DH has told me I should make some friends

[BrainItch]

My DH and I have been hitting a bumpy patch of late. I do love him and he is my life partner but he’s told me to go make some friends and this has made me feel upset as it’s much harder in reality.

We both work full time, domestically he pulls his weight however we have different ideas on the standard of living we are comfortable with. his is much lower than mine, so he puts himself under extra pressure to meet my standard - even though I am not nagging at him at all. Generally my higher standards are a ‘me’ problem - if I want a job done for my own peace of mind I will just do it myself. I am a home person, happy to just be in my lovely house.

We have high outgoings due to our mortgage so we don’t have much extra cash to go do special fun things with, so a lot of our activities are either indoors or freebies outside such as an outdoor physical activity. I don’t mind this - I grew up very poor as a child and young adult so I am not well travelled and very much make the best of what you have got. Plus I like being outside and being active. I exercise regularly for my mental and physical health. DH does not do any exercise.

I am a manager at work so I do not have barely any real friends from the workplace I would or can socialise with. It’s just the nature of my role, you can’t be friends with the people you manage. I have a high pressure job and it’s not entertaining dinner party chat, it is public service so can be depressing/negative/political. I tend to not talk to DH about work at all as he finds it ‘draining’.

DH has loads of friends, mostly from school and he sees and talks to them all the time, plus friends at work he hangs out with.

I have one close friend who I have known since school and I don’t see her that much as she is very busy. She works in a similar sector to me and also likes running so we have things in common.

Most of my other friendships or acquaintances fell away when I had children. Your kids aren’t very interesting to other people and I am not much of a party animal so people stopped inviting me out on boozy events. It then became hard to make new friends and now I virtually have none. Our kids are older now so I’m not longer friends with the other parents as no one stays in touch.

DH appears to find my topics of conversation frustrating. He doesn’t exercise so we have nothing in common there when I am talking about a PB, plus he finds my line of work depressing to hear about. I got very upset about this and his suggestion is to make new friends. I understand the concept but how do I do this?

I’m at work all day with people I can’t be friends with. I do go to exercise classes during the week and people are friendly and I smile and chit chat but I don’t think they are looking for new friends? I think I have just got used to not really having many friends and the idea is quite daunting and overwhelming

@Nn9011

Does your husband actually like you? I'm not being mean but as much as you can make friends and chat to them, your partner should still be able to have a conversation with you about your interests. They should want to know even if things aren't always positive. Yes if someone is monologuing for hours it's boring but it sounds like he expects you to listen and show interest in him with no effort to return the interest on his part

This. Your husband is the problem.

I have a similar situation, i moved back to the uk two years ago, leaving behind a great group of friends where i lived previously, and also had my daughter since home, and honestly i just don’t have the energy to also put into a new group of friends yet! My husband is an extrovert who works around people, so has a lot of people he chats to ect, but honestly I’m happy just spending time with my daughter and working from home in a job that I don’t have to speak all day. I go to a couple
of mum fitness groups and happily have a chat whilst there, but not ready yet to move these to seperate coffee dates etc. I also gave up drinking nearly 3 years ago, so don’t really have any interest in going out to bars now as much. I’m lucky though that my husband is sympathetic to this, and will arrange some social events with his friends that I get along with such as dog walks etc, so I still get to meet some people. He was worried about me previously, but I just explained im happy in this part of my life right now, and will think about it more in a later stage when I feel I have more time/energy. I also socialised ALOT all through my 20’s, so don’t feel like im missing anything right now

This.. I was reading thinking, wow it seems like you have a lot of interests and are fulfilled in your life with many acquaintances and its a DH problem more. I get that it can be draining when one person is going on about work in depth all the time but he should show an interest and also with running which is a great way to meet like minded people. Joining a running club is an excellent idea and people do socialise afterwards without getting drunk as you are all active and enjoying being fit and healthy. Is he a bit of a couch/pub man?... he doesn't sound interesting to me.

Just to echo others about Parkrun - no ability is required. You just show up and run or walk, or run-walk. Many people walk. You don’t even have to speak to anyone if you don’t want to. Sign up online to be given a barcode that you get scanned at the finish and you well get an official time for your run. But you don’t even have to do that if you don’t want to. Parkrun couldn’t be less about “training for it”, unless you want it to be.

