DH has told me I should make some friends

[BrainItch]

My DH and I have been hitting a bumpy patch of late. I do love him and he is my life partner but he’s told me to go make some friends and this has made me feel upset as it’s much harder in reality.

We both work full time, domestically he pulls his weight however we have different ideas on the standard of living we are comfortable with. his is much lower than mine, so he puts himself under extra pressure to meet my standard - even though I am not nagging at him at all. Generally my higher standards are a ‘me’ problem - if I want a job done for my own peace of mind I will just do it myself. I am a home person, happy to just be in my lovely house.

We have high outgoings due to our mortgage so we don’t have much extra cash to go do special fun things with, so a lot of our activities are either indoors or freebies outside such as an outdoor physical activity. I don’t mind this - I grew up very poor as a child and young adult so I am not well travelled and very much make the best of what you have got. Plus I like being outside and being active. I exercise regularly for my mental and physical health. DH does not do any exercise.

I am a manager at work so I do not have barely any real friends from the workplace I would or can socialise with. It’s just the nature of my role, you can’t be friends with the people you manage. I have a high pressure job and it’s not entertaining dinner party chat, it is public service so can be depressing/negative/political. I tend to not talk to DH about work at all as he finds it ‘draining’.

DH has loads of friends, mostly from school and he sees and talks to them all the time, plus friends at work he hangs out with.

I have one close friend who I have known since school and I don’t see her that much as she is very busy. She works in a similar sector to me and also likes running so we have things in common.

Most of my other friendships or acquaintances fell away when I had children. Your kids aren’t very interesting to other people and I am not much of a party animal so people stopped inviting me out on boozy events. It then became hard to make new friends and now I virtually have none. Our kids are older now so I’m not longer friends with the other parents as no one stays in touch.

DH appears to find my topics of conversation frustrating. He doesn’t exercise so we have nothing in common there when I am talking about a PB, plus he finds my line of work depressing to hear about. I got very upset about this and his suggestion is to make new friends. I understand the concept but how do I do this?

I’m at work all day with people I can’t be friends with. I do go to exercise classes during the week and people are friendly and I smile and chit chat but I don’t think they are looking for new friends? I think I have just got used to not really having many friends and the idea is quite daunting and overwhelming

I wouldn’t dwell too much on what he said, he likely didn’t intend to upset you. If you are content in your life you don’t need to change anything, you sound pretty happy, decent job, lots of social activities, lots of interacting with people etc. I offload to my husband about my job in great boring detail all the time. I know he’s not interested and I’ll say no matter how bored you are I’m going to carry on til I’m done and then I feel better for getting it off my chest, I couldn’t care less whether he’s interested or not x

I think I am very similar to yourself in that I am happy to enjoy my own company. I absolutely loved lock down in that I didn’t have to go to parties etc but hated how it destroyed people’s lives etc. I am retired but do lots of grandparent childcare and volunteer weekly and get my social fix from that mostly. I am chatty and friendly I feel but don’t have many close friends. I also don’t let people get too close to me, probably as a result of being a forces child and moving around so much. I think your husband probably didn’t mean to be so cruel. You have to learn to love yourself and appreciate your uniqueness. Take care.

OP, you sound very intuitive.
He has been nasty and unkind.
You are not wrong to take a step back and think very carefully about who you are with.
Don't you change for him, but definitely look at him hard.
He sounds like a nasty, petty, slob, jealous of your discipline and energy.
He's a deadweight.

You wouldn't be the first woman to start doing sports only to find out their partner is not only disinterested but also discouraging. What do you still like about him? What do you think he likes about you?

Join a team sport with a good social side. Then consider divorcing the twat.

You sound perfectly normal but he sounds like a nasty piece of work - only you know if he can change or if it’s worth saving your relationship. He will gradually wear you down until you have no self esteem. I think you’ll be happier without him.

OP I just wanted to say I'm very similar to you and I think you may also have a tendency to be oversensitive to perceived rejection - I've found that opening myself up has helped me form better and deeper friendships. But I'm still selective about who I let in, there's plenty of interesting people out there who I can be authentic around.

I do think fundamentally you may be just too different to your DH for there to be a long future ahead for the pair of you. There are men out there who would love to hear about what book you're reading, cheer you on at parkrun and listen or dance to the tunes you love. It's not a character flaw on your end that these are the things that bring you joy.

I agree with the idea that it is good to have more friends, but not for the sake of pleasing him. Sometimes abuse can look like it is coming from a good place, but actually there is more hidden that comes out later. For now, I would put myself in situations in work and outside of work where you can make new friendships.

None of what I said confirms he is abusive, but I would keep an eye out to see if anything else seems a bit controlling or out of place.

He's right OP.

No man - or woman - is an island.

