DH has told me I should make some friends

[BrainItch]

My DH and I have been hitting a bumpy patch of late. I do love him and he is my life partner but he’s told me to go make some friends and this has made me feel upset as it’s much harder in reality.

We both work full time, domestically he pulls his weight however we have different ideas on the standard of living we are comfortable with. his is much lower than mine, so he puts himself under extra pressure to meet my standard - even though I am not nagging at him at all. Generally my higher standards are a ‘me’ problem - if I want a job done for my own peace of mind I will just do it myself. I am a home person, happy to just be in my lovely house.

We have high outgoings due to our mortgage so we don’t have much extra cash to go do special fun things with, so a lot of our activities are either indoors or freebies outside such as an outdoor physical activity. I don’t mind this - I grew up very poor as a child and young adult so I am not well travelled and very much make the best of what you have got. Plus I like being outside and being active. I exercise regularly for my mental and physical health. DH does not do any exercise.

I am a manager at work so I do not have barely any real friends from the workplace I would or can socialise with. It’s just the nature of my role, you can’t be friends with the people you manage. I have a high pressure job and it’s not entertaining dinner party chat, it is public service so can be depressing/negative/political. I tend to not talk to DH about work at all as he finds it ‘draining’.

DH has loads of friends, mostly from school and he sees and talks to them all the time, plus friends at work he hangs out with.

I have one close friend who I have known since school and I don’t see her that much as she is very busy. She works in a similar sector to me and also likes running so we have things in common.

Most of my other friendships or acquaintances fell away when I had children. Your kids aren’t very interesting to other people and I am not much of a party animal so people stopped inviting me out on boozy events. It then became hard to make new friends and now I virtually have none. Our kids are older now so I’m not longer friends with the other parents as no one stays in touch.

DH appears to find my topics of conversation frustrating. He doesn’t exercise so we have nothing in common there when I am talking about a PB, plus he finds my line of work depressing to hear about. I got very upset about this and his suggestion is to make new friends. I understand the concept but how do I do this?

I’m at work all day with people I can’t be friends with. I do go to exercise classes during the week and people are friendly and I smile and chit chat but I don’t think they are looking for new friends? I think I have just got used to not really having many friends and the idea is quite daunting and overwhelming

Maybe try park runs first? Or have a look on meetup.com if there are any activities u fancy near u.

I am not an introvert socially I am more outgoing than DH.

But I burn out quickly, then I need down time. That’s what exercise is for

I am ‘on’ at work all day smiling and talking

He usually sits with headphones in for 6 hours a day

Not according to the WebMD definition of introvert (Link "What Is an Introvert?
An introvert is a person with qualities of a personality type known as introversion, which means that they feel more comfortable focusing on their inner thoughts and ideas, rather than what’s happening externally. They enjoy spending time with just one or two people, rather than large groups or crowds."

Again I'm not saying that someone who enjoys parties can't be an introvert. Just that preferring smaller groups is fairly typical of introverts. Pretty sure it's one of the questions on the Myers Briggs personality test.

Also I can't get my link to work:
https://www.webmd.com/balance/introvert-personality-overview

I did ask him if he even likes me as it sounds like he doesn’t like my personality very much. Again he says I took it all the wrong way.

I have never experienced the feelings towards him I had when this happened. I wanted to leave him. I’ve never felt like that about him.

And there's nothing wrong with that. People are suggesting running groups, park run etc because they're good ways of meeting new friends, but if you prefer to exercise at classes or alone then you should be able to do that without needing to justify it.

OP, it says so much that he has been quite critical of you and when you took what he said in the manner he said he tries to DARVO you.
Look it up.

He also is picking on you by taking out his stresses in life and his family on you.

You are not his emotional punch bag.

Well done for pushing back.
You are right to say that what he has said was nasty, has upset you, and that YOU will now have to think as it has changed how you see HIM.

He sounds like a bit of a bully.
Don't tolerate it.
We teach people how to treat us.

When you have a very life it is very normal to want to enjoy your down time and recharge your battery.

Working with people and engaging with them all day is vastly different to wearing headphones for 6 hours and not chatting all the time.

