How much does having a baby change your relationship?

[NeverHaveIEverBefore]

Hi everyone,

I’m 26, and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together for three years, and he’s due to inherit a property from his grandmother’s estate in the next six months or so.

Last night he raised to me that he’d be looking to sign a deed of variation that puts the property into joint names, mine and his. He said he sees his entire future with me and he wants to turn this into our family home. He then said he would like for us to start trying for a baby when we’ve moved in.

I was quite taken aback, I love him but I wasn’t expecting to hear this from him! He’s not pushed the point since last night, but it’s just completely taken me by surprise. How much does your relationship and life really change when you have a baby? Is this a totally crazy idea from him?

No, it isn’t. The property would remain in his sole name, and should we divorce there’s the expectation that the split begins at 50/50 - but there is of course the proviso that this is an inheritance and thus the court could easily keep it outside of the “pot”, so to speak.

No-one plans to get divorced 😂Half of all marriages do end up that way though.

I find it frustrating that everyone’s automatically looking for the worst in him, when I know what he’s like.

Having a child hugely changes a relationship. It's just completely different dynamics. Three years is a solid base but definitely do not have a child until you are married. Discuss in advance expectations. Are you planning to work full time or part time. Do you have any family who can help or would it be paid childcare. Are you joining your finances or is it seperate accounts. Its exciting thinking about the future but lots can happen you don't expect so you need be clear about everything.

Nope, not true. Read the thread back. People have pointed out that someone CAN change and that you don’t know what they’re like to live with until you actually live with them.

You’re misrepresenting the advice people have shared because you’ve taken it as criticism of your partner as an individual rather than understanding people are pointing out a general fact.

Your partner sounds lovely and so do you. There’s no reason it won’t work between you and no reason you won’t have a great marriage and family together.

Being so defensive in any area of your life only makes it more stressful, so it’s definitely something to work on before introducing kids into the mix!

Everything’s going to become joint when we move in together. I think that I probably go part time at work, at least until the child is school aged - by which time he will (hopefully) be in a higher position and therefore have more flexibility

Everything’s going to become joint when we move in together. I think that I probably go part time at work, at least until the child is school aged - by which time he will (hopefully) be in a higher position and therefore have more flexibility

JFC
is it really? Are your pensions joint? Are your savings joint? Will your earning power and career progression be joint after going part time? 🤦‍♀️

I'm out...

my head hurts from banging it against a brick wall...

OP, you are idealistic (‘we don’t plan to split up’ 😂) and naïve, which isn’t a crime but what is very annoying is that you aren’t listening to anyone here. Women who have been through all sorts in their lives and are trying to share the benefit of their experience.

At this point, all there is left to say is ‘Do what you like OP. You obviously know best, so crack on’.

Good luck with it all.

This
Ask yourself a few questions:

Who does his laundry at present and cleans his room?
He lives with his family or has he left home and been independent?
Does his mum do everything for his dad? If so, that is the "template" in his head for how things should work.
In short, what evidence do you have that he will do 50/50 of the shit work - literally cleaning the toilet, as well as all the other drudgery.

How is he with life admin? Pays his bills on time? Has no problem sorting out car insurance and changing phone contracts? Keeps up with his emails?
Or are you happy to be the 'organiser' for him and do more than 50% of the mental load? (Google mental load).

How are his spending habits? Does he have a taste for fancy clothes and shoes? Expensive hobbies with lots of equipment? Was he brought up with lot of foreign holidays? Does he always have to buy the newest tech?
How will he cope with having a severely restricted personal income because most of his earnings need to be spent on the family?

How does he spend his time? Does he play computer games for hours? Does he do a sport several times a week, or every weekend? Does he often go for 'lads' nights with his friends, or weekends away with the lads several times a year? How will he cope with massive demands on his time, with very little time for himself or his friends because he has to do 50% of the childcare in the evenings and at weekends, as well as spending quality time with you?

How demanding is his job? How long is his commute? What is his profession and will he likely have to move to another area/city and take a new job to progress? Is he driven to put his career first, before you or the child's schooling?

Will he take more than two weeks paternity leave? Will he take days off work to look after a sick child while you go to work? Will he leave work early to collect the child from childcare or school? Can he start work late to do the morning drop-offs? Will he take two weeks holiday in the summer to do childcare alone during school holidays while you work?

Or, can he afford to, and is he willing to, let you be a SAHP (stay at home parent) for a decade or more, with absolutely no resentment or holding it over you that he is the one who is supporting you? Would he pay into a pension in your name if you were a SAHP?

because it will be the marital home. You can be added to deeds, and I would suggest it, but if it DID go tits up several years down the line, it would be considered that if you were married and had given up work to raise children anyway. If it is lived in as the family home, it is generally considered used for the family benefit, so generally considered a marital asset.

