Feel so completely betrayed by my sister. Don’t know what to do.

[DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP]

My sister has arranged to go and visit my ex-husband for five days while my DD is visiting him in his home country over the summer holidays.

My marriage was awful. He was aggressive and used to threaten me, punch holes in walls scream at me, she knows all of this and actively encouraged my leaving.

Everytime I challenge how she engages with him, she spouts a line “it’s about what’s best for DD/DN”. I understand that there needs to be communication between parents etc but this feels so inappropriate and unnecessary. What’s more she knew I wouldn’t be ok with it, that it would hurt me and organised it behind my back. I found out from my DD.

She helps a lot with childcare and I’m incredibly grateful for that, but I’m at the point where I just feel that I can’t have someone in my life who behaves like this. Who goes behind my back who does things knowing they will hurt me it feels like she knows she has me in a position where I am going to really struggle if I don’t have her support and will do what she wants regardless of my feelings and without even a discussion.

I don’t know what to do.

For Context: DD has a great relationship with her father and I have zero concerns in relation to that. My sister and I have had issues in the past and this feels like part of a wider agenda on her part.

obvs I haven't understood you which is what i said

If you can’t read and comprehend my post in response to headgogbrown yesterday which clearly explains my perspective I’m not sure there is any point in trying to explain it to you further.

Any response?

Yeah see below.

I am going to give it a few days until I’m feeling a bit less hypersensitive about it all and ask to have a face to face chat.

I’d go back (well I would call her but 🤷‍♀️) and say… just because I’m confused why this year you have decided to go rather than previous years.

You’ll be seeing her weekend presumably if daughter sees her every weekend for shared hobby?

"Because I'm grappling for possible explanations or reasons to try and understand how you think its appropriate to go on holiday without your partner to see my exH who beat me, terrorised me and generally made my life hell "

Right....so no safeguarding issues. It sounds like a Switzerland situation. I'd be bloody annoyed.

@Lafufufu please choose your words more carefully. In my OP I was very specific and have not once said that I was “beaten” that did not happen, he behaved awfully to me but it never went that far. You have read what I said and added to it.

@Havetheweekendoffreports there is nothing wrong with me wanting to take a moment to reflect and make sure any conversation is productive and that it does not happen when DD is present.

Everytime I challenge how she engages with him, she spouts a line “it’s about what’s best for DD/DN”. I

so you and her have had it out multiple times in the past?

I think leaving her question hanging in the air for a few days may well be a bad idea, and wind her up a bit @DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP .

I'd just answer very briefly with something along the lines of 'it just seemed an unusual thing to do, so I was just checking that I hadn't missed something'

And then have the proper conversation later, when she's also more relaxed than she will be if you leave her hanging.

Thank you. That is good advice I’ll do that.

Everytime I challenge how she engages with him, she spouts a line “it’s about what’s best for DD/DN

I missed this op. So this is an ongoing thing with your ex and sis that you have challenged her about multiple times?

I had a sister who deliberately played Switzerland friend to me out of passive-aggression. It was one of the many many tools in her cupboard that she used to needle and bother me. Often I would feel the prick of annoyance/hurt only later, and then when i challenged her, she would imply I was deranged and she'd twist the situation and needle me to the point I would lose my temper. Later I would find that she had used such confrontations to paint me as either a fool or a dangerous maniac to others, depending on what she wanted to achieve.

After years of trying to understand WTH was going on and becoming really sick of always being on the edge with her, I started limiting my interactions with her, especially after my kids came along.

In my case, I had to go as far as to cut her off: my sister had diagnosed NPD and she spiraled and became frankly unsafe to everyone in her orbit.

Not saying your sister is like this at all, but my extreme case may be useful for you.

It is possible that your (older?) sister is motivated by some childhood jealousy or programming that means she looks down on you and/or enjoys needling you and making you upset. In this case, limiting her contact with you may be the best thing for you.

You can't change others, you can only change how you respond and what you expect.

Yes I have brought this up in the past.

When I first left my ex I felt that the boundaries I was trying to put into place with him where undermined as she was still friendly with him, I wasn’t expecting zero contact but a bit of detachment/pull back, given we were no longer together and things were quite raw.

There are infrequent occasions he will ask for her to swap a day here or there (which I have no issue with as he doesn’t have anyone else to ask other than her or me) but I would like to know that a change has been agreed and what that looks like.

Yes older. There are definitely issues from when we were younger.

I think she was parentified to an extent and struggles to see my opinions or feelings as valid if they don’t align with what she thinks.

I know she has DD best interests at heart but I also think that she believes she knows best with no wiggle room.

I was with friends this afternoon and they like you said that I can only control my own reactions to things not other people’s behaviour.

Given my ex has recently returned to his home country and this is going to have an impact on DD I’m going to need to find a way to address this situation without limiting contact, they are close and the last thing DD needs is to loose or have that support limited because my sister and I can’t sort out our underlying issues.

I missed this post earlier @Lafufufu, and would have been more measured in my response to a later comment you made if I’d seen this. I’m sorry you have had that experience with your family.

My younger sister is very similar, not to the same extreme. But the awful twang of knowing that they're trying to get to you, but it being subtle that to call it out would be to be made out to be too sensitive, unfair etc.

"Neutral bystander" is right, sometimes you don't want neutral. In this case your sister should be firmly in your camp.

I would also not be happy with the ex bypassing you to make arrangements directly with her, they're both not holding appropriate boundaries.

she knows all of this and actively encouraged my leaving.

and yet immediately afterwards you were having to challenge her about her interactions and communication with ex? All very odd behaviour

Maybe I missed…. But 3 weeks??? 10 days absolute max surely

does he pay you CMS?

There are infrequent occasions he will ask for her to swap a day here or there (which I have no issue with as he doesn’t have anyone else to ask other than her or me) but I would like to know that a change has been agreed and what that looks like.

Both he and you seem to have settled on your sister as being a third parent to your dd.

Can you not talk to work so that you don’t need to rely on your sister having your daughter overnight every week? Or at least your sister drops her at home rather than stays the night at your sister’s?

could you get involved in this shared hobby that your daughter and sister share?

could you talk to work about the weekends working not working for you anymore as a single parent of a dependent child? Or at least a commitment to a maximum of, say 3 a year?

Are you saying that this will be your daughter's first visit to him abroad?

I’ve quite clearly said multiple times it is not. Learn to read.

That’s is not the question of the thread and not up for debate

She probably has become but not by intent.

I don’t work weekends the time then is adhoc not set in stone. But she does see her at weekends I will often join them to watch DD - shared hobby is riding btw. She will stay the night there if she had a comp the next day not every weekend.

As for the Thursday that’s an option the reason I’ve not collected her is simply die to timings and it meaning DD would end up getting home at about 9 by the time I’d finished, driven to sisters and then driven home. At the time this arrangement started (last year) it seemed sensible to do it that way. It’s something that can be looked into maybe a childminder on that day.