DH has told me I should make some friends

[BrainItch]

My DH and I have been hitting a bumpy patch of late. I do love him and he is my life partner but he’s told me to go make some friends and this has made me feel upset as it’s much harder in reality.

We both work full time, domestically he pulls his weight however we have different ideas on the standard of living we are comfortable with. his is much lower than mine, so he puts himself under extra pressure to meet my standard - even though I am not nagging at him at all. Generally my higher standards are a ‘me’ problem - if I want a job done for my own peace of mind I will just do it myself. I am a home person, happy to just be in my lovely house.

We have high outgoings due to our mortgage so we don’t have much extra cash to go do special fun things with, so a lot of our activities are either indoors or freebies outside such as an outdoor physical activity. I don’t mind this - I grew up very poor as a child and young adult so I am not well travelled and very much make the best of what you have got. Plus I like being outside and being active. I exercise regularly for my mental and physical health. DH does not do any exercise.

I am a manager at work so I do not have barely any real friends from the workplace I would or can socialise with. It’s just the nature of my role, you can’t be friends with the people you manage. I have a high pressure job and it’s not entertaining dinner party chat, it is public service so can be depressing/negative/political. I tend to not talk to DH about work at all as he finds it ‘draining’.

DH has loads of friends, mostly from school and he sees and talks to them all the time, plus friends at work he hangs out with.

I have one close friend who I have known since school and I don’t see her that much as she is very busy. She works in a similar sector to me and also likes running so we have things in common.

Most of my other friendships or acquaintances fell away when I had children. Your kids aren’t very interesting to other people and I am not much of a party animal so people stopped inviting me out on boozy events. It then became hard to make new friends and now I virtually have none. Our kids are older now so I’m not longer friends with the other parents as no one stays in touch.

DH appears to find my topics of conversation frustrating. He doesn’t exercise so we have nothing in common there when I am talking about a PB, plus he finds my line of work depressing to hear about. I got very upset about this and his suggestion is to make new friends. I understand the concept but how do I do this?

I’m at work all day with people I can’t be friends with. I do go to exercise classes during the week and people are friendly and I smile and chit chat but I don’t think they are looking for new friends? I think I have just got used to not really having many friends and the idea is quite daunting and overwhelming

Yes obviously.

no I can’t have friends. I have to be their manager

I think it's hard because I can understand a lot of what he says.

It's not about you having friends so you can talk to them about your boring job and gossip. More that if you had friends and fun, you'd naturally have more positive and interesting things to talk about.

You've got to have the opportunity to make friends and meet people, though.

My job is very stressful and I do offload to my partner. But the only people I socialise with regularly are colleagues and its really hard to not just end up talking about work again.

I’m certainly not ‘picking you apart’, only pointing out that you’re generalising about other people wanting to get wasted at weekends on the basis of a group of former friends — I don’t think most people in their 40s do. I think you’re protecting yourself from potential rejection by thinking that everyone else is a party animal.

And I only have your account of your life to go on. You describe a high-pressure job that can be ‘draining’ and ‘negative’, housework to ‘high standards’, exercise, and only your DH to talk to. He’s clearly signalling that he can’t be your only social/emotional outlet, and thinks you need other peoole in your life other than him. I don’t think he’s wrong. I think marriages are stronger and happier when they’re not either person’s sole source of company/support/affection.

@BrainItch I wonder if your reticence to even consider friends at work or other environments is because you have been hurt before. It’s making you dismiss things out of hand.

@GreyCarpet in the light of day I agree this is probably more what he meant, and just came across really badly.

He means I would have more topics of conversation as mine appear to be very limited in his eyes.

I don’t offload to him about work at all anymore.

We do have things we enjoy doing together yes but I haven’t had time to work on this yet. It’s mostly TV shows or movies or food

I did not know how he felt about my topics of conversations until now.

He does come out for walks but 9/10 he has some kind of physical ailment which makes it uncomfortable for him so it’s something I would tend to do alone.

He likes to watch a lot of TV and I don’t tend to enjoy that as much.

I like reading but I am not very crafty or creative. He doesn’t read

He doesn’t have any hobbies, and I do. I am out of his way 3 nights a week at the gym and on the weekends I will also do my own thing for a couple of hours so it’s not like I am glomming on him 24/7 or sitting around waiting for him.

@FajitaNightCap I have the option of reconnecting with all of those friends but ultimately nothing has changed, they just want to go out drinking. My sister is similar age she’s the same. My SIL’s usually are also just socialising with alcohol. I think it’s very common in this age group. I’m not projecting. I need new friends to find people in my circle who don’t want to do this. I was explaining that.

