DH has told me I should make some friends

[BrainItch]

My DH and I have been hitting a bumpy patch of late. I do love him and he is my life partner but he’s told me to go make some friends and this has made me feel upset as it’s much harder in reality.

We both work full time, domestically he pulls his weight however we have different ideas on the standard of living we are comfortable with. his is much lower than mine, so he puts himself under extra pressure to meet my standard - even though I am not nagging at him at all. Generally my higher standards are a ‘me’ problem - if I want a job done for my own peace of mind I will just do it myself. I am a home person, happy to just be in my lovely house.

We have high outgoings due to our mortgage so we don’t have much extra cash to go do special fun things with, so a lot of our activities are either indoors or freebies outside such as an outdoor physical activity. I don’t mind this - I grew up very poor as a child and young adult so I am not well travelled and very much make the best of what you have got. Plus I like being outside and being active. I exercise regularly for my mental and physical health. DH does not do any exercise.

I am a manager at work so I do not have barely any real friends from the workplace I would or can socialise with. It’s just the nature of my role, you can’t be friends with the people you manage. I have a high pressure job and it’s not entertaining dinner party chat, it is public service so can be depressing/negative/political. I tend to not talk to DH about work at all as he finds it ‘draining’.

DH has loads of friends, mostly from school and he sees and talks to them all the time, plus friends at work he hangs out with.

I have one close friend who I have known since school and I don’t see her that much as she is very busy. She works in a similar sector to me and also likes running so we have things in common.

Most of my other friendships or acquaintances fell away when I had children. Your kids aren’t very interesting to other people and I am not much of a party animal so people stopped inviting me out on boozy events. It then became hard to make new friends and now I virtually have none. Our kids are older now so I’m not longer friends with the other parents as no one stays in touch.

DH appears to find my topics of conversation frustrating. He doesn’t exercise so we have nothing in common there when I am talking about a PB, plus he finds my line of work depressing to hear about. I got very upset about this and his suggestion is to make new friends. I understand the concept but how do I do this?

I’m at work all day with people I can’t be friends with. I do go to exercise classes during the week and people are friendly and I smile and chit chat but I don’t think they are looking for new friends? I think I have just got used to not really having many friends and the idea is quite daunting and overwhelming

OP I think your DH just sounds like a bit of a knob tbh. It’s ok not to have loads of friends and it’s hard to make friends as we get older. He doesn’t seem interested in you at all though and I’d probably be reconsidering the relationship if I were you.

I wfh and we moved to a new area in covid so meeting ppl has been difficult. My work can be full on, to try and not be bored and/ or monologue at dh about it, I joined a couple of local groups to get me out of the house and do something different

One is book club; it’s v laid back, we meet about every 6 weeks and everyone is social but also a common theme so reduces potential chit chat awkwardness

I also joined a local volunteer group at the park; I have no gardening ability but joined because I wanted to learn + give something back. The group are great, lots are older but we have really interesting convos and it’s a nice way to keep up to date on what’s happening in the area and meet some of the neighbours

Aah I rather meant to imply that I don’t believe this and just used it as an example of how any arse can be judgemental and just as he thinks his wife needs to be different the same arbitrary judgements could be applied to him:)

Also your work is a huge part of your life and to not be able to discuss it with your other half is not really fair at all. He also sounds very critical of you OP.

I don’t want to sound like I am being negative about work friends. I chat to colleagues all the time, I hear all about their lives and sometimes I share back but they do not want to be friends with me. I am senior to them. They don’t invite me out socially. I completely understand there is a line drawn between all of us. This doesn’t mean it isn’t friendly - just none of them are going to hang out with me socially. I can’t exactly start forcing myself onto them. It’s not helpful to keep telling me I am wrong about this.

I don’t think I am completely socially inept. Friendships can be another pressure in your life to maintain. I need to know I am going to have the capacity to keep a friendship going so I will just join a club of something that interests me and if I make a friend then great, but I will more be doing it to broaden my conversational topics with DH

You sound just like me op. In fact I could have written your post.

You don’t need to increase your ability to do parkrun op- you just go. I’m doing my first one this week with my 10 and 7yo and dh will probably come but he has to push our heavy 3 year old if he does as I’m not doing that!! Find an all levels running group. Join the local facebook group and see what’s going on and what people are talking about, you don’t have to post. What does your dh talk to you about? Tell him to think of some interesting conversation!

Honestly it sounds like you get very overexcited about things that you like but show no interest in things your DH likes.
Do you ever even ask him about his day?
So he likes meeting his friends and watching TV what's wrong with that - those are social things that you can share with others.
You like running - not social it's independent and even though I run myself it bores me to tears hearing about PB's etc. Reading again unsocial unless you're in a reading group.
You got pissed off because he didn't like a band you like - that's normal in a relationship!