Don't change for your husband. He isn't changing for you. Years ago I had a DP who started to criticise my life, I joined clubs to please him, but it doesnt work if it's being done for someone else. When we broke up (as he was cheating, suprise surprise) it was a relief to stop going to the clubs, and I found my own way

Thinking about this more I'd struggle to converse with someone who criticised my craic.

Your DH can’t have it all ways around! He thinks you need more friends but will complain if it takes you away from the family, how exactly does he think life works?!

And to reiterate what others have said parkrun is for everyone, every pace. You could all go along and either participate or volunteer, it’s a great way to model activity to children as well as adults.

I’d sit down with him and say “I’ve reflected on your feedback regarding friendships but I feel happy with my life, I’m busy and active and don’t feel I need to add anything more in. But I am concerned about the fact you seen disinterested in me, what has changed for you to feel this way? “

it’s a scary conversation but it has to be better than not knowing. Your dh sounds a bit mean he doesn’t want to support you or engage in things that interest you and wants you to change so that you are less of a bother to him. I’d want to know why he feels that way and what he wants the relationship to look like.

my dh isn’t a big talker , it never really bothered me when I had loads of friends but i noticed it more as I have got older and have less friends to share with.
I use Mumsnet now which helps and I’ve also learnt to enjoy the silence as with our kids it’s quite rare!

He sends me a lot of instagram reels and I don’t always open them. I think he finds this upsetting as he is trying to connect with me? Usually he sends them when I am asleep then I am busy in the morning and forget they are there. I don’t always like the same content as he does

I am 100% going to join a club of some kind. I don’t think I can find friends at the gym. I also got invited on a trip without him by a family member so I will go. I used to go away without him once a year but I’ve stopped.

He has really hurt my feelings so deeply and I’ve told him this and said I am not sure if I can forgive him. When he tried to say I’ve taken it all the wrong way I told him to stop blaming me for that too, don’t say something then twist it round onto me for being too sensitive.

We have had other things going on, he’s had a hard time with his family lately and it can feel like I’m the scapegoat

I see it from both sides. Your DH was rude and you should be able to offload a bit on him. However, it must be a bit hard if you get all your social needs met by talking to him about your depressing job.

I've also personally found that some people with these high pressure public sector jobs end up extensively trauma dumping on their friends and family, and it's quite stressful for the recipients.

It does sound like he rains on your parade a bit @BrainItch he can always say nothing rather than ‘they sound shit’ when he hasn’t even listened. I think it’s good you’re not being a doormat when he does this.

You don’t need to change yourself, you need to get rid of him IMO.

I do not talk to him about work as this is how he feels about it. I think it’s been 2 years since I last discussed my job with him.

You don't sound at all childish OP. It sounds like your husband isn't very nice to you and it also sounds like you lack confidence, which isn't a criticism at all. Having a partner who's not very nice/supportive can affect your self confidence a lot.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying your own company. You shouldn't feel pressure to make friends if you're happy with your life as it is. That said, it is useful to have one or two close friends so that you have someone to talk to about relationship issues, women's stuff, menopause etc. But maybe you prefer to do that online.

I can totally understand you saying that it's hard for you to have friends at work. I know some people are friends with their line manager but I have never wanted to be, it complicates things. I am friendly with people at work but I wouldn't call them friends either.

You don't have to be a certain level to join a running club, lots of running clubs have runners at all levels and it might be fun for you to exchange training tips, find new running routes etc. Especially since your partner is so disinterested. There's no pressure on you to make a good friend, if you don't enjoy it then you don't have to keep going.

But also, to me it sounds like you and your DH are incompatible with each other, it doesn't sound like you enjoy doing or talking about the same things. You could try exploring that with a relationship councillor.

I don't think you are the problem though, it doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you.

OP to me the one that sounds boring and uninspiring is your husband not you. You spend your whole day with people - no wonder you don’t have a desperate need to have more social interactions - you are right to be happy with your life if it’s working for you.
What wouldn’t work for me is a partner that says he won’t support you with your job by listening to you because it’s boring and depressing (we do not have life partners just to share cheery stuff and small talk). Neither would it work for me if my partner said, essentially, you need to change your self cause you’re not entertaining enough for me. You have a healthy lifestyle - much healthier than his. Someone above said books are not social, they very well can be, my husband is currently into graphic novels (I love books, but for years have no capacity and time to just sit and read as I don’t do: „I read 2 pages today”) - I still listen and am interested and ask questions so he can share his passion with me. I wfh he’s a teacher at the weekend I want to be out, he would likely love a lazy day in - but he organises for us to go for walks so that I can recharge - we’re a couple and do things for eachother and support eachother - that’s what to us being a couple is. I honestly don’t think you are the problem here.