I did not say I only had my DH to talk to. That is what he thinks. I talk to people all day long. I get plenty of conversation. I also talk to him and he is bothered by it. I wasn’t aware of an issue

OP is your husband kind to you? I couldn’t be more different to mine but he likes me - living without that eats away at you and I wonder if that is a bigger issue. I would much rather run with you, discuss a book and talk about your demanding public sector role. I suspect your husband is a bit dull, still living it up with his old school mates - how very gauche. I mean not really but if he wants to hand out the judgements he can take it back… What is he doing to invest in your relationship and conversation? How does he engage you?

on the other issue of friends - they are great so make some. Go slowly and join that running club and a different one if you don’t like it. Find a peer at work who you could connect with and go for tea and I suppose the obvious one is a book club. Get out there and enjoy yourself one session at a time

He’s not a particularly ‘d’h. He’s a selfish arse who has no interest in you and doesn’t care about you

It's good you aren't lonely. Your h does sound a bit cruel. I'd have been really hurt too. Although I'd have had a good as I don't take any shit.

I only suggested meet up etc as I thought you did want to meet new people. Please only do that for you. Not for him. Your life sounds great as it is and you sound busy.

You sound like a really good egg op. Mumsnet is a brutal place sometimes, be careful letting this thread shred your confidence. And thank you for your hard work in the public sector by the way.
I love that you exercise, it sounds like you are very socially stimulated and need your downtime. Your husband also sounds a little bit dull? Like tv, old friend groups, not exercising… that’s fine if you’re both happy with it, but I don’t see that it’s fair for you to be told you are defective in some way. He has a problem with you guys not connecting, but he’s just externalising that and pushing it on to you rather than taking ownership and exploring for himself what it is he needs which he isn’t getting. I’m sure he’s not trying to be a shit bag but it doesn’t sound like the most skilful thing to say to you and I’m not surprised you’re feeling upset about it. Definitely consider working on trust with friends, maybe with a therapist or something, but aside from that, I think you sound like a very functional person who does not need their confidence to be kicked around loads.

If a running club feels daunting what about parkrun? You can run or volunteer (or both) and you would meet people with similar interests to you. It’s not an ongoing commitment but you can get as involved as you want to

As a lazy slob, I don’t understand how you would make friends in an exercise or running scenario. I mean, you can’t have much of a conversation while you’re doing those activities can you? I think you need to find FEMALE friends, I would say a book club, film club etc offers more opportunity to talk and get to know people. Obviously you don’t want to fill up your precious non-work time with random stuff you might not like but maybe you could sacrifice an exercise session for something more for your Brain/mouth

@BrainItch I think you’re fine. It’s your DH I have issues with. Me and my DP are similar in that he is far more social than I am. But, he would never say something so unkind. If he did genuinely think I needed to get out more he’d say it kindly. Not in a ‘find someone else to talk to because I don’t want to listen’ kind of way - that’s very hurtful. I do think giving the running club would be good, but not because you need more friends - just it’s nice to do something with like-minded people.
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I think you sounds great, OP, and there’s nothing wrong with your life at all. Some people just have lower social needs than others. We’re all different. But it does sound like your husband wasn’t very kind in his he expressed himself. That’s the only part of your post that gave me pause. Is he usually nice to you?

Your life sounds great, OP. I love that you love exercise and have hobbies. Do you want friends?
I am an introverted homebody, I’d rather chit chat with acquaintances and do things than get really deep.
people probably find that odd, but they usually aren’t introverted

Hi op,

I get it. Although I'm not seeing what your husband is bringing to the table to enliven conversations and keep the bond between you alive. He strikes me as the dull one! It reads as though you have to edit yourself at home, where you should feel most at ease - and that leaves me feeling sad for you. And it's hard to tease out whether that's a you problem (talking about topics at length) or not. Going by your description of your husband, though, I'm failing to understand what's keeping the bond between you together - and what's his role in this? I don't see why you should seek out the company of others if you are perfectly satisfied with your home comforts. And I don't think you need to defend what you like to do (or not do) if it suits you.

I'm a runner and joined a club two years ago. I now sit on the committee, and it's become my main social outlet (I'm single, btw). Whilst it can be a solitary pursuit, even when running with others, the people I meet at races etc,. have added so much to my life. Not just in terms of relationships, but the places I've been to and the type of events I've signed up for. And it's taken time to evolve from turning every Wednesday evening to actually forming friendships that stick. I say that because 'join a club' is not an overnight friend fix. You're more likely to meet people you click with through the pursuit of doing stuff you like. But you know this already.

