How much does having a baby change your relationship?

[NeverHaveIEverBefore]

Hi everyone,

I’m 26, and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together for three years, and he’s due to inherit a property from his grandmother’s estate in the next six months or so.

Last night he raised to me that he’d be looking to sign a deed of variation that puts the property into joint names, mine and his. He said he sees his entire future with me and he wants to turn this into our family home. He then said he would like for us to start trying for a baby when we’ve moved in.

I was quite taken aback, I love him but I wasn’t expecting to hear this from him! He’s not pushed the point since last night, but it’s just completely taken me by surprise. How much does your relationship and life really change when you have a baby? Is this a totally crazy idea from him?

Nice weddings are famously much easier to fund and enjoy when there's a nursery bill and norovirus to contend with. Sounds a great plan.

(Lighthearted)

Well you apparently have all the answers already and we dont know anything so i don't why are you posting on here? 😅

I asked about how it changes a relationship. Not to be told my boyfriend is horrid and will leave me the second I fall pregnant!

For me it changed everything, and not for the better. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids and I’d do anything for them.
BUT living with someone doesn’t change you as a person. Getting married doesn’t change you as a person. Getting a pet doesn’t change you as a person. But a baby changes everything! Your brain chemistry changes, your body image changes, your financial situation changes as you most likely won’t be working full time after babies born, and you’ll most likely be the one to take the hit taking maternity leave. My husband said he’d pay more into the bills when we had our first, and did, but when the second arrived and then third, less and less was contributed and I was expected to be an equal partner, despite only being able to work part time due to childcare.
while I’d never get married again, if you’re planning to have kids, make sure you’re married, otherwise he can leave you with nothing, and you’ll have no legal standing to get anything from him.

Go and live life for a bit. You are still very young and seem to want to jump straight into middle age.

You’ve not know each other long and don’t even live together. It’s way too soon to be removing all future options.

One massive financial plus for us is that we’d be mortgage free though - which is one of the sparks for the conversation. We’d looked at moving in together and rent/mortgages, but then he inherited the property

What’s your idea of a nice wedding? Marriage also is far more than one wedding day when you dress up.

More discussions are needed between you and he . You cannot speak for him when you state he has no intention of leaving you. Such thoughts are idealistic.

My rule of thumb, hold off getting married until You’re 30, then have kids.
so much changes in your 20’s, it’s much more risky to grow apart.

Him signing away half of his house to you is just strange and either really niaive of him or more cynical, a way to control you. I honestly just think I’d have alarm bells. You don’t have children yet but he’s willing to give you a huge chunk of his asset? Why? You could live together and decide to get married and have children and then put you on the deeds. He’s taking a huge gamble? Makes no sense

Nobody has said that. People are just trying to answer your question that YES having a baby massively changes everything in ways you can’t anticipate. So all you can do is be as prepared as you can and make sure you protect yourself if things change in ways you don’t foresee. So maybe listen to the learned wisdom of people with relevant experience and make a decision based on that. If you don’t want to, that’s entirely your choice.

Fantastic opportunity to save for a little while and properly set yourselves up for life then! You're wasting it rushing into a baby without the protection of marriage.

Because we love each other, would be moving in together and getting a mortgage together and owning a house together anyway, this is literally just a case of it coming at the perfect time. As he has an interest in the property, he’s no longer classed as a first time buyer, so it would mean we have to pay stamp duty when we buy. This is basically cutting out the mortgage part of buying together

To answer your actual question OP, it changes everything but not necessarily for the worst though many people IRL I find imply that!

I would say that it highlights the best and worst of your relationship. If your communication style needs any work, the stress of adding a child to the mix will mean you need to work on it quickly and effectively or things can unravel. If you aren’t on the same page with finances (and you should be talking about how mat leave will be funded now, not just once you’re pregnant) then any resentment will grow exponentially etc.

But my god looking at the person you already love and watching them be as obsessed with a little person you’ve made as you are makes you love them more than ever, it really does.

