Feel so completely betrayed by my sister. Don’t know what to do.

[DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP]

My sister has arranged to go and visit my ex-husband for five days while my DD is visiting him in his home country over the summer holidays.

My marriage was awful. He was aggressive and used to threaten me, punch holes in walls scream at me, she knows all of this and actively encouraged my leaving.

Everytime I challenge how she engages with him, she spouts a line “it’s about what’s best for DD/DN”. I understand that there needs to be communication between parents etc but this feels so inappropriate and unnecessary. What’s more she knew I wouldn’t be ok with it, that it would hurt me and organised it behind my back. I found out from my DD.

She helps a lot with childcare and I’m incredibly grateful for that, but I’m at the point where I just feel that I can’t have someone in my life who behaves like this. Who goes behind my back who does things knowing they will hurt me it feels like she knows she has me in a position where I am going to really struggle if I don’t have her support and will do what she wants regardless of my feelings and without even a discussion.

I don’t know what to do.

For Context: DD has a great relationship with her father and I have zero concerns in relation to that. My sister and I have had issues in the past and this feels like part of a wider agenda on her part.

This is what I can’t wrap my head around. It just feels so odd.

Our mum maintained a relationship with our Dads brothers after they divorced but it was a BBQ or lunch a few times a year so I get maintaining the relationships for DD but this feels so bizarre.

This.

she’s either going to protect your kids, or she’s having an affair with him.

can’t see any other explanation

If he was so aggressive and used to punch holes in the walls I would take it that my sister was wanting to be around just to check all was well and he wasn't getting aggressive with DD.

I genuinely didn’t think that was a concern, everything has always been directed at me. But based on past comments I’ve asked her if she is worried about this and that is why she is going. If it is then I won’t let DD go. But DD has been multiple times before and my sister hasn’t expressed concerns.

This

I still don't get your attitude. I wouldn't be happy with my ten year old daughter being around someone like so I'd be thrilled my sister was going to be there for part of the time to make sure all is well. My thoughts wouldn't be on myself, they would be on a ten year old staying in a foreign country with an aggressive father.

I hadn’t thought about it like that, in the context of her age. He has always (regardless of his behaviour towards me) been great with DD.

she didn’t see anything, it was normally when he would get home (worked late drinking culture), he doesn’t work in that environment or drink anymore.

How do you know he doesn’t drink anymore oo? You divorced him five years ago and never see him

How did your sister get on with your ex when he wasn’t your ex?

At what point have I said I never see him or have no contact? Because I haven’t.

I’ve already responded to your previous comment and taken on board that I need to make sure if this is a concern of hers and the reason behind her going there.

Did your ex maybe ask her to help out with childcare, seeing as your DD is getting older and maybe becoming 'difficult' like her mother, which your sister probably agrees with? And he may feel pleasure at your distress over the situation so continuing the abuse?

No he has a support network there and would not need help. I know from DD that it was her idea.

I find it a bit odd OP. I can't see your sister's OH being happy about going to stay with your ex. You really do need to reach out and have the conversation even if it's just to put your mind at rest regarding your DD's safety/happiness. That should be your starting point when talking to your DS.

I don't know about your sister, @DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP , but abusive men who are fine with girl children when they are small are known to often start being abusive to the girl children as they get older, specifically as they develop into adolescents, and as they start to assert their own will and desires. So I'd be very carefully keeping an eye on that aspect of all this.

What did she actually say when you asked her why she was going?

Initially that she wanted to. However since I started this thread I have messaged and asked if she is going because she is worried about my DD being there.

That's what I thought.

OP your ex is using your sister to get at you. If he was abusive, he will use the very people he knows love you, and he will do it so well and its working.

Could it be that your ex is just that rotten that he will groome your sister into believing that he is harmless, to her, and that he is super sweet and reasonable when around her so that it looks like you are the one with the issue, but he will look like the victim? Could it be that your sister has simply bought all the crap he tells her?

If your ex is bitter over the fact that you have left, he will do whatever it takes to pull security from underneath you, all to make you feel like you are loosing your mind. Also, your sister will buy into it to some extent. What you need to do is keep it cool. Yes it may feel like the ultimate blow, but she is being manipulated in the end of the day, just like you were. Men who abuse have a distorted reality, will paint themselves into peoples lives to erode yours, and family members are the first ones on the list.

Well that settles it then.

She loves her niece. She wants to spend time with her when she was on holiday. If your ex is an abusive aggressive man, it doesn't make sense that you would be happy for a ten year old girl to stay there, and not your sister. If it was just a bad relationship and he's not abusive, then maybe you have to consider why you don't want her there. Is it jealousy?

He isn't her ex. She is probably willing to stay civil in order to spend time on holiday with her niece. Sounds like they have their own relationship, especially with all the childcare she does. It's very special to spend time away with a loved one.

Your DD isn't safe with that man. Violent abusers like that can dote on little girls who look up to them and who are under his control. Once the child gets to the age where they test boundaries and become more interested in friends than parents things can quickly change.

Shitty of your sister. My sister would do this, purely to undermine me / try to go behind my back with my daughter.

I feel for you.

your sister is being a total cow.

This resonates. I also had a sister like this. Could not trust her at all.

Op, does your sister have a history of being competitive with you?

Very odd. If it’s definitely not because she is concerned about your dd, why not spend time with her when she’s with you? I don’t understand the need to go to your ex.