How much does having a baby change your relationship?

[NeverHaveIEverBefore]

Hi everyone,

I’m 26, and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together for three years, and he’s due to inherit a property from his grandmother’s estate in the next six months or so.

Last night he raised to me that he’d be looking to sign a deed of variation that puts the property into joint names, mine and his. He said he sees his entire future with me and he wants to turn this into our family home. He then said he would like for us to start trying for a baby when we’ve moved in.

I was quite taken aback, I love him but I wasn’t expecting to hear this from him! He’s not pushed the point since last night, but it’s just completely taken me by surprise. How much does your relationship and life really change when you have a baby? Is this a totally crazy idea from him?

It's not crazy. However I think a baby can highlight red flags that you didn't even so or didn't matter as much. A baby does change things hugely its difficult to describe its not all bad though obviously. When the woman usually complains its because usually there's an imbalance.

It's also difficult as you don't know what parenthood entails until you fully start your own journey. I would discuss things like how many children? Mat leave? Childcare costs? There's so many variants to some degree you can't plan. You could have a very poorly baby, a very bad sleeper or an extremely good baby. A good partner who pulls his weight is key!

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Seriously.

Can I ask why? He’s transferring 50% of a mortgage free home to me and wants to have a baby with me, to me that’s a larger commitment than marriage.

From everything I’ve seen I think he would be a good dad, he’s been amazing with me through some chronic health issues

Do you want a baby? By now you should have an inkling.

It’s not just about that- neither of those things offer you any legal financial protection.

Who’s going to take the career hit for maternity leave? You.
Who’s career takes the longer term hit, because someone has to do pick up/drop off/sick days/inset days/school holidays? If you, then your income & pension both take that hit, as well as your prospects. Harder to advance in roles if you always have to leave at 4pm for school etc.

He hasn’t actually transferred anything to you yet, and he could get you pregnant and then disappear, or you could have a child, spend 10 years working part time and THEN he disappears and you aren’t entitled to a single penny of his savings, pension etc. All you’ll get is CMS- can you afford a child alone with just CMS from him?

Have you even lived together yet OP?

It's not about commitment it's about protection @NeverHaveIEverBefore . Just take an hour to do a search on this website about "financial abuse" and you'll see that in the vast majority of cases, the couples weren't married. It doesn't matter about signing over houses, or whatever, it's about protecting your rights as one half of a married couple.

I want nothing more than to have a family, but it also does feel pretty overwhelming when you’re making that choice!

Its just general advice people are giving OP. You can swear you know a person but unfortunately you don't or people do change too. 3 years isn't a huge amount of time to have been dating. It's ok but not huge. Do you currently live together now?

No, we don’t currently live together (I do stay over at his place quite often though!), we were looking to move in together anyway when his grandmother died, so like he said, it’s better to put a mortgage free house into our names than purchase somewhere, especially when he’d lose his first time buyer status!

Wow if you haven’t even lived together yet then don’t even start the baby conversation.

The only reason it’s been delayed is because probate has taken so long (18 months so far!!), we’re signing the deed of variation and assent within the next two weeks if I agree, so we’re both ready for that.

That’s great- it’s still not preparation for actually living together though.

See how that goes before you think about having a serious chat about a baby.

What about his commitment to you in terms of marriage as well as a property?. Marriage is far more than a piece of paper and if he wants to live with you then marriage should be on the table . Be responsible for yourself here and get tooled up with information as knowledge is power.

At the very least do not move in with him before there is a cohabitation agreement signed via a solicitor. This protects both your interests in the event the relationship ends.

What are his attitudes to marriage?.

Whose surname would this child have if you were not married?. His I suppose and if you do that this is yet more power handed over to him all too freely. Your rights as an unmarried woman with a child are piss poor frankly and he likely knows that too.

Not at all. We both absolutely want to get married, we’ve discussed it before, but he wants it to be special. We’re all but engaged, we’ve both agreed marriage is firmly on the table. I’m just not too bothered by it at the moment.

Is his signing over half the house to you on the condition that you start trying for a baby immediately? Don’t be railroaded into something you’re not ready for because of timing. You can live together, then get married, then see about having a family. Then you are having children as part of a legal partnership which protects both sides. If he sees his future with you and wants a family, why wouldn’t you get married? It’s a massive life changing thing, don’t rush it.

He sounds lovely, OP. I agree with PPs that marriage is ideal, but it sounds like you're moving towards that already.

I think three years is plenty of time. And you can live together when you have the property. Definitely agree to the Deed of Variation.

As for your actual question - having a baby changes a relationship fundamentally. Yes, there is stress etc, but in our case it changed our relationship to a much deeper connection.

It all sounds very positve for you.

I would say get married before you have a baby - it’s a lot more security for you.
Marriage & children are both a lifetime bind / commitment and alot of work.
And yes, you and your life as you know it now will change massively once you have a child.

Just to add - DH and I hadn't lived together when we got pregnant. We're twenty years down the line now... 😁

Live with him full time first for a couple of years. Long enough to get over the 'isn't this jolly' stage.

You'll then know EXACTLY what he'll be like as a husband and father and he'll know what you're like to live with and you'll both be better placed to decide if dropping the A bomb (which is what a screaming 24/7 demanding human baby can be) into the mix will work !

Well you should be bothered about it. Do not sleepwalk into your future here.

Some men in particular say they want it to be special but they can use that as an excuse to delay proposing. Or they use the expense of a wedding, house buying , cost of living, kids to put it off. This happens to women so do not ever think it won’t happen to you. And being all but engaged means nothing in any sense of the word. Find out his intentions by talking about this.

Because marriage doesn't only protect assets such as a house but other aspects such as pensions etc and makes some things a lot more straightforward. Neither of you would have automatic inheritance rights nor next of kin decision making.
Registering birth if married dad auto goes on if not in person and marriage certificate produced.

Women are at greater vulnerability if not married and have children. If you don't wish to get married then make sure you have a few legal aspects set up such as wills, poa etc.

As for your original question yes it does change a relationship and you both have to work on it but most importantly you both have to parent as a team and work as a team.

He’s really incredible. He’s been with me through some really, really horrid times, a family bereavement and health issues, and never once wavered (I’d have left me, if I had to put up with how I was!)

No, no not at all. He just mentioned it all at once because the deadline for the DoV is coming up and he said, ideally, he’d have wanted to have started trying by Christmas. But there’s really no pressure on me!

And yes - obviously a lot of relationships survive it without a practice run (previous poster) but i wouldn't recommend that. It's your future we're talking about here not a trip to Thorpe Park.

If he turns out to be a crap husband and father that's one big bite of a shit sandwich ...