How much does having a baby change your relationship?

[NeverHaveIEverBefore]

Hi everyone,

I’m 26, and my boyfriend is 28. We’ve been together for three years, and he’s due to inherit a property from his grandmother’s estate in the next six months or so.

Last night he raised to me that he’d be looking to sign a deed of variation that puts the property into joint names, mine and his. He said he sees his entire future with me and he wants to turn this into our family home. He then said he would like for us to start trying for a baby when we’ve moved in.

I was quite taken aback, I love him but I wasn’t expecting to hear this from him! He’s not pushed the point since last night, but it’s just completely taken me by surprise. How much does your relationship and life really change when you have a baby? Is this a totally crazy idea from him?

Not to be mean @NeverHaveIEverBeforebut you are coming across as a little bit naive. People have given you lots of reasons why marriage is important. You could always get the piece of paper part and then do a nice big wedding. If he’s as committed to having a lovely big wedding day as you are I’m sure he will prioritise this regardless of your circumstances. People are speaking from vast experience, honestly, just read one of the many hundreds of threads where women have been in similar circumstances or never expected their lovely partner to turn into a financial abuser etc. Protect yourself

To answer your question, yes having a baby changes a relationship. It is a huge transition. Priorities change, sleep changes, you have routines/classes/weaning.

For me, it was wonderful. It changed our relationship by making us even stronger. It taught us how to support each other in the right way, how to work as a team more effectively, how to pick up on the subtle signs that the other might not be ‘ok’. It also creates a shared interest: a baby that you would both do absolutely anything for.

If your relationship is as strong as you think it is, you have nothing to worry about.

On the whole marriage thing - unless you out-earn your partner and will continue to do so after having a baby, you really should get married. It’s not just about your interest in the house; it’s the pension (if you don’t go back to work or reduce hours), access to any money that he might be able to save privately etc. Women don’t advise this for no reason. Many have had awful experiences.

I say this as someone who is blissfully happy with a husband and children - do not be naive to the possibilities. People behave in ways we do not expect them to. People change. People fall in love with other people etc. I am as sure as I can be that my DH would never cheat/leave/fundamentally lie, but I can never be 100% sure. I heard someone say recently that if I man has time to go to the loo, he has time to cheat. Daft but true. There are plenty of threads on here from women who have made the mistake of not marrying.

Yes. And information comes from all sides and aspects.

Friends of mine got engaged after three months. They're thirty years down the line. Another friend had the perfect wedding, after living together for two years. They're divorced now.

All relationships are a gamble.

My exhusband didn't hit me. He picked me up by the lapels of the jacket I was wearing and threw me across a coffee table and into a wall. I had previously been very fond of telling people that I loved him so much that I would never remarry because it could never be as perfect as it had been in the first marriage. What a twat I was.

You weren’t a twat @AngelinaFibres, you trusted the person you thought loved you. I’m sorry that happened to you. 💐

No. What a twat he was

I think the best advice for both of you is to slow down slightly. You have plenty time to live together for a few years before you start thinking about babies. It is very generous of him to be planning to give you equal shares in his house immediately, it sounds a lovely little first home though possibly you'll want somewhere bigger if you have multiple children. You will have plenty money to do fun stuff, that is much harder with children. You can travel, save for a wedding, work part-time and spend one day a week painting or starting your own business.

you sound so naive op.
you need to live together first before considering anything

We’ve sat down and talked tonight - I showed him this thread.

the house is literally because it is better for us financially. Nothing else, he’s not love bombing me or anything like that. It’s because the IHT has been paid, and was paid by the estate. We’re both literally going to be £500k+ better off each, as soon as the assent is signed. His grandmother loved me, and according to him (and his family - I’ve checked this with his mum!), she would’ve changed her will to include me if she’d been able, before she died of cancer. So in his mind, it’s better financially and he’s honouring his grandmother’s wishes. There are other DoVs and gifts in the works as well, on both sides of the family, which I feature in. I am a part of their family.

in terms of a baby - he said Christmas because he knows how badly I want to be a mum. That’s it. I’m not bothered by nights out, or anything like that. I’m also a firm believer that you can travel with a baby. I’ve seen multiple family members do it.

as expected, he’s willing to totally support me through any maternity. He is willing to pay his employer contributions and his own contributions into a pension for me - because he loves me and supports me. If I want to go back to work, he will pay for childcare.

People aren’t giving you this advice because of anything about him individually.
They’re telling you how best to protect yourself (and your future children) in any relationship that will involve children.

