Feel so completely betrayed by my sister. Don’t know what to do.

[DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP]

My sister has arranged to go and visit my ex-husband for five days while my DD is visiting him in his home country over the summer holidays.

My marriage was awful. He was aggressive and used to threaten me, punch holes in walls scream at me, she knows all of this and actively encouraged my leaving.

Everytime I challenge how she engages with him, she spouts a line “it’s about what’s best for DD/DN”. I understand that there needs to be communication between parents etc but this feels so inappropriate and unnecessary. What’s more she knew I wouldn’t be ok with it, that it would hurt me and organised it behind my back. I found out from my DD.

She helps a lot with childcare and I’m incredibly grateful for that, but I’m at the point where I just feel that I can’t have someone in my life who behaves like this. Who goes behind my back who does things knowing they will hurt me it feels like she knows she has me in a position where I am going to really struggle if I don’t have her support and will do what she wants regardless of my feelings and without even a discussion.

I don’t know what to do.

For Context: DD has a great relationship with her father and I have zero concerns in relation to that. My sister and I have had issues in the past and this feels like part of a wider agenda on her part.

Is she the sort of person who wants to get one over on you? Do you think she will enjoy chatting away to your ex husband about you, convincing herself that he's enjoying those conversations with her more than he did when he was with you? Some people are very strange about ex partners. They seem to use them to boost their own ego, even if the person they are talking to is violent. I think she's going to come home and say she's had a lovely time and that he's a really nice guy and she will be hinting that the problem is really with you.

Your comment highlights exactly the kind of lazy assumptions I’ve been pushing back on throughout this thread.

You’re suggesting that either:

1. I’m wrong to let my daughter go if my ex was abusive (I’ve never once used that word other posters have, so your little comment “was it an abusive or just a bad relationship” is not as impactful as you may have intended), or
2. I’m wrong to feel betrayed by my sister, because maybe it’s “just jealousy.”

That’s a false binary.
It’s entirely possible to have endured a harmful relationship, spent years healing, ensured your child is safe through active parenting and ongoing monitoring and still feel deeply hurt when someone who knows that history decides to go abroad to visit that same man in secret. Especially as she knows how hard I’ve worked to recover, it feels like slap in the face and an invalidation of my experience from someone I thought I could to some extent trust even though we haven’t always had an easy relationship.

I’ve acknowledged the validity of some concerns in this thread and I’ve already messaged my sister to understand if keeping DD safe was actually her reasoning. Although I fail to see how 5 days out of 3 weeks would accomplish that.

The idea that this must be about jealousy is reductive and patronising. I’ve actively stated on this thread that I do not believe that my sister has any interest in my ex the continued pushing of this narrative demonstrates a male centric mind set where anything more nuanced and about the workings of a sibling relationship are not a possibility because a man is involved ergo it must be jealousy.

My sister has every opportunity to spend time with my daughter. We live near each other. She sees her weekly. What she didn’t need to do was arrange to go abroad, meaning that would be time spent with my ex knowing exactly how I’d feel and then leave my daughter to be the one who told me.

I’m capable of understanding nuance. It’s a shame more people in this thread don’t have the same ability.

I cannot think of a single reason why one of my daughters would go to stay with the other's ex, in another country. I don't interfere in my DDs' lives at all, but I'd totally step in and ask what she was playing at, if that happened.

I can't imagine how OP 's sister is explaining this to her partner.

'is he abusive, or was it just a bad relationship' was not intended to be 'impactful'. Was he abusive? You say he hit walls and was aggressive, then you say he's a great Father and you send your daughter to live with him. I'm genuinely wondering.

OP, you are totally correct in feeling annoyed by your sister. Her actions are very strange. She may have decided to protect your daughter against your ex or wanted a holiday with her, but either way, she did not discuss it with you as her neice's mum!

Regardless of her intentions, she should ask your permission to do this and tell you of her intentions, all the more if she has a genuine safeguarding concern. Her actions might also support your ex if there is a breakdown in your parental plan and he uses it against you that you 'sent' someone over during his time with your daughter or to 'spy' on him (accusations like this are typical with abusive people). If she discussed it only with him it undermines your position further as if you are unimportant or weak as a parent, especially as she knows how you were treated by him.

