year old child.

She’s still not old enough to fully understand what happened or comprehend the trauma and the only adult she’s been brave enough to tell can’t prioritise her.

Show quote history

This is not true. She is the priority.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkpolkadress · 29/10/2025 14:56

Blueskiesandrainbows · 29/10/2025 14:36

This calm sensible approach is just what you need, and from what you’ve just said above OP I think you’re definitely on the right track.
You’ve had a massive shock, I can’t begin to imagine the turmoil you must feel, Sending strength and support to you.

Show quote history

Thank you so much. This thread has really helped me to figure out a way forward.

OP posts: