Feel so completely betrayed by my sister. Don’t know what to do.

[DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP]

My sister has arranged to go and visit my ex-husband for five days while my DD is visiting him in his home country over the summer holidays.

My marriage was awful. He was aggressive and used to threaten me, punch holes in walls scream at me, she knows all of this and actively encouraged my leaving.

Everytime I challenge how she engages with him, she spouts a line “it’s about what’s best for DD/DN”. I understand that there needs to be communication between parents etc but this feels so inappropriate and unnecessary. What’s more she knew I wouldn’t be ok with it, that it would hurt me and organised it behind my back. I found out from my DD.

She helps a lot with childcare and I’m incredibly grateful for that, but I’m at the point where I just feel that I can’t have someone in my life who behaves like this. Who goes behind my back who does things knowing they will hurt me it feels like she knows she has me in a position where I am going to really struggle if I don’t have her support and will do what she wants regardless of my feelings and without even a discussion.

I don’t know what to do.

For Context: DD has a great relationship with her father and I have zero concerns in relation to that. My sister and I have had issues in the past and this feels like part of a wider agenda on her part.

Being dismissive of a stranger calling me naive does not equate to me being dismissive of my sister raising genuine concerns.

If my sister said to me she was worried about DD being there I would listen and not let her go. Yes we have difficult moments this being one of them but that doesn’t mean we are at loggerheads all the time.

The reason I let DD go is because she wants to, if there was any hesitation or she expressed that she wasn’t happy going I wouldn’t allow it.

It does sound like you dont quite trust your sister, and we can't tell you not to listen to your gut. We dont know whether she is dismissive of you or whether you are being hypervigilant. Just want to share support as it sounds like a difficult situation to be in. x

Being dismissive of a stranger calling me naive does not equate to me being dismissive of my sister raising genuine concerns.

she has never raised them with you
because she knows you well
she is doing this for your daughter
and I’d wager your daughter has confided in her aunt and is over the moon her aunt will be there

have you even asked your daughter her thoughts?

I don’t know. Because if she was worried about it I know she would be saying “DD shouldn’t go at all” not going over for five days out of three weeks. She’s not someone who doesn’t say what they think which is why I don’t understand why she has gone about it this way.

She regularly tells me what she thinks so I really don’t think that’s the case.

I asked DD she seemed happy but not ecstatic about it. She mentioned it when I was talking to her about going away more of a passing comment.

Could your DD have disclosed something to her aunt? They seem close which is nice.

I must be missing something. You aren't worried about your daughter being with your ex so why do you care if your sister goes or not?

I agree with this pp. Anyhow, if he has been shouty or horrid to your dd he could have sworn her to complete secrecy. She loves him and she wouldn't want to snitch on her dad as she might be afraid (or had it put in her head) that she won't be allowed to see dad any more and it will be all her fault.

Your sister is being very sensible if you ask me.

This

It is very clear on the basis of this thread that despite very clear evidence to the contrary, you have absolutely no, none whatsoever, zilch, concerns about your ex.

Your sister, like many of us on this thread, think differently 🤷‍♀️

Could your sister just see it an excuse for a free holiday?
what has your ex said about her seemingly inviting herself?

Maybe. I’ve not spoken to him about it.

Ok point taken. I’ll ask her if this is the reason. If it is then DD won’t be going at all.

I genuinely don’t think there is an issue there, but can’t risk being wrong about this.

I see where you are coming from. She can blab away about you and I wouldn't like that. It seems like a betrayal. I ditched a friend who continued to lunch with my ex h as I felt I couldn't trust her. She didn't like it when I told her so maybe if you haven't been in this situation they don't get it.
As regards your daughter you do need to speak to her about it. Has she been before?

I don't think we can say that about the sister.

So you thinking your sister and ex husband are what shagging?

So you think he's so terrible that your sister shouldn't engage with him but equally that it's fine for your daughter to go.

I really don't understand, if he can abuse you he can abuse your daughter. I'd be glad dsis was there.

So why do you think dsis is going? To wind you up in some way? I don't get it.

If you ex threatened you and punched walls around you as a woman, why do you think he will be different around your 10 year old daughter who is fast approaching teenage years?

A man who threatens women and punches walls isn’t safe around females IMO. Did your child witness his shitty behaviour towards you?

I understand you feel betrayed by your sister, but in this instance I think I would be glad she was going to check he’s still fine with your daughter now she’s older and probably finding a more independent voice from the little girl he once lived with.

Reading your posts, I wonder if she's one of those people that becomes a neutral bystander in awful situations. A, well, a pick me. Your marriage happened to you, she's impartial. She knows you had a hard time but that doesn't stop her from doing her thing.

I've had 'friends' like this and do not miss them.

It does feel like a betrayal because it is. They should have a conscience.

Neither do I hence the thread. I have no issue with my sister maintaining some form of relationship with him for my DD’s sake but going on holiday, arranging things without talking to me or even letting me know that’s the problem.

I know exactly how you feel OP after I split up from my cheating exh and he put me through hell with divorce settlement that he dragged on for over 10 months and twice didn't turn up at court and would not just go halves on everything like I thought was fair after 21 years of marriage. My sister knew all he'd put me through yet she had her photo taken with him at our dd's wedding. Not an official photo just one she wanted taken of her and her DH and my exh and his new partner. Sh wS chatting away to him and laughing. I can't explain how much it hurt me. It's almost 20 years again now but it still stings when I recall it. I just can't figure out why she'd do that. We were always close but after that I took a step back from her and she still doesn't seem to know why. Your sister is being disloyal.

Thank you. This is sums it up about how I feel about her behaviour.

An I alone in thinking that OP's sister visiting and staying OP 's ex in another country, presumably without her own partner, is really really weird? Because pretty much all I'm reading is people justifying it as if it's perfectly normal.

Exactly what I was thinking but couldn't express. Deep down proving to herself and the world that she is the better sister, the better woman, because she can maintain a relationship with this man without him wanting to beat her/a nearby wall. Showing him she's the better woman, whether she wants to sleep with him or not.

Does he live somewhere nice?

If I were you I would think that your sister would like to start a relationship with your ex That would be my first thought.