DH has told me I should make some friends

[BrainItch]

My DH and I have been hitting a bumpy patch of late. I do love him and he is my life partner but he’s told me to go make some friends and this has made me feel upset as it’s much harder in reality.

We both work full time, domestically he pulls his weight however we have different ideas on the standard of living we are comfortable with. his is much lower than mine, so he puts himself under extra pressure to meet my standard - even though I am not nagging at him at all. Generally my higher standards are a ‘me’ problem - if I want a job done for my own peace of mind I will just do it myself. I am a home person, happy to just be in my lovely house.

We have high outgoings due to our mortgage so we don’t have much extra cash to go do special fun things with, so a lot of our activities are either indoors or freebies outside such as an outdoor physical activity. I don’t mind this - I grew up very poor as a child and young adult so I am not well travelled and very much make the best of what you have got. Plus I like being outside and being active. I exercise regularly for my mental and physical health. DH does not do any exercise.

I am a manager at work so I do not have barely any real friends from the workplace I would or can socialise with. It’s just the nature of my role, you can’t be friends with the people you manage. I have a high pressure job and it’s not entertaining dinner party chat, it is public service so can be depressing/negative/political. I tend to not talk to DH about work at all as he finds it ‘draining’.

DH has loads of friends, mostly from school and he sees and talks to them all the time, plus friends at work he hangs out with.

I have one close friend who I have known since school and I don’t see her that much as she is very busy. She works in a similar sector to me and also likes running so we have things in common.

Most of my other friendships or acquaintances fell away when I had children. Your kids aren’t very interesting to other people and I am not much of a party animal so people stopped inviting me out on boozy events. It then became hard to make new friends and now I virtually have none. Our kids are older now so I’m not longer friends with the other parents as no one stays in touch.

DH appears to find my topics of conversation frustrating. He doesn’t exercise so we have nothing in common there when I am talking about a PB, plus he finds my line of work depressing to hear about. I got very upset about this and his suggestion is to make new friends. I understand the concept but how do I do this?

I’m at work all day with people I can’t be friends with. I do go to exercise classes during the week and people are friendly and I smile and chit chat but I don’t think they are looking for new friends? I think I have just got used to not really having many friends and the idea is quite daunting and overwhelming

When my XH (who had no friends) told me I needed to make more friends (I had lots) it was because he was planning to leave me and didn't want the guilt of thinking I might be on my own.

He left, and years later he is still friendless while I have a wonderful social circle. Any chance this might be what is behind this?

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat that crossed my mind too 😱

The older I get, the more I realise that most men - and I include your DH in that OP and also mine - aren’t interested in things that don’t impact them or aren’t directly related to their personal interests.
Whereas women are interested in things that impact their loved ones and happy to engage in conversation about things not particularly relevant to them.

Sorry can’t find the original PP of the above to give them credit as after I pasted the above I can’t find it again but great observation. I think a certain type of man is unconciously selfish about the way they engage with their partners. I’ve experienced the same and it’s quite exhausting being switched on and listening and responding, supporting my DP all the time but then when you’re talking about your own topic it’s often just token nods or grunts - if you’re lucky.

i find that at the start of a relationship when they’re keen to be exclusive, they make the effort but after a couple of months not so much. In fact, I find this trait so depressing that it’s often a key reason why I never stay LT on such relationships.

You sound lovely though OP and it’s not a you but a DH issue which I think you already know. I hope you can overcome this.

Can I suggest you get some counselling?
Not because I think there’s something ‘wrong’, but counselling for me provided a platform to bounce ideas against a mirror, if you like. It helped put order in my thoughts and explore and clarify some things.
Don’t think of if as repairing the fridge, more like cleaning it and restocking.

No, I think he's saying that her topics of conversation are limited and that if her life was fuller she'd have different things to talk about, and I tend to agree with that. If she's spending all of her time at work or at home what do they have to talk about in the evenings?

OP, you sound great. FFS you DO have interests, enthusiasm, and things you care about doing!

IMO, the issue is that you and your DH just aren't connecting. He tries to connect with you by sending you reels etc., and you ignore them. You try to connect with him by talking about stuff that matters to you, and he dismisses it.

It's not that you need to make friends. You don't need to do anything at all that you aren't authentically genuinely wanting for yourself.

Could you afford to go to couples therapy together? Is that something you would consider doing?

He's acting like he's either above you or resents you or doesn't like you or respect you. If he feels rejected and ignored by you, he might be feeling bitter and shut down, hence being dismissive towards you. Or you simply may not be compatible any more - but it feels like it's worth seeing whether that's really the case?

I don’t know if I am neurodivergent and to be honest this isn’t something top of my list to work out what else is wrong with me as to why someone I love who is meant to love me has hurt my feelings. what would it change?