This

I have also (somewhat reluctantly) agreed to a registry office wedding before the house move is complete. He agrees that it’s the safest bet for me - he’s keen to look out for me. Seems like an awful shame to me but it is what it is

Part of being a good parent is making decisions that are in the best interests of your future child. In a relationship where there are real finances on the line (hundreds of thousands rather than two young people starting out with little to no personal assets, which is more the norm) it is sensible and prudent to marry in order to protect the more financially vulnerable party who is almost always also the one who, in the event of something bad happening, will be the primary caregiver to the children.

If you’re not against marriage in principle (which you aren’t, and you’re excited to have a ‘big’ wedding) then you’d be silly not to get it sorted before you’re pregnant.

There’s no downside to waiting a year, living together for the first time, finding your feet as a partnership in day to day hum drum life and getting married before trying for a baby.

You aren’t up against it time wise due to age so I’m unsure as to what the huge rush is versus waiting even a year or so to get settled into couple life living together.

Cross posted. This is a very sensible decision.

Quite. My engagement was agreed over inheritance tax talks rather than a romantic scene. What every little girl dreams of!

It's great that you are both talking about how you will manage your lives with the addition of a new baby but it will also depend on the child that you have. You dont know if you'll have an easy or complicated birth or postpartum issues so prepare yourself as best you can and make decisions with your eyes wide open. You parent the child you get not the one you expect. I did everything the "right way" ie married many years, rock solid relationship, established career and my god life just turned upside down with a series of unforeseen circumstances. Most of my friends have also had a tough time since having children and some relationships didn't survive the upheaval. I'm not trying to be negative but I really wish I had known how difficult it can all be when it all doesn't go to plan.

If he has all this money to pay for everything, why not have a big wedding rather than registry office if the big wedding is important to you? They can be planned relatively quickly!

I don’t understand why he wants to give you half the house to be honest.

baby steps op, in everything!

Because it would take a lot of time to find a date the entire family is free

As I explained. The IHT is paid, v the SDLT we would need to pay in a place around here because my boyfriend has lost his FTB status. His family also really believe his grandmother would’ve wanted this to happen

Welcome to being a responsible adult. I'm not a big fan of marriage generally, but it sounds very sensible in your position.

But you’d already discussed marriage and agreed you both wanted to get married to each other. So you were basically engaged already. You’ve just agreed to set a date now.

Practical conversations that aren’t romantic are important in healthy, long term relationships. As are practical, pragmatic decisions that aren’t fuelled purely by romance but instead by fairness and respect.

If you feel that those conversations and decisions take a shine off your relationship then it’s a maturity thing I think. They don’t need to! It’s part of real, grown up life together. It’s exciting, in a different way to the shiny stuff.

Welcome to being a grown up. If you wanted romance and sweeping off of feet you have to do things in the "proper" order.
I'd still recommend getting to know each other better, cohabiting and running a household before having a baby though. You're so young there's just no reason to rush and so many benefits to waiting just a little bit.

OP you don't have to have any wedding that you don't want.
What the vast majority of posters was trying to point out to you (myself included) is that being married before you have children offers the most amount of protection for many women (not all).

You can complete on the house and move in etc without being married as long as your on the deeds and the legal paperwork is in place which it is. Having a baby is a whole another level and your 26 so you do have a lot of time on your hands.
MN is a suspicious place of lots of men because a lot of the time your getting the polar opposite of women seeking support.

I do have friends who are not married who have children but they have damn good accountants and quite a few legal documents in place.

We bought our home and were married the following year (had a document drawn up in the interim for if we split up prior to marriage). We didn't have children for another few years as we wanted to enjoy being married a few years and saved up for nursery fees and mat leave.

Having children does change your relationship sometimes for the good sometimes for the bad. I definitely love my husband more watching how good a father he is. But I was always clear from the get go childcare is as close to 50/50 as possible. Actually it's my DH who went down to PT and we did shared parental leave.

There's quite a few big but important conversations to have. You don't have to have them all at once and you don't have to start trying for a baby as soon as you move in together. Your both young enjoy your youth before your living on about 3-4 hours of broken sleep for about 2-4 years depending on what kind of baby you get (it's pot luck if you get a unicorn one which sleeps!) and then if you decide to add a sibling ontop!

Hmm you said you’d be below IHT threshold so marriage wasn’t necessary but IHT threshold is £325k. Fortunately you’re now going to get married so doesn’t matter anymore!