You really hate your husband don't you?

OP you mentioned joining a running club - do consider this, they are excellent for meeting people who come from all walks of life with a common interest. The clubs local to me have regular social runs, meet ups at parkrun, cafe stops after a run or nights out for food or drinks. You can be as involved (or not involved) as you choose to be. The club I am part of has many members who do not drink so nights out are not always a case of everyone gets wasted. So many women who have joined mention the positive impact it has had on their lives and they have another identity other than parent/spouse/colleague. Clubs also have a committee to help run things which, with your management skills, you could be brilliant at.

@ManteesRock He talks about what he has read in the news or something he has watched online. He talks about work, and what he has done that day. I listen to it and ask appropriate questions. I don’t watch much online.

Yes I get excited about things in life.. am I not meant to? I think this is more enthusiasm I am not bouncing around like a toddler or rubber ball. Hey I found this great band do you like them?

Are you being serious in this response as it just feels like you are enjoying being facetious

I think your husband is the problem. A lot of couples have different jobs and interests, he seems intolerant and uninterested in what you have to chat about. I know very little about my partners job, but i still listen to his moans and issues, it is not boring, because it's him and i am interested in his day and his troubles. Your husband wants YOU to have better conversation, so say you make two new friends who have high drama in their life, he is going to tell you he doesn't want yo hear about it. He is rude and inconsiderate and should take a long hard look at himself!! Why should you have to change to suit him. ?

To be honest @BrainItch it doesn't sound like you are the problem! If you are happy with the way your life is, with the social interactions you have with colleagues at work, the hobbies you have going to the gym etc and dont feel the need to have more friends then why are you trying to change? What is your DH doing to improve conversations? It doesnt sound like he is making much of an effort!

In the nicest way, I think your dh is correct. I've said this to my husband before (nicely). 1 person can't fulfill the role of friend, confidant, romantic partner, life partner etc on their own and, whilst it sounds romantic for him to be your "everything" it's a lot of pressure on him. I'm sure some couples manage it, but I certainly found myself saying to dh "get out the house and talk to other people". He joined a football group and did a regular pub trip with dad's, and reconnected with old friends (it's not a lot, he sees other people maybe one night a week). It is hard making friends as an adult, I think it's harder than dating, so I totally get why you're nervous. I think structured activities will make it easier for you. It's fine being a homebody but then you need to find an outlet for the things you want to chat about, as sounds like dh is finding it too much. I'm also assuming he's very happy doing date nights, chatting and generally is supportive, but just thinks you need one or two other people in your life for balance and as additional sounding boards - if he's actually hinting at you being out all the time/he doesn't ever want to talk to you, then that's a relationship/him issue, whereas I just knew there was a gap in DHs life and he was asking me to fill it, and I felt I couldn't and didn't have capacity.
I don't drink with any of my friends now really, we go for drinks but stick to lemonade as we drive, or head to one another's for tea/coffee or go for walks. Don't panic about people being party animals, I think that's rare after 40 tbh.
I'd try;
Apps online
Local craft groups, book clubs
Running groups
Swimming clubs
Have a look at some team sports, netball, hockey?
Walking groups
I also wonder if you've thought about neurodiversity? It sounds like your husband finds you more "broadcast" sometimes than converse, and you have very specific standards with a black and white "correct" way to do it. You also find making friends tricky (although everyone does I think because it is hard). Obviously I don't know you at all and am not an expert, so I'm literally just grabbing at the small hints you've left but it might be worth exploring how these things present in adult women, it might be interesting to understand your own brain a bit more and that also might be an area you could look at friendships through. A lot of women our age didn't get picked up when younger because it looks different and we mask well, and I know friends who've looked into it and found it really answered a lot of questions.
Good luck

Leaving aside that your husband doesn’t sound that nice, I have told
my husband to go and make friends, purely because he speaks to noone but me and needs a male friend or two. We moved to a new area two years ago and he has not made a single one whereas I have made quite a few (took a while to get there though).

at first I tried a clothes making course, people were nice but did not really click with any on a deeper level (and neither did they with I). Joined a gym and found it hard to get the chance to connect. I cannot really sing but remembered some friends back in London had joined choirs and made a whole new friendship group. I found a pop choir and that is my main group of friends now and I love them. It took a while of going then eventually meeting people 121 but even the weekly going, doing the breathing exercises, singing and chatting has been great. I have made deeper connections with my choir friends then at the school gate. It is also £5 a week.

it is tiring but for your own mental health and self worth you need and deserve a social network, it might take a few tries but there are lots of cost effective ways to
meet people x

@Ireallywantadoughnut36

He isn’t my everything

I was very self sufficient and independent before I met him

I have things that fill my time that don’t involve him

I socialise with other people

I have other interests

I see DH in the evenings as most couples do, we reconnect ‘how was your day’ and that’s mostly what he’s basing it this feedback on.

