DH has told me I should make some friends

[BrainItch]

My DH and I have been hitting a bumpy patch of late. I do love him and he is my life partner but he’s told me to go make some friends and this has made me feel upset as it’s much harder in reality.

We both work full time, domestically he pulls his weight however we have different ideas on the standard of living we are comfortable with. his is much lower than mine, so he puts himself under extra pressure to meet my standard - even though I am not nagging at him at all. Generally my higher standards are a ‘me’ problem - if I want a job done for my own peace of mind I will just do it myself. I am a home person, happy to just be in my lovely house.

We have high outgoings due to our mortgage so we don’t have much extra cash to go do special fun things with, so a lot of our activities are either indoors or freebies outside such as an outdoor physical activity. I don’t mind this - I grew up very poor as a child and young adult so I am not well travelled and very much make the best of what you have got. Plus I like being outside and being active. I exercise regularly for my mental and physical health. DH does not do any exercise.

I am a manager at work so I do not have barely any real friends from the workplace I would or can socialise with. It’s just the nature of my role, you can’t be friends with the people you manage. I have a high pressure job and it’s not entertaining dinner party chat, it is public service so can be depressing/negative/political. I tend to not talk to DH about work at all as he finds it ‘draining’.

DH has loads of friends, mostly from school and he sees and talks to them all the time, plus friends at work he hangs out with.

I have one close friend who I have known since school and I don’t see her that much as she is very busy. She works in a similar sector to me and also likes running so we have things in common.

Most of my other friendships or acquaintances fell away when I had children. Your kids aren’t very interesting to other people and I am not much of a party animal so people stopped inviting me out on boozy events. It then became hard to make new friends and now I virtually have none. Our kids are older now so I’m not longer friends with the other parents as no one stays in touch.

DH appears to find my topics of conversation frustrating. He doesn’t exercise so we have nothing in common there when I am talking about a PB, plus he finds my line of work depressing to hear about. I got very upset about this and his suggestion is to make new friends. I understand the concept but how do I do this?

I’m at work all day with people I can’t be friends with. I do go to exercise classes during the week and people are friendly and I smile and chit chat but I don’t think they are looking for new friends? I think I have just got used to not really having many friends and the idea is quite daunting and overwhelming

It’s really hard to know what to talk to him about

I think this is the crux of your issue OP. People are suggesting ways you could make friends because your husband has suggested you need to make friends, but new friends are not going to address the communication problem you have with him. He'll say talking about your run with new friend Sally or lunch with new friend Sarah is boring too, or say it's just more gossip!

You've also made it clear that you're content with your social/domestic life. You have no real desire to make new friends so I would ignore his suggestion.

With regards to what you talk to him about, I would avoid just talking about other people. Do you have any shared interests or passions? Do you like to travel and plan trips? DH and I are always planning trips, even just wet weekend in Wales type trips. We also both love art and history, so on a long car journey we'll listen to history podcasts, which gives us lots to chat about, and plan more trips to historic places! We watch arts programmes, visit galleries, search second hand book shops for old art books. You get the gist.

What are your husband's interests? Can you take more of an interest? Or would he like to take up something you could do together? A new hobby for you both?

If you're both willing and motivated to re-energize your relationship then the prognosis is good I would say, but it takes two, so he needs to put the effort in too. Negativity is very unattractive so he needs to get on board with looking for positive ways to improve your relationship and communication.

If however you find you're just two people now with little in common and nothing to talk about, and neither has the motivation or interest to reset things, then maybe your relationship has run it's course.

@maxybrown your post made me cry. Thank you for making me feel seen

@BrainItch so he wouldn’t like you talking about work to other people? This is all a him problem
and not you. I think he doesn’t like his current life either but he is blaming you for it, rather than realising he doesn’t have to stay in it. You were brave to have that conversation.

OP, he is the problem and he needs to be honest about what is going on with him.

Blaming your spouse and using them as a punching bag is not on.

He has exposed himself as neither kind nor loving.

Protect yourself and don't allow yourself to be made less than by him.

