How much does having a baby change your relationship?

[NeverHaveIEverBefore]

Hi everyone,

I’m 26, and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together for three years, and he’s due to inherit a property from his grandmother’s estate in the next six months or so.

Last night he raised to me that he’d be looking to sign a deed of variation that puts the property into joint names, mine and his. He said he sees his entire future with me and he wants to turn this into our family home. He then said he would like for us to start trying for a baby when we’ve moved in.

I was quite taken aback, I love him but I wasn’t expecting to hear this from him! He’s not pushed the point since last night, but it’s just completely taken me by surprise. How much does your relationship and life really change when you have a baby? Is this a totally crazy idea from him?

I wouldn't worry OP. Plenty of "romantic" proposals end in divorce. What matters is the strength of your feelings, and the other person, and I think you've got a good one here!

I never really had a "proposal", and our marriage has outlasted the most fabulous, romantic, stunning wedding/marriage you could imagine.

If you aren’t going to try for a baby until Christmas, and the earliest a baby could appear is next September, you’ve got over a year to find a clear date!

There aren’t many things that trump a wedding within a family either, I’m sure some plans could be moved around if required.

I believed we would be- then he told me about other gifts in the pipeline!

At 26? I’m 35 and still on the fence.

OP, if you feel rushed, say so. Don’t let him pressure you into having a baby you’re not ready for. Good luck.

At the moment. Right now.

Before this house changes in value. Before you have a career. Before successive governments change the thresholds.

Please stop sticking your head in the sand and listen to us all. Young love is great. But having children isn't as simple as we're good right now.

Nobody ever does
Nobody intends to die either in an accident or of illness when a baby is on the way.
If you're talking about children, this should be a priority

Everything changes for some including myself. DH and I were married ten years and secure and happy in our relationship, jobs and finances. We hardly fought. Then we both agreed we wanted to try for a baby. The pregnancy was fine it was exciting to look forward to the future. That day came home from the hospital was the start of harder times for us. We had zero family support. It turns out we have opposite parenting styles (me relaxed, him uptight).

The good news is that we hung in there together and three years later and everything is really great. We are still together and DC is the light of our lives. It was a horrendous first year and an half. We still fight (parenting styles are just complete opposites), however we found ways to talk and let things go.

I think it is worth it overall because my DC is the most beautiful little toddler to DH and I. We are one and done though and very happy with our little family unit.

They kill most relationships.

No, they don't.

You need to be absolutely sure before you decide to have children and you need to have discussed all the possible outcomes first.
I have friends who have experienced late miscarriages, still birth & children born with special needs - there is no guarantee it will be easy as with all aspects of life.

As another pp said, even with the easiest of babies, having a child is amazing but it's like throwing a hand grenade into the middle of your relationship. Nothing can prepare you for the first few weeks, months etc.

It's also wonderful of course but just be really sure it's what you both want and what you both want NOW before you start trying.
And definitely get married first, things have changed for women but not enough.

I am heartened by your update
there are many places you could choose, with a celebrant, to have a quicker informal wedding as opposed to the registry office - depending where you live I could send you details of an amazing award winning celebrant who would know of a huge variety of places. And then you could arrange a celebratory party at a point when everyone could make it. Likely to be cheaper too, if you dont mention the 'wedding' part, as by god a massive premium is added if you do!

As lots of people have said, everything changes. I have a 6 month old and an 18 month old. Today so far has looked like this:

Woke up at 5 am with the baby, who had previously woken up at 11 pm, 1 am and 3.30 am. I slept with the baby in the next to me crib as my husband was asleep in the next room with the toddler, who doesn’t like to sleep alone. Was unable to shower because the baby can’t be left so took the baby downstairs to go in the bouncer for 10 minutes whilst I did my make up, tied my hair up and got dressed in the living room. Made formula milk and breakfast with the baby in the high chair playing with toys but becoming increasingly agitated because she wanted to be held. Then fed the baby before washing and dressing both children and taking the toddler to nursery. After dropping the toddler at nursery I did the grocery shopping with the baby then returned home (where my husband is working- I am on maternity leave) to tidy the house (the toddler had destroyed it the night before), do laundry, sort out the babies’ nappies and clothes and prep the dinner before going back to nursery to pick up the toddler. This is interspersed with playing with the baby, changing her nappies and feeding her. Once I collect the toddler I will make dinner whilst my husband minds the babies and then we will watch a tiny bit of tv before collapsing in to separate bedrooms with a baby each.

I love my life and my husband and my children and I am so happy I had them. But this is a far cry from what my life looked like two years ago. Unless you are an extremely unusual 26 year old, surely you can see how having a baby changes everything.

Why does him signing half the house to you result in an IHT/SDLT saving? (I’m not disputing this, I just personally don’t understand).

Iht is paid out of the estate before distribution. No sdlt as not selling said house. But then cannot get FTB SDLT relief in future

I don’t understand why he needs to sign half the house away to his gf to achieve this saving though?

To answer your question, OP, having a baby hugely curtails your life. You no longer just get to do what you want. You no longer get to put you and your relationship first. You don’t get nights out or meals alone together. You don’t get holidays just the two of you. Or weekends away. You don’t get to spend the whole day together having fun decorating your new home or gardening to bring the garden back to life. No backpacking through Asia. No spontaneous nights away together and lie ins.

You are 26. By all means, move in together. Spend time doing up your house. Enjoy cooking dinner together in your new kitchen. Cozy nights in and dinner parties with your friends. Do all that, but put the baby thing on hold for a few years. Actually enjoy each other and make the most of a life that’s just the two of you. You never get that back.

At your age, you shouldn’t be stressing about babies and being mortgage free. I’d let out the house and go travelling. Get a working visa somewhere. Go to Thailand and ride a moped from one beach to the other for 4 months. Further your education. Go have girls weekends away. Run a marathon. Just live life. You have decades ahead of you to be stuck at home, exhausted and overwhelmed with a crying vomiting child.

I love my children, but I was very ready to have them (and it was still very hard). Dh and I had a blast in our 20s and we did everything above. It meant we went into our 30s and parenthood with no regrets and no unfinished business and a very solid relationship where neither of us resented the other or felt rushed into the decision.

You were so incredibly fortunate to have met the father of your children in your 20s and had (what sounds like) over a decade of having fun pre kids. I believe this to be the ideal relationship trajectory. I am mid-30s and only recently (6 months ago) met someone I am serious about. We’re having more fun than I thought possible in a relationship, but if we want to go down the baby route, we know that this has to come to an end in the next 5 years or so. Makes the decision so much harder. I am torn between planning a sabbatical together in the next couple of years to backpack around Asia and Aus/NZ, and plotting when to start TTC before it’s too late.

Anyway, I agree with you, at 26, OP shouldn’t be rushing into having kids and should enjoy her relationship.

If you only met six months ago…I think you need to give it at least another year. I understand the biological clock and I had my first baby at 36, BUT 6 months is nothing. You need to get to know each other first properly. At six months every one is the love of your life. Give it time. Having a baby is the biggest commitment you can ever make, don’t do it with an acquaintance.

You may have misunderstood my post - absolutely no plans to have a baby right now, we’ve only known each other 6 months. But if we want to go down that route it would need to be in the next 5 years, given my age. It would be great to have much longer together child-free.