OP, are you neurodivergent? Often so those people have to put a forced mask on and appear outgoing during the day then need to be alone as exhausted afterwards? I ask as it sounds a little like you do this at work, then need no friendships and like your own company as you referenced you’re felt burnt out? If ND, certainly explains your preferences - and that’s perfectly ok. Forcing yourself into a situation you don’t want, purely to give your DH a conversation topic will just cause you stress?

I think it’s less about friendships and perhaps more about your narrow interests? It sounds like it’s just work and exercise and very little in between?

Could you expand your hobbies without forced friendships? You mention you aren’t confident in the kitchen. Maybe a cookery course? You’ll meet other people with a similar interest but you can take or leave the interaction with them as much as you like. Learn a new skill which will help your confidence also.

I would also say being senior/Management doesn’t mean you can’t engage and have friendships. I have friendships with my seniors - it’s just about getting that balance right between boss V friend. If ND reading those signals would also perhaps be more challenging.

He’s not a particularly ‘d’h. He’s a selfish arse who has no interest in you and doesn’t care about you

This.

You sound fabulous OP. You have a great career, hobbies you enjoy, are an engaging person with lots of interests and an enthusiastic outlook on life.

You deserve to be with someone who truly cherishes you, shares your joy and enthusiasm and genuinely enjoys your company.

Your husband is not that man. It is really horrible to put down the person you are supposed to love and be so negative about them.

I think you would really blossom if you had your freedom (ie separated from him) and no longer had this awful negativity in your daily life.

Fly free, OP. You deserve it.

You do have to nurture friendships, so when you go to things like exercise classes or running clubs and meet someone you get on with, try and arrange a coffee or add them on social media and take it from there.

Are there any groups you could join locally, such as a book club or a women’s walking group? We have a walking group locally that a woman started up on Facebook because she moved to the area and had no friends. There’s about 12 of us but not everyone comes every week but we have a group chat - we walk one evening a week and stop at the local pub for a drink at the end. It’s been going for a couple of months now and we are getting to know each other better by the week. You could start it up yourself - I’m sure there are plenty of women in your position with older kids who’d welcome some exercise and a chat.

Tbh OP it sounds like you and your DP are very different people and don't have a lot in common really, perhaps not enough to sustain a relationship?
What brought you together in the first place, what shared experiences did you have, what did you enjoy doing together in the early days of your relationship?
I would also say, you sound quite judgemental about people drinking alcohol. Why can you not still spend time with them but drink a soft drink yourself? I go out with a group of female friends where 1 or 2 are none drinkers, its no problem at all? You sound like you really look down on them to be frank.

Are you depressed or neurodiverse, OP? You have a quality of detachment in your responses.

Yikes do you think he’s preparing to leave/dump you? Sorry but that’s my initial reaction.

I don't have any friends anymore that live in the same country as me. I talk to some of my old friends on WhatsApp but personally I am happy as I am. I am an introvert and a homebody and love my own company. There's nothing wrong with me and there’s nothing wrong with you either. Your husband sounds like an energy vampire tbh

I was going to suggest a running club when I read the OP.

You have nothing to lose. Its you hobby anyway and you have no friends.

Worse case option is you run and still have no friends.

Having a couple of people you know, can't harm you.

I have read your posts and can't believe you listen to your husband talk about work but he doesn't listen to you do the same. Also the music thing just sounded off, me and my husband share links to different music with each other and listen to a lot of stuff together.
He really should be cheering you on at park run, he sounds very disinterested in you, is he jealous of your job, your fitness, your education?
I don't think you are at fault here, you just don't seem like a compatible couple, and he is constantly putting you down, don't put up with it.
My DH is my rock and I'm his, you deserve that.

Yes, running clubs are very social. You could try one of those.

Hello, there is a common misunderstanding that your Partner has to be absolutely everything to you. They cannot ever be that. It’s not unreasonable for your husband to suggest that he thinks having a few friends might be a positive for you.

My husband doesn’t have many friends and it puts an extreme amount of pressure on me to be everything to him. I have to listen to conversations that I don’t really care about, but I’m sure some of his friends would. Anything stressful or difficult it’s me who has to discuss it with him - he won’t go out for a drink & a chat with a mate.
If you have a wide range of friends, there are lots of other people to discuss these things with.