I would be very wary of him.
Perhaps this relationship has run its course.
He certainly isn't taking any responsibility for it.
You spend very little time together as it is.

Oh, I feel you OP. You are trying to protect yourself because you have been badly hurt, it happened to me too and I went into protection mode as well.
I'm a sahm with an autistic teen so even less social than you. But I really don't need much social interaction- people are different. I like to exercice like you, read books and spend time with my family. Most friends are busy or always propose things I can't afford; trips/restaurants. Or drinking.
But I can understand your DH as well. My DH is very social (in sales) and gossips alot. It really bores me. I prefer talking about what's going on in the world which bores him. Luckily he's got friends to gossip with😅.

What does your OH like to talk about?

Do you feel the need to have more friends? Not everybody needs lots of friends, just one or two good ones.

What are your thoughts behind why his comment hurt you?

But he doesn’t have to be ‘wrong’ or depressed or whatever in order for you to be right. You can both be right in your different ways, just ill-matched. Ill-matched now, whatever you were like when you first got together. You are clearly experiencing one another as negative and draining.

I suppose it comes down to whether there’s enough will there to try to re-energise the relationship.

I think your dh sounds extremely boring while you are "living" in the world. Lying in bed all day would make me depressed. I think he's secretly jealous of your energy and your ability to find joy in little things. You sound lovely and I would very much like to have a friend like you (but I'm more of a fastpaced walker than a runner).

OP, it appears that you are both completely mis-matched. You are at the stage where you need to stop this sinking ship and decide if you want to salvage the relationship or not. If yes, I would say marriage counselling would be ideal. If not, don’t spend one more second blaming him, blaming the job, blaming circumstances and make practical moves to start the separation process.

He's deflecting and you can't see it. He wants you to have more friends so he can get out of doing anything with you.
You can do so much better, stop listening to his advice, it's really not good advice.
Most relationships aren't like this, or at least mine isn't.

But she isn’t dependent on him for her social life at all, in fact, the opposite. Just because her social life is different from what his is, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

OP is out numerous times a week, she exercises, she interacts with people at work, she finds joy in spending time in nature and listening to music etc. How the fuck is that wrong or suffocating?

This.

Her husband doesn't find joy in the things she enjoys and she doesn't find joy in the things he enjoys. That doesn't mean either of them are wrong or lacking. They're just very different people or have grown into very different people, at least.

Neither of them is wrong for the way they approach life but they don't sound very compatible anymore, which is a shame.

He imagines his way of enjoying life to he more fun and so thinks she'd be happier with more friends. She find his way of enjoying life a bit 'tedious', whether she'd tell him that or not.

The real challenge for them now is whether or not they can find enough common ground to find things to enjoy together.

In all honesty I don’t mind that he doesn’t find joy in my activities and I am not asking him to, but he’s completely invalidated all of my joy by claiming I don’t have enough or any of it

that’s what I’m hurt about I do not feel seen

Don't let a man decide your worth.

Tbh, OP, I find joy in all the things you do too.

I have my first cup of tea of the day sat in the garden under a tree in all weather's but the heaviest of rain. It sets me up for the day more than anything else.

I, too, get excited by the changing leaves, the shades of green in a forest, the smell in the change of seasons. Actually excited. It gladdens my heart unlike anything else. I love the sights, sounds, smells of nature.

I also love to sit in an old pub (that smells like an old pub) drinking a pint of real ale.

I don't like gyms. They're too bright. But I love a walk in the rain through the local forest (spotting a theme here..?) Or a hike.

I love going to see a band play alone. I love being around people but not particularly interacting with them.

And so, so much more. I love those things. And, tbh, I dot really care whether other people (including my partner) get it or not.

He can't invalidate your joy. Does it matter if he doesn't see that you find joy in those things? Do you need to feel seen?

Not asking to be confrontational, I'm really just asking why it's so important that you 'feel seen' and possibly even what that means!

Your likes, interests and joy are still yours whether someone (anyone!) else 'validates' them or not. They're valid because you decide they are. Not because someone else does.

