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Original poster

Shocked and sad at my Son's choice to be with much older woman.

224 replies

moderdy · 03/07/2025 22:13

My 25 year old son has just been here to tell me he is in love with and moving in with a woman in her mid 40's, younger than me by a couple of years.

I don't know what to do or feel about it. He was until recently with a lovely girl his own age, they split up and I now know it was due his feelings for the woman he is now with. She is the widow of one of his fathers friends, a man who passed a few years ago now. His Dad and I have been separated for 20 years now and he has been living with his Dad for the past 7 years. I don't think my son has known her that long just a year or so, they got close when his Dad sent him round to help her with stuff in her house.

I don't think I can do anything about this can I? I just need to let it run it's course, he's an adult of course but I just feel so disappointed and angry at this woman she is 20 years older than him. I just don't think it can last.

I need to go to work now I just needed to write something.

OP posts:
towhoknowswhere · 03/07/2025 22:19

I’m 12 years older than my dh, so not quite in the same league as a 20 year gap but considerable still.

Dh was 24 and I 36 when we got together, his parents were horrified and didn’t attempt to hide it. 16 years later I still haven’t forgotten how unwelcome and awkward they made me feel. My mil has made an effort over the years and I know she regrets how they viewed me initially but it’s stayed with me unfortunately.
My sil was sweet from the start and we’re very close. I honestly understood how they felt but wish they had handled things differently!

Crushed23 · 03/07/2025 22:21

Stop being so judgemental. He’s 25, he can decide who he goes out with. The fact that he’s been in love with her for a year and they are now moving in together means this is a serious relationship. So you need to get on board fast, or your risk losing your son.

For what it’s worth, I dated a man who was 13 years younger and it was wonderful. The only reason we didn’t work out was because I already had plans to emigrate that I went ahead with, and he had to stay in the UK for various reasons. He didn’t give a damn about my age (it was me who had all the angst around the age gap at first), and nor did anyone else in our respective social circles.

Original poster
moderdy · 03/07/2025 22:25

I know he's an adult and I need to let him make his own choices. I can't help but feel this way. I didn't say anything, just asked if he was sure about it. I just can't see it working out long term but I don't want to push him away either. I know it is different times I know women my age in relationships with younger men but not such a large age gap.

OP posts:
KaleQueen · 03/07/2025 22:25

Keep it buttoned. It probably won’t last. It must be extra complicated that she’s his dad’s friends widow. Honestly. My money is on it fizzling out. But in the meantime. Say nothing to him or to anyone that might make its way back to him. Just accept his choices. He is an adult after all.

Minnie798 · 03/07/2025 22:28

There's little you can do about it but I would feel exactly the same as you. Who knows what they are thinking, she's old enough to be his mother.
He will probably want his own children at some stage and at that point, she's going to be far too old. The penny will drop eventually.

SayLaveee · 03/07/2025 22:28

It worked for macron

Comedycook · 03/07/2025 22:30

I wouldn't be thrilled.

But there's nothing you can do about it.

Sodthesystem · 03/07/2025 22:31

I really don't get the issue tbh. Maybe if they last she'll become a good friend to you.

He's too young to be thinking about kids and he's a bloke so it doesn't really matter much. If he even wants children that is. But if he does then chances are he'll leave at some point.

Honestly I'd just be happy for him op. It sounds like she's nice. They're both fully grown consenting adults and he's serious enough about her that they are moving in together. I think ypu need to give your head a wobble. You're only reaction on this should be to congratulate him.

Crushed23 · 03/07/2025 22:31

moderdy · 03/07/2025 22:25

I know he's an adult and I need to let him make his own choices. I can't help but feel this way. I didn't say anything, just asked if he was sure about it. I just can't see it working out long term but I don't want to push him away either. I know it is different times I know women my age in relationships with younger men but not such a large age gap.

Plenty of relationships don’t work out longterm. Especially relationships that begin in one’s 20s. It doesn’t mean that they can’t have a wonderful time together. There’s a poster on MN in her 50s who has been in a relationship with a man in his 30s for several years and has a very positive ‘living in the moment’ attitude to life. Hopefully she’ll be along to give her thoughts and alleviate your worries for your son.

