Husband fancies me less since I got fit?

[LolalaBouche]

Me & DH are both early 40s. One DS (10). Together 20 yrs. DH is gorgeous- tall, dark & handsome, a runner with a great physique. Also aging has improved him- he really suits salt & pepper hair etc. Pppl often comment on his good looks. (He’s also a lovely person). By contrast, I am decidedly physically average and have not improved with age!
Im an ED nurse and in the past 12 months I lost some weight due to work stress. I noticed I was feeling a bit better about myself so started working out, I’ve changed how we eat (always cooked from scratch but started prioritising protein etc), and I’ve started running a bit. So I’m physically now in better shape than I have been since my early 20’s- I’m 5’7 and around 10st 5 so not skinny by any means but slim. I’ve gone from a size 14/16 to a 10. I’ve been told I look well.
DH and I have always had a great sex life but since I’ve lost the weight, he just isn’t as interested. The only sex we’re having is when I initiate it, and it very much feels like he’s having sex with me out of a sense of obligation. He used to be quite handsy when we were alone but that has stopped. He has said that my body feels weird when he hugs me because I’d been curvy for a long time.
I really miss our former intimacy. I would still fancy him if he gained some weight and I feel like I’m somehow being punished for starting to take better care of myself. I’ve always been aware that I was punching but this is just making me feel crap.
Anyone else experienced anything like this?

I think it’s the ratio of waist to boobs and bum that is attractive in a base level - something to do with fertility indicator appeals to prehistoric man 😅

I’m a curvy girl some men are just really into curves.

In lockdown my DH suddenly decided to grow a beard.

It took me time to adjust as he just felt “different.”

I was not having an affair.

Nor did I think his beard 🧔‍♂️ suddenly tipped the balance in his favour in terms of our respective hotnesses.

I was not envious of his beard or coveting it for myself. 🧔‍♀️

I simply took time adjusting to a sudden physical change.

Then he shaved it off.

Sometimes things are just what they are: no dark undercurrent, no ulterior motives, no dark secrets, no warped agendas.

Sorry ! Posted twice by mistake 🤪
try not to worry @LolalaBouche I’m sure he’s just adjusting.
something that can sometimes change when people get slimmer is a bit more worry about food and drink consumption all the time - and it becomes less joyous … Maybe there’s an element of that coming in to your relationship?

She said she loses weight from all over her body. So the ratio would be the same. Losing weight but also losing curves.

I’m sorry this is probably super unhelpful (maybe someone else will enjoy its body positivity though): https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=X53ZSxkQ3Ho

No it’s not all women actively trying.

But I think a lot of women feel pressured - and I’m sure the statistic looks different on that measure.

My friend’s DD is struggling with disordered eating. It was nothing to do with boys or their reactions to her, but a lot to do with her concept of female attractiveness.

I’m just trying to say let’s not impute motives where we don’t know.

The stereotype you’re talking about is big boobs and bum on an otherwise slim woman. Not the big boobs that tend to also accompany a bloated tummy (I’m speaking from experience here!) and widening hips and cellulite that go with a big bum (sadly no experience here, my weight all goes to my tummy and my bum remains eternally as flat as a pancake….).

Think more like Barbie…

Not many women gain weight just on their hips and bum, these men either like a stereotype or they like someone larger all round.

Generally, slim will not be accompanied by big boobs and big bum. And ‘curvy’ will not be curvy in solely the 2 areas that some men desire.

That's not a good analogy as the beard wasn't improving your DHs health.

Let's imagine you and your partner both smoke. He quits. You don't. You can't get used to it. You tell him he smells different. You stop having sex with him.

This is a bit of a tangent as it relates to my children but when they were very little, I was (miserable, lonely and) committed to being lean and strong and was really quite tiny. I herniated a disc and had to stop the yoga and ridiculous levels of exercise and settled down. When I said to the children a few years later that I wanted to get fit again, they both said, “oh, no”, and my eldest said that I was all hard before and he liked me soft and cuddly like a proper mummy. I’ve never really returned to that tiny, hard yoga body and they saw a picture of me looking like that the other day and both went, “oh, no, you’re so thin and small there! You’re much nicer now!” I am carrying quite a few extra pounds but my kids at least seem to prefer it! It’s not a judgment or a particularly conscious choice, just their natural preference .. so maybe your husband feels the same?

