How much does having a baby change your relationship?

[NeverHaveIEverBefore]

Hi everyone,

I’m 26, and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together for three years, and he’s due to inherit a property from his grandmother’s estate in the next six months or so.

Last night he raised to me that he’d be looking to sign a deed of variation that puts the property into joint names, mine and his. He said he sees his entire future with me and he wants to turn this into our family home. He then said he would like for us to start trying for a baby when we’ve moved in.

I was quite taken aback, I love him but I wasn’t expecting to hear this from him! He’s not pushed the point since last night, but it’s just completely taken me by surprise. How much does your relationship and life really change when you have a baby? Is this a totally crazy idea from him?

yup, thats the 'what life throws at you' and what every good partner does for the person they love.

there is alot of that. especially wiping shit off things with a baby.

But its the bloody hum drum that sets the score, because in many ways its harder to deal with than the moments which require you to be the hero.

Sounds like you need a bit of time to get your head round the idea of starting a family which is totally fair.

I would propose to your boyfriend that you’d like to spend a year living together, sorting out the house, making any lifestyle changes that are needed before trying for a baby to get yourself in the best position, and investigating your fertility so you know what the score is with that.

That will give you the time you need to say goodbye to your current carefree life and enjoy every minute of it while you can, for example taking some good final couple holidays together. It gives you a chance to get into a routine with shared household tasks so everything feels good and equitable before adding a baby to the mix. Most importantly you can get yourself together psychologically for the inevitable changes to your relationship and lives in general.

I would also put a timeline on marriage and spend the year saving for that, taking advantage of the lack of mortgage / rent and childcare costs to do so.

Having a baby changes any relationship massively. How so, depends on the people involved and the other pressures which may bear upon them and their relationship (eg family, work, big differences in incomes and resulting debates about whose career is more important when it comes to the sacrifices required for childcare). It is a truism that nothing anyone tells you can prepare you for what it will be like for you.

have you ever hear of the phrase 'hope for the best but prepare for the worst'

this is all people are saying, in the simplest terms.

If if if if if if fucking if

OP look at my previous comment, my DH went from perfect partner to perfect father. I don't believe that your boyfriend will turn into a big baddie as soon as you move in. And I don't think a lot of PP are actually say that.

If you are really against marriage before baby, then make sure boyfriend is paying for your private pension contributions whilst you go part time for the baby.

Missing out on compound interest is such a bitch and it'll be nearly impossible to catch up. It's only in later life you realise how far behind maternity and part time work pushes you behind.

Also, and I guess I'm talking only from my POV here. So many people are warning you very strongly, not because they wish others warned them. Because chances are they were warned by someone or another.

But it is because they really wish that they had listened.

It didn't really change our relationship that much to be honest, but we knew each other very very well. We'd lived together for 4 years, we'd done a lot of travelling and been through very stressful situations together so knew how we'd cope 'under pressure'. We'd discussed in detail what we'd be like as parents, what our key values were, what was important to us and we've stuck to it without wavering. It's made it all very seamless.
Anecdotally, I know a few people who have been together for a while, married, lived together for a year or so, but they haven't gone through something 'stressful' where they absolutely need to work as a team, and then the baby comes along and it's like "oh my god, my DH is a flailer!" or "why is DW not playing as a team with me!". Even 'minor' stress, like you're halfway around the world and your flight is cancelled - what do you do? How do you react?

In terms of marriage, every situation is different. Having a baby made no difference to my career, to be honest it accelerated it. And financially, I'm much better off not being married so you need to look at your own personal circumstances.

You’ve already said if you split up you’d ask to be bought out?

look I’ve been married 9 years, we’re currently pregnant. I cannot imagine my life without them. And we’re really happy and have no major troubles. But I know having a baby can impact a relationship and we’ve already discussed how we would expect things to be if we ever broke up in future - 50/50 but trying to do it in the least disruptive way. Maybe that’s morbid to others, but I know that if we ever broke up, we’d both be able to manage a household on our income, neither of us would be left in the lurch, everything would be 50/50. I think you need to be realistic and have a plan for worst case senario,

In my worse case senario I get asked for a divorce but legally I’m entitled to half of everything and we’d have to agree a custody arrangement.

In your worst case senario you would be left with a part time job, and 50% of the house and less earning potential. Your bf will have a promising career, a pension pot, and any other assets/inheritance. If he decides he doesn’t want to by CMS he would just need to ask for 50/50 custody. Marriage is so important when you are the one making sacrifices and you are being very niaive to want to ignore all the advice just so you can have a nice party. Once you have a baby and decide you want to get married, he might have decided that actually why bother

Doesn’t mean I’m planning on leaving him?

Tbf to the PP, you said you would in an earlier post!

If we split up it’s the same as if we’d bought - someone buys the other out or we sell, but neither of us are planning on that.

I have a friend whose husband loved her. One day he punched her in the face and then became an alcoholic and drug addict.

Another friend had a husband who loved her. He also became an alcoholic and she had to ask him to leave.

Another friend had a husband who loved her but he became emotionally abusive.

A friend whose husband loved her became a widow when her husband died by suicide.

Another friend had a wife who loved him but she became an alcoholic and unfit to look after their children so he had to leave her.

Another friend had a wife who loved him, until she fell into bed with someone else and the marriage broke up.

Most people are not alcoholics or violent or addicts or cheats or at risk of suicide.

But some are. And you can’t necessarily predict if someone is going to end up doing any of those things (obviously- otherwise no one would have married them in the first place).

