How much does having a baby change your relationship?

[NeverHaveIEverBefore]

Hi everyone,

I’m 26, and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together for three years, and he’s due to inherit a property from his grandmother’s estate in the next six months or so.

Last night he raised to me that he’d be looking to sign a deed of variation that puts the property into joint names, mine and his. He said he sees his entire future with me and he wants to turn this into our family home. He then said he would like for us to start trying for a baby when we’ve moved in.

I was quite taken aback, I love him but I wasn’t expecting to hear this from him! He’s not pushed the point since last night, but it’s just completely taken me by surprise. How much does your relationship and life really change when you have a baby? Is this a totally crazy idea from him?

Maturity wise OP there’s probably some work to be done - nobody said that he’s horrid and will leave you the second you fall pregnant. Why have you suggested that’s been the general consensus when it hasn’t at all? Many of us posted thoughtful and in depth answers to your question.

I’ve wanted a baby since I was about 16 😂 I’ve always known being a mum is the one thing I was made to do

Pretty much every answer is a variation of “as soon as you move in together, he’ll change” - I’ve really seen no indication of that from him at all. He moved in with me (and my family) on a temporary basis about a year ago when my dad and I were going through health issues at the same time. The way he looked after us all was enough for me to know that he’ll be amazing when we move in together. He really has the biggest heart

Yes, babies change everything. And it highlights minor inequalities and potentially blows them up to be major issues - eg his Saturday football and training two nights a week. When you cant even get a shower. That will wear thin quickly. His expensive hobbies continue when you are on maternity leave and scrabbling for money for a coffee out. His expectations that as you are on maternity leave the house should be spotless and dinner on the table when he comes in. It's hard. Your body is never the same. There are massive responsibilities/curtailments to freedom. My sporty two seater coupe had to go in exchange for a people carrier (not that I'm bitter...)

Does he have expectations that finances would be joint and that childcare and things for the child would be a joint cost? Or would the expectation would be that the child is yours and all sleepless nights, drop offs, pick ups, childcare costs would be yours?

And what about money - if you maybe only go back to work part time or become a SAHM? Are you going to have to be begging for money.

The house thing seems a bit like love bombing. He's taking a huge, huge gamble How acrimonious would it get when in 6 months time you find you are incompatible living together and want out? I think I'd be resisting although the plan seems logical and sensible. Is the house so massive that if you did split up and had to sell there's still be enough money for a decent property each? As that's the only reason I can see for this situation to work. Im presuming that this deed of variation is to do with IHT?

What do his family think?

Is the house ownership going to be thrown up every time you have a row?

It's very tempting to go with as you'll have 50% of an asset for free. It would make me feel that I was trapped as I'd feel guilty splitting up and forcing a house sale. I think I'd be saying no thanks, for the time being. Pay him rent (or no rent), save some money (don't fritter your lack of housing costs away). Have a good time (nice holidays/trips). Set a date for the wedding. Get put on the deeds then (so it's not ringfenced for his benefit). Get your career/job on track. Start trying to conceive in 2 or three years.

A baby completely changes your relationship. Women often give up the most for their families. Your boyfriend wants to ensure you are on the deed to the house. In this economy that’s as romantic as it can get. He’s saying he trusts you, will provide for you and wants you in his life.

The question is - do you even want children? It’s ok if you don’t want them. But don’t do it just because you want to make your boyfriend happy - or because he’s gifting you a house.

I found that the love for my child far eclipses that of my partner. He changed after I got pregnant and even more so after we took our baby home from the hospital. He became jealous and insecure.

yes, being a parents really highlights how selfish we are when we are single - and I dont mean that in a bad way - we all need time to be selfish and find out who we are, have fun, and find what makes us tick.
But there is nothing worse than being a new mum, understanding you need to give EVERYTHING to this new little being, and your partner still not being in that place, thinking 'oh having children wont change me'. Done right, having a child makes you grow up.

Why the rush to have a child though, to start trying before Christmas. Thats just a blink away? why not enjoy your relative financial freedom for a while? Its hard in this day to have that freedom that many of us oldtimers on here took for granted. Life is pretty tough for young people right now, so why not mmake the most of it. I dont understand his desire to have a baby so quickly, especially if you have never lived together. The deed of variation doesnt need to be done, so it takes the pressure right off. Not if you wait a bit. Then get married. Then have a child. The house will become yours on marriage, so no DoV needed.

His family are really, really encouraging of it. They love me (how big headed does that sound lol), my family love his. He’d marry me in a heartbeat but I want the wedding as well

The house won’t become mine on marriage - I don’t know how you think that works?

