Feel so completely betrayed by my sister. Don’t know what to do.

[DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP]

My sister has arranged to go and visit my ex-husband for five days while my DD is visiting him in his home country over the summer holidays.

My marriage was awful. He was aggressive and used to threaten me, punch holes in walls scream at me, she knows all of this and actively encouraged my leaving.

Everytime I challenge how she engages with him, she spouts a line “it’s about what’s best for DD/DN”. I understand that there needs to be communication between parents etc but this feels so inappropriate and unnecessary. What’s more she knew I wouldn’t be ok with it, that it would hurt me and organised it behind my back. I found out from my DD.

She helps a lot with childcare and I’m incredibly grateful for that, but I’m at the point where I just feel that I can’t have someone in my life who behaves like this. Who goes behind my back who does things knowing they will hurt me it feels like she knows she has me in a position where I am going to really struggle if I don’t have her support and will do what she wants regardless of my feelings and without even a discussion.

I don’t know what to do.

For Context: DD has a great relationship with her father and I have zero concerns in relation to that. My sister and I have had issues in the past and this feels like part of a wider agenda on her part.

I said much earlier in this thread directly to you that I took onboard your point and needed to check with my sister if she had concerns, you however chose to completely disregard that and continue beating your drum of assumptions.

My marriage was awful. He was aggressive and used to threaten me, punch holes in walls scream at me

How do you know that he won’t do that to your DD if she “steps out of line”? She’s getting older and you can’t know 100% surely, unless you are exaggerating what he did to you? I wouldn’t send my DD let alone for THREE WEEKS.

It would piss me off too. But I’d reframe it in my head and think great DD has a healthy relationship with my sister and that’s important she has support.

IF and she might have designs on your ex, you’ll find out eventually anyway and then that would be the end of my relationship with her.

Your sister might be not very loyal and wants a free holiday.

You have said he only moved to his home country recently but also that she has been there many times.

How did that happen?

Ask her why. Why do you think she’s doing it?

You rely on her for childcare, I’d let it go.

I think the not telling you is really odd and I would ask her directly why. Whatever her reason for going, and there have been many raised on this thread, I would have expected her to talk to you about it first.
You feeling “betrayed” sounds like there is a lot of bad feeling towards your ex husband, which is making it difficult for you to see clearly. She could have good or bad motives, you won’t know until you ask.
But involving your dd who is only 10 in this is not great. I would straight out say this to your dsis, the communication has to go through you.

I think it is strange and your sister is doing the "neutral bystander" thing that some other posters mention. I have known people do the same, and for the person hurt it does feel very disloyal.

Ideally yes but if the aunt thinks that will stop her niece telling anyone she may have chosen not. The aunt is behaving oddly so there must be a reason

Going there in the summer holidays.

"your sister is doing the "neutral bystander" thing"

Also known as Switzerland friends. The type of person who says, "there's always two asides to everything". They will say this no matter how objectively horribly someone has behaved, because they don't actually care about the person who was subjected to the terrible behaviour.

Family can also be Switzerland friends, but it's more egregious in them, because one expects family to care and be loyal.

OP - If she’s quite involved in your daughters life, maybe she’s fearful of missing her, and since she doesn’t have the history doesn’t feel she has to stay away. Either way, I agree it’s disloyal of her to have gone behind your back. I would feel incredibly let down if my sister did this to me.

p.s. Thank god the other rabid posters have finally “bowed out”, what ever that means. Perhaps now you can have a sensible discussion.

I don’t get why she’s done this either. If she has valid concerns then why wouldn’t she share that with you? And this trip is for your DD to spend some time with her dad and that side of the family, so why on earth would your sister think it’s ok to elbow her way into that?
Has she replied yet?

That is entirely possible, she will miss her as will I so I can completely understand that. It’s the lack of discussion and arranging it with out even letting me know what is going on with utter disregard for how I might feel which has caused me to feel betrayed.

Would absolutely welcome a constructive discussion. I know my DD relationship with my sister is separate to mine, which is why I feel conflicted on the one hand I want to distance myself from my sister because of this but on the other she is an incredibly important part of my DD life.

Feel quite stuck as to how I manage my emotional boundaries, her relationship with DD and the practical aspects of her support (which I am very appreciative of).

I don't think there is any excuse for not telling the mother and flying out secretly to monitor DD with her father if that's what the aunt is doing. If the DD has something very serious to worry about the aunt should be telling the mother immediately. If it's not serious but the DD just wants her aunt there for some other reason, the aunt should not have done it secretly. There is no secret the DD and aunt can have that is simultaneously serious enough that the DD needs supervision and monitoring with her father and also can be kept secret from the mother. It's inappropriate.

My DS was in almost an identical situation. He used to go back to his dad's country several times a year up to the point that the dad moved there permanently. It's not that hard to comprehend.

Assuming you’ve never had the faintest whiff of your sister having feelings for you ex…, I’d presume your child has confided in her aunt.

You daughter is very happy “”but not ecstatic”, probably doesn’t want to hurt your feelings op) that her aunt will be joining her… so take that as a win op.

Is he married? In a relationship? Has other children?

I’m absolutely certain there is nothing like that going on.

As @FortyElephants said if there is something serious enough going on that she feels the need to go and be with DD while she is away then she should be telling me about it. If not then she should have told me before arranging it. This is the crux of the issue, and what I fundamentally don’t understand.

My DD mentioned it in passing she thought I already knew, I’ve not probed too hard at her because she is 10 and doesn’t need to be caught in the middle.

He has a partner, she has a good relationship with DD they are close.

Your sister has never felt the need to accompany her neice

however, your daughter is 10, approaching puberty and probably more able to distinguish between what is appropriate behaviour and inappropriate behaviour. Given this man is heinous at his core, I would be very worried.

I think your daughter has told her aunt things that are very concerning and your aunt is desperately worried. Her neice has sworn her to secrecy and so the aunt has decided she will go out there and get a feel for what the hell is going on and then report back to you.

So really…. The only reason the sister can be going is because she is concerned. No affair, no feelings, just worry

So you are suggesting she has such serious concerns that she feels the need to go there to find out “what the hell is going on” rather than actively advocating against DD going at all which is what should happen in that situation. Not jibbing in for 5 days out of three weeks.

My sister loves my DD there is absolutely no way that would be her approach, if she thought DD was unhappy or unsafe in anyway she would be vocal about it. Which is why I don’t think this is the reason.

She would also be pushing on an open door I’m not enthusiastic about these visits but DD enjoys them and her feelings and relationships with her paternal family are more important than my feelings which is rooted in how I feel about her father.

OP you’re getting replies you don’t like because you’re parenting her in a way that not many people here will understand. Three weeks is a long time for a ten year old to be out of their home setup with no safe people, but you don’t seem to have noticed that. Likewise, it is odd that you trust your ex after how he behaved. You should be glad your sister is on the ball and taking on a protective role.

I’m confused

you say you have never ever got hint of anything untoward between your sister and ex

you say you don’t think that this will be a reason at all

so why do you think OP?

and why don’t you actually call your sister given the crux of your question?

Also if your ex has the character you describe he’ll be manipulative and charming and confusing. It’s quite likely there’s an off feeling that nobody can quite put their finger on. Least of all your DD who will feel obligated to say she likes it there.