And quite apart from traumatic situations, plenty of couples drift apart because they grow in different directions as they move through life, or they end up wanting different things. My husband and I aren’t the same people we were 27 years ago when we started out. That seems like a lifetime ago now.

There is an awful lot of luck involved in a relationship lasting long term.

Hopefully you and he will live happily ever after, but posters are simply asking you to consider that life sometimes throws curveballs, and that you should protect yourself- and especially any children you might have.

Yes - but I’ve maintained through this thread that I will not leave him.

Implying that he’ll hit me is a massive stretch.

We’re not, but no one plans on splitting up when everything is good. Sensible people do make sure that they’ll be ok if that does happen though.

And saying you wouldn’t take half of his inheritance if you split up? If you were entitled to it, especially if you had kids, you would be incredibly stupid not to. And IF he cheated or treated you badly, not saying he will, but if he did, I guarantee you will take everything you can and you won’t feel so fondly towards him! You need to get in the real world where unfortunately not everyone does live happily ever after. Many people change years down the line, sometimes sooner, they lie and cheat and fall out of love etc….none will have started off thinking it would happen, most were probably head over heels in love thinking they were the perfect couple, but things can change.

OH MY GOD NOBODY IS IMPLYING HE WILL HIT YOU.

Has to be a wind up at this point. Grow up OP.

Well no, obviously but what if you find out something about him in the next 6 months that you couldn’t live with? You are not psychic and no one knows what the future has in store. Anything could happen. You might meet someone else, or he might turn out to be a serial killer. You could move in with him and find him to be the most annoying person alive but he’s just been very good at hiding his annoying habits. Or he could get hit by a bus and have amnesia and cannot rememebrr the three years you’ve had together and so doesn’t want to be with you anymore. All crazy and unlikely. But you don’t know anyone 100%

Why on earth would you have a child with someone you aren't married to Absolutely bonkers.

Not read the whole thread as in the midst of dinner, but OP, please get married before you have a baby. All the protections aside, if something were to happen to you or the child- let’s say a complicated birth, you’re incapacitated and unable to make medical decisions for you or your baby, because you’re not married he doesn’t get a say in the medical treatment of the baby as he will have no parental rights at that point or for you either. Your legal next of kin (parents if you still have them) would have all the say and your partner would be completely helpless to make decisions for his own child.
Just get married. I had a very small, low key wedding, it was intimate and personal and lovely. It doesn’t have to be a massive, expensive OTT thing. I think mine cost about £2.5k all in for ten guests at a lovely venue that holds personal meaning to us and it would have been even cheaper than that if we’d just gone to a registry office.

If you need to look at it another way, if you’re happy and intend to get married you’ll never look back and regret getting married. But if anything goes wrong you very quickly will regret not getting married.

Well that’s probably what a lot of women thought before their partners started abusing them.

I’ve heard of a women who had the most perfect relationship. They got married and on their wedding night he choked her with a towel until she passed out. It came out of nowhere. He never had to lay a finger on her again because if she ever did something he didn’t like he’d just tap the towel to remind her what he is capable of.

statisticslly speaking being pregnant increasing the risk of domestic abuse. But no one is saying that is something that certainly will happen. But it’s something that could.

Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst.
When I married my first husband I thought he was the loveliest man on earth ( we were 24 and 25). Two children later he became someone I didn't recognise . We were married so I had the force of law behind me in terms of what I was entitled to. If we hadnt been married he would have disappeared off the face of the earth ( with the 17 year old he was shagging)

Ever? No matter what happens?

I genuinely don’t think you’re mature enough for the kind of relationship that lasts long term if you make statements like this.

I adore my partner. We have a child together. He is a fantastic person. I respect, love and trust him. He is my best friend. He’s an incredible parent.

But people who have thought all of those things about their partner have still had that partner either leave them, cheat on them or let them down in some other way that makes the relationship unsalvegable.

Do you really think that all the women blindsided by a partner cheating knew their partner would cheat? Of course they don’t.

Your relationship isn’t so unique that it’s bullet proof. Arguably none is.

If my partner cheated me, gambled away our family security or lost his head in some other way then I would leave him. I don’t think it will happen because I’ve known him for so long and lived with him day in day out but it would be arrogant of me to think that I’m the only person ever who couldn’t possible be blindsided by unexpected behaviour from a partner.

Arrogant and very naive.

I’m not implying that he will hit you. Sorry if you find this rude but I think your reading comprehension could do with some work. Maybe slow down and try to actually digest and understand what people are saying.

The point I am making is that none of us can predict the future. We can be with someone for ten years before getting married and moving in together and it can still go wrong because humans are unpredictable and, well, human.

We can’t predict or prevent what other humans will do- but we can at least protect ourselves in case the worst does happen.

I’m sure you’re right that he will never hit you. My husband has never hit me either, thankfully. But I do also have a friend who thought her husband would never hit her and he unfortunately did.

That is the point I’m making- it’s a lottery.

The way you keep insisting that you love each other and neither of you would ever hurt each other is quite insulting to all of the people who have entered relationships which have subsequently gone wrong. Do you think those people went into those relationships thinking ‘Well, I know it won’t last/he’ll turn out to be a wrong’un, but fuck it, I’ll move in with him anyway’.

As thousands of unmarried women on here will attest, once you've got a house , had a baby , need a new bathroom, want another baby, need to pay someone to make the garden nice for the children you'll never, ever, ever prioritise a wedding . If you want a 'proper' wedding then do it before he's seen your fanny split in half and blood all over the floor and up the walls. If you want the big dress and all the rest do it before the baby .