I mean if you think its all going to be fine, then whats the point of putting you on the deeds right now, as you will never be able to realise that investment unless you split, and thats not going to happen?

I think you misunderstand people here. And Im sure he is a lovely bloke - everything you say suggests he is. However many of us are older in the tooth than we wish to admit, and we have seen many a perfect love story end in tears, many from the women, because they got carried away in love and forgot to put their hard financial hat on.

Marriage gives security if you are the lower paid, and the one giving up work to look after the children. How much you want the children doesnt come into it.

Unmarried mothers giving up work so their partners dont have to take the hit on their careers benefits the man whilst impacting the woman greatly. Men with children are seen as responsible and promoted. Women with children are seen as a risk, and this is where the gender gap in pay kicks in. Added to that the financial dependancy, and the gradually falling into the support role, responsible for everything within the home. If you have a good man, this is not a problem. But too too many men still rail against this, as it goes against a good two thousand years of socialisation.......

so no, we dont say he is a baddun. We dont say he is going to leave you. But we say you dont really know each other yet as you have never just done the humdrum day to day on your own, and figured out all the questions, all the who does whats, survived the first big row.

You dont know and we dont know how things will play out, but is it not sensible to take steps to protect yourself. Shouldnt he want you to be protected, and to make decisions based on the best timings, on being ready, rather than a probate timeline.

It’s incredibly stupid to be willing to sign over half a house to you when you have never even lived together.

You need to live with someone for a while before you can really know if you are compatible life partners.

It all sounds very immature, which is fine as you’re quite young, but I don’t think you should bring a baby into this until you have both matured.

Please get married before having a baby OP.

I’ve already answered this

he does his own laundry and cleans his room. His parents list things equally. I know he’s a good person from how he’s stepped up for me and my family in the past

we might not have done the “hum drum”, but we have done the death, the illnesses, me needing to quite literally have shit cleaned off me.

Okay I’m done 😂 I think you are foolish to ignore the wisdom of so many women here who have taken the time to advise you. But I suppose that’s something that comes with maturity.

Statistics suggest marriage is important…the Millennium Cohort Study found that by the time their child was 7:

• Around 25% of married parents had separated
• Around 56% of cohabiting (unmarried) parents had separated

but of course you and your boyfriend are special 😉

(full study here: https://cls.ucl.ac.uk/cls-studies/millennium-cohort-study/
)

Best of luck OP!

You are misreading this massively.

People aren’t giving you this advice because of anything about him individually.

They’re telling you how best to protect yourself (and your future children) in any relationship that will involve children.

Read the thread back with a less impulsive reaction and you’ll see that! Nobody has said he sounds bad at all. Multiple people have said he sounds lovely!

This is about sensible protections for you as a woman who is likely to become a parent with him.

But the hum drum is the important bit! Most of life is the hum drum. Even more so when there's a baby. Doubly so when neither of you has actually lived independently or managed a household before!

Contingencies are about mitigating risks.

Saying “ABC could happen so doing XYZ is sensible to protect yourself just in case of the worst” is not the same as saying “he will do ABC so you have to do XYZ”.

Can’t you see the difference?

It does change a relationship. As does living together. But both can be wonderful. Maybe try living together for a year first - and let the dust settle and you get used to it and into your new routine before you start trying. Otherwise you're taking on a LOT in a very short space of time. Good luck x

Yes exactly, it’s all very immature. In a few years time another woman will be posting on mumsnet saying her OH is refusing to marry her without a prenup because his ex took half of his inheritance after living together for 6months and he’s now jaded and cynical but wants her to have a baby with him.

If anyone I knew planned to give away half of their inheritance to someone they’re not married to or had a child with I’d be questioning their sanity

Don't answer me or us here - I said ask yourself.
Mull over these things for several days or weeks.

BTW - having a baby wrecks your body. Your bust will likely never be as firm or uplifted, your vagina will likely be larger, your tummy may become flabby, you will likely get stretch marks, and that is without considering the potential for scars in the perineum or a c-section.
Then add several months of sleep deprivation. You will look ten years older in no time.
It is good to know this in advance, as you may find you grieve the loss of your young pre-baby body.
But of course having a child makes up for this (genuinely, not being sarcastic).

One more thing - would you consider a civil partnership before getting pregnant, which gives you the legal protections (from what I know), but as it is not a "proper" marriage you can still have the full wedding experience later on.

The thing is, I’d not do that. I love him.

It’s great that he’s proposed this financial equity from the start of future family life. But you would still be well advised to get married before starting a family, assuming that you’ll be the one doing more of the childcare and career sacrifice, that is.

Whether or not you want to start a family in the near future is a different question of course. If you don’t, I wouldn’t be persuaded into it by the financial security.

If you were splitting up, you wouldn't love him any more. And yes, you would (and should) do that because you'd have a child to support.

I’m not going to leave him! Why do you seem convinced we will break up