I’m not depressed but I am very hurt and feel emotional.

It’s not helpful for people to keep throwing in more and more things that might be wrong with me it’s like kicking me when I am down. I already see the worst of humanity via my job, it’s already hard to hold onto the notion that most people are good and hard to smile and find joy in a world that can be so bleak and take so much from people. I have some form of public service PTSD, I’m sure we all do in the trenches. Holding onto your compassion is so so hard in public service, but I am trying because that is why I do the job I do and the morals of it all still matter.

I really appreciate those who have taken the time to share their own experience and give me some encouragement to join a group and it’s helped that you have explained how much you value it, and why.

I am not sure I do have the capacity for deep friendships and I’m nervous that this would be ‘another thing I can’t talk about’ at home, so any of my enthusiasm would be sucked out of me

I do think he is jealous of me. He has said lots of times he wishes he had my drive. I also think he finds my high energy draining at the same time because it highlights his low one. I love him no matter what, I’m not even judging his low energy I accept him for the person he is

I don’t drink alcohol and I don’t appreciate people who are supposed to be my friend telling me that I’m really boring and trying to encourage me to get drunk. If you wanna go out and get wasted that’s up to you. It’s not my cup of tea and I don’t enjoy it I definitely don’t enjoy being pressured. I have invited these people out for dinner or to go and do other things and they never want to come

Does he love you no matter what?
Or he wants you to be someone you are not?

The idea of a counsellor to explore thoughts is a good one

2 of my closest friends don't drink. I drink sporadically. When they come to mine we drink herbal teas usually. Natter all night. They've been called boring before by dull drunks who can only enjoy themselves with alcohol. They ignore them. We have a hoot. Other friends drink alcohol but tbh I'm socialising with the non drinkers more lately.

Even if you are introverted and/or neuro divergent, that still doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. I'm saying this because I thought there was something wrong with me for decades. It's been really freeing to finally come to terms with and accept who I really am. I enjoy my own company, I like walks in nature to decompress, I don't especially enjoy meeting new people and large groups. And that's ok. I sometimes force myself to meet new people because I do enjoy having a small number of close friends. But if you are happy with your life as it is then that's totally ok.

It's kind of irrelevant whether you are neuro divergent and/or introverted, unless you want to understand yourself better (if you do, I really recommend the book 'Quiet').

I'm sure you're capable of deep friendships. From what you have written, I would much rather be friends with you than with your DH, tbh.

I would agree with what some people have said about counselling.. Finding a good therapist (and not all of them are good) helped me understand myself, build confidence and accept myself. Which has made a massive difference to my quality of life, I would really recommend it to anyone.

Your DH is a great ray of sunshine, isn't he! I bet you listen to his woes, even if he doesn't listen to yours. He sounds rather selfish to me - partners are supposed to mutually support each other. Joining a running club would be a great idea; at least you'll have something in common to talk about.

There's nothing wrong with you btw; not everyone makes deep friendships. I don't, but do have many friends who would be there in a crisis or for a good moan, but who I wouldn't share my deepest, darkest secrets with.

And it's not really about working out what's wrong with you. It's about working out how to fully accept yourself, which makes it much easier to identify what would make you happy and when people are trying to change you against your will.

There’s NOTHING wrong with you OP.

I agree with Disturbia81 there is nothing wrong with you. Go to places that are more sociable than home: The Ramblers walk and talk, what about Line Dancing (not at all YeHa), Irish Step Dancing (not Riverdance more like Barn with varied steps). I thought of these because you are an active person.

You sound totally normal but perhaps not very compatible with your husband. Sounds like you both need to make a bit more effort to find things in common.

If you do feel the need yourself to go and find some friends then I agree with everyone posting about clubs - it's a really nice way to meet like minded people. I like cycling and have met some nice people in a cycling club - it gives me something social to do and generally everyone is quite likeminded.

I was happy in my bubble until DH had a health scare (false alarm, luckily) but I suddenly realised I would have very little left if anything happened to him. I now have a busy life!

I am not an introvert socially I am more outgoing than DH.
But I burn out quickly, then I need down time. That’s what exercise is for

And I totally get this. I also love socialising, but in short bursts, then my battery needs a recharge!

I can get you OP i really like and need down time, don’t drink have a few friends i go for coffee with but don’t enjoy drinking nights out as i can’t drink/keep up. What did you & husband enjoy before marriage, is a once a week date night possible eg cinema then chat about film afterwords or try “connection” cards they give lots of topics to discuss that’s not work/everyday stuff. Good luck it sounds like he’s your friend but conversation may have just dried up a bit. What was dating like at the beginning were you more compatible?

My best friends are all from work - my bosses, peers and even some that I managed.

We all have a shared interest in the industry we work in & similar goals/values.