I’m not going to talk about financial situation or the fact he could leave you down the line. But assuming you stay together having a baby is a MASSIVE change anyway. Your ability to go out of an evening, go away for weekends, go to a gig, go the gym do a class, get a job etc etc all revolve around the baby. Someone has to look after baby, do nursery pick ups, get up with a sick baby. The first 6 months are a gruelling and relentless lack of sleep and routine of feeding, changing, bathing, baby classes etc. Basically the baby becomes the focus. Lots of men love the idea of a baby but don’t like the work or the fact they have to compromise on their jobs, hobbies, friends, sex, sleep… Men also hate not being number 1 and often being ignored as frankly the woman is knackered and hasn’t even drank a cup of hot tea that day let alone showered and just wants a break. Even the best couples and nicest temperament men will sulk, and grumble as they do their share. But the majority of men sadly will sulk and grumble about doing about 5%.
Honestly don’t rush a baby! You will never be young and care free again. Plan lots of trips, gigs, stuff for the house, sort your careers out and safe for the wedding (which doesn’t have to be massive). Don’t just have a baby on some romantic nonsense idea. Look at all the other threads on here about lovely happy relationships that became hard work for an woman after a baby to those that frankly became horrendously unfair on the woman.
And as others have said you are assuming you will have a healthy baby. Are you prepared for an unhealthy baby, or the stress of IVF?
Living together will be much harder than you think as it is as you will both have an awful lot of growing up to do running a home together and compromising. Honestly don’t throw a baby in the mix.

Having a baby changes literally every second of your life - seriously I cannot underestimate how different things feel! For me, I’ve loved every second because I desperately wanted a baby. You cannot be truly selfish and have someone else on your mind 24/7. I still go out/work/all the things but everything just feels different.

Relationship is different too - we argue more (mainly sleep deprivation related) but equally I’d say we love each other more?

Nobody is saying he will change. Everybody is saying you don't know each other as well as you would living together. We mean you too, not only him.

That is because we have all lived with men long-term (and specifically after having children) and seen them change. If you choose not to listen to the wisdom of a website full of women telling you to be cautious, go right ahead.

My other question would be... what happens if you split up. Will he be happy to sell this inherited house so you can both take the equity out of it and move on with your lives?

Or sell the inherited house and buy one together, with a mortgage/no mortgage

Invite them to the registry office then 🙃

That just seems silly - we’d have to pay SDLT, and we love his grandmother’s house. It’s perfect for us, a little 2 bed cottage. It’s adorable

If we split up it’s the same as if we’d bought - someone buys the other out or we sell, but neither of us are planning on that.

It destroyed mine. I didn't know it at the time but my H is autistic and having a baby brought out all his autism traits - the lack of emotional regulation, the inability to accept responsibility and hence learn, the appalling lack of mindsight and empathy which gave him a complete inability to attune to his children. I lived through hell with him. I can't even describe it.

If there are any niggling doubts about your boyfriend, don't have kids. What are tiny cracks can be turned into chasms.

Literally no one has said that??? But you have no idea what the future holds and being married before getting pregnant is the sensible and mature thing to do.

I don't think people are being horrible at all, and certainly not saying that he will change and will leave you! He sounds like a wonderful man and I'm sure you will make great parents.

What people ARE saying is:

You are quite young. Move in with him, enjoy a few years of living together before having a baby, see the world, find yourselves.

Having children is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me but it is HARD. Hard on your mental health, your body, your career, your time, your relationships (with him, with family, with friends). Yes, things change a lot; wonderfully for many people. But not always.

And most importantly get married. If you can't afford the big wedding then get married simply. But I cannot say this strongly enough - GET MARRIED. This gives you protection if you choose to work slightly less, earn slightly less, be the parent who has to take a day off if your child is sick or pick them up from school. Which many many women do - become the default parent. If you don't get married then you MUST keep up your career, keep your earnings up in line with his, make sure your pension is as healthy as his and split everything evenly - it all goes in the pot, you both take turns with childcare.

Have you had a proper chat about who will fund maintenance (little cottages tend to need it) and how? As joint owners you would presumably be jointly responsible, but could you afford that on mat leave or a part time wage?

That is literally how marriage works

Nobody plans to split up. Good grief.

I'm tapping out here - she's just not listening. Good luck OP!

My relationship changed beyond all recognition. For the worse unfortunately. Had been together 15 years before kids. You really don’t know what you, the other person and the relationship will be like after kids arrive, it could be fine, but in some cases everything changes.
Definitely good advice to get married first (or a civil partnership), for your protection. And have a good long think about job/career, division of labour, financial arrangements etc. Don’t get left with no money just because you’re not “working”. You and your boyfriend havent worked out a lot of these issues yet. Good luck OP, i wouldnt rush into having kids until youve worked a lot of other issues out.

No, it isn’t. The property would remain in his sole name, and should we divorce there’s the expectation that the split begins at 50/50 - but there is of course the proviso that this is an inheritance and thus the court could easily keep it outside of the “pot”, so to speak.