No I don’t really want more friends, but I agree I might need go out and have wider interests as perhaps my interests are too narrow. Maybe he would be happier I if was just out doing things

I am out of his way 3 nights a week at the gym and on the weekends I will also do my own thing for a couple of hours

The problem is not that you don't have friends. (Loads of people don't have any close friends, it is normal).
The problem is not that you fail to be 'out of his way' enough.
The problem is not that your interests are too narrow.
The problem is not that you don't have enough to talk about to him.

The problem is that your DH has lost interest in the relationship. He has loads of friends to go and meet, and watches TV or stuff online, but is not interested in talking to you. He has stopped you from talking about work, doesn't want to talk about your hobbies, doesn't want to listen to you 'gossip' about other people.
What does he want you to talk about?
Answer - probably nothing. He has lost interest in you.

Have you lost interest in him? (Be honest with yourself.)
Is this relationship worth saving?

If you want to try and save the relationship, make yourself more a part of his life, not less. Go out with him with a group of other people, not just the two of you or just family. Think back - how did you and he socialise when you first met?

Would he go to a club or class with you? Perhaps a political or discussion group of some sort? Something related to what he reads about online?
Perhaps you could suggest meeting up with him and his friends and their wives or girlfriends? Go to a restaurant as a four or six person group. If he is not willing, it may just be that he is a 'bloke's bloke' and his group doesn't want any women around.

If he fails to let you into his life, or you are just not interested in what interests him, there is no need to rush to divorce (especially if you have children still at home) but you need to mull over what you want your life to be like in the longer term future. Some marriages do work long term with both people living very separate lives, but equally if you lose the connection then splitting up is likely.

My DSis made loads of new friends when she joined a running group - not for me, but I joined a craft group - well I went to some evening classes and the group gelled and we stayed in touch via WA after the class was over. A small group of them have just gone off on the train together to an exhibition - we also have regular (every couple of months) Sat morning coffee meet-ups.

You just haven't found your tribe yet - I went to other craft related groups before this and can't remember one person from them, some were downright unfriendly - but this group really worked well, the chemistry was right. It's not always "you" when friendships don't form.

@BrainItch your post before the last one made me feel sad for you. He has hurt you and that is hard to deal with. It sounds like you’ve got a few ideas that you want to try. It’s not good to have to edit what you say to the person you spend the most time with, I.e. work talk. I wish you luck 💐

Not sure what type of exercise you're into but have you looked at crossfit or similar? The social atmosphere is great.

He is pushing me to join a running club as well for the social side. I feel under pressure in something I am unsure about

I have been perfectly content running on my own.

Like someone explained actually I don’t need more socialisation. Often I am running to empty my head.. so it’s blank and quiet.

I feel conflicted about what to do

I think you do need more socialisation but not for the reasons you think.

The main reason you need it is to give yourself some support when you leave your awful husband.

Do you have a local book club as you e jog reading. Perhaps check out your local library and see if there is anything interesting going on.
Do you like art or pottery...these sorts of classes are good for meeting people as you have time to chat.
Don't take it to heart, if you are happy as you are then ignore him and continue!

I disagree with this. I agree with you that introverts can be captivating at a party etc, but I also think it's a fairly typical introvert trait to prefer smaller groups and one-on-one interactions. I'm pretty far along the introvert spectrum. I don't generally enjoy parties that much and I don't enjoy being the centre of attention. Not because I'm awkward or socially anxious, I just prefer smaller groups or one on one interactions (and yes I do need to recharge after those interactions). I think that feeling the need to enjoy parties, large groups, meeting new people etc can make people feel anxious because it's expecting them to go against their natural inclinations.

I'm not saying that introverts can't enjoy parties, I also understand that introvert/extrovert is a spectrum and we don't all have one set of traits or another. Just that I think that preferring small groups or one on one to parties/large groups is fairly typical of introverts. And that not enjoying group settings, parties etc doesn't mean that someone is socially anxious or awkward, it's totally fine to say "nope, not my thing".

That’s not introversion, though. That’s an unrelated social preference for a particular type of socialising in smaller groups.

I hate the saying 'You do you' but actually it's relevant. Fuck anyone else. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm sending over some of my dontgiveashit energy 🔥