I don’t think your life sounds glum at all and I think some posters are being unnecessarily harsh. I think it’s also an issue to consider whether your dh is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Im also not terribly social, have one close friend and a couple of friends who I see periodically and there’s no obligation to spend tonnes of time with. I’m busy with family life and work (also in my 40’s) and am quite happy with my own company. I have a dh who is of the same mindset so it works well. At home we have our own interests, I’m happy reading and watching shows and pottering on with house stuff. He’s happy with diy bits and gaming and watching his shows.

But she’s not. She’s said numerous times she’s out 3 nights a week and often at weekends too.

It sounds like you are more social and active than your husband tbh, so maybe he needs to take a leaf out of his own book!

I think you sound fine to me and if you are happy, that’s all that matters. I do think maybe cut down on the gossip though.

You don't sound very compatible, so the fact you don't have friends and also have an incompatible / not very nice partner is a bit alarming OP.

You might want / need some friends if your relationship doesn't run the distance.

Now you are saying he was nasty, trying to gaslight you. I could be wrong in reading you, but it seems you are overreacting. And if you think he called you boring because he wants you to make friends, then you are doing the same in this post especially in the part highlighted below.

He is slow paced, and he gets frustrated that I don’t enjoy the slow pace ie lying in bed all weekend (I find this really quite tedious and uncomfortable) as I would get up and go for a run early.

@Trendyname ok cool 👍 and yes Sherlock Holmes, he was mean as he snapped at me and had an outburst when providing this information.

We had a discussion about this, mainly that I did not see how me going out of the house more and spending more time away from him was going to improve our compatibility as a couple, and how was this going to help him tolerate me, or change me.

I explained that I socialise all the time and already have other interests that don’t include him. Basically he pities me as he thinks I should have the traditional stereotypical friendships (like from you know, the movies or something) as he thinks this is what would make me happy and my happiness is his priority 🙄. I explained the impact of more time apart and if he had thought it though. It’s likely we will become further apart if I am out of the house all week. I also said I was concerned he would also find my new friends boring or dramatic or gossipy so I might not be in any better position than I started out, plus he won’t know them, so it will be me talking more boring topics or having a whole life I don’t speak about.

I explained I wasn’t unhappy in the first place and I don’t appreciate anyone telling me how I feel or micromanaging my life

I brought up that we have zero shared activities as a couple apart from watching TV, so the lack of happiness or the lack of positivity appeared to be between us, as he has brought up. When we are together we have nothing much to engage our brains and appear to have a compatibility issue.

I’ve left this with him now as I’m still really hurt. I will go to a club and if I make a friend there I do, but it’s just not something I feel I desperately need to invest my energy in. My relationship is the biggest issue but I need him to want to invest time and energy into it.

I just don’t like being around him right now and this has never happened in our relationship before.

My Friends - I do have friends just DH has made me think my friendships are not good enough

I have one friend from school. She is my closest friend. We text but don’t meet up all that often. I am fine with this. If I needed her she would be there. I even go away with her once a year to a planned event. Partly why I am learning to run is so that I can run with her as an activity we can do together. She inspired me.

DH has met her and her DH as we used to go out as couples, but if I’m honest, I don’t think he likes them very much so I stopped organising it.

She introduced me to her other friends so I do chat to them via text they have a group where people send memes etc

I have 3 people at work I get on very well with. We would tell each other more in depth info, personal stuff. 2 of them are more senior to me so there is still the weird invisible line but I have emotional connections with them, one of them is much deeper, we probably would socialise outside of work but we just don’t initiate it because we are busy with our families. DH would not like me to hang out with them outside of work because we would talk about work.

I have a sister and SIL’s. I can talk to them, and I socialise with them but people just have their own busy lives so it’s not that frequent or it’s with the kids.

I have some old friends I chat with from time to time on social media, we just don’t meet up

DH’s friends - I get on really well with them all and no issues (some married some not).

I go to classes and smile and chat with people. I was hoping the more I go, the more chatty people will get

I have emotional connections with other people. I’m not a cold fish. I just don’t have a sex in the city bestie who I drink cocktails and coffee with and gossip all day

Having read this, it just seems as though you are really just very different people.

Aside rom being able to socialise with work friends, I think you and I would be quite similar in our approaches. I have found a lot of what you have said quite familiar.

He does things very differently.

He has expressed a perspective of finding your approach boring or draining but you also find aspects of the way he differs from you 'tedious'.

That's not a criticism- just an observation from.what you've said.

The differences don't have to be a problem - my partner has a lot of friends from his childhood and teenage years and is easily able to make more. He is well liked and it sometimes feels he can walk through a room and have made a new friend by the time he's got to the other side! He just seems to fit in easily with others and they like him 🤷🏻‍♀️

But we do a lot together. I think you are right and that this is probably the part you and he need to work on and develop.

But this part My Friends - I do have friends just DH has made me think my friendships are not good enough how has he been able to make you feel like that? If you are happy with your friendships and social interacrions, why does it bother you so much what he thinks? Not suggesting that you're not being honest with yourself about how you really feel more asking why has has the ability to make you feel bad about something you are fundamentally happy with?

