Feel so completely betrayed by my sister. Don’t know what to do.

[DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP]

My sister has arranged to go and visit my ex-husband for five days while my DD is visiting him in his home country over the summer holidays.

My marriage was awful. He was aggressive and used to threaten me, punch holes in walls scream at me, she knows all of this and actively encouraged my leaving.

Everytime I challenge how she engages with him, she spouts a line “it’s about what’s best for DD/DN”. I understand that there needs to be communication between parents etc but this feels so inappropriate and unnecessary. What’s more she knew I wouldn’t be ok with it, that it would hurt me and organised it behind my back. I found out from my DD.

She helps a lot with childcare and I’m incredibly grateful for that, but I’m at the point where I just feel that I can’t have someone in my life who behaves like this. Who goes behind my back who does things knowing they will hurt me it feels like she knows she has me in a position where I am going to really struggle if I don’t have her support and will do what she wants regardless of my feelings and without even a discussion.

I don’t know what to do.

For Context: DD has a great relationship with her father and I have zero concerns in relation to that. My sister and I have had issues in the past and this feels like part of a wider agenda on her part.

"my sister and I can’t sort out our underlying issues."

In my experience (admittedly some of it at the extreme end of things), co-blaming yourself for tension/conflict that arises from your sister's choices gives you a misleading sense of control.

The driver in this tension is your sister, and you've already had her dismiss you when you've tried to talk about her upsetting behaviour.

You may think, there must be a way I can resolve this issue - I must find the magic words or phrases to get through to her.

But my experience - not just with my sister, also (milder experiences) with IL family - is that there are no magic words. The other party WANTS to behave in that upsetting way, it's not an accident or mistake or you misreading things. There is a mean-spirited motivation there - and they will get very angry, double down, and perhaps get even more unpleasant when your efforts to resolve the problem threaten to expose their nasty motivation to the cold light of day (and to themselves).

In your case, your sister was forced as a child by your negligent or incompetent parents to take up the matriarch reins (similar to my sister btw). So she has learned since she was a little kid that good things (stability, love) come to her when she controls others, especially her parents and her younger sibling. She probably also resents deep down that this responsibility was foisted on her. So to get what she wants, she acts passively-aggressively with you (and likely others - she'll do/does the same to your kid btw). Because that's what she was taught. She's now in her ?40s, that programming is deeply baked in. The chance of her getting an epiphany and changing her behaviour is very small.

So what can you do? You can't change her. But you can change how YOU deal with her and what you expect from her. You can distance yourself physically and emotionally to limit the effects her controlling and passive-aggressive behaviours and choices have on you.

And while she is currently a support for your daughter, you should keep an eye out for your sister undermining you to your daughter behind your back, and for her trying to exert control over your daughter as she gets older. You need to act in the best interest of your daughter and your sister seems to be stepping out of her lane already.

I’d be talking to my walk so that my daughter doesn’t have stay overnight every single week with my sister. What would you do if your sister couldn’t?

Id be joining up to that hobby for sure! Did they get together this weekend for it?

and weekends would be for me and my daughter together seeing my sister but never my daughter staying overnight only for when absolutely needed or I’d say to work absolutely no more than 2x a year.

Your sister never had children?
does she work?

So strange how she knew all his abuse and actively encouraged and supported you when you did leave him, and then remained on very friendly terms with him to the point that over the years you have repeatedly had to “challenge” her about how you feel the communication between the two isn’t appropriate

I think this is a very astute summation of what is going on. The “because I felt like it” as a response to you asking why is an incredibly (and unnecessary) dominant response to your question. She could so easily have told you her plans and discussed them but instead she has left you to be told by your daughter what is going on. She wants you to feel sidelined, out of the loop, and that you have no control. How you respond should be thoughtful and if it was me fairly firmly. She should not be using your daughters situation to was with you.
I’d seriously consider reducing dds time with her if you can, certainly no overnights. I’d also think about moving dds weeks with dh and I certainly wouldn’t tell her again when dd is going. She’s lost your trust, it’s up to her to regain it.

Do you have much planned for the 3 weeks she’s away?

will your sister be staying as a guest at your husband’s and his partner’s home or she staying elsewhere? If the latter… you could suggest you join her and maybe have some sister bonding time too (plus you would get to see your daughter)

You are so very rude. Perhaps now I realise why your sister won't talk to you.

