Husband fancies me less since I got fit?

[LolalaBouche]

Me & DH are both early 40s. One DS (10). Together 20 yrs. DH is gorgeous- tall, dark & handsome, a runner with a great physique. Also aging has improved him- he really suits salt & pepper hair etc. Pppl often comment on his good looks. (He’s also a lovely person). By contrast, I am decidedly physically average and have not improved with age!
Im an ED nurse and in the past 12 months I lost some weight due to work stress. I noticed I was feeling a bit better about myself so started working out, I’ve changed how we eat (always cooked from scratch but started prioritising protein etc), and I’ve started running a bit. So I’m physically now in better shape than I have been since my early 20’s- I’m 5’7 and around 10st 5 so not skinny by any means but slim. I’ve gone from a size 14/16 to a 10. I’ve been told I look well.
DH and I have always had a great sex life but since I’ve lost the weight, he just isn’t as interested. The only sex we’re having is when I initiate it, and it very much feels like he’s having sex with me out of a sense of obligation. He used to be quite handsy when we were alone but that has stopped. He has said that my body feels weird when he hugs me because I’d been curvy for a long time.
I really miss our former intimacy. I would still fancy him if he gained some weight and I feel like I’m somehow being punished for starting to take better care of myself. I’ve always been aware that I was punching but this is just making me feel crap.
Anyone else experienced anything like this?

I'd wonder if he was cheating or has a crush sorry.

I think he’s markedly in the minority to be fair. You look and feel better and this is a good thing for your health. Did he get off on being the more desirable partner previously and maybe that’s affecting him?

my husband is like this prefers curves and when they say curves I think they mean boobs and bum. I’d rather be healthily stick with your plan.

Maybe he’s feeling jealous now or worries that other people will be more attracted to you and hopes that you stop exercising if you think he feels you’re less attractive ?

That's a weird one, seems like there could be more behind this to me, Ok maybe he likes curves etc but you lost a bit of weight and suddenly he wants no sex at all?? I don't know, seems a bit fishy to me. Is he insecure? Does he like being the "more attractive" one in the relationship? odd

DP has always hated her top teeth, as far as she's concerned they're a funny shape, have an awful looking gap, one of them is chipped, and they're a bit stained. She always said she felt self conscious when smiling because of it. So a few years ago when we finally had enough money that spending a better part of a grand on getting them done wouldn't break the bank, she got them done.

And objectively, she looks better. And more importantly, she's happier. And I've gotten used to them, but to be honest, it took some getting used to. And when I see photos of her prior to having them done, I miss that smile. Because that's the smile I fell in love with and have loved for most of the 20 years we've been together.

Your husband @LolalaBouche has spent decades in love with a version of you that looks a certain way, feels a certain way. At this point, he's spent 20 years getting aroused by someone who looks the way you used to look, and now he's expected to get turned on by someone who looks very different.

He'll probably get used to it, but it might not be instant. And it might not happen at all, there's a possibility he's just not attracted to skinnier women. That doesn't mean he's not happy for you having achieved your weightloss for health reasons, both things can be true at the same time.

Congrats on getting into great shape, this can only be good for your health!
However sounds like your husband may be a bit jealous, as it’s now you getting lots of compliments on your appearance.
He may feel less confident when you get the compliments, hopefully he will get use to it.
Definitely continue to make the first move as this will make him feel good.

If sex has previously been fine then this is weird. He's either jealous or his heads been turned.

That is weird and as you say, unless it's a significant change for the worse (ie, very under or overweight), I'd like to think my husband would still fancy me whatever the size and me him.

I'd also be wondering if something else has gone on? Maybe you need to talk to him

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots makes a good point. I got a similar response when I lost weight.

Do you think he’s put out that he isn’t the fit one now? That would make him incredibly insecure/ vain. Surely you would have noticed those traits in other situations.

Why haven’t you asked him why he’s changed towards you?

Have you noticed him behaving in a superior or controlling manner before OP?

I'm asking because I've seen this happen to a friend before. She is wonderful but had always been on the bigger side, he was traditionally handsome but seemed loving.

When she started getting fit he started to tell her the same things. That she was less attractive, that he missed her curves, that he wanted her to be 'happy'.

She said things she hadn't really noticed before started to fit into place. He had been controlling under the guise if being helpful and loving. He liked having someone he thought of as 'safe' and unlikely to leave him, her becoming attractive to other men was infuriating to him. He stopped having sex with her, almost as a punishment. She refused to trade her health for whatever weird power trip he was on.

In the end it turned out he was having an affair with an older, though ironically slimmer, woman.

