How much does having a baby change your relationship?

[NeverHaveIEverBefore]

Hi everyone,

I’m 26, and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together for three years, and he’s due to inherit a property from his grandmother’s estate in the next six months or so.

Last night he raised to me that he’d be looking to sign a deed of variation that puts the property into joint names, mine and his. He said he sees his entire future with me and he wants to turn this into our family home. He then said he would like for us to start trying for a baby when we’ve moved in.

I was quite taken aback, I love him but I wasn’t expecting to hear this from him! He’s not pushed the point since last night, but it’s just completely taken me by surprise. How much does your relationship and life really change when you have a baby? Is this a totally crazy idea from him?

Having a baby changes your relationship more than you would ever think possible! I thought I was in the strongest marriage of all time and it almost broke us, we survived, but only just!! It’s not for the faint hearted and you need to really really want a child. Ignore people saying you must get married, that’s a very old school mindset and actually not required if you are prepared and ensure finances/legal issues are in order. I would a million per cent advise living with your boyfriend first as that’s also a real test but plenty of people have kids these days without being married x

And what if you cannot afford to buy him out?. The most likely outcome is that the property is sold. And if he has put more in he could argue that he’s talking more out or your contribution was small or not ring fenced. This is where a cohabitation agreement comes in if one was in place.

It’s not the same though because you have not contributed to the house at all. It his alone and it’s hilarious that you’d get him to give you half of its value as if you should be entitled to it if you broke up. He sounds very niaive. But you’re in for a huge unearned payday is good luck with that

It's so exciting to be living together for the first time - enjoy it! Don't have a baby straight away. It really won't be the same after.

You can enjoy the spontaneity and freedom that living together as an adult couple brings. You can afford the best holidays during the DINKY years. Really live your life!

My husband is an incredible man. Caring and kind and generous. That has only become more pronounced since we've had baby. But when you have a baby your life and relationship has to change.

Now I took my 4 month old traveling around SE Asia for over a month. So I'm not saying you have to lock yourself away! But you will have so much less time and energy for each other. Less energy to do nice things for each other. Less money to treat each other.

Really, please consider just enjoying the next stage in your life before rushing things.

Oh and DEFINITELY get married before baby. You will be disadvantaged with maternity (even if you take the minimum) with your career. Your later life will very likely be impacted and so you do need that legal protection in place in order to make that sacrifice.

Trust me! Have those financial conversations before baby. No one wants to be questioned on why you bought a coffee at a toddler morning on mat leave from the joint account. Or why you want to buy a 'nice to have' for the baby when it's not a need. Couples who are clear and agree about finances are the strongest.

Yeah it's really hard. It depends on so many things how much it will change a relationship. Have you talked about expectations when you have a baby?
How will maternity pay cut be funded? Do you have equal access to all the money?
Will you go back to work full time and if not how will that be funded.
Will he share the night wakes?
Is he willing to drop hours to accommodate pick up and drop off?
There's more but there is some good starter ones

OP does he come from a family with a lot of money? Given he's inheriting a whole house, I'm assuming he might. The cynic in me is wondering if he's thinking half of this house is a better gamble than half of everything he might inherit one day should you split? Something to consider.

My DH and I were married for 7 years before we even decided we wanted to have children and it still changed our relationship. It made it much more uneven, although we were in agreement about most things. This was 30+ years ago and many things have changed but the financial pressures on families are even tougher.

I think that the decision to have a child together is even more of a commitment than marriage. That's why marriage should come first.

Incidentally, how do your DP's family feel about him giving you half his inheritance?

