DH has told me I should make some friends

[BrainItch]

My DH and I have been hitting a bumpy patch of late. I do love him and he is my life partner but he’s told me to go make some friends and this has made me feel upset as it’s much harder in reality.

We both work full time, domestically he pulls his weight however we have different ideas on the standard of living we are comfortable with. his is much lower than mine, so he puts himself under extra pressure to meet my standard - even though I am not nagging at him at all. Generally my higher standards are a ‘me’ problem - if I want a job done for my own peace of mind I will just do it myself. I am a home person, happy to just be in my lovely house.

We have high outgoings due to our mortgage so we don’t have much extra cash to go do special fun things with, so a lot of our activities are either indoors or freebies outside such as an outdoor physical activity. I don’t mind this - I grew up very poor as a child and young adult so I am not well travelled and very much make the best of what you have got. Plus I like being outside and being active. I exercise regularly for my mental and physical health. DH does not do any exercise.

I am a manager at work so I do not have barely any real friends from the workplace I would or can socialise with. It’s just the nature of my role, you can’t be friends with the people you manage. I have a high pressure job and it’s not entertaining dinner party chat, it is public service so can be depressing/negative/political. I tend to not talk to DH about work at all as he finds it ‘draining’.

DH has loads of friends, mostly from school and he sees and talks to them all the time, plus friends at work he hangs out with.

I have one close friend who I have known since school and I don’t see her that much as she is very busy. She works in a similar sector to me and also likes running so we have things in common.

Most of my other friendships or acquaintances fell away when I had children. Your kids aren’t very interesting to other people and I am not much of a party animal so people stopped inviting me out on boozy events. It then became hard to make new friends and now I virtually have none. Our kids are older now so I’m not longer friends with the other parents as no one stays in touch.

DH appears to find my topics of conversation frustrating. He doesn’t exercise so we have nothing in common there when I am talking about a PB, plus he finds my line of work depressing to hear about. I got very upset about this and his suggestion is to make new friends. I understand the concept but how do I do this?

I’m at work all day with people I can’t be friends with. I do go to exercise classes during the week and people are friendly and I smile and chit chat but I don’t think they are looking for new friends? I think I have just got used to not really having many friends and the idea is quite daunting and overwhelming

So he's basically saying please make a friend so I dont have to listen to you or make time for you or do stuff with you?

So he finds you ‘depressing’ and ‘frustrating’. He doesn’t do much housework and he’s a lazy so and so!

He’s right about one thing, you do need to make some friends, if only to get away from his miserable presence for an hour or two!

What about a running group? I hear they’re very sociable.

He didn’t say it like this exactly but it came from a conversation where I said he looked bored when I was talking to him, and he responded that I just talk At Him. I said he was free to engage back and forth with me but he said it wasn’t a topic he had much to say on. I got very upset as I felt he was calling me boring, he said that’s not what he meant but I should go make some friends and then I would have positive stories

Plus he says I gossip too much about people and he’s not interested in that either. Maybe I do I am not sure. It’s really hard to know what to talk to him about

I agree with pp's that it sounds like you have 2 separate issues

• having friends and some social interaction is usually beneficial to most people so actually probably isn't a bad idea. If anything happened to your dh sounds like you'd be very lonely. I agree normal gym classes often don't have that much scope for chatting but maybe try something more interactive like a running group? Or a completely different type of class - learning a language or making something?

Jan will probably be a good time to start as a few newbies at the same time. Depending on where you live there are usually fb and meet up groups for almost every interest and age group.

• however, the way you've worded his suggestion isn't great - if he really said it like that -.that he wants you to make friends because he cba listening to you talk, then that's really rude. I'm sure he chats about his work and friends and family and the football results (or whatever he's interested in) and you reply politely rather than saying "I couldn't care less, talk to your mate about it."

Maybe suggest you start doing an activity together where you can both meet people and have something to talk about, as well as you doing something independently.

Yes I am thinking about this as joining a running club but I am nervous about it.

Really thinking about it I had a friendship end very badly some years back and I am so cautious of opening up to someone again in case I get hurt. I had a very close friend but I didn’t spot the warning signs they were using me and when I put in a boundary to stand up to them they turned on me

I just do my own thing in my little bubble. I get lots of social interaction at work all day every day. I don’t feel lonely and don’t mind my own company either.

When I was single before I met DH I didn’t have a ton of friends just a few

Besides the social aspect, how about you reconnect with your fun side?

Yes, this. Your life sounds currently very glum, OP.

I’m not sure the ott posts at the beginning of the thread are really correct.

i do think having friends is often a positive impact on our lives, and am surprised you immediately jumped to opening up. You don’t do this till you know someone very welll in the meantime you get to know them, enjoy spending time with them in activities you both enjoy.

its hard to say if your husband is just intolerant, or if he really is your only social outlet so you just talk at him as you’re lonely. Yes he should engage on things that interest you, but conversation is a two way thing, and you should also be discussing what interests him. He seems to be saying you just gossip and go in about exercise, and for most people there comes a point, maybe after years , you say ok find a friend. You will both have a different view point on this.

so id say join your club, try to make friends, but do not think that as soon as you get on with someone it’s time to open up and unburden yourself. That comes further down the line.