Maybe the real question here is what would actually happen if you didn't find new friends/an outlet? And can you be your happiest self if your husband doesn't make any attempt to meet you halfway.,

That has nothing to do with introversion. An introvert, as long as they were well-rested socially (ie, had enough time alone to recharge since their last social event) could be the life and soul of the party, socially-confident, delighting in company and friendships etc. The only difference between them and the extrovert who may present identically in company, is that the extrovert could do that every night of the week without depletion, whereas the introvert would need time to recover in between socialising.

Obviously, you will also come across extroverts who struggle with friendships and introverts who are shy and socially awkward, but that’s not fundamentally to do with their introversion or extroversion.

OP, I think your husband isn’t concerned with you ‘being out of his way’, I think he’s clearly saying that he doesn’t want to be your sole source of support. And I think you should take that seriously, as part of your marriage continuing to function. I adore my DH and we have a strong marriage, but I certainly wouldn’t want to be his sole emotional outlet, and I don’t think it would be at all good for either of us. Chatting with colleagues you manage isn’t the same.

I suppose the crux is that he’s saying ‘I think you need people properly in your life other than me’ and you don’t want any.

The older I get, the more I realise that most men - and I include your DH in that OP and also mine - aren’t interested in things that don’t impact them or aren’t directly related to their personal interests.

Whereas women are interested in things that impact their loved ones and happy to engage in conversation about things not particularly relevant to them.

My DH once told me that he didn’t particularly want to hear about my work. I took umbrage and said fine, then I’m not interested in listening to you talking about your football team, your previous military career or your hobby group. So then what do we talk about? He apologised later on to be fair.

In the end, if you can’t offload to your DH or share anecdotes about your daily routine then who can you share them with? And that goes both ways.

You know that you can be friends with people you manage? Plenty of people make it work.

Well, yes to your final question, but I don’t think a spouse should ever be anyone’s sole source of support, and their sole conversational outlet about things that matter to them. A marriage is much stronger when both people have other relationships that nourish them.

This absolutely may not be relevant to you, OP, none of us will know - but I find it very difficult to engage with people who are relentlessly negative, and have found myself dialling back on a couple of friendships for this reason. A few of your own posts and phrases have made me wonder if this is you?

As others have said, this really could be a case of an insensitive and unsupportive husband, or it could genuinely be that he finds it hard to have positive conversations with you and he finds that draining. None of us know.

The right friends do bring positivity to most people's lives, and I think it's well worth exploring and making some effort.

People always say 'make new friends' as if that's the easiest thing in the world. You're right, it's not - the acquaintances we meet through social activities aren't necessarily friend material.
The issue here though seems to be communication with your husband, who isn't making the space to listen to you and wishes you'd find another outlet for sharing stuff about yourself. This could leave you feeling quite lonely and unfulfilled in the longer term. Are you able to have an honest conversation with your husband about how you feel? If not, things might continue to be rocky and you'll either need to resign yourself to the nature of the relationship or think about moving on - whether or not you decide to 'make new friends', which is a separate thing.

I am training towards this. I don’t feel confident enough yet in terms of my ability but that’s my plan. but at the same time I think DH might be annoyed if this eats into family time. I did ask if he would come cheer me on and he was a bit meh in his answer.

I am trying very hard to take all of this on board as I want to do better.

He said I was never positive about anything and why I find this so upsetting is that it’s not true and unfair. He came home recently and I was excited about a new band I found that I like and was playing and singing their songs and asked him to listen as I thought he might also like them and he could not have been more disinterested and said they sounded shit. I also get excited about things I learn to cook for the family as I am not that confident in the kitchen. Writing this out feels like I am childish

No I don’t really want more friends, but I agree I might need go out and have wider interests as perhaps my interests are too narrow. Maybe he would be happier I if was just out doing things

I just had a look on Meet-up and there is not much local to me. I found The Ramblers website. There is a running club that’s on days I can’t attend.

I do already like my life, or I did. I wasn’t unhappy!

@Whappy "....I suspect your husband is a bit dull, still living it up with his old school mates - how very gauche...."

I agree with the rest of your post but this is a very, very odd thing to think.

OP.. if you are happy as you are, then don’t change for anyone. It sounds like being more sociable wouldn’t add anything positive to your life. It’s more that you and him aren’t compatible anymore. He’s making you feel bad for being you.