Get the ring before he gets your womb girl!! I have a DD6 and DS4, pregnant with DD at 27. I would not have had this many kids so young if I didn’t have a lot of support. DB and SIL live close, we share childcare, in laws are happy to have them, my mum and dad will also have them. Because we have the support, our relationship is still good. Before you have a baby with him:

• Think really really carefully about if he will be a good dad. An active participant. Talk to him about what he think fatherhood is and how it will look. Ask him about how his day to day will look and what he thinks will change.
• If you like his answer, compare it to how he is now. Does he do house work? Does he take an active role in helping you? Can you actually see him fulfilling the role of farther like he says he will or do you think he’s chatting shit? If you can, try and see how he is with kids. Me and DH had baby sat for my brother loads, overnights ect. so I knew he was actually good with kids. That put my mind at ease a bit.
• Take stock of people in your life you think will help you. Honestly you never actually know till baby gets here. My sister always said she wants to be number one aunty who does everything… but she isn’t. Not everyone who says they will help actually will, and some people will surprise you.

That’s kind of what I did and how I thought about it. My DH wanted a baby, and so did I, but at the end of the day having a baby is always harder on the woman so unfortunately the due diligence falls on us. Also I said no baby before wedding and he had to get promoted. He didn’t actually get promoted but he started working for himself and did better than he would have with the promotion - which was more than acceptable.

OP, I sense that you aren't listening to good advice. If you're planning on having a baby, get married. You will leave yourself incredibly vulnerable if you don't. It's not just about the house, it's about his savings and pension to name but a few very important things. I know you think that nothing will ever go wrong but please, please believe me, it really can. Life has a nasty habit of changing overnight. The older you get, the more you'll realise this. If he wants a baby with you, then he should have no objection to marrying you beforehand. Just go to a registry office for now and have that big expensive wedding later. Your personal protection and that of your child is worth far more than a flashy white wedding, trust me.

Neither of us look at it this way. He’s probably going to inherit more than I will, but our families could also require 20+ years of intense and expensive care! He’s taken his own legal advice re the DoV, it was a requirement of the solicitors who are dealing with his grandmother’s estate. We both just thought it was the more sensible option than purchasing with him losing FTB status. Definitely no abuse or anything like that behind the scenes.

If he's inheriting do you both live at home ATM? Have you got savings?
Have a nice wedding. Don't go mad but if you want something not just registry office I'm sure you can.
Then have baby. You're both young it doesn't have to be immediately. Live together for a year or so then think about baby.

He’ll be an amazing dad. As I’ve said, he’s helped me through chronic health issues and a bereavement, and he’s gone above and beyond what he needed to do, everyone in my family was so impressed by how helpful he was.

What's his temperament like? Is he calm and stable or more emotive and up and down?

Is he a grafter or likes to sit about? When he comes to your place does he help with house stuff, washing up etc without being asked? Or does he sit on his phone and leave it to you.

What are his energy levels like and does he cope well with lack of sleep? Is he generally resilient?

Has he been kind and understanding when you're tired and/or ill and not up for sex?

Has he got and had good male role models in his life showing hands on active dads?

You can never know for sure but I think there are indications of how someone will cope with becoming a parent.

You're being foolish if you don't look at it that way. Please look at it all ways before having a child. You're being very naive. You owe it to yourself and your potential child to go into with your eyes wide open.
If you're just going to throw caution to the wind then go ahead. But why would you when you've got time and means to plan and protect yourself?

Then marry him. OP, listen - get that contract nailed down. Not just for you but for any children you have. It doesn't matter if he's an actual knight in shining fucking armour. You will leave you and most importantly your kids unprotected in so many ways that you haven't even thought of.

He’s the calmest, most gentle man ever. He’s a softie (so am I), and we’ve both cried together. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen him get angry at me. We’ve had heated discussions, but he’s never been truly angry.

He works so, so hard. Long days sometimes, but he always does it with a smile on his face. He doesn’t let me lift a finger, both when he’s visiting me and my parents, and when I’m at his. He’ll cook meals for my whole family without being asked. Last time he stayed at mine, he did all the washing, washing up and cooked dinner without me even mentioning that it needed to be done. I think my mum prefers him to me 🤣

he’s good at being tired, he just smiles and gets on with it.

like I’ve said, he is really good with me when I’m ill - he takes care of me so well.

his dad is amazing and his grandfather was even more so. His brothers are lovely too, so so kind and supportive.

