Husband fancies me less since I got fit?

[LolalaBouche]

Me & DH are both early 40s. One DS (10). Together 20 yrs. DH is gorgeous- tall, dark & handsome, a runner with a great physique. Also aging has improved him- he really suits salt & pepper hair etc. Pppl often comment on his good looks. (He’s also a lovely person). By contrast, I am decidedly physically average and have not improved with age!
Im an ED nurse and in the past 12 months I lost some weight due to work stress. I noticed I was feeling a bit better about myself so started working out, I’ve changed how we eat (always cooked from scratch but started prioritising protein etc), and I’ve started running a bit. So I’m physically now in better shape than I have been since my early 20’s- I’m 5’7 and around 10st 5 so not skinny by any means but slim. I’ve gone from a size 14/16 to a 10. I’ve been told I look well.
DH and I have always had a great sex life but since I’ve lost the weight, he just isn’t as interested. The only sex we’re having is when I initiate it, and it very much feels like he’s having sex with me out of a sense of obligation. He used to be quite handsy when we were alone but that has stopped. He has said that my body feels weird when he hugs me because I’d been curvy for a long time.
I really miss our former intimacy. I would still fancy him if he gained some weight and I feel like I’m somehow being punished for starting to take better care of myself. I’ve always been aware that I was punching but this is just making me feel crap.
Anyone else experienced anything like this?

Some of the replies are so strange to me. Most of the men I’ve dated prefer curvy women. I remember a couple of times I lost weight when I was dating and each time the men have commented on it. They just prefer curvy women. Also being curvy doesn’t automatically mean you’re unhealthy and less attractive than a slimmer person. Or just because you’ve slimmed down you’re suddenly more attractive.

Definitely, and I say this as a slim woman. I was once a size 16 and men loved the curves, and when I went back to my usual figure one complained I had no bum to squeeze anymore.

Not in the minority, many men prefer curves.

I don't think it's that odd really. DP wasn't really my usual type when we started going out. But 20 years on a lot of the women I see as attractive look like DP. Essentially, if every time you have sex for 20 years, it's with a short blonde woman, then you're going to start finding short blonde women attractive in general.

I don't know how long OP was at a bigger size compared to her previous and current smaller one, but it sounds like it was a significant part of their relationship, plenty of time for her husband's brain to rewire itself to "curvy = hot". It may just be that it's going to take some time to rewire itself back.

Is curvy polite talk for overweight? I don’t understand what is meant by curvy, big boobs and bum? But can be slim and curvy and still have boobs and a bum? I know plenty of women like that.

I think it's not so much the change in your body he's upset about (or unsettled about), it's the change in your confidence that your new body/regime/lifestyle has given you that he's upset about imo. He doesn't like it because, deep down, he's always known that he's been in the ascendant when it comes to body/looks in the relationship (in his head I mean - not something ever spoken out aloud). You've tipped the balance recently (back to you). But then again perhaps your new confidence has coincided with a poor work situation with him or perhaps he's having a mid-life mini crisis..... exacerbated by your recent upturn in fitness/body/confidence. Just as he's at a low ebb.... you're shooting for the stars.

Some people do prefer curves eg boobs and bum. My DH lost weight after an illness and got a bit skinny and I didn't like his body as much 🤷🏻‍♀️

he is empirically far sexier than I am!

stop putting him on a pedestal though!

Curvy isn’t overweight, it’s just that, curvy. Having shape to the body. As you describe big boobs and bum.

I think this is such a dark interpretation with no real justification.

Why is it not possible he just loved his wife as she was and is learning to adjust?

There’s nothing to suggest op is now “hotter” than him. She’s just a couple of dress sizes different than the way she was. That doesn’t suddenly turn her into a sex symbol; it’s more likely it’s just made her feel a bit different to someone who is used to the way she looked and felt before.

Good question.
Yes, of course it could just be that he particularly fancied you as a size 14. But there might have been a change in dynamic accompanying your weight loss that you could both talk about and adjust to.

I think this tells you something about the overall dynamic in your relationship. I can’t believe it’s all been equal and great up until this point. It’s interesting that you always feel that you have been punching above your weight too, how has he reacted to your low confidence in the past?

All this “preferring curves” talk is by the by really - he loves you as a person too, or is supposed to, and you have become healthier and happier lately. That’s brilliant, except it isn’t as you are now being punished for it by a withdrawal of intimacy that is hurting you and knocking your confidence back down again. This isn’t a little period of adjustment that has affected his libido slightly, he has made this clear and into an issue.

At your current weight you can’t have lost your boobs/bum either. Plus you were slim when you got with him, so this isn’t a man with a lifelong fetish for large women..

And this - “He has said that my body feels weird when he hugs me because I’d been curvy for a long time”.

He had the chance to think before he said those words to you. But he still said them. And it wasn’t a throwaway comment, they were words that have been said against the context of him making it clear that he doesn’t desire you sexually.

He might just need some time to adjust I used to be super fit then was curvy now in the middle and each time our sex life dwindled and then rebooted. Some deep conversations and my husband admitted he really didn't like the unfamiliarity once it became familiar again it was ok. I also think it made him feel insecure. He btw us also very very fit has weighed the same for 30 years and we regularly get comments on how good looking he is. In terms of physical attraction my husband prefers curvy.

In OPs case I think still slimmish but with a layer of softness all over rather than athletic.
But generally curvy is also used for being overweight/obese too.

Yes it’s telling how OP talks about herself, quite negatively whereas husband is way above her league etc. Men don’t age better

I doubt the more cynical motives people are coming up with are true.

Going from a size 16 to a size 10 is a big difference. Your body will look very different.

He is obviously attracted to larger women, and has spent your whole relationship being turned on by you looking like you. And now you look different. And not like how his neurons have spent 20 years being wired to be turned on.

This poster makes a good point.
Is he trying to deflate your newfound confidence?

The thing is, dropping weight does change things in terms of attention from men quite dramatically. I’m slim at a size 12 but if I drop just half a stone the attention really ramps up, it is quite funny to see how shallow they are. Just a few lbs from all over my body and a switch flicks for them

I definitely lose my boobs and bum at a size 10 though, sadly.

I don't know, there was a thread recently where a woman had gained 20lb and her DH no longer fancied her, 90% of the replies said it was understandable, you can't control what you fancy, the woman had changed too much. It seems a tad fatphobic that most posts on this thread think he must be jealous or cheating. It's very possible he simply prefers your old physique.

Well it seems his attention has switched in the other direction from that few kilos.

I’m not sure there’s much justification for deciding he requires to be the “ sexiest.”

Very well put.

To be honest to me this thread is women reinforcing the very ideas we all complain about.

Clearly the DH was attracted to her the way she was.

But women are so obsessed by the idea that men love women more if they are slimmer, that they are having to make up convoluted psychological scenarios to explain why the evidence in this case isn’t pointing to that.

Women are women’s own worst enemy sometimes.

A little bit of insecurity creeping in on his part maybe? I always think there's a subconscious 'upper hand' by the slimmer/fitter person, whether that's partner or friend. He's lost that now.

Or not.

She’s only lost a few kilos. She’s gone from a not particularly large size to a not particularly small size. 🤷🏻‍♀️