Feel so completely betrayed by my sister. Don’t know what to do.

[DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP]

My sister has arranged to go and visit my ex-husband for five days while my DD is visiting him in his home country over the summer holidays.

My marriage was awful. He was aggressive and used to threaten me, punch holes in walls scream at me, she knows all of this and actively encouraged my leaving.

Everytime I challenge how she engages with him, she spouts a line “it’s about what’s best for DD/DN”. I understand that there needs to be communication between parents etc but this feels so inappropriate and unnecessary. What’s more she knew I wouldn’t be ok with it, that it would hurt me and organised it behind my back. I found out from my DD.

She helps a lot with childcare and I’m incredibly grateful for that, but I’m at the point where I just feel that I can’t have someone in my life who behaves like this. Who goes behind my back who does things knowing they will hurt me it feels like she knows she has me in a position where I am going to really struggle if I don’t have her support and will do what she wants regardless of my feelings and without even a discussion.

I don’t know what to do.

For Context: DD has a great relationship with her father and I have zero concerns in relation to that. My sister and I have had issues in the past and this feels like part of a wider agenda on her part.

Which country is she travelling to? Is there a reason your sister feels she needs to travel there with a 10 year old girl?

Totally understand why this bothers you. It's the secrecy, not being upfront, why? It just sits weirdly. My mum has 3 sisters. 1 of them had an abusive relationship and filed for divorce and sole custody of the son...one of the other sisters stood up and gave evidence for the exh to have the son. This was decades ago and they've barely spoken to her since. Noone knows why she did it, she'd no rational reason, absolutely bonkers.

Also, I understand re kids with someone that was aggressive with you but not with kids. A lot of abusers direct it solely at their romantic relationships. But you're checking that anyway so...I personally don't think that's her reason. If it were surely she'd have told you. Sounds like she has no problem voicing opinions

What did your sister say?

I think ask her outright why she is doing that?
Then ask her not to. If she continues I’d reduce her contact with dd after the holiday. She is behaving very oddly and I too would find it disloyal and upsetting.

It seems odd but maybe it's a really simple explanation. So she knew her niece was going away, was thinking of a holiday or was feeling a bit bored, thought oh I could go there for a bit, be nice to spend time with niece and booked something. Didn't think about what you would think, maybe if she did, didn't think you would mind really, sort of lacking any empathy with you. Not deliberately trying to wind you up but just not thinking about you.

The reasons could be that she fancies the ex.

I said in a comment TO YOU that up until he moved back to his home county which happed recently she sees her dad regularly (weekly).

Granny she also has a good relationship with.

you are creating a narrative to fit your assumptions.

Sounds like your sister has some safe guarding concerns maybe? I know I would.

I’ve asked her if that is the reason. She has not answered yet.

Sister’s partner presumably also knows your daughter very well given she stays overnight ever week.

your sister isn’t keeping it quiet, she isn’t being sneaky about it, she’s being utterly open that she is going to accompany your daughter on holiday to her violent father’s. She’s not lying to her DP about where she’s going. Not exactly the behaviour of someone having a rampant affair with someone. He’s possibly completely on board with it because he too is concerned.

So a big change to now be travelling to another country to see him on a much less regular basis. All still very new to her

I agree with a previous poster that the most likely explanation for the secrecy is your daughter has asked her aunt to come. Your sister could be nervous of talking to you because she doesn't want to betray your daughter's confidence. I think you should talk directly to your sister and daughter and say you would like to know what's going on (in a relaxed conversation, nothing argumentative). I think your daughter is trying to please both her parents and it's a lot of pressure on a 10 year old.

It might be an idea for you to go on this trip too, maybe just stay in a hotel but be available if your daughter needs you.

To have such unwavering faith in someone who behaved very aggressively and violently to you OP

vs

to be so skeptical and untrusting of someone who has sole care of your daughter overnight every week, some weekends and sees you daughter ever weekend for her shared hobby with her…

is baffling

Maybe your daughter is struggling in some way and has confided in her aunt who doesn’t want to leave her without support for 3 weeks

If that were the case why on earth would the sister book to go and stay with him and her without telling OP rather than address it with OP head on?
None of this makes any sense

If that were the case the sister should raise it with the child's mother - she's only 10!

It doesn’t

but it is very clear on this thread that the Op seems to have complete and unwavering trust in her violent and very aggressive ex husband with regard to looking after children

It's possible that OP is completely mistaken about the safety of her child during contact and that her sister knows something she doesn't and that her daughter is telling her aunt things she's not telling her mum. If that's the case then there are a lot of things to worry about and unpick. However it's also possible, in face more likely than not, that OP knows her ex and knows her daughter and is managing the difficult balance of supporting a child's relationship with an abusive man after the end of the relationship whilst also protecting her child: it's not easy, but millions of us do it every year.

I’m shocked that this aggressive behaviour is seemingly being minimised by Hedgehogbrown
how is it not abusive???

Yes indeed

but this isn’t an aunt on the periphery of this child’s life. She is very very much involved. Every week the child stays overnight the aunt and often over weekends. And then share a weekend hobby together to see one another every weekend.

No they aren’t, I responded to that poster directly and at length, but that doesn’t fit your narrative does it?

You however are ignoring much of what I say especially clarifications to your assumptions.

So now you’re all for @Hedgehogbrown questioning your view that he is abusive?

this is weird I’ll bow out.

unwavering trust with an abusive violent ex
versus highly distrusting of someone who is extensively involved in your child’s life

🤷‍♀️

I for one, bloody pleased this young girl has her aunt there looking out for her

Not sure why you’re getting so many weird comments OP, of course if you’ve got no safeguarding concerns (which you’ve expresssd you don’t and you know the situation best) you can’t just refuse to let your DD see her dad!

Re your sister, that’s totally bizarre and disrespectful that she would go and stay at your ex’s house over the summer when she has regular access to your DD here. Why has your ex even agreed to it?? The only thing I can think of is that she can’t afford a holiday and sees it as some way to get free accommodation abroad and feels going when DD is there makes it less odd of her?

Either way, there’s a big difference between you maintaining contact between your DD and her dad despite a difficult relationship with the dad and family members actively seeking out friendship and going to stay for days with someone who tormented you!!

She didn't tell OP. OP found this out from her daughter. Surely this was something that OP's sister would discuss with OP, rather than just arranging it with OP's ex-husband? It's underhand and sneaky as well as being really odd.

If OP's daughter had revealed some concerns about her dad's behaviour to her aunt, OP's sister should have told OP what was going on.