Husband fancies me less since I got fit?

[LolalaBouche]

Me & DH are both early 40s. One DS (10). Together 20 yrs. DH is gorgeous- tall, dark & handsome, a runner with a great physique. Also aging has improved him- he really suits salt & pepper hair etc. Pppl often comment on his good looks. (He’s also a lovely person). By contrast, I am decidedly physically average and have not improved with age!
Im an ED nurse and in the past 12 months I lost some weight due to work stress. I noticed I was feeling a bit better about myself so started working out, I’ve changed how we eat (always cooked from scratch but started prioritising protein etc), and I’ve started running a bit. So I’m physically now in better shape than I have been since my early 20’s- I’m 5’7 and around 10st 5 so not skinny by any means but slim. I’ve gone from a size 14/16 to a 10. I’ve been told I look well.
DH and I have always had a great sex life but since I’ve lost the weight, he just isn’t as interested. The only sex we’re having is when I initiate it, and it very much feels like he’s having sex with me out of a sense of obligation. He used to be quite handsy when we were alone but that has stopped. He has said that my body feels weird when he hugs me because I’d been curvy for a long time.
I really miss our former intimacy. I would still fancy him if he gained some weight and I feel like I’m somehow being punished for starting to take better care of myself. I’ve always been aware that I was punching but this is just making me feel crap.
Anyone else experienced anything like this?

Maybe he likes a woman with a bit of weight on her and he's not looking elsewhere.

We like what we like.

My partner is tall and gorgeous but I have to admit if he lost a lot of weight, not that he needs to, I just wouldn't find him physically attractive anymore as I couldn't think of anything worse than a skinny man or one that was athletic.

There are many posts on here about partners putting on weight and being less attractive, it can work both ways.

Here here!

It’s all fun and games when women say they prefer “dad bods” but if a man likes a chunky lady with a tummy suddenly the world is on fire.

Just because we have been fed a never ending barrage of fat shaming doesn’t mean that a man’s desire and attraction to the bigger among us is weird or wrong.

Well he met and fell in love with her at size 8. She is now a size 10 and he doesnt find her attractive because shes too thin? Why didnt he marry someone bigger from the start if hes that fussy about weight 🤷🏻‍♀️ just seems a bit weird that he finds her attractive at size 8 and 14/16, but size 10 is the horror.

I think it just comes down to preference. My partner prefers me curvier (she is also female) and when I lost 2 stone and toned up a couple of years ago, we still had regular sex but it was obvious that she didn’t desire me as much. She wasn’t ever negative about how I looked, but you can tell by how someone touches you and looks at you. I gained most of the weight back and noticed that she looked at me how she used to again. Not everyone prefers slim and toned.

That said, it’s sad that he’s not as interested in sex now - surely it should still be about the connection that you have regardless of how you look?

If a woman is 'curvy' at size 12/14, then typically she is still curvy at size 10, as curvy is a body shape (small waist, bigger hips and bust) not a dress size, and weight loss usually just makes you a slimmer version of the same shape. Unless he has a particular attraction to heavier women, then I think there are other things at play here.

I wouldn’t rush to the conclusion that it’s due to jealousy or insecurity, I would lean more either towards preference or habits.

There is probably something beautiful about growing older together and seeing your partner’s body evolve with life (you carried his child for example which might part of your weight gain and maybe why he never had an issue with your weight in the first place). Could be that he misses that or simply miss the body he used to know.

I am a lesbian, I have no preferences when it comes to body types but my last ex was overweight, I absolutely loved her body (as I did the body of each of my ex partners and their different sizes) and the truth is when we broke up and I next had sex with someone extremely skinny and fit (8 pack kind of woman, so complete opposite extreme) I felt completely odd. I was genuinely attracted to the person but it was actually genuinely hard for me to get into it and enjoy it because I kept trying to reach for something that wasn’t there, it was so strange, I really had to get used to the sensation of not having the extra layers and everything feeling “bony”. It’s strange because I know that that new person had the “perfect” body according to a lot of (shallow) society standards but to me it just wasn’t the same.

I still consider myself not having a preference but I would say that it’s definitely weird being used to something and suddenly having to readjust to a touch that feels completely different (in my case it was two different people so that’s normal but I do think I would have felt equally weird and would have missed the curves if my ex had lost the weight and gotten an 8 pack, touching her would have felt different and I would have needed an adjustment time.)

In the end health is the most important thing and I think your husband is aware of that and that’s why he insists there is no issue, he probably is just trying to figure out how to internally process the change without it affecting your sexual interactions.

I disagree. Often when people lose weight they can lose their boobs and butt. Also the weight loss in the face can age you, depending on your age. You don't always look better, especially if you looked good to begin with

100%. It's incredible how much people are conditioned to believe it is always more attractive, to everyone, to be thinner.

Having said that, your health and happiness are much more important than your partner enjoying a bigger arse.