Despite the comments here, I am not sure that anyone would really be happy with this if it was their own child. It is just not normal not to discuss this with the mum before booking a flight.

Face first into the point and still missed it.

On your side OP. This behavior of your sister is very undermining of you. She seems to be trying to take on a quasi parental role with your daughter and forming an alliance with your ex husband.

I think your sister thinks she’s a better mother than you (I know she is childless, but I think that’s where her motive lies.)

Is she staying with him? Or visiting?

OP, this sounds very odd and you are right to be concerned. Either your sister is attempting to undermine you or, as others have suggested, your ex is using her to get back at you. Or both. This is NOT normal behavior. The people who are suggesting that your sister is doing this out of "concern for your daughter" have clearly never had the pleasure of dealing with a manipulative family member. I would be very firm with your sister and tell her that you find her behavior odd. I would also start planning an exit strategy from having her so closely involved with your daughter.

Agreed.

Op you entrust your sister with the sole care of your daughter… a lot

So i am going to guess hope that you trust your sister a lot

Your sister and your daughter are very close. Your daughter stays often overnight with your sister. Your sister collects her from school once a week. They have so much time to talk. And I think your 10 year old has confided in her aunt that she’d like her there.

at 10, you barely see your father and suddenly you have to travel abroad with a granny you barely know and stay with your dad and his family that you barely see, but you know your mum has absolutely nothing to do with. Can’t see many 10 year olds exactly jumping for joy at them prospect of doing this all alone.

sorry, re: betrayal,,,,

Your sister is violating a boundary here. Nonetheless, the boundaries in your family seem quite fuzzy: your sister does a lot of looking after your DD. How is she compensated for that?

Again, how do you know he doesn’t drink? He lives in a foreign country.

So you do see him?

How did your sister and ex get on when you were married?

Use your spidy senses and keep an eye on your sister. Watch her pattern, keep notes, and be ready..................Step up when you need to. Be brave, you can deal with this.

Sweet Jesus

this sister has the OP’s daughter overnight every single week, and often overnight at weekends and sees her every weekend for a shared hobby.

If the op finds herself doing this then she shouldn’t be entrusting her child in to the sole care of someone so extensively

I feel for you OP and my money is on that she wants or HAS a relationship with him
If there are already issues between you it’s because she wants to be the better woman, mother etc. I have seen sisters unspeakably betray each other before

She seems to be trying to take on a quasi parental role with your daughter

Yes.

I also agree with this. If you don’t think it’s because she’s worried about your daughters safety, or wants to have a relationship with your exH, I imagine she’s trying to get one over on you as a mother, by going along because you can’t. She knows you don’t have any control over this.

I can only liken it to if I decided to go and visit my exSIL, who used to physically abuse my brother. It would be a massive betrayal to him after what he went through, and totally unnecessary for me to do. I just wouldn’t. Clearly your sister would.

I agree with you. It's really strange and disloyal behaviour from her sister. If she has concerns about OP's ex-husband's behaviour towards OP's daughter, she should discuss this with OP. OP knows her daughter and sister better than the posters on here who are adamant that her sister is just protecting her daughter and that she knows OP's DD better than she does.

Another vote for yes this is weird. You aren't the weird one.

It IS a betrayal.

"Neutral bystanders" fuck me off ... we have a load of them in my family... all happy to sit down and break bread with a man we KNOW is a paedophile. And then I'm accused of "making a scene" by going out for a walk and avoiding him.

I also had an abusive father who my mum would have said was a great dad when I was a child (& i really loved him) He become very abusive to all the kids as they got older. I felt it in particular when I hit teen years

If you rely on someone to have your child a lot and let them have a say in things, they will assume responsibilities that perhaps they shouldn’t.
I think it’s odd that your sister is going, I think she is going to see her because she will miss her being away for an extended time and feels she has the right to do this.
If she was genuinely worried for her she would just say to you that she doesn’t think it’s a good idea for her to go.
She is inserting herself where she has no right to be, if she believes your daughter is unsafe her pitching up for 5 days will make no difference to what would come before/after she is there.
You need to pick up the parenting reigns more if you’re frustrated by your sister, she sounds overbearing but if you allow someone to be do heavily involved, lines become blurred.

Where does your ex live?
Is it somewhere she wants to visit and he is a convenient place to stay?