I think you’re missing out by closing that off as an opportunity. Is there a possibility you’re using it as an excuse not to get close to others?

I don’t agree with how your husband expressed his feedback.

I do think friends can enrich your life, if only to listen to you rant now & then about stupid things your husband has said!

One person can’t be everything to another and their complete emotional support.

Also, you sound really lovely and interesting - I’m sure you will find your people that will value your friendship. Not all of us like getting wasted in our 40s!

Think about what you might get from it & what you can offer others as a friend, it might enrich your life.

@BrainItch you sounds just like me. Except I’m single and don’t have a silly man hurting my feelings.
Theres nothing wrong with you at all. You ARE interesting. I’m sure you have plenty to say about the books you’ve read and the miles you’ve run.
I don’t drink anny more either and it has changed my social life but I’m honestly not arsed.

If you want to do something for YOU then chuck your name in the draw for Chicago marathon (entries opened a couple days ago) and fill your time training for that.

To me you sound very defensive and hyper alert about any criticism of you, one of those people who think they have no flaws and if they did it is such a failure.
You say your dh is jealous of you, you told him you are not sure you can forgive him and in the post above you thought of leaving him. All this for an implied criticism when he asked you to make some friends? And he keeps telling you that’s not what he meant, you have two choices - you believe his intentions were not wrong or you don’t. It seems like you believe in the second choice. Tell him you are too drained after work to do these social activities to develop friendships and ask him for his real reasons if you don’t believe him.
Also, people who are meant to love us, sometimes, hurt us ( also us hurting them) . It’s human nature. You just need to make sure he has not done something unacceptable.

@Trendyname perhaps it’s not clear from the situation I’ve outlined as I feel defensive as my own husband has told me I’m a boring person who drains him. I would never say this to him in the way he has said this to me, which by the way, was in a ranting outburst. He could have used kindness and compassion to support and guide me into more productive ways of using my time, or topics of conversation but from the sounds of things, he just sits there silently listening to me rambling on wishing I would shut up. And I didn’t know this whole time so I am so embarrassed and humiliated by the whole thing. I actually feel like a piece of my soul has died. It is hard to look him in the face. I absolutely want to be a good partner it’s important to me, and if there are things I need to do differently I am open to that.

It is what he meant, he was being nasty then wanted to backtrack so tried to gaslight me that it was another of my flaws. I am a very pragmatic person and it’s actually quite hard to hurt my feelings, I can take a lot of criticism (if you need me IRL) otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do the job I do. I have been so proud of myself for some of the achievements of my exercise and just get a vibe from him he couldn’t care less. If he was doing something like this I would be so proud of him.

He is slow paced, and he gets frustrated that I don’t enjoy the slow pace ie lying in bed all weekend (I find this really quite tedious and uncomfortable) as I would get up and go for a run early.

I do have flaws. I do ramble on too much, I probably chat too much. I’m brutally honest, I probably don’t always pick up on his body language cues. I can worry a lot. I get into loads of random things I feel passionate about, I’m always trying new things and challenging myself. I thought these were things he loved about me as a mix of how complex humans are.

I have signed up to a running club free taster session. I’m not sure it’s what I want to do, DH is obviously happy about it as he thinks I’m a tragic case. I think he think he knows what I need. I can’t work out if he wants to offload me onto other people or just improve the quality of my dry boring chat. I will go along and see if I enjoy it but I am not going to focus on friendships as then I can’t be disappointed if that’s not the case but I have this deep annoyance in me that won’t go away at him patronisingly making me go out and make friends, and that I want to keep this all private for myself and that he’s not entitled to know about it.

I asked him recently if he ever hears a song that gives him goosebumps or is so good, it just scratches a brain itch (hence my name) and he had no idea what I was talking about. Sometimes just one song can make me feel so happy, and lighten my mood, as can a beautiful walk. I am not sure he ever gets these feelings. I think he’s more of feels one low level wavelength range of emotion all the time whereas mine is up and down with a range of emotions - a song that makes you happy, an advert that makes you tear up etc.

agree with the listen to your h

My h quite accurately called me out on my inability to listen and it was really hurtful but he was totally accurate.
every time someone said something I thought i was empathising by adding my own experience - ( as I am doing now!!) but i was not LISTENING.

If you re read your OP, all you do in it is find reasons why you are not to blame or you cant do something

Sounds endlessly negative and a turn off

Whatever he says I'd look to make friends, it's good for everyone to have a few. If you like running start volunteering at parkrun, give it a few weeks and you'll become one of the gang quite quickly, maybe don't marshal as that's a bit on your own, but the rest of the roles are great. My wife let some lovely people at the WI, if you're out in a village they may have an average age of 93, but if you are more urban that may well fall.