The person I was replying to suggested men were shallow because they seemed to be more attracted to her when she was a bit slimmer. I would say it's more shallow for a man just to notice boobs and butts, so if she gets more attention despite losing the boobs and bum I dont see that as shallow. So what if those men like a slimmer woman? Why does that make them shallow.

Absolutely zero reason to assume this, maybe he found the curvier woman he was with for years more attractive?

The OP said herself she has undergone a physical change (Well done btw) and maybe he just hasn't acclimated to it?
I know many women here say they don't like men with muscles etc

@SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend

It’s not up to your children what you look like though! What do YOU want your body to be like? If you want to get back to yoga and exercise etc do it!

I think he is jealous and intimidated, Op! @LolalaBouche
Whatever you do do not stop looking after yourself!

Yes I’ve heard men complain their wives don’t like eating and drinking without limits anymore yet sexually prefer the slimmer version. Can’t have both guys

I’ve always had implants these were just a replacement of my old ones
hes never known me without implants

My husband is similar, I think.

Over many years I've gained and lost weight a few times. I've noticed that once my BMI gets much below 25 (i.e. into the "healthy" category), he complains mildly about there not being enough of me, although it doesn't seem to put him off. Between 25 and 30 BMI (i.e. "overweight" category) he seems very happy. At 30-32 BMI (my heaviest; "obese" category) he starts to make noises about how maybe we should both start eating more healthily.

I was about 25 BMI when we got together.

I think he just has a preference for when I'm on the heavier side. Having said that, I'm losing weight now and fully intend to get below 25 BMI, for the sake of my health. I'm sure he'll adjust, and my health is more important, especially as I get older. It's not as if I'm going to be skinny.

Reminds me of when men don’t like to see a woman doing good so they get weird and back off.

I think some people can take a while to get used to physical changes.

It's clearly not the same scenario, but my mum lost lots of weight quite quickly when I was in my teens. I hated hugging her at first (obviously I didn't tell her!). She just felt different and it threw me until I got used to it. It felt like hugging a different person 🤷‍♀️

It's not the most uncommon thing. My husband definitely prefers me heavier.
At the end of the day though, your health is more important than his hard-on.
Intimacy can come back around.
Congratulations, by the way. 2-3 dress sizes is impressive.

Curvy is generally used to mean approaching or slightly overweight. You wouldn't usually describe someone who's a size 8 with big boobs as curvy.

Oh, absolutely. But they are allowed to have a preference. I’m recovering from major surgery at the moment but am planning to work on my fitness over the next five years. They will love me either way (what a privilege to be able to say that), but I do respect and appreciate their feelings and won’t drive myself into the ground working towards a goal that ultimately didn’t really make me happy and they didn’t love either.

Relationships work both ways, it is important for me to do what is best for me - but I don’t exist in a vacuum and it is also important to acknowledge and appreciate that the things we do impact those around us.

He's not cheating. He's probably just getting used to a different look, I had a boyfriend who reacted like this when I got a dramatically different hairstyle. Also, he probably loved your curves, most men prefer a curvier woman. If you had a curvier women vs. a thinner one, all women would think the thinner one was more attractive, but guaranteed most men would prefer the curves. Men keep telling us this and for some reason women just don't listen 🤷🏼‍♀️

Let me tell you one thing, over my entire life I’ve only seen about 5 couples where the woman is punching. I highly doubt you’re actually punching. Do with that what you will. I have nothing else to say that might be helpful… but I doubt you’re actually punching.

You wouldn't usually describe someone who's a size 8 with big boobs as curvy.

I would, what would you describe them as? Curvy to me is a shape. In the same way a larger person can still be pear shaped or rectangular.