How much does having a baby change your relationship?

[NeverHaveIEverBefore]

Hi everyone,

I’m 26, and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together for three years, and he’s due to inherit a property from his grandmother’s estate in the next six months or so.

Last night he raised to me that he’d be looking to sign a deed of variation that puts the property into joint names, mine and his. He said he sees his entire future with me and he wants to turn this into our family home. He then said he would like for us to start trying for a baby when we’ve moved in.

I was quite taken aback, I love him but I wasn’t expecting to hear this from him! He’s not pushed the point since last night, but it’s just completely taken me by surprise. How much does your relationship and life really change when you have a baby? Is this a totally crazy idea from him?

Our intentions are to marry each other. We’ve been very clear about it. If he’d had his way we’d have been engaged for about a year by now, coming up to our wedding! But I’m just not that arsed by it. It’s a lot of expense for not much reward, in my opinion.

This would make me want to run a mile to be honest. Rushing into giving you half a house and having a baby all at once at your age. Take your time, look into the legal protection that marriage offers and live together for a while before having a baby. Don't let him rush you.
And babies are indeed a huge strain on a relationship, especially if you haven't navigated cohabiting for a while first. It takes a while under the same roof for the masks to slip.

It changes your relationship for ever. It's no longer just the two of you, it's 3, and the child should always come first (as in their needs are more important). And they don't stay a baby for long, you're having a child rather than a baby. Their needs grow and change (as do yours) and so flexibility, support, a solid relationship where you share the same values, respect etc are all needed.

For some people it enriches their relationship as you adjust to being a family. Children can be both an absolute joy but also hard work where you'll have nights of fantasising of 5 minutes peace to yourself. Others don't cope with that change for whatever reasons and split (which can impact the child if not managed well).

On marriage - a friend of mine's partner suddenly passed away 6 months ago - they were not married (she always thought they had time). Without a marriage certificate she has had to provide all sorts of documentation and fill in all sort of forms over many months just to stay in their home - the stress was huge and is still ongoing, on top of the grief. Getting married affords you certain rights and protection, and I would certainly suggest getting legal advice if you decide not to marry at this point.

Marriage is not expensive. Weddings are expensive. Marriage provides great returns on investment for most women.

It doesn't have to be expensive unless you want an insta wedding.
You're apparently ignoring various posters re marriage actually having significant implications financially (have you read any threads where a 'D'P leaves and the woman is penniless up shit creek?)
There are implications around tax, pensions etc

Getting married doesn't need to be expensive.

A Big Wedding is obvs.

I have no idea why PPs on this thread are being so negative. Plenty of relationships that follow the "ideal" timeline crash and burn, and plenty that don't - like mine! - thrive.

Weddings do not have to be expensive all day affairs. You’re probably spending a chunk of money already on moving in with him so do not leave yourself open to even more risk by thinking erroneously that marriage does not bring with it much reward.

I would also suggest you seek your own legal advice re this deed of variation.

A marriage is not about the wedding. Like PPs have said, it is important to get married. Why not just have a register office do and then a fun party at a pub, or something. Or elope!

and you'd recommend that gamble for a daughter of yours yes?

OPs not asking for hopeful stories against the odds, she's trying to make an informed decision.

I agree about elope or have reception in the pub though 😀

“It’s a lot of expense for not much reward, in my opinion.”.

The reward is legal protection of your financial future. It’s priceless. You’re being a bit idealistic.

I don’t see him as an investment - he’s my life partner. I love him, he loves me. We’re going to own the house as joint tenants, so (god forbid) if one of us were to die, the other would automatically inherit the other half.

You are not investing in him. You're investing in yourself. And there's more to consider than the house. Especially once babies come along.
Do yourself a favor and have a proper look into the legal implications before forming an opinion.

Have you researched inheritance tax rules? Nobody wants to think the worst might happen, but it makes sense to understand what it would mean in practical terms if it did.

I’m very aware of IHT, at the moment we’re both beneath the threshold.

If he turns out to be a crap husband and father that's one big bite of a shit sandwich ...

And you are also left holding the baby literally...

In some ways it changes nothing but equally a baby changes everything.

The mortgage in both names is nice but wont cut it long term. What about pensions, savings, reduced earning???

Get married first.
Cannot stress this enough.

Its not about him being an investment its about making educated intelligent pragmatic decisions to ensure adequate financial provision for yourself and your child in a variety of unforeseeable circumstances.

For context, I earn double what my husband does (approx £200k) and have 2 small kids so know exactly what it does to careers and earning potential. Answer: nothing good.

This. 100% if you can survive the wedding you are more prepared for the baby.
your relationship will take 2nd place once that baby is born. Some relationships are ok with that, for others it’s quite damaging.

Well of course you are now. You're only 26 years old!

I'd check out the inheritance tax side of things there OP. That's where my (unmarried) friend is coming unstuck!

If you both see each other as your life partner then why not marry first before embarking on parenthood almost straight away when you’ve moved in?.

Again you cannot afford to sleepwalk when it comes to your financial future.

We’re both committed to getting married in the future - and the IHT NRB (more so the RNRB) don’t just apply to post-marital assets.

Because we want a nice wedding, and it’s not top of our priorities right now. I have no intention of leaving him, and he has no intention of leaving me.

Okay well you seem to have it all figured out, so obviously don’t need or want advice on that score. But yes, having a baby changes everything massively. Don’t underestimate that.