Feel so completely betrayed by my sister. Don’t know what to do.

[DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP]

My sister has arranged to go and visit my ex-husband for five days while my DD is visiting him in his home country over the summer holidays.

My marriage was awful. He was aggressive and used to threaten me, punch holes in walls scream at me, she knows all of this and actively encouraged my leaving.

Everytime I challenge how she engages with him, she spouts a line “it’s about what’s best for DD/DN”. I understand that there needs to be communication between parents etc but this feels so inappropriate and unnecessary. What’s more she knew I wouldn’t be ok with it, that it would hurt me and organised it behind my back. I found out from my DD.

She helps a lot with childcare and I’m incredibly grateful for that, but I’m at the point where I just feel that I can’t have someone in my life who behaves like this. Who goes behind my back who does things knowing they will hurt me it feels like she knows she has me in a position where I am going to really struggle if I don’t have her support and will do what she wants regardless of my feelings and without even a discussion.

I don’t know what to do.

For Context: DD has a great relationship with her father and I have zero concerns in relation to that. My sister and I have had issues in the past and this feels like part of a wider agenda on her part.

Has she previously had feelings for your ex??

If this was my sister, I would assume that she was so worried about my DD that she wanted to check things were ok…

Agree with a pp, if this was my sister, I would assume she’s going to look out for my dd.

Yeah I'd be delighted that someone was going to check in on her. If someone had abused and hurt me I would be terrified that my DD was with them in a foreign country.

Presumably you would be screwed if you rely on her for lots of childcare. So tread carefully.

Personally I actively would not want anyone having sole care of my children if they disrespect my wishes like this.

I really don’t think that is the case. I’ve been divorced for nearly five years and ex-husband has done nothing that would make me be worried about DD being with him. DD has gone on away there before, and has never said anything to worry me and my sister has never expressed concerns.

If that was the reason why not talk to me about it? Why arrange it behind my back.

how was your daughter going to get to her father’s? Was he collecting?

How old is your daughter?

His mother would come and collect her. As she has done before.

10

All very odd. Given how you describe your ex, perhaps she’s just bloody concerned about your daughter.

but I imagine there’s a lot behind My sister and I have had issues in the past and this feels like part of a wider agenda on her part. that we will probably not get the full picture on

This is shitty behaviour from her - it completely erases your experience with your exh and tells you that she doesn't consider it to be all that important! Hard to forgive that from a sister imo.

You need to organise your life so you aren't reliant on her for help and then create some distance - she has no loyalty to you.

Do you think your sister is attracted to him?

If she is concerned why not tell me that? Why not talk to me about it?

Yes my marriage was awful but if I thought DD was at risk there is no way I would send her. He has had her regularly prior to moving back which only happened recently and she has gone for an extended visit every summer since we split. My sister has never expressed any concern.

Context is we haven’t always gotten along both our faults I’m not blameless, but I’ve felt that she often undermines me, doesn’t listen to my opinion and will tell me what I think or feel is wrong.

Have you asked her why she wants to go and why she feels it’s best for your daughter that she go?

No. She has a DP who she has been with for years.

Does she have children?

when you say she is very involved with childcare…. How much?

This is very naive of you OP. Your daughter is not necessarily safe with a violent and aggressive man.

No she doesn’t. She has collects her after school one day a week and has her overnight, and will see her at the weekends as she and DD have a shared hobby. She helps when I have to go away for work too, my job isn’t very flexible and there is an expectation of travel.

No I’m not.

If she is concerned why not tell me that? Why not talk to me about it?
she will have her reasons presumably

I can understand why your sister doesn’t talk to you about her concerns

you are utterly dismissive of any concerns from us about how you describe him so I imagine your sister knows how you’d respond.

your sister is doing this for your daughter. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your daughter hasn’t confided in her given she spends a fair bit of alone time with her

Why do you think she is doing it?

Presumably she just wants a free holiday? There is zero other reason for this choice?

You haven’t said what you think her reasons are for visiting him?