I think you have a husband problem, not a friends or lack thereof problem. I am divorced, on my own for seventeen years with an adult son who has ASD. I don't want more friends, I like my own company. You should be able to make your own decisions on this. You should feel comfortable talking to your husband, not made to feel like you're boring. I would be seriously questioning this relationship.

You sound like an interesting person with a good variety of interests. Your DH on the other hand sounds dull and unpleasant. It is not your job to entertain him. , and I'd seriously consider what he brings to your life.

You sound quite like me. DH works away and socialises after work. Also has a hobby group he goes to weekly. I’ve been juggling work/kids and let friends slide.
There are loads of running groups, find one with times that suit. Park run is also a great idea. I go to a monthly group where we try a new craft/activity each month. It is daunting going on my own but I’m not usually the only one.

I don’t really see people about of the groups I go to but it is enough social interaction for me to fit around work and childcare.

Also don’t worry about parkrun eating into family time. Your DH either wants you to go out and do something and that takes time.

I really feel for you here. Not sure why so many feel the need to be so cruel?
I’m mid 40s, young kids that zap my energy. I have a managerial role so I get what you mean about not being friends at work. My work is remote so although I chat a lot, I don’t get out the house much. I enjoy a night out every now and then when there’s something to celebrate but mostly I’m happy at home. I have things I enjoy which my husband doesn’t and likewise he has his things. Sometimes I worry that I’m boring, but like you, I’m content. Equally, sometimes my husband is boring. That’s life! I think the problem here is that you aren’t connected to each other, and that’s not your problem to solve on your own. You having more friends won’t change what you talk about to him. He sounds intolerant and like he’s being a bit mean. If it’s not a huge problem and you just needed some reassurance, I would speak up and say you need him to engage more actively in your conversation and also be mindful of how much you share and when to stop. If it’s more serious than that I would suggest looking into couples counselling. Wishing you luck x

Jeez he can’t control what you do. Tell him no

Completely understand that you're happy in your bubble and too tired after work to go around making friends. You do you. Maybe for the sake of your future, though, should anything happen to your relationship with your husband that leaves you on your own, you might want to think over how you'd make new connections. Meetup can be very good. Also some choirs (eg Rock Choir, Popchoir) can be great for meeting people, especially if they have WhatsApps through which you can arrange social gatherings.

I think you do need more friends, and urgently. Not because he says so, but because he sounds like an arse who is negging you and putting you down and you will find more and better quality support outside the marriage. Fuck being told that my conversation was boring by someone: I would just walk out of that marriage. Why do you care about the opinions of someone who doesn't like or respect you?

This is one of the reasons I always urge people not to let their friendships fall away when they get married and settle down. People need friends because marriages don't always last. Also no one can fulfil all your social and emotional needs.

You seem to have developed quite a negative perspective on the whole concept of friendship and I suspect this is due to low self-esteem which again probably comes largely from your husband.

Ditch the husband, find new friends, is my advice.

You described me to a T, i would have wrote this myself word for word minus having a husband I guess, I just came out of my situation earlier this year and have been trying to make friends again.

Worst mistake i did was to make my life just work, kids, family and repeat. And also as far as conversation, try to not always talk about you you you, ask people about fun stuff, their day etc

Try an app called meetup, if he can stay with kids sometimes

Does your husband actually like you? I'm not being mean but as much as you can make friends and chat to them, your partner should still be able to have a conversation with you about your interests. They should want to know even if things aren't always positive. Yes if someone is monologuing for hours it's boring but it sounds like he expects you to listen and show interest in him with no effort to return the interest on his part.

I too think you have a husband problem.
He was unkind in what he said.
He sounds like a lazy slob to be honest.
I think it sounds like you are interacting in a busy job all day and could be chatted out.
Why wouldn't you like down time.
I totally get that if you are ambivalent about alcohol, then boo

I would give him lots of space and make sod all effort to chat for a period.
Take up your park run and do not care one bit if it eats into family time.
Is there a book club, cinema group, food group, hill walking in the area.
Keep an ear out and over the next six months you might indeed hear of activities that you might enjoy, particularly if you join a park run etc.

You sound like a very normal nice busy mum.
Pity your lazy husband isn't a bit more appreciative of you.

Like I wrote, give him lots of space from your dull conversation.🙄