What a horrid thing to say. OP has been very clear what the situation is and to promptly correct misunderstandings and misrepresentations. Nobody in their right mind would behave as this sister is unless they were seeking to hurt.

So if that’s the case

the Op needs to stop such extensive alone time between her child and this hurt-seeking and disrespectful, sneaky sister!

I’m pretty sure if you read just a few posts back that’s what I wrote????!

I wasn’t saying you’d said otherwise.

i skip over posters posts generally and tend to focus on the OP’s posts

And you are lazy. If you can’t be bothered to read my posts in full why comment asking questions that have already been answered!!

@Havetheweekendoffreports @Ohthatsabitshit @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

My sister came to collect DD this afternoon for her riding lesson and we spoke.

Her DP who normally keeps well out of things actually said “I can see why she is pissed off especially if she thinks you are staying with exhusband”. Which I think made her see things more clearly from alternative perspective.

While there aren’t any safeguarding concerns it appears that DD has been over the years saying “I wish you could come to dads country” so while she “invited her self” she did it because DD wanted her to.

She will be staying with his mother which I have no issue with and is going to be bringing DD back with her when she comes home effectively reducing the time DD will be away from three weeks to just over two which I’m all for.

We have spoken about her just going off and doing things without telling me and she has apologised and acknowledged that

1. She should have not arranged any of this without talking to me
2. When I first asked her she was pissed off that I’d come at it from a place of accusation so instead of explain was defensive hence the “because I want to” response.

There are definitely still issues to be worked out and boundaries need to be clearer but ultimately she is coming from a place of wanting to support her DN she just doesn’t always go about doing that in a way that is appropriate of an aunt and there is overstepping.

We are going to have a more in-depth conversation about this later this week when DD isn’t around. When I spoke with my friends yesterday afternoon one of them suggested that my sister and I need some form of mediation/councillor to support a conversation so that we can get better at communicating and stop childhood dynamics ruling things. Which I think might be a good idea.

Ultimately my sister loves DD and me, and she is a huge part of our lives and as much as this situation upset me our lives out better with her in it.

Thank you to those in this thread who challenged my perspective on this it genuinely made a difference and stopped me going off the deep end with my sister.

P.S
(I told her about this thread she thought the idea that she wants to shag ex husband was hilarious)

You might find it better to read some of the discussion in between your posts. It will stop you being out of step with what’s being said.

Well surely “out of step” would mean contradicting you?

in any event..,, there is not a unanimous view, far from it

I’ve read it back… and what you were suggestion…. I had already suggested 😆

@DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP thay sounds much more manageable. God isn’t being cross and hurt exhausting? Hopefully things improve going forwards. The best and most loving thing dsis can do is support your relationship with dd. What makes you stronger and feel more confident will give her the best mother daughter experience she can have. I think it helps to frame things in that way. She obviously loves you both very much. Her love needs to be giving and supporting not centring herself in the situation. It’s hard to do but important.

@DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP years later you sister wants to holiday with your ex .
Of she is so concerned why not go for three weeks and not 5 days. I feel it could be a few things.
Possibly your sister is very invested in your Dd and see she’s like hers , so doesn’t want her away from her so long.
Maybe she does like your ex and is acting on it .
I think it’s the former .

Also i do agree that if your sister had an issue she would have expressed before now.
Not every abuser of women is horrible to the kids and I am sure you would have known before now .

I absolutely love this update

good on you, your sister and her DP

This is completely uncalled for. Its quite rude as well. OP is trying to have a discussion about the issues and us not obligated to flatter and fawn on the derailers.

Brilliant update! Well done everyone, including sister's DP.

Your update is good - kind of - but I'd be absolutely furious that she'd made arrangements and changed travel plans without considering that she should discuss with you first. Who does she think she is? I understand that she loves your DD and you don't want to damage that relationship but equally she needs putting in her place which is AUNT not parent. Jesus Christ, what an overstep.

Nice update, am always so glad when people talking with each other actually effects change!

"When I spoke with my friends yesterday afternoon one of them suggested that my sister and I need some form of mediation/councillor to support a conversation so that we can get better at communicating and stop childhood dynamics ruling things. Which I think might be a good idea."

Yes, this is a great idea, especially because your sister is able to review her behaviour and drop her defensiveness. I would have loved to have a sister I could trust and we could have each other's backs, sadly, that was never on the cards. It's definitely worth both of you working out the crappy childhood programming so that you can be dear friends as well as sisters.

Brava to you both! :)

Did you have a more Indepth chat about this op?