That doesn’t sound like no pressure to me! I’d want to be married first. You can get married at a registry office for £50, just need two witnesses. And then you can start trying for a baby.

Have you shared finances? Talked about who will take what leave for how long and how it will be funded? Are you on the same page with childcare? Will one of you go part time, or will you split the nursery bill? Do you have the same opinions on feeding and sleep? How will you juggle hobbies, socializing and date nights? Who is the cook? Who is the cleaner? Do you share it all equally? How do you know?
Sure you don't have to figure it all out in advance but you're skipping some major steps so at least take your time and work some of it out properly.

It’s non negotiable for us to have our families there, and again - we would be buying together anyway! This has just saved us the costs of buying.

Awesome then! Proceed and procreate :)

To answer your actual question OP, it changes everything but not necessarily for the worst though many people IRL I find imply that!

I would say that it highlights the best and worst of your relationship. If your communication style needs any work, the stress of adding a child to the mix will mean you need to work on it quickly and effectively or things can unravel. If you aren’t on the same page with finances (and you should be talking about how mat leave will be funded now, not just once you’re pregnant) then any resentment will grow exponentially etc.

But my god looking at the person you already love and watching them be as obsessed with a little person you’ve made as you are makes you love them more than ever, it really does.

I would strongly recommend never ever having a baby with a man unless he already sees house chores in a home you share as a joint responsibility, genuinely, rather than as him ‘helping’ you. I really mean that. And that’s why I think it’s crazy for anyone to have a baby without having lived together first.

Go and see a solicitor together to discuss the protections of marriage for both parties and make sure that you include in your discussions maternity leave and the financial cost to a woman of being the primary carer day to day if the man is a higher earner and stays full time throughout the child’s life.

why not get married then, because the house would then be half yours anyway without the need to sign it over like that.

My advice, because yes, having a child changes EVERYTHING, would be to live together for a set period - say 2 years. By then you will be 5 years in. Then get married, then have the babies. Save the money you would have been using for rent / mortgage in these 2 years. Use it for the wedding and to pay for maternity leave. If after 2 years there are cracks, its all your money to leave, which means he doesnt lose his home. Hopefully it will be the wedding, but they say it usually takes a couple of years of living with someone to see the real person. It also gives you time to build your career so that you dont necesarily have to be entirely taking the child hit.
Have one child and wait 2 years for the next. Check he keeps up his side of childcare/housework. Maternity leave doesnt mean you are responsible for the home all of a sudden. Make sure he keeps helping in that. remember that child no 2 is easier in some ways and much harder in others - trying to juggle two heading in different directions in regards nursery/ school etc. You need to know he will step up for sick days/pick ups/ clubs/ all the mental load, and when number 2 comes, sometimes its when the working / kids becomes hard to manage, which is why the mum, usually, stays home and stuff starts to go wrong.

No one said that. You clearly only want an echo chamber.

Hey! Great question. I would say your life changes very very profoundly when you have kids - you act in their self interest rather than your own and you have a lot less time to do the stuff you enjoyed previously- this can also mean a big shift in the way you and others see you and physical and emotional changes. I would think about it very deeply before going into it. Kids are great, IF you want to be a parent. But I think you have to really want it!

Do you actually want a baby right now? It sounds like you were quite content as you have been. I've been with my partner since I was 24, but I couldn't have been less interested in having a baby at 26. And if you're talking about marriage, you are already engaged - no need for a proposal, just have a conversation and set a date.

I wouldn't have a baby with a man I hadn't lived with for a while. You need to know how he is when he's not on his best behaviour. And yes, babies change relationships significantly. You will probably have moments where your absolutely hate him. It's normal.