I would strongly recommend never ever having a baby with a man unless he already sees house chores in a home you share as a joint responsibility, genuinely, rather than as him ‘helping’ you. I really mean that. And that’s why I think it’s crazy for anyone to have a baby without having lived together first.

Go and see a solicitor together to discuss the protections of marriage for both parties and make sure that you include in your discussions maternity leave and the financial cost to a woman of being the primary carer day to day if the man is a higher earner and stays full time throughout the child’s life.

Yes, having a baby changes relationships for most people. I found it akin to throwing a hand grenade into my marriage (particularly as our first DC was quite challenging to look after). Luckily, we emerged from the rubble still friends and still committed to each other. Our DCs are young adults now and we have been together for 27 years.

Don’t underestimate how hard it might be OP. Not everyone seems to find parenting hard, but I would say almost everyone does.

And yes. Please get married before you have a baby. You can get married for a few hundred pounds in a registry office, it doesn’t have to be a big deal or a big expense. But it’s an important legal document.

Whilst it’s great that you have no intention of leaving him (and vice versa) couples who do split up also at one time had no intention of splitting up 😂

This is excellent advice. Use this time to enjoy being a couple and solidifying your unit in ways that may have been harder to do while not sharing a home together.

It’s not negative for people to say they think that some time trialling living together, followed by the protection of marriage, is a sensible plan before trying for a baby - it’s based on decades of women who skipped these steps often regretting it and paying the price!

I also think deciding to have a baby with someone you have not yet lived with is madness.

A PP was in that situation and it worked out for them but it’s hardly something you would do deliberately, surely?!

But that’s his inheritance and you are just a girlfriend. You move in and you find out that you cannot stand the way he picks his toes/expects you to do his laundry/leaves the toilet seat up and you decide you want to break up then he’s given you £0000000 for what? As I said, he stands to lose a lot of money if you decide you don’t want to be with him any more. Some people don’t even agree to share that kind of asset with the person they are married to and have kids with. So strange

You'd be very foolish not to get married first OP. Regardless of good intentions, if it all goes wrong somewhere down the line you'll have no good legal recourse.

Get married on the cheap (even in secret!) at the local register office. Then have a big wedding or family do a few years later if you want. But protect yourself and your future children first. Take a look at the (many) threads of the women who've sadly been caught out by this.

My advice would be to take the advice you've been given here!

I agree with this. Perhaps he does just adore her. But I would still tread with caution.

It is amazing that he wants to put half the house in your name, and that is a huge commitment for him, and shows you that he think you have a solid relationship and will be together for ever.

I wouldn't do that, give away half a house, because I got divorced, so know that it doesn't always last forever.

You do need to discuss jobs, finances, childcare etc before you have a child. Live together for a couple of years before you have a child. A friend's DC moved in with their fiancé after living with his parents for a few years, and it was a huge shock to her, when he didn't do anything, wouldn't help around the house etc. they actually split up over it.

So live together, make sure you are compatible and no niggles before you have a child. Make sure that finance are split fairly.

What you don't want is him throwing his generosity in your face, and expecting you to do more/pay more because he gave you half a house. He either gives it willingly and freely, or not at all. He must know that if you split, you are now entitled to half of it legally.

Your boyfriend sounds decent tbh and I might have missed it but I cant see anyone on here slagging him off.

Relationships are nuanced. Children are a pure joy but they also bring strains and challenges you cannot imagine until you've had them and it is the men who can walk away from that easily. Not women.

And the women here are trying to give you good advice to protect yourself during what will be one of the most challenging and vulnerable times of your life and all you can hear is "they are slagging off my boyfriend"

Either try and listen or just crack on and pray for the best...

What would happen to the house if you broke up? Would you make him sell it and give you half the value, or take on a mortgage to buy you out?
He's being really silly not thinking of this!

The same as would happen if we broke up with a mortgage after buying together - one of us buys the other out, or we sell and take our 50% equity each.

I guess you have not sought your own independent legal advice from a conveyancing solicitor re this deed of variation.

At the very least you should have a cohabitation agreement in place if you move in with him.

It’s the same as us buying a house together (which is our other option)