@GreyCarpet he wants to lie in bed all day, I don’t, so I don’t. I don’t tell him I think he’s boring, I find it boring to do it. That’s not me belittling him or trying to put him down. I don’t think it’s the same thing. He wants me to stay in the bed with him and I am getting hot and uncomfortable, so I get up. I meet my own needs without needing to stop him doing his own thing.

We are not very varied as a couple, all we do is watch TV together. Even on a walk I am enjoying myself looking at the pretty leaves and chatting away but I don’t get much back from him I think he is just walking with me out of duty. I even tried recently to take up an activity he said he would like to do, and we got to the point of me nearly buying the equipment I needed, and he changed his mind.

Not being rude about him because it’s his preference, but I think we don’t see our free time the same way, he wants to sit or lie down and I want to be out and about.

The reason I would need new friends is so he could enjoy sitting around without feeling obliged to be with me. For example when I brought up cheering me on at a parkrun, he can’t think of anything he would like to do less, so he needs to offload me onto other people who would enjoy that.

@GreyCarpet I have also explained to him what public service roles take from you - they can expose you to the worst side of human behaviour very frequently. I am jaded by other humans but usually this means I do not want to sit and watch TV shows about people killing or hurting other people when I get home.

He completes a work project with very little drama and gets a nice sense of satisfaction whereas I am never getting that sense of completing anything, because it’s just fire fighting all day.

He thinks I do not get enough joy in life so I should make friends to bring me joy. I explain I try to make or find my own joy rather than rely on other people to provide it to me. A friend may not even bring me more joy, it might bring me drama, commitment, what if they have lots of their own problems and I am drawn into that? I don’t mind making connections with new people to engage in general conversation, but I don’t need to undertake an X factor audition show for new best friends

The more you post about your marriage, the more ill-suited you sound, OP.

That's my thought, tbh.

You just sound really incompatible to me, OP.

Again, no criticism.

I work in a public sector role and believe me, I really do get that!

My partner earns similarly but his job is finished once he's done for the day. So I get that too.

And it doesn't really matter if you tell him you find his way of living boring. That's not really the important bit. The fact you do is what will make it draining for you.

I'm not sure if you've said but do you have children? How long have you been together?

Is there a chance that the relationship has just run it's course?

Seriously, I get it right down to the being excited by the leaves on a walk. You're immersed in the whole sensory experience (I am anyway). For him, the experience is no more than putting one foot in front of the other.

He engages with the world completely differently to you in every way.

Yes and the more this goes on the more I start to think he’s the secretly depressed one, and dragging me down with him makes him feel better about himself. He is telling me I don’t get enough joy from life when I am getting plenty of joy from autumn leaves and great bands, and nothing seems to give him any joy at all.

He was not like this when I met him. He was pretty active and excited about life. So we did not start out incompatible

OP

I am not really seeing a you problem here. But a him and you problem and problems he has with you. (But ultimately they are his problems)

I see myself in you quite a bit. I also run and probably bore my DH with my stories and stats 😄 but he laughs and asks questions even though he has no interest in it at all. He does this because he loves me and is interested in me and what makes me happy. I'm sure he also thinks I'm nutty (I am) but in an endearing way. He celebrates all my achievements with me even though he has no interest in it. He has watched me go from a very overweight person who wouldn't run for a bus to running 3 times a week and weighing a lot less. He is proud of me and loves me therefore he shows interest for me. If I'm making sense?

I have my best friend who I run with and I can chat with also.

The more things I read from you, the more it felt like you exhaust him and he just wants you out of the way...sounds awful and I don't know either of you but from what you've said and how you've said you have felt.....well this is what is coming across.

Also.you are right, you leaving the house for even more activities just means even more time you spend apart and more time your interests together wane. It really sounds like he is desperately trying to get rid of you.

And when you got upset and he said about you taking it the wrong way, why couldn't he reassure you rather than basically, accuse you of being too sensitive 🙄

Re Parkrun also, not sure if there were more comments about this, but Parkrun isn't an ability thing. I started my running at Parkrun. I was almost 5 stone heavier than I am now. I was slow and red and very unfit. My point being it's for everyone, any speed, any ability, they even have parkwalk as part of it all now too. I don't actually go that often now but mostly because of my health issues I struggle to run for more than 3 times a week and that's what I do with my friend and what I enjoy. So have to put a cap on it somewhere.

Please do not join a running club because he thinks it's what you should do. Also you seem to be doing this because he's made you question yourself.

I felt sad by your post because you weren't unhappy until he spoke to you and now you're questioning yourself and that hit home with me I think.

PS I knew exactly what you meant about music and feelings etc. that made me smile even if your DH didn't get it. I'm always pointing out beautiful leaves and trees and views and all sorts of amazing things. Are you me?

It is really suffocating though if your partner is solely dependent on you for their social life.

Op, do you not have fellow managers at work you could get to know?

Could you do some volunteering? I have made good friends that way and we often go out for dinner after our volunteering

Or why don't you both start doing some travelling? Your world does sound very small and limited