JustBiscoff · 03/07/2025 22:33

@SayLaveeeJudging not, from that bitch slap
s/he gave him!

Wayk · 03/07/2025 22:35

It is very common for men in their 20s to be attracted to older ladies. It usually fizzles out with an age gap as big as that. Do not let him know you disapprove.

carmak · 03/07/2025 22:37

SayLaveee · 03/07/2025 22:28

It worked for macron

Did it?

PermanentTemporary · 03/07/2025 22:37

I’d be less than delighted myself (ds is 21 and I would not be pleased if he announced he were moving in with a 40 year old). I guess I would try to be civil —and would try to bore him to death by long conversations with her about the 90s—

MyNamedoesntWork · 03/07/2025 22:38

My husband of 31 years is 8 years younger than I.
Its worked so far 🤞🏻🤣
Fair, it’s not a 20 year age difference but it brings to mind the advice of my best friend at the time when I voiced concerns about the age gap.
Her comment was along the lines of enjoy what you have now, if it lasts fantastic, if it doesn’t, do what? You enjoyed it at the time!

youreactinglikeafunmum · 03/07/2025 22:39

You aren't wrong to feel weird but don't say anything, ride it out x

Honon · 03/07/2025 22:41

I can see it might be hard to stomach but if he's happy and the relationship is a healthy one outside the age gap then you have to try to be happy for him too.

I wouldn't count on it not working out - the chances are it won't, but sometimes it does. Alfred Molina and Jill Gascoigne spring to mind. If you approach it with the assumption it's bound to end you risk finding yourself perpetually disappointed.

123gogogo · 03/07/2025 22:41

If your son is happy in his new relationship then honestly I don't really see it's a big issue.
He is an adult.

Devonshiregal · 03/07/2025 22:47

Is it because you think he won’t have kids? Or he’ll end up her carer?

its Only 15 years age gap. And he is young (especially for a man) but he is an adult. If you make your displeasure known, you will put a wedge between you. And he could break up with her and get with a 24 year old who is horrid. Is this 40 year old horrid?

is it at all to do with her being part of your ex’s side of things? Does it feel like he’s being taken away from you? Are you old and creaky feeling? Because all people are different. I know 80 yr olds who run marathons. I know 30 yr olds who talk about how achy they are and do nothing but potter about in the garden.

it’s entirely you that has an issue. And there is no legitimate reason for it either. You pointing out that she’s olllllld won’t make him break up with her. No kid wants to hear their parent’s negative opinion on his relationship so DON’T DO IT.

JustSawJohnny · 03/07/2025 22:50

Christ, it's so gross that he's fucking his Dad's mate's widow!!

I absolutely couldn't get behind that.

I'd be there for my son but I wouldn't be looking to have any kind of relationship with her.

cool4cats2020 · 03/07/2025 22:51

SayLaveee · 03/07/2025 22:28

It worked for macron

Erm, he was groomed by his school teacher. If she was a man she'd have been jailed for it (under English law anyway, maybe grooming is legal in france). Just because he's still with his abuser doesn't make it ok.

Anyway the MAN in this discussion is 25 so he's and adult and can consent to a be with an older woman if he wants.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 03/07/2025 22:52

I'd be gutted too OP, all you can really do is be supportive and hope that he will change his mind.

Endofyear · 03/07/2025 22:52

No you can't do anything, unless you want to ruin your relationship with your son. Tell him you're glad he's happy and you look forward to meeting her. Be warm and friendly and welcoming when you do meet her. Accept that he is an adult who can make his own choices.

Orange202 · 03/07/2025 22:53

I wouldn't be happy either, but he's young and it's unlikely to be permanent.

I think you need to grin and bear it, and meet them to see what she's like. Don't let her be the one to put a wedge between you and your son by claiming to him that you don't accept her.

At least the risk of unplanned pregnancy is very low.

SunflowerTed · 03/07/2025 22:53

I have a 25 year old son and I also wouldn’t be happy about it. I wouldn’t say anything though -his choice

healthybychristmas · 03/07/2025 22:55

He's not going to be able to have children with her, is he? Do you think that would worry him? Does she already have children?