When my dh is skinny (his weight goes up and down) I don’t find him as attractive at all! So it could just be that. Horses for courses I suppose

People keep saying he was attracted to her at a size 8 so he doesn't prefer curvier women but they have been together 20 years! An early 20s body is very dfferent from an early 40s body in terms of firmness etc. Op says that she lost the weight through stress initially so there's a chance that the change might have left her looking a bit haggard as she will have lost volume everywhere (sorry that's really harsh). Having a fuller figure makes aging people less wrinkly/saggy so maybe he is just adjusting to the change. People are attracted to what they are attracted to!

I disagree. Often when people lose weight they can lose their boobs and butt.

It depends on your shape. I will always have boobs no matter how skinny I am. But I do lose weight off my bum and thighs very quickly and don't put it on there really.

@Calliopespa I also worked in a designer shop on Bond Street and that's exactly how customers used to act towards one of our top sales assistants. She was frequently hospitalised for her anorexia & was even to my model world eyes painfully thin but rich women admired her. It's fucked up.

Could he be worried about hurting you? In 2013-15 I lost a ton of weight due to having drug resistant TB. Ex I'd been with on and off for years hadn't seen in 14 months as I was stuck at a relative's at the other end of the country. He was shocked when I went back down south. I was up for rekindling a physical relationship but he didn't want to hurt me , was worried that my ribs were sticking out and I would fall asleep all the time. He'd bust an ex's wrist when they fell out of bed once, and had concerns because I was the thinnest he'd ever seen me - I'd been a chubby teen raised in a Afro-Caribbean household with good food by foster parents then.
My butt had shrunk and I'd bruise it just by sitting down awkwardly too long or falling asleep on the bog. Thinking back it possibly freaked him out a bit.

So we went nowhere. I was stuck in my former home area getting hospital treatment, on piddling little in benefits. Luckily old friend from my old housing block helped out loads with 99p shop snacks, him cooking tons of pasta at his place and dropping it off in tupperware, getting carried bags full of reduced to clear bargains, 100% Iceland burgers etc. Took until late Summer 2016 - 15 months -to get two stone back - considering I'm 5 foot four that's a lot on my frame. I got a job on a horse farm - unthinkable without butt fat padding me out so I could ride again.
I made a move on him at a party in 2017 and we've been dating on & off since. He's partly disabled but tough and large ... do worry about HIM now sometimes , despite him being twice my size! Chunky guys in bedroom can be great if they know what to do.

Anyways that's what my first thought was. Talk to your DH as he's not communicating very well. Men sometimes need the truth dragged out them.

Sorry for rambling - on pain meds for sunburn.

Yeah this is my thoughts too. He possibly felt more secure in the status quo before...not necessarily consciously, but maybe subconsciously being 'the better catch' physically. Maybe he felt you were 'the catch' in other areas. Possibly he feels he's the alpha in none now? It also could be coincidence...maybe he's having a mental health dip...some men do when they start to feel past their prime. I'd get it discussed 👌

This is such an extreme example! I'm a size 8, but don't break when someone has sex with me! I'm strong, fit and flexible.

It depends on frame, I was anorexic at a size 10, bones jutting out, periods stopped etc. Not unusual if tall or wide framed

I wish that was the case for me, I lose boobs and butt below a size 12

Definitely
Women treat me so much better when I’m
slim.

Yes and men think women want the massive muscles and six pack when most don’t.

I think we can probably trust the OP to know herself if she's anorexic or has bones jutting out!
This thread has turned ridiculous.

Men in there 40s can loose sex drive low testosterone or manopause .....this may just be bad timing with your body change don't look to far into it....please don't listen to the "he must be having a affair" brigade...
This can be turned around .....

I'm a size 8, but don't break when someone has sex with me! I'm strong, fit and flexible.

Size isn't relevant without height and frame.

Do you bruise easily?
I'm a redhead & dark bruises look really bad on me and take weeks to fade sometimes.
My first BF grabbed my forearms so hard at end of our relationship, that I had visible fingermarks for ages.
Wearing long sleeves in hot summer of 2006 was no fun.
Bodies have a lot of variabilities 🤷🏼‍♀️

This thread is insane! Maybe the poor man just has a lot going on at work…. as he says. Good luck processing all this new fuel for body paranoia, OP!

The op is absolutely fine. At a 14 she was quite possibly within a healthy weight and is highly unlikely to have been obese. At a size 10 she is hardly absurdly tiny unless very tall. Her body has most likely been nothing extreme at any point.

I think the thread has drifted, however, because without op mentioning in her op that she had been unhealthy, people responded to her having been stressed and thereby losing weight with automatic congratulations ( what? For being stressed?) and the wild assumptions that if her DH isn’t into now leaping on her he must be having an affair or somehow darkly jealous/ disappointed/ disapproving of her new “health.”

The message in that is a pretty sorry one about how we reinforce body image between ourselves as women. Paranoid and blinkered automatic assumptions of “the smaller the better.” It was in response to that that people shared comments about their health in fact being worse at lower weights. It wasn’t a suggestion that op is any of those things. I’m sure she has looked great all along and her DH is distracted by something else or just a bit unfamiliar with his “new” wife.