Feel so completely betrayed by my sister. Don’t know what to do.

[DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP]

My sister has arranged to go and visit my ex-husband for five days while my DD is visiting him in his home country over the summer holidays.

My marriage was awful. He was aggressive and used to threaten me, punch holes in walls scream at me, she knows all of this and actively encouraged my leaving.

Everytime I challenge how she engages with him, she spouts a line “it’s about what’s best for DD/DN”. I understand that there needs to be communication between parents etc but this feels so inappropriate and unnecessary. What’s more she knew I wouldn’t be ok with it, that it would hurt me and organised it behind my back. I found out from my DD.

She helps a lot with childcare and I’m incredibly grateful for that, but I’m at the point where I just feel that I can’t have someone in my life who behaves like this. Who goes behind my back who does things knowing they will hurt me it feels like she knows she has me in a position where I am going to really struggle if I don’t have her support and will do what she wants regardless of my feelings and without even a discussion.

I don’t know what to do.

For Context: DD has a great relationship with her father and I have zero concerns in relation to that. My sister and I have had issues in the past and this feels like part of a wider agenda on her part.

3 weeks

I would be over the moon my child’s secondary care giver to me is going to check up on her

If this is the case then the aunt is behaving appallingly by not talking to the mother.

No it is not unusual for children who have family in other countries to go away for a longer holiday over the summer. She does have safe people her grandparents etc who she spends time with independently of her father.

And if this is a safety issue why on earth is going for 5 days out of three weeks the solution? Please explain why that is the appropriate answer in your opinion not saying “OP DN has disclosed x,y,z” I don’t think she should be going.

With out talking to you about it? Not even a heads up “FYI Baldrick I’ve booked to go be with DN for 5 days”

As stated previously I’ve asked her if this is the reason she is going and have yet to receive a response.

You really don't know much about the situation though and you're making a lot of assumptions. When my DS would go stay with his dad there were always relatives around including many women who I trusted far more than I trusted the ex. There was no way I would have been able to withhold my son from his father and now he's a young adult I'm glad I didn't, despite the worry I often had and the risks I had to mitigate. It's rarely as easy as saying that you just don't let the child go. Many of us have to coparent with a dodgy/lazy/abusive ex and we have to make the best of it and mitigate the risks.

Ok, another theory. If your ex is manipulative could it be that he has invited her to confuse and annoy you?

I would be chasing the hell out of this. Her not answering is not nice.

Ring her! This is serious

Are you with your daughter this weekend op?

rather than mumsnetting, why not talk to her

I’ve messaged her because when I asked her initially I was told “because I want to” which I’ve already shared in a previous post. I don’t think we’d have a constructive conversation, and I don’t want to end up having an argument so chose to message.

Yes I’m with my daughter and as I’ve already told you I’m not about to put her in the middle of this. I don’t just assume everything is ok I have continuous conversations with her to make sure it is.

@FortyElephants 100%. Navigating contact orders, balancing risks.The amount of times I've had to explain to women who aren't divorced that unless the dad is disinterested you can't 'just' withholding contact

Thank you! The moral absolutism is crazy, I can’t just stop contact.

If there is a genuine concern I’m not aware of telling me so I can take steps to protect DD should have be the first thing that happened.

I’m not talking about putting her in the middle

I’m talking about maybe going out with your daughter for lunch, sitting across the table from her and asking her how she feels about going to dad’s, does she know anything planned, what would she like to do with you this summer etc. and then maybe guiding the conversation to whether she has any less than positive feelings, which would be entirely natural etc

If you had to say why you think op…

what would you say?

You are making massive assumptions about how I interact with my DD.

I have those conversations with her constantly. Especially in the lead up to times when she will be going away. That’s exactly how I came to find out about this in one of those conversations in which DD told me about my sisters plans. We are going to my best friends this afternoon who has known DD her whole life and she will also have that chat with her.

I’ve no idea. Maybe element of the “Switzerland family member”. Also that she will miss DD when she is away, possibly just got carried away and enacted something and didn’t tell me, then when spoken to about it got defensive rather than have a conversation about it.

I really don’t understand her approach here.

Oh stop. Women have to permit fathers to be in their children’s lives all the time despite having had an abusive relationship. What is the law and custom here? The child has had continuous contact with the father since the separation. Father has a partner who gets on well eith child. Child’s paternal grandmother will be coming and getting the child.

All this attacking of OP for permitting the father to have contact with his child is just odd, swarming, behavior. OP does not have free rein to deny the visit. Most women don’t.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but is your daughter visiting your ex for the whole 6 weeks summer holiday?
If that’s the case then yes, maybe it’s because your sister will miss your daughter but you need to make it clear to her, that this is time for your daughter and her dad to spend time together! I’m assuming you won’t be trotting off there for five days!

TBH if your sister keeps stonewalling and brushing this off, I would re-think using her as a suitable/reasonable adult to take care of your DD. This sounds like some ridiculous power-play, that she is welcome in your ex-husband's home and you are not. She seems to be using her position as a secondary carer to your DD to make decisions that are not hers to make. Your ex-DH will love that your sister seems to be siding with him. They are both twats.

If she does have genuine concerns about your ex-husband's behaviour towards your daughter, she has no right to withhold these concerns from you. It sounds as though she wants to be the most important person in your DD's life. She is massively overstepping.

I do apologise if my comments seemed absolute. I come from the position of having an abusive ex who is out of my children’s lives, I recognise that’s different.

Oh please! If you've been on Mumsnet for more than two minutes, you would know that the courts take a really dim view of mums preventing their children having contact/spending holidays with even really shit dads with a history of abuse towards their ex-wives and sometimes even their children.

The Relationships and Legal Matters boards are full of horrific stories where mums with genuine concerns about their children's safety when they are with their dads are disbelieved and punished by the courts for withholding contact.

Family courts are often a patriarchal nightmare for mums with children leaving abusive relationships who are accused of 'parental alienation' when trying to keep their children safe.

Although her ex was awful to her, OP doesn't have any information or evidence that would lead her to believe that her daughter's dad is abusing her in some way so she can't just withold contact. She needs to get to the bottom of why her sister is doing this.

I don't know if it is people projecting their own experiences or just a strange need to prove the OP to be in the wrong, but some posters here are really taking what the OP says and running with it to create their own fictional narrative.

OP, I still don't understand what the problem is? you are happy that your child will be ok. Your sister has decided to do something which you don't understand but which doesn't affect you. Honestly why the concern?

I’ve clearly answered this is past comments.

Its creepy of the sister to intrude on the dd’s relationship with the estranged father. Her loyalty should be to the OP and she should defer to the OP as the child’s mother.