Maybe to you but I don’t feel glum, I am fine?

What suits others might not suit me. I am in my 40’s now and the majority of people still want to go out get wasted on weekends and that is not what I want to do. I am in clubs and classes, I have social interaction I am not lonely or sad. I speak to people all day long at work.

I really don’t feel lonely or missing having close friends.

The only friends I don’t have are close deep ones, I see people all the time. I chat most of the day. I’m friendly to anyone I meet.

If he doesn’t like your topics of conversation - what would he like to talk about? Or doesn’t he talk to you at all?
If you don’t do much together or have shared interests, it’s much harder for you to have things to talk about. Can you afford a few more outings?

I don’t know where you’re getting the idea that the ‘majority of people’ want to ‘get wasted’ at weekends? Or are you imagining that’s the sole alternative to your life of work, housework, exercise and a single friend you don’t often see?

The friend group I had before this was all they do. They stopped inviting me out. I would invite them to do other things of course. I did say this higher up

I also had some mum friends and they also mostly just wanted to go out to let their hair down at weekends. I’m at work all week so I can’t do the whole lunch/coffee shop meet up

I wish I had not posted now as this is what puts me off this kind of thing, everyone picking me apart makes me feel a lot worse. It’s easier to live in your little bubble. my DH thinks I’m boring and people I ask for support just say mean things like I’m glum and he’s right.

Slightly different circumstances but I was very much like you 10 years ago. I had nobody apart from a best friend who'd go through periods of ghosting me. As I felt she was my only friend, I put up with it.

Met DH and I felt I was constantly with him as I had no real friends.

Joined a craft group but was very nervous as my confidence was so low. My confidence slowly grew and I became more outgoing. I now have different groups of friends.

I'd really recommend trying a new group. The one i joined is £20 a month (knitting). I learnt a new skill, made new friends of varying ages and my confidence to make new friends has grown too.

Just a positive story 🙂

Have you looked at Meet up @BrainItch ? The running club sounds good. There's also usually local social groups on Facebook.

It's a shame but sounds like you and dh are very different socially. Do you ever go walking together?

@BrainItch ignore the negative ones. You always get them. Focus on those who want to help.

It’s absolutely ok for you to be happy in your ‘bubble’ .
however , I wonder if you have more of a relationship issue . You can love each other but slowly drift apart as your vision of what a happy and fulfilled life looks like.

Thanks for the suggestions I do think my confidence is lower now and needs building up. I have never had social anxiety before but DH’s feedback has made me question everything about myself

I will look on meet up

I'm a fellow introvert, and your life doesn't sound at all glum to me. But your husband doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Possibly, now your children are older you should be focusing more on whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your precious life with.

Do you want to make new friends? It’s ok if you don’t. You don’t have to do it just because your DH says so. If you are happy as you are then that’s ok.

@BrainItch I think you have had some harsh responses on here. I don’t drink and it’s hard being the only sober person sometimes. I have made some good friends through exercise classes and other bits like pottery.
it’s hard putting yourself out there when you are older.

It can be very difficult.

i moved areas two years ago and knew nobody in the new area. It’s very hard to put yourself out there.

I was also a teacher so often drained after work!

I joined a couple of exercise groups - in my case swimming rather than running. It’s very open - turn up at x time, have a swim and then breakfast at the pub.

maybe try some running groups? A friend of mine got involved with a running club and has made friends.

You sound like me, a homebody who is quite happy in her own company. My friends have to be comfortable sitting in silence reading books together or just going for long ponderous walks - I'm well past getting pissed and tearing up the town lmao.

I also catch myself talking at my husband sometimes. Can't help it, think it's probably a little bit of ND on my part - if I get going on something I'm interested in I'll just keep rolling with it until he tells me to shush. I talked his ear off about Badminton horse trials for 15 minutes this weekend before I realised he'd glazed over and not responded once.

First issue, friends. Friends are good, even if you are a homebody. Join a running club, a craft group, a ladies social, whatever you can find. I found one of my ride or die best friends at a church crochet club.

Second issue, husband. So he's not interested in your job or exercise. What do you have in common? Can you focus your chats with him around that? Sometimes I really want to talk to my husband about the benefits of metal knitting needles over wood, but I choose to talk to him about the latest episode of a spooky podcast we both listen to.

It's about give and take!

you could definitely have friends from work

Just getting a whole load of reasons why you're boring and your kids are boring and your hobby is boring.

Also you say that your husband said that your conversational skills are not very good. Have you tried asking other people about their lives rather than just telling them about yours? It's an easy rut to get into