We are not built to have just one partner and be an island. I do think connecting with some friends on a fun level at a club would do you some good. He said it nasty, but it would be lovely for you to have a bit of a friendship group.

Im guilty of telling my ex to go make friends.

My words was - please go and make some friends so i dont have to hear the same crap and moaning over and over day after day let someone else have a ear full.

My defence - i had had enough.

If it makes me a horrid person so be it.
Pleased im single now.

Sweetheart, in all likelihood there is nothing wrong with you at all. If you are happy with your life, why complicate it with new friends. Working full time is full on. You love your lovely house and you love exercise. You are great!!!!
You can make closer friends any time - perhaps in a few years when things are less hectic.
If you don't need them now, why bother. Just be happy.

I did ask him [...] he says I took it all the wrong way.

You can't trust what he says. Not because he is deliberately "lying", but if it is a conversation he just can't be bothered having you are not going to get proper answers, he will just say anything to end the talk and go back to his headphones.

He sits with headphones on for 6 hours. He wants you to leave him alone, not talk to him about what he said, what he meant, the state of your marriage, or anything else.

This relationship may not be salvageable. But as I said before, the answer is not for you to run around joining clubs trying to make yourself more interesting to him. It is for you both to work together, starting with you getting more involved in his interests. What does he listen to for 6 hours? Can you talk about that? Get him to send you some links.

Or maybe, don't bother. He is not worth it. Just bide your time until it is convenient to end it.

Are your husbands friends married? Could you maybe do some double/triple dates and get to know the wives and then maybe do some stuff with them. My best friend is husbands friends cousin. We went to an event met swapped numbers and become friends. We had a group of 5 now. Me, my mate, her mate from work, my male uni’s friend wife and her uni mate. We are just random group who met in different circumstances and become a friendship group. We are all on what’s app daily to each other and probably meet up every 6/8 weeks. Might go to comedy club, might fit for drinks, might go a quiz night!! In the summer we played tennis once a week. All in our late 30’s/early 40’s!

If you are happy and don't feel lonely then don't do anything at all.
I love to be at home in my own company or with my dogs.
Dogs are wonderful companions and get you out and about , really enriched my life.I could never be without one now.

Hi OP, have you considered getting involved in a team sport if you enjoy exercise ? Although I played a team sport for many years, I took up a new one last year and it’s given me a ready-made circle of like-minded friends and it’s not too intensive as there are loads of us. It’s ‘back to hockey’ at my local club which is for totally new players. Ladies can train, without committing to matches, or dip in and out. It’s fun ! Maybe there is something similar where you are - I know it exists for my old sport too.

I’m a bit like you, my dh plays tennis and wasn’t pressuring me to do anything new - it happened by chance. We are all ages and all shapes and sizes and we do social events too (not compulsory at all). It might be worth considering ? Whereabouts are you ? You could take the plunge and the worst thing would be not enjoying it and giving up - nothing lost !!

Honestly @BrainItch it's not you, it's him.
I have just responded on a similar thread about friendships as some people just can't fathom that some of us really don't need other people to validate our existence. We are enough.
Having said that, your partner should have enough common courtesy to be interested in your work and your life to converse about it instead of just switching off.
My DH never understood my job and would try and 'fix' complicated technical or depressing issues (my clients were either dead or bereaved) with his manly perspective which was usually totally inappropriate to the situation. So I stopped talking about it apart from on a very superficial level.
He would then regale me with blow by blow accounts of his working day, what had happened, who he'd fallen out with spoken to. I used to try and ask about his colleagues lives and families but he had no clue, he rarely even knew their names. It took many years of subtle manipulation to get a well told story out of him.
Your DH obviously thinks that, because he has friends, he is an engaging and interesting social butterfly with interesting friends. It's likely that all this socialising he does with them is well fuelled with alcohol and without that, those friendships probably wouldn't last 5 minutes.
You don't need new friends @BrainItch (although I do think you should join that running club) but you might need a more understanding and caring husband, whether that be this one or someone else😉

OP, I think you sound fabulous. And just perfect as you are. Your problem really is the way your DH makes you feel. He should support and cherish you, not put you down.