My DH competes in athletics. For the most part, he walks around with a rugby player build, good bit of meat on his bones.

When he is coming up to competition season, he cuts his diet and trains more. He loses loads of weight. Factually, he is healthier and probably is, to the current western world standards more aesthetically pleasing, when in this phase.
I don't fancy him much in this phase, though.

He feels weird to cuddle and to be intimate with - literally different to touch. I'm always quite pleased when the comps are over and he goes back to 'himself' again.

That's fine because I always know he's coming back to the 'normal' him. If this IS your new normal, the that's a disconnect between you and your husband.

Just wanted to highlight that I think jumping to assumptions of cheating etc is a bit wild. However, I'm not sure its a whole lot better if the reality is he just doesn't fancy you as much this way.

I think we are so programmed to think of being slim as superior, that it’s a shock to realise that some men do genuinely find a slightly curvier build more attractive.
I certainly don’t mean you should change anything about your fitness or diet routine OP, but have an open and honest conversation with him about the lack of sexual desire. The timing could also be coincidental and not related to your new toned figure in any way.

There are some very strange perspectives on here! Whilst you may be healthier now, your husband seems far more attracted to curves. Like many partners I’ve had. If that’s what turns him on and he’s fancied you for 20 years it’s clear that’s a big change for him if he doesn’t have boobs/bum to grope in the same way.
I just don’t find skinny guys attractive so I wouldn’t date one. If a partner lost a lot of weight I’d find that more difficult to adjust to as well.
I’m sure there’ll be people saying that’s shallow, but that’s life. We like what we like.
If he loves you he’ll adjust but it’s not the same kind of attraction for him and he’s not to blame.

I do t get why people are finding it weird. Some people prefer a fuller figure. Op was a 14/16 it’s not like she was morbidly obese. It’s perfectly possible her husband preferred her at that size, and I say this as a skinny size 6.

I think you need to talk to him about it OP.

Thanks all for your thoughtful responses. Interesting to hear that some of you have experience of similar- it’s odd to me because I’ve always just really fancied DH regardless of his weight, but I guess that it’s true that some people have definite types. To add though- I was far slimmer (and way more toned) and a size 8 when we met, so it’s not as though he’s only ever known me as curvier.
I have talked to him about it, but he denies there’s any issue/ says he’s just tired/ stressed with work etc. But then he’ll let slip the comments about me feeling so different etc, also this has been going on for months now. Could be coincidence that it coincides with my weight loss I guess.
Hopefully he’ll get used to the change (I don’t look that different imo) and things will go back to normal. I don’t think it’s from a place of insecurity on his part because even with some weight loss, he is empirically far sexier than I am! 🙈

Just speculating, but I’m wondering if there is something else going on here. Personally, my libido increases significantly when I am exercising and in shape. Is it possible that you are feeling sexier in yourself and initiating sex more than you used to?
In which case either he is as interested as ever but gets less chance to initiate, or maybe he doesn’t like the pressure? Some men really like the chase and aren’t as interested if it’s not their idea. (Annoying as that is).

Norma Garcia always saying someone is sexier than her. You go girl!

He may be used to being the star of the relationship and doesn't like it that you're now starting to look as good as he does.

I’d say anxiety or irritation about your new healthier body/life/outlook. Maybe he felt safer with the homely, loving nurse thinks you’ll loose interest in him?

I was going to say he prefers a curvy body type. But that doesn’t make sense if you were a size 8 when you met him. How odd!

Weirdly this happened with my DH, I was size 12 when we met, ballooned to a 22 with pregnancy. It's taken me 2 years to lose the weight and he's less interested now I'm back to pre baby weight. If I ask him he dismisses it.

He did once say he worried now I looked so good I'd run off with someone better than him which I dismissed immediately!

I’ve lost weight in the last year gone from a curvy but fit and toned 12 to a slim size 8 with implants still fit and toned but I’m much smaller

my husband said it was a bit weird at first like I was a completely different woman he was in bed with but he loves my new figure and is just as in to sex with me as he always has been

men - you can’t really figure them out

I have to agree that it’s a bit odd no one can accept he maybe prefers a curvier woman: he was married to one.

I try not to feel this way but very skinny men I find totally physically unattractive. I’d struggle if my DH wasted away.

It is odd because objectively you are more back to the ‘old you’ he met!

The poster who talks about initiating/confidence may have a point. Is he jealous that your time/attention is going to you and not him?

Regardless, being as healthy as possible is important. If he likes you curvy, can you try some lingerie that enhances your shape and see if that helps?