@GreyCarpet yes correct they aren’t invalid to me, they still happened and were real. He did not see them so this makes me feel unseen in his eyes. He has told me I have no joy in my life and to go find some. It’s like he doesn’t see me or know me. The things I have been enjoying he is oblivious to and I need to be ‘fixed’ as I am somehow broken?

It will not make me stop enjoying these things - it will make me stop enjoying being with him. He’s meant to be my partner. I’m angry more than anything else. My joy isnt dependent on him - if we break up, I will still have it, and do all these things but I ought to be able to share it with the person I love and not feel dismissed or diminished because it’s not his version of what joy means in his interpretation

I might not find joy in lying in bed, but I know he does, so I encourage him to enjoy this, I don’t go around telling him it’s wrong to do it or try to ruin it.

I can see why you feel upset OP. If my partner told me I needed to find more friends or that I talk at him, I would be upset by that too. I once had a boyfriend tell me that I was boring with his family and friends (I'm very reserved so it takes me a while to open up to new people). I was very hurt by that, it's not nice to be told that people find you boring. It's hurtful when the person who knows you best tells you that there's something wrong with how you are acting or living life etc, when in reality you are just being yourself.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with you to fix. It doesn't sound like you are boring, your topics of conversation sound interesting to me, it doesn't sound like you are talking at him or like you need more friends. It sounds, like lots of other people have said, like you are incompatible and he's not making an effort to appreciate you for who you are.

I have read the other messages. It seems like an issue of incompatibility of lifestyles. I have friends, but I am certainly not talking to them every minute of my life or constantly making plans with them.

Ah, OK. That makes sense!

So it's probably frustration as much as anger and the sense that he doesn't understand you and what makes you tick as a person; the things that are important to you. So rather than sometimes trying to enter your world and see what you see, or even just leaving you to live in your own world, he shuts it down with with, "It's boring."

And, yes, you're right. You should he able to share them with your partner even if they're not particularly interested themselves. My partner likes football. I know nothing about football and care even less 🤣 but, when he wants to have a moan about the new manager or their current business model, I at least try to engage...

So, what do you want the outcome.to be? What do you want to change or to happen? How can you make it so?

@BrainItch personally I think you sound absolutely lovely, and your husband sounds like a bore, and an insensitive clod. Who wants to lie in bed all weekend? (Even if you’re having amazing sex - ouch, not all weekend.) He has proscribed several topics of conversation from you, but you’re expected to listen to him/watch his memes or whatever with interest (calmly expressed of course). Does he want a robot instead of a human?
Dont change yourself - just get rid of the clod. He sounds reeeeally boring!

His interests are lying in bed and watching telly, and he claims to want YOU to get more joy in your life?!

I agree with PPs that the two of you have become incompatible, but from everything you've said it sounds like 95% a him problem. You're engaged with the world and find joy in simple, beautiful things. He sounds much less engaged, and doesn't want you to tell him things because he doesn't want you "talking at him". You sound like a nice, normal, well-rounded person. He doesn't, frankly, and he's said some really unkind things to you that I'd find hard to forgive.

I do wonder whether he's had enough of the marriage but doesn't know what he does want, so he's sniping and grumbling at you as a result of his dissatisfaction in life. I'd bet my lunch that if you make more friends, go out more and do even more without him than you already do, he still won't be happy.

@BrainItch oh heck sorry! Maybe this sounds weird but maybe it's because I relate to you a lot, but I feel.like.you almost need protecting. And I do not like all the posts from people telling you there's something wrong with you essentially. Hope you're ok

All of this too!

I completely agree with this but I also understand what OP means. I think it's quite hard to explain. I think maybe it's a bit like ....he's saying all these things about her that to her are emotional even true or accurate and so now she's questioning herself. He isn't seeing her at all for who she is.

But I do agree with the principle you are talking about. You are worthy because you say it is so. However I don't think she means being seen as him validating what she does. God I am not explaining this well at all 😂

OP, I think you sound like an amazing person with a great life